i think i need to sleep more.

This is my current aim away message:

so... did you know that prolonged sleep deprivation leads to a decrease in the quality of your eyesight, as well as a diminishing ability to maintain body temperature? not like i know that from personal experience or anything...

And that's all I have to say about that. Now, all my major projects are done for a while, so I can go to bed at a civilized time again, since I have to wake up at 8:30 every morning, regardless of how late I'm up.

But anyway... being up late led to a conversation with a friend who is also up late a lot, and that conversation got me thinking about prayer. I realized how much trust is involved, and I didn't realize it until today. I mean, I had last week's craziness, and this week's sleeplessness, to teach me a little bit more about telling God what's going on in my life and trusting that I'm not going to lose my mind, trusting God to keep me sane. But I guess, now that its Thursday and my classes are over for the week, and I can look back on the past two weeks, its easier to see the trust involved than when I'm actually struggling through it. So that's what I realized today. Talking to God about stuff involves trust that He's listening.

To top it off, God started answering this one prayer I have, and its really cool to see how things are moving along.

And in a way, its a good thing I'm sleep deprived today, because if I weren't, I'd probably be having some bittersweet memories. Sleep deprivation stunts emotion, so my current memories have no adjective in front of them. Today should have been a bad day for me, but it hasn't been. Still, I enjoy emotions, good or bad, so I think I'm going to go try and retrieve them by taking a nap.

Easter

Its probably not a good idea for me to post something about my day until the day is complete, because other stuff is bound to happen, especially since I'm about to go visit relatives, and that's always a blast... insert sarcasm here. I love my relatives... sort of. But they don't seem to want to have anything to do with me, especially since my parents have has all sorts of bad tally marks against them too. We're the black sheep, I guess. My dad decided not to follow everyone else's footsteps down the road of the teachers, doctors, and engineers. Instead, he chose computer programming, which in the 70s was the stupidest career choice ever, because the computer phase was going to die down in a little while anyway. Ha. Then he married my mom, who 1) breastfed her children 2) doesn't eat meat 3) never went to college or had a career besides parenting and 4) is "religious". All of which are viewed as unnatural and unnecessary for a "functional" way of life on that side of the family. So, its no wonder that they don't really have anything meaningful to say to me or my brother, especially since I'm a theater major (aka thats-not-a-real-major-what-are-you-really-going-to-do-with-your-life). Anyway, now I feel guilty for complaining about it before we actually go to my aunt's house. But in a way, it saved me from having to repost this entry later tonight. The same thing happens every year on every holiday, so if you really want to know, read what I said at Christmas. Don't forget about the 5 cats, which apparently I have developed allergies to.

Anyway, on the lighter side, I wanted to write about church. What else is new? It seems I've been doing a lot of that lately, but that's because God is real and active, and while church at times is stupid and boring, God's still exciting, and that's why I still go to church. Anyway... I'm low on sleep so I seem to be prone to tangents. I wanted to write that today someone prayed for me, and it was a special, refreshing prayer, and it was the type of prayer that makes a person all excited inside, because they can just feel in their bones that something amazing is going to happen in the next few weeks and months. Anyway, that left me really refreshed, so I had a nice Sunday. As for a nice Easter, well I know its supposed to be extremely special and meaningful (if you wanna know the meaning, ask) but in addition to all the good stuff associated with today, I've also collected a nice set of bittersweet memories, which I've been burying so far, but which may resurface at some point before the night is over. But mainly, it was a nice Sunday, and God is exciting, and that's what I wanted to say.

good friday and other stuff

So, remember how I sort of had a horrible week this past week? On Thursday, the day on which I have four exhausting classes and usually stress out, I was not stressed at all. I was still pretty tired, but I felt God holding me and saying, its ok. You're going to be alright. This week is almost over, just stick through it. So I did. Plus, I had lunch with Anissa, and it helped to talk to her. I went to Chi Alpha on Thursday night, and as soon as everyone found out I had a rough week, they stopped what they were doing and prayed for me. I am again amazed at the support I receive from my friends. Its not that I didn't think they were this awesome to begin with, its just that sometimes, circumstances make you appreciate it more.

On Friday, I choreographed a dance that I was supposed to perform at the Good Friday service at church. Nothing like waiting until the last minute. But, it went well. The whole service did. Its a little bit difficult to describe because it is to other church services what the Passion of the Christ is to other movies. Not the kind of thing that you leave with a smile, but still glad to have gone to it. The service is based on something done in 4th century church services, involving Scripture readings and songs, and after each song, the lights are dimmed to represent the disciples' abandonment of Jesus after his arrest, and Jesus' question, "God why have you forsaken me?" The service has a very dramatic effect, and being a drama queen (and to a small extent, a masochist) its one of my favorite church services.

After the service, someone I don't know very well came up to me and said, "I just wanted you to know that God told me to pray for you this week, and I've been praying for you a lot." My first thought was: "So THAT's why I'm still alive!" But all in all, I thought it was cool that God cares enough about me to tell people I don't know that they should pray for me. I felt special.

So that's just the lastest update. In a nutshell, God cares about me, and I'm a drama queen procrastinating masochist. And God cares about me DESPITE the fact that I'm a dqpm. Cool. I have homework to proc... to finish. Good night ladies and gentlemen.

che giornata!

Italian for "what a day!"

Well, I should be working on my project that's due at 11:30 tomorrow, but considering the fact that I don't own the book I'm supposed to be using, I feel justified in taking a little time to update my blog. I'm going to leave out some of the gory details because, frankly, I don't really want to remember that this day ever existed. It started with a 9:50 class. Not so bad, except its a class I hate. Not because its boring or anything, but because it stretches me out of my comfort zone, and that's the precise reason I won't allow myself to drop it. Its good for me. Kinda like steamed spinach I guess. A weird sort of masochism. Anyway, something unexpected happened in class today, and it was more stressful than most of my other classes combined.

The next thing requires a little background. When I was in third grade, I experienced something the doctor called heart palpitations, which is basically a few minutes of the physical symptoms of a panic attack without the actual emotion of panic or fear. Having just switched schools, the doctor said it was brought on by stress. After a few incidents, it stopped, and I haven't had a palpitation in about 13 years. Until today. It lasted longer than I remembered, but then, when you aren't breathing properly, time tends to slow down. When it was finally over, I was shaken, not physically, but emotionally... it was kind of the trigger- "Ok, now I know things are bad, and I need to find a way to relax, 'cause I've been stressed for weeks." I thought about not going to jujitsu tonight because, you know, physical activity... heart problems... don't really go together. But my mom convinced me to go because jujitsu is the one time each week when I feel completely relaxed.

And that brings me to the last point. When I got back, I found 10 AIM messages, most of them telling me "I hope you feel better," "Here's a hug," and "I'm praying for you." I don't usually get a whole lot of AIM messages when I'm away, so it really made me appreciate the value of friendships. You all know who you are, and you made me feel very special, so thank you.

And now, I'm going to go invent some assignment to hand in tomorrow.

sunday night church service

Well... I'm not sure where to begin. I guess I should say I've been on spring break this past week. I did nothing but sleep, watch movies, and knit (which are all practically the same activity), and the knots in my shoulders were gone by Sunday, before the official spring break period began. It was completely relaxing, but there was still a cloud looming ahead, knowing that it would end and my crazy school life would start again. I really did not want to come back to school, and wished I had the guts to drop out. Yesterday was Sunday, and I didn't really enjoy the morning service. Well, maybe I did. I honestly don't remember being there, but I know I was. So obviously, it was nothing spectacular.

After that, I was supposed to return to Rutgers, but managed to work things out so I could have an extra night at home, and go back to RU on Monday. This allowed the time to go to the once-a-month evening service, which was focused on using creativity in worship. This is something I used to do a lot, but admit that I've given up a lot of things I used to do, just because I'm not really as close to God as I used to be. I miss the creativity, and I know that not doing it has had a negative effect in other areas of my life.

So the service started with an intsrumental song, just to clear our minds of extraneous stuff... to focus our attention. The song was beautiful, but as soon as it started, I started talking to God. "I wish I didn't have to go back to school. I'm really going to need Your help to do this. New Brunswick is full of 'spiritual mud' and I'm sick of swimming in it, just so I can come back to church every week and wash off.' Then the music began to make a sound I can only describe as "shimmering blue." I'm not really sure how music can possibly have a color, but that's the only way I know how to describe it. So after the song was over, they started the creative part, which is pretty much paper, pencils, paints, chalks, cray-pas, crayons, you name it, and just kind of do whatever comes to mind while you talk to God. My picture was of a person standing under a waterfall falling from heaven. The more I drew, the cleaner I felt, and more ready to face the rest of my semester.

The next part of the service was regular worship for, well everyone, but also for those people who may not have felt comfortable with the less traditional painting part. This is where I felt more comfortable just telling God, here's how I feel, sorry I always forget to trust You, and etc... If you read this blog regularly, I probably don't need to repeat myself, even though it seems I repeat myself a lot when I'm talking to God. Anyway, while I was kind of absorbed in God and my tears and everything else, this guy I don't know tapped me on the shoulder and said God told him to show me a Bible verse. It said:

I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven. Luke 10:19-20

Then the guy said, "You can walk among the snakes and you don't have to fear them, because God is walking with you." It was extremely encouraging, but I have to insert a disclaimer here: None of the people at Rutgers is a snake or scorpion, but I do at times feel in danger of a sting or bite, and I'm not talking about getting mugged at night. Stuff goes on here that scares me.

Anyway, after that, I felt like I had hashed through all the junk in my soul, and I could move on to more pleasant things. I used to be a liturgical dancer, but something happened, and I stopped dancing. I knew it was getting really bad when I could stand in a room and not feel my feet tapping. For about two years now, I've been longing to start dancing again, but things always came up, there was always an excuse not to. But last night, I danced again and I somehow felt like a much stronger dancer than I used to be. I don't know if it was the music, the night, the whole giving-God-my-crap-and-tears stuff, the creativity, or something else, but I know it was something I've missed tremendously, and it allowed me to pray for some friends of mine and really feel like my prayer was not in vain. It was an overall special night.

It gave me the strength for today, because this Monday was worse than all my other ones. It might possibly rank in the top ten worst of my life, and I don't know if I would have had the strength to make it through if I hadn't gone to church last night.

Anyway, that's my saga about what God is doing in my life. Its kind of long, and some might find it boring, but without God, my life isn't really worth writing about. So, thanks for caring about me, and reading this far down. : )

Irish eyes are smiling...

Whatever that means. Its St. Patrick's Day so I have to say something Irish. Even though St. Patrick was English. Anyway, I wore green and got four kisses, so I hope my luck rubbed off on some of you unlucky people. Anyway, my Irish family had a little gathering at a Charlie Brown's, which was interesting. This is kind of a pointless blog entry, except that I have to write about my experience tonight: I was the only lefthanded person at a circular table that was made for six, though we seated eight. And I felt like broadcasting that information to the world through my blog. So there you have it folks. Its leftie bias. So much discrimination. Anyway... that was all. Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone.

Death

So... I hope this isn’t too depressing. I went to a funeral today. Yesterday, rather, because its now 3:30 am and I’m far enough into Wednesday that today has become tomorrow. Or something like that. Anyway, the funeral was very nice. That sounds like an oxymoron, but it seemed to be just the way the woman would have wanted for her funeral. As with all the funerals I’ve been to, I always end up thinking about death (is that so surprising?) Today I wondered if God lets us watch our funerals before we reach that final, no-turning-back point (assuming there IS a no-turning-back point*). Because I think that as amazing as heaven must be, and as much as I long to be in God’s presence, I’d still be pretty curious to see how well my friends and family really know me. Do they know what kind of music I’d like played? What my favorite flowers are? Even, what kind and stain of wood I like? I wondered who would come, what they’d say, and why its tradition at funerals to get together and eat afterwards. Thankfully, the funerals I’ve been to have not been for people I’m extremely close with, otherwise, I’d have trouble eating afterwards. Extreme greif tends to make food taste like wax, so I don’t know where that tradition came from.

*footnote for "no-turning-back point": I’ve heard stories of people who were medically dead, went to heaven, and were told they were only allowed to walk so far in before they had to return so that medics could revive them. But I’m not an expert on this at all. I just like to use my imagination.

Anyway, of all the hymns and other songs that I could get stuck in my head, I ended up singing (all day) a song by Sara Groves, one I didn’t even hear today:
I’ve been feeling kind of restless/ I’ve been feeling out of place/ I can hear a distant singing/ A song that I can’t write/ And it echoes of what I’m always trying to say// There’s a feeling I can’t capture/ It’s always just a prayer away/ I want to know the ending/ Things hoped for but not seen/ But I guess that’s the point of hoping anyway// Chorus: Of going home, I’ll meet you at the table/ Going home, I’ll meet you in the air/ And you are never too young to think about it/ Oh, I cannot wait to be home// I’m confined by my senses/ To really know what you are like/ You are more than I can fathom/ And more than I can guess/ And more than I can see with you in sight// But I have felt you with my spirit/ I have felt you fill this room/ And this is just an invitation/ Just a sample of the whole/ And I cannot wait to be going home// Chorus// Face to face, how can it be/ Face to face, how can it be/ Face to face, how can it be// Cuz this is just an invitation/ Just a sample of the whole/ And I cannot wait to be going home

Completely and honestly, I’ve had times when I’ve gotten so utterly tired of life on earth. Sometimes its just things I do, other times its that people here can be so stupid and senseless. Heaven must be so incredible. No stupid people that crowd the sidewalks and don’t actually walk because they are on their phones and can’t concentrate on two things at once. Granted, I can’t do two things at once either. But at least I realize it and don’t crowd the sidewalk talking on a cell phone while other people actually want to get to class on time. Ok that was a little bit of a tangent. Cell phone users don’t make me feel like I want to die. They just make me think heaven is going to be really nice. If nothing else, there will be bigger sidewalks. Ok now I’m getting a little bit irreverent. Perhaps its my way of avoiding the fact that yes, I have longed for death. Not in a suicidal way, but in a way that says, God, its crazy here on earth. Can you speed up time a little? This life is wearing me thin, and I want to go home.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. There’s more to that, but I think I’ll save it for some other time. I should have gone to bed hours ago, but I was turning something around in my mind (something else besides the funeral topic). Something that can also wait for some other time.

another epiphany

I think I figured out what's different. Where the stress is coming from. Maybe I'll share it sometime. But until then, I'm still open if anyone else thinks they know where the stress is coming from.

ARRGGHHH

This is attempt number three at posting a blog entry that my computer seems intent on deleting. On attempt number two, I speculated that perhaps the computer is inhabited by a gremlin. I have now upgraded the word "gremlin" to "demon." Having said that, I feel justified in praying without feeling irreverant, that the wrath of God would descend upon this wretched and miserable paperweight.

Let me try and recap what I said in attempt number two:

"I heard a story once that the man who first had the idea for a computer saw a dishwasher, and a toaster and thought that since we have machines to do things for us, why not a machine that does everything (multi-tasking)? The result was a machine that does nothing. This is not to insult the handful of Computer Geniouses or Computer Science majors who have the patience to call me friend. But sometimes I really get the urge to throw the thing out my second-floor window."

I'm slowly losing everything I wrote in the first and second attempts, because my memory isn't that great at 2 am. I know I was writing more for the sake of writing than for the need to bare my soul. And because I was hoping that as I wrote, some of the people on my buddylist might come back from being away.

I also wrote about watching a movie with my mom and trading massages with her. She got the better end of the deal because I've been giving her massages since I was 8, and because her grip isn't strong enough to get rid of the rocks that are sometimes referred to as muscles (the ones that start with trapez- my 8th grade health teacher would be dissapointed I've forgotten the name). I used to be incredibly relaxed, and actually, I would get tense if someone tried to give me a massage. Figure that one out. But in the past couple of months, I've been really tense. I didn't even realize I've been tense. Scott suggested last week after jujitsu that I should look into taking a massage class. I was politely and mildly interested and then I proceeded to have a week of midterms that woke me up to just how tense I really am. When I mentioned the idea to my mom, of course she told me I should do it at all costs. (I think she's always had a secret wish that I would drop out of Rutgers and go to a school for massage therapy to become a masseuse. masseuice? massuse? Massager. And of course, give her discounts when I go into business...) Anyway, I have no idea what made me so tense. I've had tough semesters before, I've had midterms before. There's not much new in my life that might cause stress. Is there? If anyone can think of something I'm missing, let me know.

Anyway, that's as much as I can remember about my entries. And it kind of makes writing a blog seem a little artificial when I'm trying to remember what I said before instead of just letting my thoughts flow. But anyway... thats my entry for tonight.

I should start a procrastination club, but...

I would never get around to it. That's a quote from an IM convo I had the other day. I used it because right now, I REALLY don't want to study for my comp sci midterm. What on earth does a theater major need to know True Basic for? And yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition. On purpose. Ha. Take that.

Hmm, it looks like I'm in an obstinate mood tonight. I don't know where that came from. Here's another IM quote:

name withheld to protect the procrastinator: yay!
nwtptp: a blog!
nwtptp: i'll never ever get any work done now
arwenundomiel9: lol, that sounds like me!!

So now that everyone knows, specifically, the purpose of this entry, I will continue. Readers beware, I did a lot of thinking today, and in terms of content or relevance, my thoughts don't really connect to each other.

So, the first great epiphany I had occurred while watching We Were Soldiers. "I have never felt true fear in my waking life." Ironic thought for someone who just wrote a blog entry about how much fear there is in my life. But that fear is intimidation fear. I allow circumstances to overwhelm me, and I know it is something I need to conquer. But I hope and pray that I will never feel true fear in my waking life. In my dreams, I have already felt this fear. It comes from looking in the eyes of absolute evil. I don't know if that thought was actually spawned by the movie; I don't think it was, but if not, then I don't understand the neuron connections in my brain. Well, then again, who does?

The other thought I had sounded stupid when I wrote it out, so I deleted it, and effectively used about 20 minutes of procrastination time. Yay.

Ooh... I did just have another epiphany though. Something happened today that may be a little hard to describe. In Jujitsu (translated, the art of gentleness), for those of you who are unfamiliar with it, all of the methods of throwing someone (that I have learned so far) have involved keeping the person off balance, always slightly on their toes, until the moment their feet leave the ground, only to find it again a second later after they have flipped over your back, and landed, more or less, on theirs. Wow. That was a cool, dramatic way of describing it. But that wasn't the point. I am getting to that. Anyway, the off-balance part is called kazushi. And (here's the epiphany) today, I found myself in a sort of verbal kazushi, always off balance, then swept off the ground, and finding myself on my back without even realizing it had happened until later. And that's the cool part. It was so gentle, I barely noticed that I had become extremely vulnerable to the other person. This person must have been very skilled in the art of speaking.

Hmm... I hope I don't have too many jujitsu epiphanies, because I'd have to take a lot of time to explain the significance to people. Anyway, I think on that note, before my ephiphanies get weird, I'll go.

Sunday

So. I went to church today, the one that meets in the LSC. Due to LTC's "Once upon a Mattress," the service was conducted in a castle. Which was interesting. By the way, for those of you who didn't go see Mattress, you missed out on an awesome show. It wasn't perfect, but its always fun to see people you know doing stuff that they probably do a lot anyway haha (Mickey, Chris, etc...). Anyway, I definitely felt that I got more than my $5 worth out of the show, so... yeah. That was a tangent.

Back to the church service... I told God I'm sick of how the atmosphere around Rutgers sometimes makes me feel like everyone is throwing mud at me. And then the sermon, which was .5 seconds after I made my complaint, was from Micah, who essentially said, "Woe is me, life is hard." And then continued it with, "But as for me, I will wait in hope because God makes life worth living." And THEN God said, "You're not being very much like Micah." And then I felt as if all the mud was gone, and... That's just what happened today I guess. I feel like I'm having a power struggle with God, like where is my trust, really? I give it to Him, I take it back, I give it to Him. Why can't I just let Him have it? Life would be so much easier if I could remember that God is in control of things. I've been getting a little better lately, but still... I worry more than is healthy I think.

And after church, I went to lunch with Anissa, which was nice. The way things worked out, we were sort of pushed together in jujitsu, and I love being able to have someone else who understands the way I think about God and life and stuff. Well, I have other people who do that too; I'm not intending to neglect my other friendships by mentioning this... but whatever. What I wanted to say was I had fun eating lunch with Anissa.

And now of course, I'm ignoring my studying for two tests tomorrow. And I'm going to keep ignoring it by going to jujitsu tonight. Its ok, I have all night haha! Actually, I kind of feel pretty prepared for them, so I just need to look stuff over. Okay... I guess I'll do that now then...

here we go again...

"Hello, Lord, it's me, your child, I have a few things on my mind..." ~Sarah Groves, on her album Conversations

Its a Friday night. I'm dressed a tad nicer than I usually dress (though still in blue jeans), I'm wearing perfume and a necklace my mom used to wear when she was younger. And my jewelry matches for once. No silver-and-gold-mix-match. Today, I actually put a little thought into my jewelry. I picked dull silver. I couldn't even wear my watch because its shiny silver. Sorta matches my mood a little. Low-key, slightly antiqued, like memory-lane.

And I'm sitting in my dorm doing homework. I'm wondering how many more times I will have to turn things over to God. How many times will I feel so emotional that my whole body begins to ache? And when that happens, how many times will I have to tell God, "You take it. I can't deal with it anymore."?

I'm tired of this. If anyone has any tips for how to fall out of love, let me know. I'll just be here. Doing homework. I think I have senioritis a year early. I'm constantly doing homework. I don't think I've ever been able to work ahead in my assignments before. Anyway, those are my thoughts. A little bit down, but overall, I'm better than I have been in months. So that's good.