Just a list...

1) I was thinking about the other day, writing about iced cappucinos. There's another drink that doesn't exist that gets under my skin.

Customer: I want a regular coffee.
Me: Ok, what size would you like?
Customer: Regular.
Me: Small, medium, or large?
Customer: Regular.

Arghh. There's no "regular" size on the menu above my head, nor have we done a study to see what size is most popular or determined what might be considered "regular". Regular means its not decaf, you still have to specify a size. I am about as indecisive as you are and if you make me pick a size for you my head will explode. You want the darn coffee, make a decision about it. I don't want coffee, therefore I should not be expected to make your decisions for you. I have no idea how many times this conversation has happened. Arghh.

2) In other news... I saw this at Target the other day. What will they think of next I wonder?

3) I think I have the Anissa syndrome. The one where someone indicates to you that something will happen and then when its ten minutes after that something should have happened you discover that they refuse to answer their phone to even give an excuse, and then you take it personally instead of realizing that some people are just oblivious to what their actions are doing. She's been in that situation before. Now I know what it feels like.

4) At first, you pulled me off balance with your verbal kazushi and it ended in a verbal hip throw. Later on it was a verbal grappling match and I learned a lot from the grappling practice, even though a lot of times I ended up getting choked out. But now you are beyond me, you are not using rank appropriate techniques, and I can't see what's coming next anymore. You are tossing me around like a rag doll and I'm getting as bruised as I do on the mat at jujitsu. The problem is, I love it, just like I love jujitsu. Ironic that I'd say that, considering the things I'm going through at jujitsu. Its true in more ways than one. You might be really smart in a lot of things, but you are a white belt when it comes to interacting with people.

Running...

Cyrus is back in town, YAY. Anissa is happy I'm sure. In my opinion they are really cute together. I remember a few months ago when Anissa complained about being a fifth wheel. She said sometimes a third wheel is useful but a fifth wheel is utterly pointless. I was a fifth wheel today, and it wasn't really as bad as she made it sound.

We (the jujitsu crew plus some) went to U-Yee's for Sunday Half Priced Sushi. It was cool and weird at the same time. Weird for me only. I'm sure everyone else had a great time. Cara even came back from France just to eat sushi. Then we went to Fusion Ti and had bubble tea, which was awesome.

Afterwards a bunch of us hung out at The Guys' place, and it was nice, but I was a wallflower, not by anyone's fault, its just that with that many people I withdraw. I can't help it.

The past couple of days I've had this itch to go somewhere. Taylor and Navin are going to Australia. That same week, Anissa and CJ are having a girly trip to Ireland. I'm going to have the house to myself, so everyone, including myself, has been suggesting I go somewhere too. But there's a time and place for travelling alone and that time is not now. I need someone to come with me. I also need money, or a cheap place to go.

After searching online for flights to "anywhere," on "any date" after January 1, I have discovered that online airline websites are not set up for people who are leaving someplace, they are set up for people who are going someplace. Someone once told me that if I'm going to run somewhere, I have to make sure I have something I'm running towards, and not something I'm running from. Its a good idea.

Unfortunately, I don't know how to follow that advice. I want to get away because I don't want to be here, not because I want to be somewhere else. Therefore, anywhere that's not here will do, and that doesn't give me anything to run towards.

Last time mom was down here to visit she mentioned something about how this year will be the first in a long time that neither sibling has been in school. Ever since I graduated from 8th grade, my brother and I have been in separate schools, which means that our winter and spring breaks are never at the same time. Now that I've graduated, my brother's breaks will mean neither of us have school. So to make a long story short, she hinted that it would be cool if we all could go somewhere, somewhere meaning the cruise she took with her mom and sisters once.

I'm hoping maybe this cruise, if it happens, will cure the itch I have to get away. I don't know if it will. I don't know if anything will cure it because what I'm actually trying to get away from is inside me.

Things I've never done...

Today, I did a bunch of things I have never done before. Men beware... female language is used.

1) I have never been to a mall or anywhere in the vicinity on the day after Thanksgiving. Until today. They had to pay me to get me to go. But I made good tips.

2) I have never given my blog address to a coworker. I'm ok with this, however, just for now, some of the entries are going back to "draft" status.

3) I have never been caught in a daydream that ended with, "Oh my gosh I want to rip out my uterus and strangle that woman with it." I think you all know which woman. I wasn't even super serious... the complete idiocy of the idea made my day that much better. I laughed inside and then the sun started shining again. It even made me stop cramping a bit.

K that's all.

this didn't fit in that last post.

I don't know what's happening here. I don't know why you're closed off. I don't know why you'll open up to other people and not to me. I don't know why I'm crying right now or why it bothers me so much.

I don't know why I can write a post about how great Nordstrom is and then in two minutes my mood will swing to the teary side and I will be mad at you but at the same time endlessly forgiving because for some reason I forgive you instantly, but resent others. Why should I forgive you? I have no reason to. You lied. The lie led to certain actions being taken, which hurt me. But for some reason I forgave you and took the hurt inside and resented people not connected to it at all. Why would I do such a thing? I don't know. I tried to stop resenting but I couldn't. I tried to stop forgiving but I couldn't.

I tried to be a good Christian girl and then I tried to figure out what that meant. I tried to give the entire situation to God but He must not lock his cages well enough because it keeps escaping and coming back to me with its tail wagging and its tongue hanging out, where it then proceeds to dig up my flower garden.

I miss being friends with you.

Sigh...

I'm gonna start with yesterday and work my way forward.

At the end of the kids' jujitsu class, we all did a Rutgers cheer towards the Raritan River, and the stadium beyond, since the biggest game in 137 years was starting right as kids' class was ending. After the kids left, we went out on the roof of the gym and looked towards the stadium, where we could see the lights. Every once in a while, there'd be a cheer (44,111 voices!) which was cool that we could hear it from that distance. When we went downstairs for adult jujitsu, we had the gym supervisor poking his head in to tell us the score.

I got checked out in jujitsu. For you non-jujitsuka, thats sort of like a pop quiz to see if you're ready for the final exam. You can't test for the next belt without being checked out. This is the second time I've been checked out. And I'm probably not testing soon. This time, for different reasons. In May, it was mental. I practiced the techniques. I didn't actually DO them. Now, according to Rod, that part is ok. Its the bridge falls I have to work on. Or rather... I have to actually do one. I had it sort of in May and then lost it. I haven't done one since then. And I'm terrified to do it. I don't know why. And this time... I don't have the patience to be pushed to do it. In May, I had Barb stand over me and say "Just go, do it, NOW." And after a few false starts, I went and did it. A poor one, but I did. And I got used to doing it.

Now, I don't have the patience. If she does that again, I might lose it and flat out refuse. I don't know how she would respond to that either. I don't know how I would respond to that.

So, this little blue belt won't be losing a stripe quite yet. I feel like I SHOULD be sad, but I'm not. I really don't care. I'm starting to get that uneasy feeling... because there's a lot I don't care about, and I feel like I should be caring.

After class, we walked over to the student center. College Avenue was DEAD. A ghost town. Cue sound effect #39, crickets chirping. Everyone was inside watching a TV or over at the stadium. You could have gotten away with murder; there was no one around to witness it. Even the police were in the student center watching the game. Anissa did 90 on George St after her class because the only ones around had their faces glued to the front window of a bar, trying to see the tv. Even so, there was still a tiny buzzing in the back of our heads, the helicopters from Homeland Security just waiting... biding the time until all hell breaks loose at the end of the game. It could either be a good all hell breaking loose, or a bad one, depending on the game.

We got there by the 4th quarter, and saw Rutgers tie it up. The tension in the student center was crazy, you could cut it with a knife. I thought Cara was going to have a stroke if she ran out of nervous habits. Then, the cheer that went up at the end of the game totally released all the tension.

Minutes later, College Ave was a madhouse. A whole mob of people marching down the street screaming... cars honking horns... helicopter floodlights roving around like the eye of Sauron... it was crazy, in a cool way.

So yeah. Yay for Rutgers. Way to be crazy. Of course we won... its the way of the RU Screw. You think its smooth sailing, and then BAM they drop your class. Or in this case... win your game.

Oh yeah. And thanks to NYC for lighting up the Empire State Building for us. Cool effect. Why are we always sharing sports teams with you guys?

Lotsa stuff...

I got a lotta catching up to do.

1) Thursday at jujistu, Rod was working with me and Wild West Alan (geez my friends need to stop having the same names as each other). Most of the time I was wondering about the time and wishing jujitsu would hurry up and end. Scott, who was in charge of us, noticed me I think. Somehow he knew I didn't want to do the techniques. So he pulled me aside to work with me separately. He showed me a handkercheif that he had folded up in his hand. My job was to get the handkercheif in any way possible. The only rule was no biting, kicking, striking, etc. So it basically turned into a grappling match. I got the handkercheif from him twice, and I knew what he was trying to do. It was an object lesson- in the same way I see the handkercheif as a goal and go for it, I also have to see every technique as a goal and go for it. That was what he said but there was more he left unspoken... which I think he was saying in his mind. In the same way I see the handkercheif as a goal and go for it, I also have to see my next belt level as a goal and go for it, because once I set my mind to do something, I'll be able to. I appreciated his efforts, but I secretly felt bad for making him take these lengths. I don't know if I'll ever test. While I believe my belt level is a goal, and I believe that if I exert myself, I can accomplish it, I don't believe I will, because I don't really have any reason to. I barely have any reason to stick with jujitsu, its just something I keep doing cause... I don't know maybe its habit or something. Its like I haven't really found a reason to quit yet.

2) On Friday, Cara, Steve, and I left for Virginia. We were parked (literally) on Rt. 78 in PA for 2 hours. Pennsylvania I think is where they put the Twilight Zone when they stopped filming it for TV. West Virginia and Maryland went by quickly, and then we were in VA. We were there to visit Gus and Hazel, a shichidan in judo and his wife. Upon arriving, we discovered he's way more than just a judoka. First of all their relationship is adorable. They have the love of teenagers floating between them, and yet they are well along in their years. Its so cute to see them acting silly... It makes me glad I never have to worry about growing out of it. Then, they kept telling all sorts of stories about each other- mostly Hazel telling us about the strippers dancing on his lap when he was in the Navy, and about his doing handstands on top of the Roanoke Star (the largest manmade star in the world), and showing us his rock collection, which included a geode made on the inside of a clam shell, weird iron-looking rock found only by him and part donated to the Smithsonian, and a piece of petrified snake poop. Well anyway, all these stories are interesting and everything, but we were down there to visit his dojo. It was a really good experience and we learned some cool stuff. Or, more variations on stuff we knew. I am glad we went down to visit, especially since the way back was actually in daylight and I had no idea Virginia was so beautiful.

3) Remember remember the fifth of November- gupowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.

I've been thinking about this lately. Today is Guy Fawkes Day. V for Vendetta, a new movie (old book and comic book), has made the day more famous, but maybe for the wrong reasons. In the movie, the day was supposed to be used as a day when V (and his followers) could stand in opposition to the government control and censorship. While its a good movie, and valuable because I live in a country that doesn't censor that type of movie, I don't think its really accurate. Guy Fawkes (a catholic) tried to assassinate the king for religious reasons. Today, Guy Fawkes Day is remembered, not because of his actions, but because he was tried for treason. People burn(ed) effigies of him and the pope on this day. To me, that has nothing to do with the movie. So while I still like the movie, I've lost a little respect for it... because accuracy is important to me.

4) The male race is amazing to me. Sometimes baffling and mind-boggling, but tonight I'm thinking that men are stronger than I give them credit for. I realized that its easy for me to become vulnerable and cry in front of people, and I thought guys were silly for not being able to do that. But today I saw that it is much harder to want to both cry and be strong for the people you're with, and choose to hold the pain in until those people are gone, because you don't want to add to their pain by crying. Instead of choosing not to be vulnerable (weak), he chose when to be, and that I think, is a greater feat. Not necessarily something one should do but something that is very difficult to do, once chosen.

5) Condolences to Michigan Dan, who had to delete his blog. Merely a year old. We'll miss you little blog... *sniff*

6) From Cyrus' xanga. I think every woman should see this.

November...

I used to dread springtime for the memories. I think now, its November. Not only does every culture celebrate death with Halloween, All Saint's Day, Samhain, and Dia de Los Muertos, but in England they celebrate the death of Guy Fawkes and here in the US, we have election day.

Yeah... little kids get to associate death with costumes and candy. I can associate death with elections. When politics comes around, I want to die.

Can I just say, I don't like any of the politicians out there and to use a quote from a fond friend, "If you're a (fill in blank here) the only good you are is a good source of protien." My blank would be "politician". Of course, I can think of one person, who if he still reads this blog, would be highly offended. I'm sorry to him, because I know he's into politics. In his case, he's a good source of "friend" but I have no use for politics, elections, government leadership, etc.

So, mom registered me for an absentee ballot, which came yesterday. Unfortunately for anyone hoping I would vote, yesterday was also the deadline to get the ballot in the mail. Unfortunately for me, mom knows how to lay on the guilt.

I hate fighting with her. I've never fought with her about anything except voting and political issues. I didn't want to register when I turned 18, I didn't want to vote, in fact, I have never been inside an actual voting booth while being a reigstered voter. I have filled out an absentee ballot, once. Unwillingly. Knowing my parents would probably not speak to me for a week unless I filled it out. As it was, I had enough trouble as a result of my asking them who to vote for.

Its not even that we disagree about the issues. Its just that she strongly believes in something and I don't give a damn one way or the other.

Sorry for the language... I know by comparison that's really mild but usually I don't speak like that... I'm just upset. I hate arguing with my mom, as I've already mentioned. I get the Republican party emails, which I read but don't care about. And everything in there is exactly the opposite to what the Democrats are saying, even when it comes to plain facts. So one of them has to be wrong, and I really don't care which one it is. The sky can't be green and purple at the same time.

But she cares and its not Biblical to withhold your vote from an election. Well I have news. Elections aren't Biblical either. Back then it was either monarchy, Hebrew judges, or chaos, and sometimes the chaos made more sense.

I guess... I have other things on my mind this month too. Maybe its influencing my decision making.