Why am I here?

Lately, I've been wondering what my next goal is in life.  When I expressed this, someone played devil's advocate, because you know, that's a fun thing to do.  He said, "In a way, I think the human race wants something more, better, bigger, and their souls are unnecessarily restless.  In a way, I feel it induces unnecessary misery, higher divorce rates, etc.  I am all for betterment of one's self.  But what is also wrong with "I have arrived and am content"?  Just playing devil's advocate."

I suppose I just feel that I have arrived in many ways.  I am sort of content, but mostly I am trying to figure out, if I am past my prime, why am I still here?

So that restlessness led me to commencement speeches, where I can pretend I am a part of an audience who still has huge goals for their futures and who still would welcome some mildly cliched but mostly inspiring speeches from famous people.

Here are some of my favorites:

Dolly Parton's Commencement speech at UT:  "Do not confuse dreams with wishes.  There is a difference.  Dreams are where you visualize yourself being successful at what's important to you to accomplish.  Now dreams build convictions because you work hard to pay the price to make sure that they come true.  Wishes are hoping good things will happen to you, but there's no fire in your gut that causes you to put everything forth to overcome all the obstacles.  So, you have to dream more, and never ever ever blame somebody else if it doesn't happen."

Bill Cosby's Commencement speech at Carnegie Mellon:  "Nerd:  a prepared person who doesn't give a damn about the dance."

Ellen's Commencement speech at Tulane University:  "Thank you to all of the graduating class of 2009; I realize most of you are hung over and have splitting headaches and you haven't slept since Fat Tuesday but you can't graduate 'till I finish so listen up.  When I was asked to make the commencement speech I immediately said yes.  Then I went to look up what commencement meant... I had to break the word down myself to find out the meaning.  Commencement.  Common, and cement.  Common cement.  You commonly see cement on sidewalks, sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back.  So there's that.  But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.  I ... didn't go to college at all.  And I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity."

Meryl Streep's Commencement speech at Barnard:  "Pretending is not just play.  Pretending is imagined possibility."

Randy Pausch's Commencement speech at Carnegie Mellon:  "We don't beat the Reaper by living longer.  We beat the Reaper by living well and living fully... It is not the things we do in life that we regret on our deathbed.  It is the things we do not... Your passion must come from the things that fuel you from the inside.  Find someone [whose] happiness is more important than [your own]."

Steve Jobs had a similar speech to Randy Pausch's, except it was slightly less eloquent but basically the point was that we should ask ourselves "If today was my last day on earth, would I want to be doing what I will be doing today?"  If the answer is "no" multiple times in a row, you need to make a change.

Perhaps I need a bucket list.  Anyone want to share theirs?

A Full Life

So, you all probably know about Harold Camping's prediction that the Rapture will be tom- orrow.  Although I don't believe he is correct, I do hope and pray for the return of Christ.  Its all in God's timing, I know, but if it were in my timing, I'd go with sooner rather than later.

But that being said, if enough nutcases predict the end of the world, the chances increase that one of them may accidentally be right.  So, I started out my potentially-last-day-on-earth with style:  I went to see the Pirates of the Caribbean 4 midnight showing.  My life has been enriched for having seen it, so I truly believe I've made my time here worthwhile.

The other things that give me peace in the face of the potential end:  I have loved, lost, learned to heal.  I have "made love without a touch," in the words of a Grammy-winning country band.  I have chased a shooting star and caught it and been burned.  I have hoped and dreamed, I have made a future, lost it, gained it, lost it.  I have cried, I have laughed, I have danced, I have fought.  I have lived a complete life, and if the world ends tomorrow, I'm ready, knowing I've made the world better in some way.  However, if the world doesn't end tomorrow, awesome.  I have more time to accomplish more things.

To my family and friends, I love you, you have enriched my life.  Enrich yours in whatever time you have left by going to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

That is all.

The Flaw in my Argument

"If you find someone for whom you would walk out of any relationship with any other person, you should not be in a relationship with that other person."

The flaw in my thinking can be seen when I break this sentence down into simpler terms.  It basically says, "I can't date you because if my ex comes back to me I would leave you for him and I don't want to risk your heart like that."

Breaking that down even further, "I can't date you because if (a completely unlikely event ever happens), I would leave you for him and I don't want to risk your heart like that."

And further: "I can't date you because if a clown rides up on a purple and green polka dot rhinoceros, I would leave you for him and I don't want to risk your heart like that."

Its worth the risk of loving if the alternative is living in fear of a purple and green polka dot rhinoceros.  And yet, for some reason, Nicholas Sparks' characters actually find that stupid rhinoceros and leave their second love to go back to their first love.  I hate Hollywood.

Journal Entry

I don't know for sure if I'm going to end up publishing this.  I have experienced pain in my life before and I always found some outlet for it.  Sometimes I would quote mopey song lyrics in a cryptic way (silly me, wrote this whole entry out and only just remembered what my previous entry was), so that those who cared could try to decipher it.  But that is an easy way to be misunderstood and so I got bored with that (apparently not).  Other times I would just vent to my friends, but there's only so much you can say before you feel you are repeating yourself.  When I felt there was no where to turn, I would go to my journal; I started it in 1997 and kept it up until a few weeks ago, fourteen years and 4 months.  Granted, in the past couple of years I have written sporadically, sometimes going months without writing.  I've been too busy enjoying life.  My journal ended on a happy note, despite the pain and uncertainty I was feeling at the time, despite the pain and uncertainty that some part of me thought was in store for me in the near future.  I had chosen, that day, to see the silver lining.

Today I see the clouds, and thanks to a dream I had, I see the tornado in my storm.  But I also see a greater good coming from the tornado, even though I don't know what that greater good is yet.

But I can't help but sit here tonight and think about Nicholas Sparks.  I haven't read any of his books but I have seen some of the movies.  Either he is an idiot or Hollywood is, because real relationships don't get made into movies.  Real relationships are gritty, real relationships are boring most of the time and like soap operas 10% of the time and like war the rest of the time.  But there is one thing they highlighted that is important to take note of.  In the movie, The Notebook, the guy and girl are kept apart by a force in the plot (doesn't matter what it is, there has always been a force keeping the lovers apart ever since the ancient Greeks organized theatrical plot lines).  Time passes and they find other people.  Then they find each other again, but things are different now.  There are other commitments, someone is engaged to another person.  And what do you think happens?  The actor who plays Cyclops in X-Men gets left behind by the girl he loves because she loves someone else.  And in the movies, that is okay.  The story is not about him, so we do not see the pain he will feel.

If you find someone for whom you would walk out of any relationship with any other person, you should not be in a relationship with that other person.  But does that necessarily mean you should be with your someone either?  What if the force keeping you apart is just too great to fight?  Should you risk someone else's heart by being with them when you would walk out at any moment if the force is suddenly surmountable again?

And is it wrong sometimes to feel like a martyr?  Is it wrong to say to yourself, "my dreams for myself are not as important as the future happiness of the one I love" and then allow the pain of what you've just given up in your heart to wash over you, day after day?  And is that person, as flawed and unright for you as they are, worth the pain you are feeling?  Obviously, somewhere inside, your heart thinks that person is worth it.  But where does that thought come from?  How does your heart know so assuredly that this person is worth your pain and the years you spend waiting?

How long is too long to wait?

EDIT:  Crap, I just found a flaw in my argument.

Brooke Fraser

My current infatuation, a great song that was passed along by a fellow blogger:

In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

[CHORUS:]
I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE:]
I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart