4:30 AM

After a long dry spell, a long hard cry, a long argument with a human voice of reason, I am now equipped to argue with God.

God, I'm trying really hard to do whatever it is that you have planned for my life but I can't seem to find a direction that I think you want me to go. I feel like you are letting me down by not telling me what I should do.

I have summed it up a bit, the real conversation sounded more like a temper tantrum.

And God says, "You aren't listening."

And when I listen, I hear the voices of reason, I see myself deliberately avoiding some of the people who make the most sense, and I don't hear God. I only hear the voices of reason. But who is to say that those voices are not the voice of God? Can it be that they are there because he wants me to listen to voices of reason instead of him? Can it be that he doesn't want to make the decision for me? Can it be that he wants me to put on my big girl panties?

How many of you thought I was incredibly sacrilegious for thinking that God would ever say "put on your big girl panties"? How many of you shot milk out your nose?

After struggling with the issue for a long time, I am finally able to bring my mood out of the depths a little and go to bed with some light humor on my mind.

First watch this video: Carrie Underwood

Then watch the new version: go here and under "featured videos" click the second one down (look for the word Cletus).

For the record, God and I have reached an understanding. Or rather, I have reached an understanding. God always had it I think. But that doesn't mean my life is great because of it. It just means I get it.

my celebrity lookalike

Its strange because I'm not Asian, Indian, Greek or Italian and yet those are the ethnicities that popped up. I don't even know who these people are, except Sigourney Weaver. And I have her nose.



Lets try it again. More Asians, do I really look Asian, people? And what is that guy doing in there?? (Kate Beckinsale was in the list too, but her picture looked awful so I thought I would spare you all the grief.)

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

Christmas Shopping

I was helping Steve pick out some gifts today, and as we were walking past a kiosk full of hair products, I heard the dreaded question:

"Excuse me, miss, can I ask you a question?"
"No." With a brief thought about whether or not to be incredibly rude, I began to continue walking.
"But you have such great curly hair."

Ok now I have no qualms about walking onward. She OBVIOUSLY was not talking to me, or else she was retarded and won't remember that I was rude to her.

The Eunuch in the Royal Court

Another little snippet:

Jack is losing his manhood tomorrow as punishment for humping his sisters. Just because his parents are siblings doesn't mean incest is unpunishable. They both got their punishments too.

I can't sleep

I've been trying to sleep for quite some time now, and I'm still very alert. So, I have decided to write now what I had been planning to put off until tomorrow or the next day or never.

Its kind of a question about where my spiritual life is right now. Sometimes I feel that I may have taken God out of the "God" spot in my life, and put some other little god in His place. Other times I am angry with God for not being as fulfilling as other aspects of my life. Isn't God supposed to be satisfying? Sometimes its as simple as feeling that I'm no longer clean, that I stopped following God and started playing in the pigpen. And other times its as complicated as saying that I've been taken hostage in the enemy camp, that its not my fault I'm not with God and am trying hard to get back home.

All of these feelings revolve around a particular series of events in my life, and things have been slowly deteriorating over the years. A few years ago, I never would have dreamed that a parable about the Christian journey would shake me so much and make me question my eternity.

Twila Paris:

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

^ Who I was a few years ago ^

(Chorus)
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

^ Who I am now ^

snippets

1. I discovered today that we have enough food in the basement pantry and freezer to survive a very long zombie attack.

2. I discovered I should not have a phone. I don't pick mine up, and I don't answer voicemails. I am a very bad phone owner.

Side Note

House, M.D. is a great TV show. America needs lighthearted stuff like Scrubs, but actors need shows like House. Watching House almost makes me wish to be on stage again.

BS or MS?

Well, I hope none of you out there have been going through withdrawal from not hearing from me. I haven't really been incredibly busy, just kind of bored with life, so I haven't written about the exciting things, or the annoying things, or anything like that.

But I did want to chronicle a few things, just cause they happened and should be put down in the record of my life.

On December 8, Steve and I went to the mall for a few Christmas gifts. We ran out of the mall when we suddenly realized our next "activity" started at 5, not 6. Our next activity actually happened to start at 5:30 so we ended up being right on time. It was a ballroom dance workshop hosted by the RU Ballroom Dance Club, and DJ'ed by Steve's ballroom dance teacher. For the entire past semester Steve has been taking ballroom and then teaching me everything he knows (except how to be a good lead dancer), so the workshop was good for both of us. When it was over, we rushed over to Steve's place where I changed out of my junky clothes into some nice ones (with dancing shoes!) and wrapped up a gift. Then we rushed over to Stuff Yer Face, where Taylor was having her birthday party, and we ate something, and Steve bought me a Lambic which was nice of him. It was good too, haha nice and sweet. Then we rushed back to the gym, or actually the Chocolate Ballroom as it was called in the flyer. Basically it was a place to ballroom dance, and eat free chocolate laced with things you are allergic to like peanut butter. Not me, Steve. We did that until almost midnight and then went back to Steve's place, where Taylor and Navin were just arriving with an ice cream cake from Thomas Sweets'. While flipping through the channels, Navin stopped on the History Channel so we could get a detailed documentary on the History of Sex. Did you know that table skirts were invented in Victorian England because people thought that men were so horny that the sight of any "leg," even just a table leg, would cause them to fall short of the glory of God?

Anyway, that was one of the more enjoyable times I've had in a while.

Compare to the following Monday, where I was given 24-hour warning that I had scheduled a dental appointment a few months ago. Thanks to the jujitsu kids' class end-of-session party on Thursday, visiting Taylor and Anissa on Friday and eating dessert from Delicious Orchards, a Chocolate Ballroom and an ice cream cake on Saturday, and all sorts of leftovers from all of that on Sunday, I was pretty ready to have my teeth worked on. I had been nursing cavities since I graduated in '06 and thought my insurance ran out. When I discovered it didn't, I ran to the dentist, but he didn't have an opening for several months, which is why I had forgotten until last minute that I had the appointment. This is only the second time I met this guy, so I was a little unsure that I wanted him drilling holes in me, but it was something that had been put off way too long. He has this contraption that administers the anesthetic so that he doesn't have to measure it or something. He inserts the needle into my left upper gumline, and then the machine starts sending out the numby stuff. A computerized voice talks to him to tell him when to stop. I don't speak Dentist though so I don't know how much of it I got. It was in there for a long time. Then he went over to the top right gumline and the whole process started over. Then he says "I'm not drilling very deep on the bottom jaw so I'm not going to numb that one." Basically "Suck it up." All in all the entire process took 2 hours, and I'm not sure how many contraptions were in my mouth all at once. The worst thing was the sander, which basically vibrated my entire skull, sinuses included, and made my nose run, but my head was back, so it basically ran down the back of my throat. At one point he told me to stop and swish my mouth out with water, and I started to but then it all squirted out because I couldn't move my lips. I had to pinch them together with my fingers. It felt like a stroke on both sides of my face. When I got home I thought I would lie down on my bed for a little while, just to enjoy the feel of not having any drills, picks, mouth vacuums, fingers, or mirrors in my mouth. I woke up at 9 pm, having missed Monday night jujitsu. Apparently, local anesthetic, when applied in the proper quantities, actually does knock a person out. It just takes too long and surgeons get impatient, so they invented the heavy duty anesthesia for them.

I spent the rest of my week making Christmas gifts, and now, I suppose, you all are caught up.

I need to find a school and narrow down my choices as far as my entire future is concerned. And I think I need to stop being afraid to screw up. I guess in some ways, I feel like I screwed up when it comes to the major I chose, even though it was the best thing for me at the time. I'm dragging my feet with this finding another degree to pursue, because I don't want to give up on it in a few years.

dry

I had a dream last night where everything was going wrong. My head was pounding (not painful, just pressure) and the sound of the blood in my head made a whoosh sound, which my brain worked into the plot of the dream in several different manifestations. When I woke up I realized my head was pounding and it wasn't strange noises on the phone or the sound of lawn furniture spinning around on a turntable, but actually blood whooshing in my head. I also am really dehydrated (since my feet and hands are dry and crackly feeling, and my lips are chapped). The funny thing is, I drank at least 6 glasses of water yesterday and it went through me. I am wondering what kind of medical problem could cause the body to reject water. I don't feel sick though. Just dry.

On the psychoanalytic end of things, the dream suggests that I am having issues with vulnerability, taking care of the future, living a productive life, caring for the things I love, fear of those things turning on me, and keeping my life clean and in order. Great.

Breaking News!

Puca learned how to meow!

Its about as exciting as a baby taking his first steps, or saying a word for the first time. She's so proud of herself that now she meows any time you look at her.

How to sing the Blues

I got this from KarenKool's blog, and she did not write it. So we have no idea where it came from but its really awesome. I think there should be one about country music too.

EDIT: I did a little research, and this writing appears to have been written by Judith Podell in 1997 for Wordrights Magazine. Thanks Judith for an awesome essay!



1. Most Blues begin “woke up this mornin'.”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in right away: "I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town."

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
And she weighs 500 pounds.

4. The Blues are not about limitless choice.
You stuck in a ditch,
You stuck in a ditch;
Ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Other acceptable Blues transportation modes include Greyhound buses and southbound trains. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and state sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.

6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. In the Blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get the electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.

7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression. The best places to have the Blues are still Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg when your broken down pickup truck rolled over on it is.

9. The following colors do not belong in the Blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless you’re truly desperate for a rhyme).

10. You can’t have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

11. Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places to have the Blues: ashrams, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf courses.

12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man—and it’s an old black suit.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Answer “Yes” if:
a. your first name is a southern state—like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can’t be satisfied.

Answer “No” if:
a. you once were blind but now can see.
b. you’re deaf
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a trust fund or an IRA.

14. Blues is not about color, it's about bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues; Gary Coleman could. Ugly old white people got a leg up on the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will never sing the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, black coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher wine, sparkling water or Snapple (all flavors).

16. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.

17. Excellent names...
For female Blues singers: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, or Fat River Dumpling.
For male Blues singers: Willie, Joe, Little Willie, Lightning, or Big Willie.
Singers with names like Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Sequoia, Brittany or Rainbow are not permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

18. Here's a Build Your Own Blues Singer Name Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic)
b. First name (from above lists) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of a U. S. president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. Okay, maybe not "Kiwi".

visiting

Today I got to spend time with Steve's family. We went to a really great sushi bar and I managed to work up the courage to try a piece with seared scallop in it. I tried seared tuna once before but it was very seared, closer to medium-well than medium-rare. This scallop was the real deal, and is the closest I have been to ingesting raw fish. One of these days, I will work up the courage to be a real bird of prey and eat it raw. Carnivores be proud, I did try beef tartar once. It was beefy. And raw. That's a story for another blog; in fact, it was blogged here. (In case you were wondering, the lobster and scallop in the sushi roll blended nicely and were very creamy. They didn't taste "fishy" at all and the texture of the scallop was not as "raw" as I expected.

We also watched Love Actually, which is the best Christmas movie I think will ever be made. Most of the Christmas movies focus on Christmas, this one focuses on relationships. Its not a children's Christmas movie. At the same time though, sometimes you have to hate a movie simply because there's a single line in it that drives you crazy because it hits you deep in the center of your gut. I kinda feel that way about Love Actually.

Steve's brother also opened up a bottle of ice wine for us to try. I had never had it before, but it was definitely good. Unfortunately, it seems I have expensive tastes in alcohol, with Lambic beer, champagne, some white wines and now ice wine. I suppose that's really a good thing, safer for me that way.

All in all it was a good day and I am really blessed that Steve's family allowed me to join them in their family traditions today.

Potluck and Louis

So, today was the post-Thanksgiving Potluck at Cara's house. We started the meal off with a general "So, I guess we should be thankful and sh#$," followed by a toast to Marco, who is not deceased but simply not at any organized functions. After that came a great number of quotable moments, all of which I have forgotten due to my inability to write them down at the moment. I believe Joyce had a good one, but alas, they are all lost to me.

After dinner we broke out the good ol' game of Cranium. Team Bench, Team Couch, Team Asia and Team Alcohol began competing for the title of Brain Masters. While Team Asia led the way most of the time, Team Alcohol managed to catch up and win with the help of the lucky penny. Notable moments included the realization that the die will always land on yellow unless you actually want it to land on yellow, and the great performance award of the night went to Andrew. He was supposed to read the person's name on the card, then act out clues by singing or speaking the way the person would. The timer started, and he just sat there, prompting the guess "Helen Keller." When he finally moved into action, we were surprised by the best Louis Armstrong imitation ever. Unfortunately, Jess guessed Grover, and Steve guessed the correct name after the timer was up, and no one could believe that Louis Armstrong's name had been forgotten.

After the losers had to eat Steve's muffins (which were excellent and only looked a little dark), most of us left. Steve and I continued on to another party involving his high school friends, and a TON more food. We had just missed a few rounds of Hoopla, which is a Cranium spin-off. After dinner, they were tired of Hoopla, so guess which game ended up open on the living room floor? Thats right, I found myself in yet another game of Cranium involving a Team Couch. Even though it was a different set, the die still persistently landed on yellow, Humdingers was still the worst category next to Copycat, and Club Craniums were still just as chaotic.

The best moment from this game however was when Steve had to act out a person. He stood up and began mimicking huge steps, then remembered he could talk. "Thats one small step for man..." So we fumbled with shouting out astronaut names until we remembered "Neil Armstrong." At that, Steve paused, set back. It was the wrong person. Then a flash of inspiration: "I see skies of blue..." and of course that was all I needed to get the name and satisfy the ghost of Louis Armstrong that he will not be forgotten.

Through a series of events the lucky penny ended up in my pocket, but it was not as lucky for me as it was for Cara, and I was once again not on the winning team. I will have to give it back to her next time I see her.

And that was all that I can remember about this eventful day. Goodnight!

Jesus vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES !

Being Thankful...

How are your relatives doing? You had to ask, I knew you would. Ehh here's the scoop, most of them ditched NJ this year. P and D went to NY, M and E went to Florida, Uncle whatever his name is stayed in California like always... I don't remember what his name is. B and T stayed in GA, B and J stayed in Maryland with the kids and grandkids. P is just the second coming of G; she's just like her sister and as rude as ever, I wonder why T was/is interested in them. (No, this particular family is not inbred, it just has a lot of non-genetic relations.) J was actually sober when we walked in but that changed by dinner time. J2 was surprisingly allowing affection, which means she may be healing a bit better from her grief than last time I saw her. And K and A were dutiful and have life figured out, like always.

Ok that was exciting.

Now for the part where I list the things I'm thankful for. I know everyone does this but I am in a place right now where the list is short enough to be acceptable material for a blog.

1. I am thankful that my mom and dad and brother and I enjoy being in each other's company, and that we can spend hours laughing at the dinner table.

2. I am thankful that I have a few select friends who allow me to totally open up to them and who genuinely try to help me and love me.

3. I am thankful for Jack because he lets me see a simple life.

4. I am thankful for Steve. I am thankful for his strength and his pep-talks, and his logical brain that keeps me from over analyzing into the realm of impossible. I am thankful that he is observant and romantic and knows when to cheer me up and when to run for cover.

Thats all I have to say right now. I feel like a lot of things have been stripped from my life that if I had them, I'd be thankful for them but I don't have them and I am learning that it is possible to live without all that. So this is my list. Thats all I have to say. Be thankful people. Don't just enjoy this holiday for the undercooked turkey and the cavity sweet potatoes and the wine and cigars and days off of work. Think about what you can't live without.

PS. I am also thankful for Pocky. Google it if you don't know.

The second snowfall... and HENNA

Friday morning we woke up to this, the second snowfall of the year.


On Tuesday, I renewed my henna hair. Its not as vibrant this time around because NJ has no sunlight in November.

overheard

"cupid shot that arrow through a glass cross."

huh?

Bad movie titles.

Although this article sometimes bashes the movies as well as the titles, the emphasis is really that Hollywood takes advantage of its movie-going audience by tacking a really stupid name onto a decent or perhaps really good movie. Here are my favorites:

"Octopussy (1983)
OK, we all get the thing about Bond films and winking, leering, in-the-know double entendre. But the penultimate Bond film featuring Roger Moore was completely out of hand. It doesn't even qualify as double entendre. It barely qualifies as single entendre. It's just porno. And bad, stale, old-man porno at that. Porno with a bad toupee and a body double for the stunts. Double-oh-nothing.

Free Willy (1993)
Uh... what can one say about a movie called "Free Willy," particularly one aimed at kids that features a theme song by Michael Jackson. If "Octopussy" is intentionally graphic with a coy wink, this title is the photo negative: a blatant double entendre screaming to be born that goes completely unacknowledged by the film itself. It's hard to know which is worse, but because this film has a magical killer whale who learns to love a young boy ... oh, never mind."

Am I going to hell for this?

I am craving an alcoholic beverage for the simple reason that I am not pregnant.

I am thinking about random vacations or potentially long-term vacations simply because I am not married and have no career to speak of.

Despite the fact that I am not pregnant, I still feel justified in making strange food concoctions like White Chocolate Milk Chocolate Hazelnut Irish Cream Coffee and yes it has genuine caffeine in it. Why? Because there's no medical reason not to.

There might be something wrong with me. Its just too mean to enjoy things other people can't. Right?

blog quizzes

Earlier this week I was feeling kind of down. So when Steve went to the store to pick up some Italian bread, he came back with a bouquet of flowers. It really picked my mood up off the ground.








While I have the camera out, I may as well show you all some flowers from around my house. Even in November, our stuff is still flowering. This is quite unusual for my house.






My parents left for Cape Cod Friday morning. An hour after they left, I was up, out of bed, and cleaning the house. I hung things that have been waiting to be hung for years, I moved the mattress from my old apartment out of the dining room and into the basement, covered it up so the cats can't destroy it, moved the dining room table up against the wall so there's less room for mom to store things on it, and then made dinner and watched three movies straight so that I could get my knitting done (I have to keep my mind busy while I knit). It was productive.

That night we had our first snowfall. I woke up Saturday morning to see it already melting, but when it first came down it was a little less than an inch deep. It had been raining all day so it was good that it didn't stick or we would have had lots of ice underneath.



Saturday morning I got up and when it was decided that Steve, Taylor, and Navin would be coming to visit, I vacuumed, straightened things up, did the dishes, emptied the freezer, and threw out items from between 2000 and 2005. When they got here, we went to the store and got ingredients. Navin was the Chef, Steve the Sous Chef, Taylor the Saucier, and I was the Garde Manger. Thank you, Ratatouille.

After dinner we made a fire in the wood-burning stove, and had white mocha hot chocolate and watched a movie. It was awesome.



Sunday around 1:30 I started in on the porch. I threw out crap, I put things in the garage, I swept, vacuumed, beat the rugs, and filled the wood bin. I was ensuring that we would actually USE the stove this winter. I then cleaned up a little more from last night, and cleaned the basement floor as well, which had kitty litter all over it.

Its funny because Jack is always in such a rush to be the first to use the litter box after its been cleaned. The look of contentment that crossed his face while he was squatting there was just hilarious.

To wind down and relax a little, I took some online quizzes. I took the "what drug is your personality like?" quiz, the "what city do you belong in?" quiz, and the "what carnival ride are you?" quiz. I have discovered that I am Heroin, I belong in Rome, and I am a carousel.

You're capable of the highest highs and the lowest lows. Addicted to feeling good, you'll do almost anything to avoid pain. People seek you out, even though you can be quite moody. They're hooked on you! At your best: You are euphoric, stress free, and a little sleepy. What people like about being around you: They're not exactly sure, but they can't get enough about you. What people dislike about being around you: When you finally leave, they go some pretty serious withdrawl. How addicted people get to you: Very... you're quite dangerous.

You're a big city soul with a small town heart which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome. Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand, and gorgeous Italian people - could life get any better?

You are young at heart and a truly playful person. No one would ever accuse you of taking life too seriously. You are definitely in things for the fun. You find joy easily, and you are often building up anticipation for your next adventure. In relationships, you tend to want to be babied and taken care of. And while you may be a bit high maintenance, you are incredibly loyal. Your life is simple and satisfying. Each day you treat yourself to something you enjoy. You have a lot of emotional attachments, and experiences are extra vivid to you. You tend to be nostalgic and sentimental. The past is important to you. Comfortable around all living things, you have a special connection to animals and children. At your best, you are whimsical, free spirited, and creative. Even if your schemes seem a bit strange, they usually work out wonderfully. At your worst, you are spoiled, demanding, and impossible to satisfy. You've been known to act like a brat if you aren't getting your way!

I suppose now I should go feed myself and the cats.

Oh yeah, and I put the guinea pig on a diet. Its not a starvation diet, but I'm sure SHE thinks it is. Yay for accomplishments. Now if only I had the energy to clean my room...

things from the past

A few months ago I had the opportunity to try Rice Dream, a lactose-free ice cream based on rice milk. Mom used to buy it off a big co-op truck when I was little and I loved it. Its much better than tofutti ice cream. By far. By miles. By LIGHT YEARS. But that just means that tofutti is REALLY bad. It doesn't necessarily mean Rice Dream is good. Since I couldn't remember, I bought some when I found it in a health food store.

As it turns out, things are usually better in your memories. Don't get me wrong, Rice Dream is pretty good. But its not like it was when I was little.

Today, I cleaned out the freezer. I found stuff in the back that expired seven years ago. It was not bought seven years ago. It EXPIRED seven years ago. I discovered that peas lose all their water molecules when they are frozen for seven years, which means you can't really thaw them out because they don't change state anymore.

I also found an energy bar called Ginseng Sunrise. This is another item off my mom's co-op truck, which hasn't come since at least 1996. This was also one of my favorite treats from back then. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I decided to try it to see what it tasted like. Lo and behold, this bar is just as good in my memories as it is now, eleven years later. I don't know if it just doesn't age, or if in my memories the bars always tasted like they were eleven years old, or what, but this thing is delicious.

I'm going to have to buy myself some more of them. Maybe they will be even better, maybe phenomenal, when they are fresh.

Wheeee!

Life is complicated

There's really nothing much to write. After the daylight savings change, I want to just curl up and hibernate until the spring comes again. November isn't a good month for me.

I'm having memories of a time in my past when the summer wind tugged at my hair and cupid wasn't a bad guy. My life was figured out and money wasn't a thought in my mind. The wind was God's breath and the sunset was a masterpiece for me. Then it all went away and later, I found myself back in that awesome place, except without the poetic sunset imagery. Now its November again.

Memories of November include trying to skip it altogether, every year for as far back as I can remember, and only gathering more reasons to try harder to make it disappear. I think I write this post every year just to get it off my chest.

more random musings

I did a lot of driving today. Driving for a long time usually gives me a time to let my mind go rambling. Even when I stopped in various places to get my errands run, my mind was still doing its own thing. It was there, its not like those days when my mind completely takes a vacation. But it was just doing its own thing.

1. The Rutgers Kodenkan Jujitsu Club has been hit in the past year or two with several abdominal operations, two of them emergency appendectomies. Today my mind ramblings were abruptly cut short by a sharp pain in my side. I looked around to see where the guy with the knife was going because I was sure I'd just been stabbed. There was another sharp pain and I thought about a friend of mine, who told me his appendicitis felt like there were glass shards moving through his intestines. I took a deep breath and told myself appendicitis is NOT contagious, and there will not be a third jujitsu appendectomy. The cashier at Shoprite then told me that the basket goes under the conveyor belt, not hanging from my arm. I think she thought I was crazy or something cause I was staring off into space giving myself a little pep talk. But its good. I'm glad I can talk myself out of life-threatening situations.

2. Did you ever find yourself in a situation that was so bad you knew you had to pray but you weren't even sure what to pray for because you don't know what is in the best interests of all involved? Its a sickening feeling.

3. Food for thought. Completely random, this is where my mind takes me sometimes. In the Bible, everyone knows the story of Daniel, civil disobedience regarding religious practice and the subsequent discount stay in Lion's Den Motel. But not many people know that before that, when Daniel was first brought as a captive to the palace, they wanted him to eat like one of them, pork and unclean meats and all that. Daniel decided he wanted to continue to eat like a Hebrew and said so. He told them they should experiment- put him on a vegetable and water diet and watch him for a few days and watch the rest of the young men who were eating the meat and wine. At the end of the period of time, if he was not healthier than the other young men, then he would submit and eat like them. At the end of the trial period, they were all amazed at the difference, and Daniel continued to eat his vegetables. Nowadays, if a person is fasting eating only vegetables and no meats, breads, starches, etc, they call it a Daniel Fast. And this story isn't really going anywhere, other than to say that I'd be interested in trying some sort of fast sometime... but I have to have a regular eating schedule to start with otherwise I'll probably end up passing out or something.

4. Complete change of topic that may be uncomfortable for some of my more modest readers. I was thinking about Scrubs and how Elliot has this sexual fantasy of a Mexican apple thief coming into the ciderhouse to steal apples and falling in love with her. I was wondering if people really have odd sexual fantasies like that, or is it more of a generalized fantasy, like the rape fantasy that I've heard some people mention. I was thinking about it and by putting two and two together, I came to the conclusion that a person I know that I haven't spoken to in a long time might have had a kidnapping sexual fantasy, just based on some things this person said to me. It is somewhat disturbing but also fascinating that one thing might be a complete turn-off while at the same time it is quite exciting to another person. What causes different preferences in people, even expanding the question to non-sexual situations, why do our personalities make us choose different things?

Yeah so those were the burning topics in my mind today, other than the "Gotta wake up, gotta run errands, take my brother to school, find lunch, go to Morristown for jujitsu, go see if I can meet up with Navin, if not, gotta go to sleep cause Tuesday is going to be busy too" thoughts.

K thats all. What do y'all think of the new layout? Not my personality? Maybe dragons are MY sexual fantasy, hahaha.

wood spiders

This is my first attempt at uploading a video. Let's see how it goes.

I have no idea who owns the copyright to this, it came to me in email form, so I assume it is in the public domain. It ends with something about the National Film Board of Canada. This is my C.Y.A. disclaimer. Don't sue me or delete my blog for posting something that everyone is getting in their inbox anyway. Thank you.

Intelligence

I happened to come across a Q&A session with Barack Obama on Youtube. The question was about how Obama feels Stephen Colbert's candidacy will affect his campaign. Below, viewers were able to comment on the video. Here's my favorite. It is indicative of the need for young people to have a high school and/or college level course on American Government.

"And plus, Colbert said he was running for prez of South Carolina. lol Not the whole United Sates... Just South Carolina!"

Yup. Everyone, head to the polls, we need to make sure we vote because we all want Stephen Colbert to be the President of South Carolina.

oops

I forgot to mention the coolest Halloween costume ever. It was a group costume, a whole bunch of them dressed up like Christmas carolers and went to every door performing Christmas songs for Halloween candy. It was the first costume I have ever seen that required Trick-or-treaters to actually DO a trick.

I know them... kinda... so I'm wondering if they will let me come caroling with them in a few weeks.

Halloween

Soo... on October 30, Taylor, Navin, Anissa, and I decided to hang out in costume on Halloween at Anissa's house. Nothing like last minute costume ideas. I haven't dressed up as anything (excluding theater performances) in 10 years. My elementary school was run by the Baptist equivalent of a Catholic nun so Halloween was discouraged. To make up for it, we were allowed to dress as either a Pilgrim or an Indian at the school Thanksgiving banquet. So literally, it has been 9 years and 11 months since I last appeared in public in costume. A Judo gi doesn't count.

Luckily... many of my articles of clothing are eccentric, so when you take a lot of eccentric items and put them together you can usually cross the border into costume-land.



Deek is my pet dragon. He's giving my cheek lovies in this picture haha.




Deek and Me, inspecting the flowers.


After mom gave my camera back and let me leave the house, I got to Anissa's and we all had to help her with her costume. Taylor's sister did Anissa's eyes.




Of course, just because she's wearing a mask doesn't mean she's not Indian underneath. You MUST cook for your guests if you are Indian.


Navin and Taylor were Clark Kent and Lois Lane, which was cute.


After midnight, we all decided to leave Anissa in peace. I wished on a shooting star because Anissa told me it was All Saint's Day and whoever the saints are will hear it. It came true almost immediately so I guess my wish was too simple.

And that's all. Happy All Saint's Day, everyone!

A heartwarming story...

I went over to Karen Kool's blog today and it appears she's taking a break, so her readers are filling in for her by leaving all sorts of comments. This one was taken straight from the source, no editing involved, so I will give it a rating before you read too far. This story has been rated PG-13 (by me) for language. Here it is:

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

We take pumpkin carving seriously...

Last year, Steve and I went pumpkin picking at a farm near Princeton. Unfortunately, we picked our pumpkin in the rain. It was okay though; we got a good pumpkin and carved a coyote howling at the moon. It was quite a fun experience. This year, we decided to pick a pumpkin from a more local area, as in, a near-by garden center. We got a bigger pumpkin for maybe the same price. However, it rained again, so now its tradition. Next year, we can't pick our pumpkin UNLESS it rains. If we have a drought, we're screwed, no pumpkin haha. Anyway, after many hours of sketching and debating about the design, drawing it out over the course of a few days, we finally settled on something that was to our liking.

We were finally able to open the pumpkin up and clean out the insides. Thus begins 8 1/2 hours of cleaning, pin-holing, magic-marker-outlining, carving and painting with vaseline so it will keep longer.


Had we known how long our design would take us, we would have settled for the easier and more messy design of "vomitting pumpkin."


Perhaps I will plant a garden next year and we will be able to pick pumpkins in the rain at my house.


We took a copy of our design, and poked pinholes into the skin of the pumpkin.


Steve went over it in black marker showing the parts of skin we should carve off.


Just as we are getting started. You can't tell what it is yet can you? I did that on purpose, mwah-hahaha!


What could it be? A horse's head?


A spooky ghost?


Ooh, getting closer...


Voila! In case anyone is wondering, it is a boy. Legend has it that there is no such thing as a female Phoenix.

videos and pomegranates

Does it bother anyone that pomegranates are not symmetrical fruit? They are round, so you think they are symmetrical. But the top hemisphere has a taller bump. Then you cut it open. The bottom looks like a star, and has extra seeds inside. The top just has five "pockets" or seeds, instead of being all across the top of the dome shape. Yay for asymmetry! I hate it when people are anal retentive about symmetry. Not even the human body is symmetrical. At a glance it is, of course. Two legs, two arms, one head in the center. But studies have shown that if you take a picture of a person's face and reverse it, people have a harder time recognizing themselves or others, which indicates the placement of facial features is not symmetrical. In addition, you've got the spleen on the left, the heart in the mid-left, the pancreas on the mid-right, and the liver and gall bladder on the far right. That's not symmetrical. People should just give it up. Nature didn't intend for things to be symmetrical. That would be boring.

Oh and here are some videos.
darth vader meets monty python
what i have to look forward to with my kitty Jack.

Random thoughts

1. Is it squirrel mating season? I almost hit 4 very lucky squirrels today. They chase each other in pairs across the street.

2. I wasn't so sure about working at the greenhouse, but when I was there today and was asked how I like it, I said "Its growing on me." Hehe I'm so clever.

3. Today I wore my tight jeans. I call them my tight jeans because I haven't worn them in at least a year because they are too tight. But they fit now. I guess that means my other jeans are now too big. Which is funny because now that winter is coming I have been craving carbs and fats so I can bulk up for the cold and maybe actually feel something past my knees this winter. And I have also not been doing jujitsu as often as I used to. So you'd think with less exercise and more fatty foods, my jeans would be tight still. I like these jeans so I'm happy. But bummer, that means I'm gonna be SOOOO cold this winter, if I'm losing weight now.

4. I just took one of those online quiz things that asks you questions based on what you're wearing and what your natural hair color is (I was born with black hair that lightened to dirty blond with faint strawberry blond hints and later darkened to brown before I dyed it for the first time, with henna- so I don't know my natural color). I discovered that I am a "skanky emo skater with a nice smile, beautiful eyes, hints of too much to handle, finally ending with a broken heart." Thats a mouthful. They shouldn't base stuff on your natural hair color.

5. Hypothetical situation #(whatever the last number was plus one). I haven't done a hypothetical in a while. I was thinking about something I heard the other day, about a Jujitsu sensei in the AJJF. They said that no one ever really sees him angry unless a student brings dishonor to the dojo. So one thought leads to another until I finally came up with this scenario. If a person does something that could be construed as "bringing dishonor to the dojo" but keeps it a secret from everyone except me, is it my responsibility to inform the sensei so that the deed can be properly dealt with? What about if there's one other person who knows? Do I rely on them to make the decision? What if I have been involved longer and have a better knowledge of the intricate workings of the dojo? Who am I to inflict my morals on the doer of the deed? Or is it better said, "Who am I to inflict the sensei's morals on the doer of the deed?" Does honor have anything to do with morals?

I'd be interested in getting people involved in this kind of discussion. If anyone wants to comment, feel free. Lead by doing, be the first to break the silence of my comments section.

My job.

I don't mention my job much. I thought I would share with you all so you know what's going on. I work in a greenhouse. I keep forgetting and saying "nursery" when people ask me what I do. Then they say "awwwwww" in a really high pitched voice and then I have to tell them its not kids, its plants. Some people that know me better know I would kill myself if I woke up from a coma and discovered I somehow got hired at a kid-nursery.

Anyway, daily chores involve checking the plants to see if they are dry and watering them, cleaning dead leaves out, checking for pests or disease, sweeping, and telling customers that they can't put that plant on the porch, they can't put this one in a south window, they HAVE to put that one in the south window, they can't transplant into that pot because it won't drain... etc.

Its ok... it may or may not be where I'm "supposed" to be. But I want to be employed and I don't have the energy to keep applying to places for the time being, so this is where I will be for now. The employees are divided into two camps that don't agree with each other's plant-care-style. I really don't care either way. I've learned the ropes quickly, (though there's still a ton to learn) and I've figured out when I'm with camp one, I can do it their way and when I'm with camp two I'll do it that way. Neither one really kills the plant or harms customer satisfaction.

Anyway, I only deal with indoor greenhouse plants. The outdoor guys take care of things like shrubbery, vegetable garden stuff, and mums. Not the manager, but the other three guys, would probably be best described as Dumb, Dumber, and Dumber-er. But they're kinda fun to work with.

Anyway, here you go. Some of my babies:


Bromeliad up close. EDIT: I'm wrong, this is Tillandsia. Oops.


The whole bromeliad table. EDIT: The whole bromeliad/tillandsia table.


Amaryllis. The smell from this one is gorgeous.


A type of Begonia bred for the leaves rather than the flowers. There are some other types but my camera failed to capture the sparkle in the leaves. Guess you will have to use your imagination.


Some kind of funny name like Hydroxifolia. I know there's a Y, an X, and an F in it. Its in the violet family, but much bigger.


Some kind of succulent, on our cactus table. I don't remember the name of it, but this is the flower stem, not the whole plant.


A flowering cactus. Its really cute, this whole pot is only three inches in diameter.

Well that's it. Maybe someday I'll take some broader pictures of the whole greenhouse so you can get a better idea of the thing that is now filling my early afternoons.

HAHAHAHA

I check the postsecret website religiously. One of the postcards that had been sent in said something about a person who took LSD at Disneyland. A reader responded by email to the webmaster, and he posted the response:

"My brother dropped acid at D-land and called me in hysterics after riding Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. He told me--through tears--that he was dead and had gone to Hell. The next time I went on the ride, I realized that the ride actually does end in Hell. Weird for a kiddy-ride."

I just had to laugh. It lightened my day a little, since my last blog was about an hour ago and pretty bummed out.

stupid stupid rain

A guy I once had a crush on once told me never to despise the rain because it is what gives life to all things, and the sun will come again another day. I always treasured what he said and promised myself I'd always be thankful for the rain.

However, he told me that in the spring. This is fall when everything is dying anyway and doesn't need rain to live. The only thing that needs rain to live is mold. And that's what I'm allergic to. So my nose started running as the rain started this morning. It didn't help that I spent the day in a greenhouse surrounded by pollen. I can't breathe and I have had permanent post-nasal drip all my life.

I just spent 10 minutes dry-heaving in the shower. I think I screwed up my back and gave myself pleurisy. At least I can breathe now. I just can't stand up straight. Woooooh!

...

Stupid hippies.

Weekend

So, its a better day and I can now write about my weekend.

SATURDAY

On Saturday, I drove down to New Brunswick, met Steve, and we drove together to Taylor's house for Navin's birthday party. I brought some yummy homemade pumpkin apple streusel muffins. When we got there, we headed (almost) straight for the bouncy thing, which Taylor somehow got a great affordable deal on. We spent most of the night in there, playing with Taylor's little brother Colin, who had us fighting him with our animal super powers. There were levels and a boss to defeat, an indication that perhaps he's had ten minutes too many on the video games.


Then Petals the Clown showed up. She is a friend of Taylor's family, and stopped by after work. We were all standing around talking about her job when Navin interrupted. "I just have one question." Petals asked what that was. "Can I have a sword?"


So Petals ran back to the car as fast as her floppy shoe could take her and in no time, Navin was happy.


So was Steve.


In fact, we all got some sort of a balloon toy before Petals had to go home. But no fear, the night is not complete without sparklers and a bonfire.


Of course, you can't have a party without a cookie cake either.

All in all, it was a great party. We did a little jujitsu in the bouncy thing which was fun and quite a different experience, since there's no way to keep your balance in that thing. Reflecting on the night, its great that in our early 20s, we can still have a great time at a party that would be heaven to an 8 year old. I have come to realize in the past few years that the best friends you can have are the ones that bring out your inner 8 year old. The ones that let you live life simply, the ones that can appreciate the tiny things in life, and the ones that help you truly enjoy living for the sake of living. If, at 23, I can have as much fun fighting the mutant lobsters as Colin is having, then I know I am friends with the right people.

SUNDAY

Steve and I went to a wedding in Mt Laurel NJ. Kevin and Heather are former Jujitsuka, and Kevin is a blackbelt. In our dojo, we have a tradition in which, at the wedding reception of a blackbelt, other black belts are allowed to throw the one getting married. Its usually at the discretion of the bride and groom, and how approving they think their friends and family would be of such a demonstration at a wedding. Kevin had the foresight to provide his own mat, which could possibly be a first in the history of the dojo, although I don't know; I haven't been around long enough. Kevin is also Jewish, so there were some traditional elements of a Jewish wedding, and Heather is from a Christian background, so there were traditional elements there as well. In all, it was both a traditional and non-traditional wedding. Traditional because there were so many traditions upheld, non-traditional because its kind of against conventional practice to mix multiple traditional backgrounds. But no one cared much and all enjoyed the wedding. Here are some pictures for your enjoyment.


The most adorable flower girls and ring bearer ever.


Mr. and Mrs. Kevin Schnitzer


The Kennedy family. Scott, Stacy, and the twins.


Some good-looking wedding guests.


Congratulatory throws. My camera cannot handle both an indoor setting and a sport setting all at once.


Party favors. A much better idea than the usual bag of mints. (They are candles and the ribbons say "Kevin and Heather" with the date.)


Some guest... I dunno he kept doing cute things so I would take a picture of him. I don't know who he is.


The Jewish chair dance thingie.


Kevin and Heather, the day after.


I swear, this is not Roberto Benigni.