Surrounded

My away message today read "why the hell is everybody dying."

T was killed in a car accident on Monday.

This is stupid. Everyone I know has been to a funeral in the past couple of months. I guess by everyone I mean several. But it feels like everyone. I'm tired of the death in my life.

I'm even more tired of the dying going on inside me. Slowly, little pieces of me are crumbling away into nothing. Jujitsu used to be such a big part of my life. Its falling apart and it hurts me that I can't bring myself to go much anymore. I used to be creative and write poetry and draw pictures and dance. What would it take to get me to dance again? I'm not sure. I wish I knew what it was that was eating me up.

Maybe I do know and just don't want to tell myself that. Well, I wish others knew and would tell me.

Do you hear that? I want you to grab me by the shoulders and look me in the eyes and shout in my face the words that will either kill me or bring me back to life. Wait I forgot. Someone already said those words and they killed me.

Not because of what was said but because I knew it was a lie. And because I'm a silly sappy hopeless dreamer, I chose to try to convince myself that lie was true.

Wow. I didn't intend for this blog post to travel down this road. Its amazing what happens when you let out one tiny part of your emotions. Its like a dam bursting.

Sam, when are you coming back to jujitsu? If you come back I will go one day, just 'cause I need to grapple with you.

Sweat, tears, and the ocean will heal all wounds. If I get injured grappling with Sam in Beach Haven, I could have all three.