thinking...

I'm not sure if this is going to be cryptic or not. I'm not trying to revert to that little experiment of not sharing with people. But some things just can't be said. Ever. I have to have my secrets. Have to. Its not anything against any of you. But yes I do have a secret that I will take to my grave. Its bugging me right now, so the only thing I can do is vent my feelings without sharing the circumstance.

I've been doing a lot of thinking... and have realized that although honey-glazed almonds are good and healing and special, white chocolate hazelnuts do more for me, and I don't appreciate them enough.

Yeah you know what. I can't compare my friends to a bunch of nuts. So this post is a moot point.

I can't vent here like I used to be able to do. Things have gotten so complicated in the past half year or so.

cool thing on a friend's myspace.

Write nine statements, aimed at different people.
Never tell which one is to who.

1. Get some self-esteem pills already. You're better than you think.

2. I wonder if you'll ever know.

3. I wonder if I'll ever tell you.

4. Totally no offense, but you people are a bunch of idiots. You should have seen it coming.

5. Its been cool getting to know you as a good christian sibling in Christ that I can look up to.

6. I wonder what it would be like if I were a person more compatible with you.

7. Can you let go of me?

8. I wish we could be better friends.

9. You say you can't change, but I think you can.

*Bonus* 10. You are so incredible and I love having you around.

God's grace.

Soo... Anissa, Steve and I were hanging out in her room tonight, battling the heat, and catching up on stuff after work. I'll give you the details on that later... but we heard some commotion next door, not uncommon, cause there are a lot of people over there, and a lot of times there are friends there too. Its the social hangout.

Next thing we know there are at least ten police officers outside, standing a bit of a distance away from their house. Which of course, put them on our doorstep. Anissa had to go meet her cousin, but he couldn't park because of the cops blocking traffic so we walked around the corner. On the way back, Anissa stopped to talk to one of the neighbors.

It turns out they were robbed at gunpoint by six guys. When Anissa heard the descriptions of them, she went over to the police, because they were the guys she'd been watching as they walked up and down the street.

Bottom line is... my life and the lives of two people very dear to my heart were in danger tonight and I didn't know it until afterwards. They should have come here. Anissa's on crutches, Steve was prone on the floor studying, I was on the couch counting out $250 in cash. We had all the doors and windows open because it was so hot, and next to me was my purse containing my passport, birth certificate, and social security card (which happen to be here in New Brunswick so I could fill out paperwork pertaining to my first day at work). Yet instead of picking a house where three girls live (plus one boyfriend who's around a lot), they instead chose a house where there are 5 guys living just in the downstairs apartment. We were an easier target, but we were spared.

As my brother said, "They know where the jujitsu lives." But, I think its something more than that. I wonder what they saw as they looked at our house. Sometimes I feel like the blessings I've been praying onto this house really pay off. Sometimes the house just feels safer than usual. I wonder if when they looked at the house, the spiritual atmosphere intimidated them.

I wonder all that because, as much as I'd like to attribute it to that, I'm not sure I can. Yes, I still pray. But I haven't been quite as "spiritual" as I used to be or would like to be. I don't know. All I know is, something protected us tonight, for which I am deeply thankful.

Stage managers do it in the dark.

I trained at the coffee bar today at Nordstrom's. I went in the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in my uniform... Black pants, black shirt, black shoes. Its basically what I would wear backstage, minus the headset. So I started thinking that this whole job is just theater, which is exactly how you sell a product anyway. And training today is like rehearsal... and I decided that no matter where I go I can't seem to get away from theater, even when I'm trying to take a break. The only difference is, you can stage manage in the dark. You can't froth a cappucino in the dark. Well you could. "But somebody's a gonna get hurt real bad. I'm not gonna say who. But somebody."

And thats about all I can talk about here. Yay me I'm getting paid!

heaven

So... we're all supposed to get mansions in heaven right? I let my mind wander tonight, and I came up with this.

What if the Garden of Eden was one of those mansions, but placed on earth? Would that mean that every mansion in heaven is like a little ecoworld... essentially self-sustaining, with the humans naming and caring for the plants and animals? And if that's the case, would it be one male and one female human per mansion? And if that's the case, perhaps all of us here have someone, somewhere, who is destined to live in that mansion in heaven when we all get there. (I'm sticking to traditional lines of thought and assuming that there's no such thing as homosexuality in this little scenario, because this isn't a political, social, or moral idea. I'm not trying to cause a riot here. I'm also assuming everyone mentioned here is assured a place in heaven, which is another debate entirely.)

I wonder what percentage of people here meet that person they are supposed to be with in that mansion. Like, let's say there's a couple who have been married for 50 years and it wasn't exactly a perfect relationship, but they were both successful and happy with it. The woman dies of cancer, and the man is lonely. He dies a few months later because he feels he has nothing left to live for. And then for whatever reason, I don't know... lets say heaven's version of red tape... the woman is in her apartment waiting for her mansion. They meet each other expecting to join and go to their mansion together, and suddenly they realize, "Wow. We weren't made for each other. We're a close fit, but we don't match. But, then, who will I live with in my mansion??" And then suddenly they turn and there's whoever they were made for, and they realize that while they accomplished a lot on earth together, they somehow managed to miss the person they were created for... and things may not have gone exactly according to heaven's plan because earth is imperfect, but that's ok because they have an eternity to spend with that new person, in which they can accomplish much more.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I just wonder sometimes... what heaven is like, and if I am really doing things on earth the way I'm supposed to.

Life lessons...

Some things I've learned in the past few months or year or more.

Not my original words, but not verbatim either so I don't have to quote the person: "If you wrong me and I turn around and walk away and you walk two miles just to make things right then things are fine between us. But sometimes when I'm mad, I walk fast. Better catch up."

"Sometimes paradise is not the landscape or the weather or the fun activities, but can be found in the eyes of who you are with."

"Don't just fall for the first person to take an interest in you. Make sure they are who you are looking for, and not who your ego is looking for."

I was going to type one more thing, but I can't seem to put it into words. Maybe I'm still learning it. It had something to do with pain. Maybe its not over yet.

MY FRIEND'S AWAY MESSAGE

Found this in Jayne's away message. I agree totally haha.

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings.

bluuuubbbbb

Could you all just take some self-esteem pills? Thanks that would help everything be all better.

(pssssttt! You're more amazing than you seem to think! I love you all!)

Four more days...

Four more days until the vow of silence ends. I'll write my thoughts on that later, but it has been very revealing to me.

For now, here's a quick update on the job front:

Nordstrom's coffee bar pros:
$8.25 an hour
mostly a full time job
really nice atmosphere
friendly employees

Nordstrom's coffee bar cons:
have not yet been offered the job

Rainforest Cafe pros:
$7.50 an hour
very cool/fun atmosphere
scheduled thunderstorm every half hour!
have been offered the job, if I want it
the difference between wearing black and white at a coffee bar vs. wearing a safari outfit with a megaphone on my belt

Rainforest Cafe cons:
$7.50 < $8.25
part time, working up to full if they need me (who knows how long that'll take)

So... I have to let Rainforest Cafe know by the end of Friday because orientation is Sunday. What do I do?? Can I have both? No. Arghhh...

On a different subject, a crazy girl in the mall attacked me so she could polish my fingernails and then offer me a $60 kit for $20 (because she liked how I looked). Any place that can afford to lose two thirds of the asking price has marked their product up to a ridiculous level that I refuse to support.

My left thumbnail is now shiny. She said the process helps the nail grow faster. I wonder if that means my hands will be unbalanced. Personally I don't like that shiny look. Its not natural.

more lyrics

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

~Darryl Worley

summer job

So, I have applied to 26 different places so far. My hand is killing me from writing out job applications. And sad to say, I STILL do not have all the references' phone numbers memorized.

But I was thinking about it. In the four years at Rutgers that I spent picking coins up off the sidewalks, I made $29.09. That calculates to $.0008 an hour. I could deal with that, I think. Maybe I'll just be lazy and stick with the job I have. Too bad its not mirror image though.

:-P

conversation at panera today

-So, lemme get this straight. Because of a perceived misunderstanding between you and me, our respective guys felt they had to protect their women by hating each other, even though there's nothing wrong between us?
-Pretty much.
-That's so... medieval.

Kinda makes me think about something Prof Ryan taught at the jujitsu convention. When someone makes an attack, you parry like the senseis have always taught. But adding creative little things like scraping the eyes, or even faking some other threat will send the attacker's brain into the primeval limbic system, the fight-or-flight system.

But when he taught that I thought about some of the people I knew and wondered how many of them are simply perpetually in the limbic system? How many of them just always base everything off of ancient instinct rather than rational thought?

Sometimes I feel like I know a lot of those types of people.

Waiting for Godot...

Estragon: Well, shall we go?
Vladimir: Yes, let's go.
They do not move.

I seem to be stuck in this evil non-sensical play.

hmm

You sleep more than usual or you sleep less than usual.
When you sleep, its not sound sleep.
You wake up too early or you sleep in later than you should.
You have seen in yourself a decreased appetite, or an increased appetite.
You have lost or gained weight in the last two weeks.
You have trouble making decisions or think slower than you should.
You have lost interest in your daily activities or groups you are involved with.
You tire easily of things you used to do regularly (energy-wise).
You have unexplained aches and pains.
You feel restless.
You question your existance. "Why am I here? Is life worth it?"
You notice your faults.
You feel sad.

I came across a questionaire to take. It didn't give me any results. Instead it said to print the page. It was one of those kinds of questionaires. Too bad I don't have a printer.

rainy day= rainy everything else

Sigh. She was really trying. She was strong. She loved much because she had been forgiven much. And yet she's gone and doesn't care. I feel sorry for her, but cannot judge her because I know how she feels. She's gone and doesn't care.

I can't remember what it feels like to care.

Is this even right then, maybe I am lying to myself by thinking I might be capable of caring now.

catching up

Thursday: We went chipping. Only instead of discarded food… it was furniture. Wheee. Huge thunderstorm too. Amazing.

Friday: READING, PA for a jujitsu convention. Fun. I reactivated that old stupid foot thing. It was red and swollen.

Saturday: Not having iced the foot like I should have, I did more jujitsu. That night, I realized the muscles all up my leg were beginning to be affected so I iced it, accidentally for an hour. I dreamed Cara was saying it was broken.

Sunday: More jujitsu, this time not doing a whole lot on my foot. And then, I got a Professor to do Seifukujitsu, which is a style of massage. It was incredible, and I thought I was gonna die. At the end, my foot was no longer red or swollen. Good stuff.

And now… some confessions.

1. I was irritated.
2. I am torn between two sides of me.
3. I broke my vow of silence for a moment, only because I had to.

And now... another observation like the mirror one.

When I look at you I see a sanctuary. A safe haven. I see where I run in the storm; I see where others run in the storm. I see a safe environment so much like my own that I begin to forget which is which.

When I look at you I see a doctor. Such steady hands, but mine shake. Such desire to see others healed. Such gratitude to see them fixed. Such eager desire to accomplish what they themselves cannot.

When I look at you I see a healer. Such a soothing balm to put on a wound. Such a calm and quiet spirit. A person who brings a light into the lives of others and gives them hope that one day they will be whole again. A person who inspires those in contact to strive to be like you. Is that what I strive for?

And now: My internet is finally working in my new apartment so no more need to do several days at once! Yay to Andrew for whipping my computer into submission!

Flight 93

I've heard a lot of debate about the movie... I just came across the trailer for it on google videos.

Think its going to be a while before I can watch that movie.