jujitsu

Last night at jujitsu, we spent the whole two hours on groundwork and grappling (yay!). Scott was our teacher, and I learned soo much.

One thing that Scott said yesterday can be applied to a lot of things. When you're grappling, its all a matter of who's on top. You may physically be on the bottom of a move like shiho gatame (smothering someone using your stomach) but because of what you do, you can, in a sense, redefine where the top and bottom lay. So your back may be horizontal, on the floor, and your attacker may be on top of you. But a slight shift in your arms or torso, or just relaxing, will change where top is. So top is no longer on the y-axis.

And I guess... you can apply that to a lot of things. I think I'm going to apply it to my midterm paper in my monsters class. But you can put it anywhere. When you feel like life is "clobbering you" as Andrew so vividly phrased it, you have to try and find the one thing, the one position that will change where top is. Cause it stinks a lot when life comes out on top. And when it stinks, sure you can cry about it if you want. But after a decent cry, shift positions. You don't have to move your opponent off of you. You just have to move where top is. And that's so much easier than moving the full 180 pounds of muscle that might be pinning you to the ground.

Wow... ok so I'm talking to myself. I didn't expect that to come out. That was fascinating. Ok back to my homework.

break time

I'm taking a break from writing my script, even though I really shouldn't. The reason being... for one thing I need a break. But for another thing... I had a sort of epiphany.

While trying to condense 3 years of Jesus' ministry into a play, I came across this verse: "you are the salt of the earth. but if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? it is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men."

I've always just taken that verse to mean that we should have an influence on people, otherwise why are we here? And also that... our saltiness should be something that adds flavor to life for other people... that we are what makes life interesting and worth living. But I started thinking- is it actually possible for salt to lose its saltiness? I mean, salt has a specific chemical makeup... if anything changes won't it not be salt? it can't just be salt and not salty.

Luckily, I know a bunch of Really Smart People, who live on the Engineering campus. And one of my RSP friends minored in chemistry. And here's a bit of what he said:

Puhasol: salt refers to any of many ionic compounds
Puhasol: some of which may not actually taste salty
Puhasol: i haven't tasted them
Puhasol: so i couldn't tell you
Me: oh... but...
Me: back then... would those ionic compounds have been available to the jews? would it be possible for salty salt to break down into non-salty salt, just by sitting in a jar?
Puhasol: oh no
Puhasol: NaCl will be NaCl in a jar for eternity
Puhasol: unless you put some other thing in there
Me: so... lets say Jesus has NaCl in a jar that everyone uses for cooking. its nice and salty. can your "some other thing" be floating around an ancient Jewish kitchen and accidentally fall into the jar of NaCl, thereby rendering it unsalty?
Puhasol: i forgot my ionic affinities
Puhasol: i used to have them memorized in order
Me: ok... well i guess its not really that important... i guess its more important to understand the concept of what jesus was talking about... but not knowing anything about chemistry i figured i'd ask
Puhasol: basically something that likes Cl better or Na better has to come around and pull them apart

And that got me to thinking... I know I used to fit the description of "salt of the earth," at least in terms of... setting an example for people, and being there for others, particularly other kids in my youth group. But what about now? Have I lost my saltiness? What would it take to make me unsalty? Something would have to come along and identify with one part of me, but not with another. So lets just say for kicks and giggles that the sodium is God in my life. And then the chlorine in me would have to say I like that something better than I like the sodium, and the two would be pulled apart, and then bang... I'm not salty anymore.

Hmm... I think thats more educational than my brain can handle right now. I'm only a theater major after all. But seriously... what would it take to change my spiritual chemical makeup? Am I salty? I have no idea. And if I'm not, I have no idea when I changed.

jujitsu, massage, and scary things

This is mostly a jujitsu post. I went to the kids' class today. The kids tested for the next rank tonight, so I got to lead some of the students in a sort of larger role. Which was cool... and stressful. I hate getting things done within a certain amount of time. But it was a lot of fun. And Leah and Matt were promoted to orange and yellow belts, respectively. That was cool.

Then we went downstairs for the intermediate jujitsu class. Barb began the class with the announcement that today was the funeral for Butterfly Bob, the sensei from the dojo in Manhattan. Just like when Darlene died, Barb said something really profound. It was kind of an echo of that. With Darlene, Barb compared death to the ultimate sutemi, the ultimate giving in and allowing yourself to be promoted to the next level. With Bob, she mentioned something about judo. In a judo competition, if you throw all of your being into a throw and your opponent could not have hit the mat harder, the judge raises one arm and shouts, "ippon." I don't know much about judo. But that's a good thing for the competitor who does it. And so, Bob's wife at the funeral service had every martial artist do that, as a way of recognizing that he lived and died giving everything he had. So Barb had us do the same and have a moment of silence for him. It was... really interesting. Barb... sometimes exudes the presence of God. And today... I had this mental image of God as a mist... kind of trickling around the room, touching each person.

Afterwards, Barb asked Steve to finish the back massage he started... and then she came and cracked my back. I feel SOOO much better now. But I wasn't perfect yet, so Cara gave me another massage with tiger balm, and that was when I had the second interesting thing of the night happen. I had a sort of epiphany... but not really. I kept letting my mind wander so I wouldn't think about the pain of the knots in my back. And it kept wandering to the wrong things, things that would make me tense up. With Steve, he would catch me doing it, and give me a little shake, and say, "Relax." And I would. With Cara, the first time I tensed up, she sort of did the same thing, but her attitude about it was completely different. She was extremely gentle, and yet, assertive. Barb said once that jujitsu has no genders on the mat. Gentleness, which is traditionally a feminine trait, is required of every jujitsuka, and that assertion or... go-for-it-ness... is a traditionally masculine trait that is also required. There are other traits too, but those are the ones she mentioned. And today when Cara told me to relax, it was one of the first times I noticed both qualities at the same time in someone. Even the other black belts... often its one following the other... but I've never noticed the two occur simultaneously. Perhaps I wasn't looking for it, until today. When Cara said relax, it was in a way that said, "there's no possible way you are going to resist relaxation." But it wasn't a forceful statement... I can't explain it really, except possibly by bringing up another something that Barb taught once.

She said that when we do a technique, it needs to be with a soft mind. If you do it with a hard mind, your opponent will sense it and resist. If you use a soft mind, they won't know what's coming at them, and won't resist, so its like you're forcing them without using force. So... all that to explain what I felt was bundled up into just one word from Cara: "relax."

And really... I relaxed so much that she was able to take the knot, move it around on my back to where she needed it to go, and eventually make it go away completely.

And after that... I risked undoing it by watching "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" with some friends. I didn't undo the massage though, because I didn't watch most of the movie. Most of it was spent with my face buried in Steve's armpit. I'm not good with scary movies. Anyway... in a weird way, it was educational... from a spiritual point of view. I don't want to change my perspective on the night, because I learned a lot in other areas too, and horror is not exactly my favorite educational tool. But... yeah. Anyway. Perhaps if I need to I'll write more on the subject later.

For now, I need to shower and sleep. Goodnight.

post #2

She crawled into the bed. Another night. What would this one bring? She put her head near his shoulder and took his hand. She wasn't tired, but they had to sleep. There was stuff to do in the morning. He turned over on his side, his arm bringing hers with it, around his waist, and she snuggled up against his back, just like always. But tonight, his back was a wall. She wondered what was going on, on the other side of that wall.

He lay there as she crawled into the bed next to him. He thought about kissing her, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. If she knew what he held inside. If she knew what he couldn't tell her, she wouldn't want to kiss him. She wouldn't want to be there. She would walk home alone at that hour and refuse his offer of driving her.

She lay there, hugging a wall, wondering why it was so solid and yet everything was crumbling around her. She didn't know what was happening, but she could feel the severing of the connection. She had to act before it was too late. She leaned forward and kissed his shoulder blade. It was the only thing she could think to do. She knew it wouldn't do anything to save them. But it happened on some primal instinct. She knew that she HAD to do it.

And now its been several months since she has seen his face. And she still thinks about the last time that she kissed him. She wonders if he was awake when it happened. She wonders if he knew.

post #1

I just talked to my mom. She's getting along with K, all of a sudden. Another arrow in my heart, telling me my past was screwed up, despite being perfect.

this weekend and beyond

I went home this weekend. G came to church on Sunday and it was interesting. I was hit by a wave of nostalgia again. Part of me doesn't want to go there anymore. Not because it hurts, but because it doesn't hurt and I somehow feel like it should. Like I shouldn't have moved on. I got to see someone (several someone's) who may or may not be related to me. It was a strange feeling, because it has extended into another generation. I guess that's it... I'm just feeling old. I know I'm not... but I feel it. Perhaps this is enhanced by the fact that I have a huge pain in my back from some unknown injury that I can't remember getting.

And then also... things have been happening that make me think...

I played Hamlet today in my Basic Theater Texts class. It was interesting. It made me think. Hamlet's a thinker. The monologue I did was about action. How Hamlet sees other people doing things, achieving the goals they want, chasing after the dreams they have, and wonders why he can't do that also, when he does have the strength and will and power to do it.

So that's what I was thinking. I have the strength and power and will to do two things. And one... I think is just fear holding me back. The other, like Hamlet's quest for vengeance on his uncle, is a little less defined. I have to be sure I want it first. I have to be sure the ghost is telling the truth. And I have to be sure that I'm not hung up on... the past.

Well... that was obscure. I think I'm going to start writing in my private journal again. I'm closing off... not on purpose. Maybe that's just how my life goes through different stages.

thinking

Spring is coming
And even though it snowed this morning
Spring is in the air
And the back of my mind.

The attic is full of dust and cobwebs and she wanders up the stairs. The sun filters in through the single dusty window, lighting up the sparkly dust in the air. Its a place long forgotten, a place of happy comfort. There's an old braided rug on the wooden floor, and a toy dinosaur lying on his side, long killed by some meteor or GI Joe. A box of doll clothes in the corner. She sinks onto the rug and turns her attention to a bookshelf. Rilla and Ken look wistfully from the cover of a book, and Hamlet beholds his father's ghost. The playmates she once knew wander through the dust of that attic, leaving footprints despite being ghosts.

What's that? Footfalls on the stairs? Two sets of eyes peer between the railing and a hand comes up, tossing a tiny seashell across the floor towards her. That is her memento of them, and as abruptly as they came, they leave. Another footfall sounds, and she realizes she's not alone. Yet another seashell. This time it is accompanied by a sprig of mountain laurel. Long dried, its flowers are dull and brown. He waves, she waves back, and watches as slowly, the brown flowers fade to tiny white goblets, and the leaves uncurl to their glossy green. Happy spring is here. In full bloom, right in the attic. Ghostly sparrows chirp and cross her trail, she sees a sight of camoflage pants, and ragged holes, and mint chocolate chip ice cream. The dusty attic smell can stay because it so closely resembles the mulch of spring, the squish of mud, the caked and dirty boots. The things and sights and smells so precious to her heart. Slowly the vision fades. The mulch begins to rot and the sights and sounds once precious are torn away by the passage of time.

Time brings adventure, and exploration of new lands, and freedom. She revels in the welcome breeze of a new place, and new sights and sounds. The breeze and warm heavy rain are almost enough to wash the pain from her heart at what she left behind. Faces dance before her in the misty afternoon sunlight filtering into the attic. Just as quickly, they too fade away.

Spring comes again, with a guitar and a dress and little clear marble. Sun shines brightly in the puddle at her feet, nearly blinding her. Happy times are once more before her, only to be taken away once more. Why does spring bring such emotion for her?

Again she departs for an adventure, explores new lands and freedoms. This time she notices the changes it brings to her. To who she really is. To her beliefs. The changes wrought in her bring contentment, yet intense pain to her heart.

There is a point between fall and winter where life seems to be utterly meaningless and useless. This is the opposite of spring, and she did her best to remain there. She didn't want to be reminded of the happy times that came before her departure. She didn't want to be reminded that life is not so simple as it once was.

She could stay in the land of the dead and hide from life for as long as she wanted. But life was determined to find her, in one form or another. She would not take the joys she'd once known, but there were others that would hunt her down. The sun began to fade, as she'd spent the entire day in that attic. The dust was no longer illuminated, and the walls faded to a metallic black. The creaky floorboards caught her attention, because they sounded suddenly different. The wind outside became a soft, clean whirring sound. Another footfall, this time she runs to the banister to look down. Yet another seashell... this one is made of glass. It has a soft brown color, which she thinks is so fitting. Happiness and light forces its way in, with sunshine and dragons and pretty ladies and flowers and doublets. She looks around the room. Luggage. A plane ticket. Change is coming again. The wind outside grows louder and a girl's voice calls out in another language. Where are you? And the window shatters in the wind, blowing the dust around her until the images of her past vanish.

The wind gets colder and she begins to shiver. A dim light begins to glow around her, and she feels the warmth radiating through her... not of happiness but the promise of healing. More voices, but she can't see them. She's confused and no longer knows which way to go to find more memories. She wonders if she should begin to clean the attic, but decides she likes it the way it is. Things long gone can be relived here. But things that aren't long gone cannot visit while she's here. She wishes there was a way to relive her memories and still live her life.

She sighs... spring is coming again. Is that good or bad?

la

Haven't posted in a while.

Valentine's day just happens to be also Steve's birthday. So Anissa and I made dinner for him... kind of a last minute thing. Otherwise maybe we'd invite more people. But it was a good happy memorable dinner. I really enjoyed myself, and Anissa and I had so much fun planning it. I think it was the most fun I've had planning either a birthday or a Valentine's day in quite a while. Andrew's birthday gift in August was fun. But other than that, a while means like, years.

I haven't posted much lately, cause I'm not doing so hot in some areas of my life. And I don't really feel like writing about them. That and I'm swamped with work right now. I have to read 159 pages of Frankenstein before 9:50 am. That's 5 hours. Ick. Not gonna happen.

Anyway... I'm just writing cause...

Andrew made my day today (Wednesday). Whether he meant to do this or not, something he did really touched my heart. And that's all.

my evening...

So, I went home for, well, something I don't really want to talk about... all I can sarcastically say is... no pressure.

But that was yesterday (Friday) and this is today. And I accompanied Doug to his friend's wedding. It was cool. Non-traditional and cool. I had a good time, its fun being dressed up once in a while, and... its not something I would do every Saturday night, so it was good to do something out of the norm.

Weddings always make me think about my wedding. When I actually get to that part of my life. I think I probably wrote this for the last wedding that I went to, so I won't really go into too much detail. Gee... the last wedding I went to must have been Dave and Jen's. That was a long time ago. Feels like it anyway. I was still on speaking terms with... mmm... back to tonight.

Where was I? Non-traditional... gorgeous pink sequiny dress. No attendants. That's where I was going with this. I was thinking about my wedding. Is this possible: modern traditional? Like... I want a traditional wedding... white dress, bouquet and garter toss, toast by the best man, father-daughter dance... etc. But at the same time, I want to do other, non-traditional things. The bridal party, for example. Why are they always women? Some of my closest friends are guys. I would feel horrible leaving them out, 'cause traditionally, the bride picks the bridesmaids/MoH, and the groom picks the groomsmen/best man. So... little things like that, I'd switch up a bit. So, I'd give the illusion of it being a totally traditional wedding, but then add little quirks. 'Cause I think sometimes that is sorta how my personality is. And... I have a feeling that the groom at my wedding might be the same way.

Or... haha. Building off Doug's idea. The wedding march, nice, traditional song. Play it in polyphonic ringtones.

Nahh...

Anyway. Rewind a bit back to tonight. The cocktail hour was fun. I can't remember the names of the people I met. But in the course of that hour, Rutgers, jujitsu, judo, and theater/Mason Gross came up a couple times. It was cool bashing Mason Gross... I mean. Did I say that?

The reception was good too. I liked the center pieces. I realized at the end they were gardenias, my mom's favorite flower. The only way I knew though, is that my nose cleared up towards the end (I'm allergic to mom's guinea pig so I was stuffy) and I could smell the gardenias. They looked like rose/orchid things. So I couldn't tell till I smelled them.

Anyway, big thank you to Doug for inviting me. It was good.

Now I have to go work on a top secret project for Tuesday. Goodnight everyone!

a rare event

Its not every day I will tell you all exactly what I'm thinking. But I'm feeling generous, so here's a running mental commentary on today's events.

Wake up.

What time is it? My alarm didn't go off, AGAIN.

Check the time and the alarm.

Its set properly. What the heck. Maybe its time to get a new clock. This one has strange memories associated with it anyway.

Walk to the kitchen.

Hi Molly. No, go away Molly. Oh, Sam's here. Huh. Wonder if I'll ever eat anything besides cereal for breakfast on a school day.

Go back to my room. Brit wrote to me about the Gospels.

Ehh... Gonna be late for class. Get off of me Molly.

Run to the bus. Get to my 9:50 class. The teacher from the lecture before is still talking. I sit down to wait for that class to end. A woman walks past on the linoleum floor in stilletto heels. TAP TAP TAP...

Oh, COME ON... Godzilla has a louder entrance than that. You can do better, go back to the doorway and start over again. Don't give me that look. You're just jealous of my NIKES!!

Another woman enters, quieter heels though. She goes upstairs. She has a really cheerful voice. I know because I could hear her all the way down the hall and down the staircase. "HI Iris, how are you doing??!" Iris is even more cheerful. "I'm GREAT!! How about you?"

Why the heck is everyone so cheerful today? Why won't this professor shut up? He sounds like a bumble bee, just droning on and on... Gee the class is running really late. What time is it? WHAT? 8:30?? How can it be 8:30 if I set my alarm for 8:50?

It sinks in.

WHY HAVE I SUDDENLY FORGOTTEN HOW TO READ A DIGITAL CLOCK???

Yeah so that's my day so far. I'm going to sleep. Because I lost an hour of sleep in the mix somehow.

as if I haven't posted enough

There's an article about the 10 worst Valentine's Day gifts to give someone.

I disagree with the first one. Flowers totally depend on the person. Example, I'd be thrilled if my boyfriend gave me red roses. More thrilled if they were orange or yellow roses. But roses are good. Tulips are bad. So are daffodils. But other people might love tulips. So there's really no way of knowing if that is a bad gift.

And lol... this part made me laugh: "Do the math: Out of every box of 15 assorted chocolates, a woman will probably have three or so favorites. And there’s all that crazy, frou-frou wrapping as part of the picture—enough satin and ribbon to fashion a child’s princess-bride Halloween costume. So what would you rather get? Three chocolates you want and 21 you don't—along with a lot of excess red metallic cardboard? Or a small box of something you actually like?"

Anyway... my two cents. I'm not giving or receiving Valentine's gifts that day, but some of you are, so I thought I'd pass along that little nugget of wisdom. No chocolates. Chocolates bad. (Honestly, the author is a WOMAN, how can she possibly say not to give chocolate on Valentine's Day??)

Whatever.

wow

So, God is cool.

I'm writing a script for an easter play... and I've been stressing about it. And avoiding it.

And while that may be a bad thing, the good that came from it was that I spent more time reading the gospels and comparing the stories about Jesus life and death. And I wouldn't have spent that time if I weren't writing the script so slowly.

And if I hadn't spent that time reading, I never would have noticed this one tiny little verse. In the 6 years I spent at a Christian school, and then spending all this time at church and stuff... I am amazed I never noticed this one part of the Easter story before.

Matthew 27:50 - 53 And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

I've read the gospels, but I've never analyzed them, and never from a theatrical perspective. But... that's fascinating. Just think what would have happened if The Passion of the Christ had been made by someone other than Mel Gibson. Peter Jackson. Or Steven Spielburg. It would give the story a completely different look.

And... it made me learn a little more about the gospels. They also tell the same story... but from different perpectives. So, I never knew what to say to people who tell me I shouldn't believe the Bible because the gospels all contradict themselves. But now, I know. Picture Mel Gibson, Mel Brooks, Steven Spielburg, and Roberto Benigni all telling the same story. Its like that. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are telling the same story.

So... cool. I kinda learned something today.

On a separate note... I used to have writer's callouses on my middle finger, from holding a pen. Sadly, these are gone. The callouses are now on my wrists from resting in front of the keyboard. EEP!

Senioritis

Senioritis is an actual, physical ailment. I had no idea it could be this acute, and I didn't realize it was possible to say, "I suffer from senioritis." I now understand so much more about a certain part of my past that I never understood before.

On another note... I never sent that email. But I did send a different one. And Anissa was right. There's a certain little element of hope involved in it somehow, hope that maybe something will happen. Even when that hope is least intended, its there. I don't regret sending it. I regret needing to.

monsters

I'm taking a comparative literature class about monsters. Basically we read stuff and then discuss what makes a monster, people's perceptions of monsters, etc.

Today we watched Nosferatu, based on Bram Stoker's Dracula. Its a silent film, the only dialogue being written on the screen in still frames. Made me think of something I read once:

Head Photographer: The lead actress wants you to know she doesn't like her lines.
Director: I don't care! This is a silent film! She's gonna say those lines!

Anyway... random bits of not-humor.

From an acting perspective, it was very interesting. Melodramatic. Makes me wish the theater department would make us watch stuff like that so that we know what they're talking about when it comes to the history of theater.

The subject matter brought me back to... sophomore year? When Kevin took that seminar on Dracula and I proofread his 30 page paper. Fascinating.

The effect the movie had on me was interesting. It reminded me of the samurai class I took last year. In the samurai class, there was an old black and white movie that we watched... that had very little blood and guts, but some how made me almost lose my lunch. I think filmmakers were better back then. This movie today too... if I had watched it late at night with Anissa/Steve/Sam/Andrew/James/anyone else, I'd probably have my face buried in someone's armpit. I couldn't finish watching War of the Worlds, because I'm not good with horror/scary films. Nosferatu is so much creepier, yet it was filmed in such a way that the viewer is sort of roped in. You can't leave, you MUST watch it to the end. War of the Worlds is so flashy I think, with fancy mechanics and what-not, that the rope-you-in element is lost, and I was given the opportunity to leave before the end and took it. Nosferatu is a horror movie in that it really controls you and keeps you in your seat.

Which makes me think of something that's been simmering in my mind lately. On Thursday, Barb had us doing jujitsu stuff blindfolded. Stimes, throws, hand techniques, grappling. It was really interesting. I somehow felt more focused when the element of sight was taken away. I think sometimes using all my senses at once can be decieving. So taking sight away, focuses me more on just sound and touch. It would be difficult to do this, but I'd be interesting in finding out how jujitsu works without some of the other senses. Like maybe have my eyesight, but lose the sense of sound. Or seeing and hearing myself do the art, without feeling my body. That would be the hardest to figure out how to simulate that.

But anyway... this all ties into Nosferatu because it is, in a sense, the same principle. You take away the elements of sound effects, spoken dialogue, and even color, and the remaining parts of the film become so much more meaningful. You focus more on other things, and you see what is really important in the making of a riveting film. I sort of get this from jujitsu, but its about the least effort possible. If you can make a riveting film without using sound, digital enhancement, fancy flashy explosions, etc... then you shouldn't. Because all that is just excess trappings and hodgepodge.

Just like how in some cases, being able to see what you're doing in jujitsu can be excess trappings and hodgepodge. Of course, not in all cases. But for me... there are some things that I now would prefer to do without relying so heavily on eyesight.

I wonder what else that applies to in life? Hmmm... several things come to mind.

Thanks for following my random thoughts going all over the place.

Dear...

You owe me an explanation. Everywhere I go, I see you. You follow me like a shadow and watch me like a hawk. You weasel your way into my thoughts and then you have the nerve to find me in my dreams. You must really have a crush on me. I don't blame you but... sometimes I think you are taking things too far.

Thank you.
~M

If you don't get it, then you need to hang out with me on Saturday. We're gonna watch the movie.

politics?

This is, surprisingly, a political post. I don't normally write political posts because, frankly, I don't like conflict. And I don't like having two friends who would tear each other (or me) apart for saying something they don't like. But this has been kind of simmering at the back of my mind for some time now.

Politicians are stupid. Politics are stupid. The ideal, perfect form of government is a monarchy because its people could have complete trust in a leader and not have to make any decisions. The reason people should not be allowed to make decisions is that they, like the politicians, are stupid. Take for example the guy sitting next to me in the computer lab. His computer card says he should be sitting at computer 431. However, because he was allowed to make a decision, he went to computer 141, thus taking the computer on my card, and trying to hide the fact that he's doing it by putting his card in backwards. Because of that, I am sitting at 142. When the person with the 142 card came up, they left their card next to me in hopes I would notice my supposed mistake, but I was so absorbed in being annoyed at the other guy that I didn't notice until they had left. So now I have two cards. But when you really think about it, all three of us were stupid. Things would have been so much better if one person had made the decision for us: "You need to tell her she's at the wrong computer, YOU need to tell HIM he's at the wrong computer, and he's just an idiot." Unfortunately, earth has no perfect monarchy because leaders corrupt themselves. Continuing along my current analogy, the monarch of the computer lab probably would not have solved the problem, but instead would have done something like this: "HAHAHA You're all idiots! I'm taking all three of your computers. In fact I'm taking all 400 computers, and I'm going to use them to get RICH!" Which is why I'm still ok living in America. It is in a sense the next best thing.

However, a representative republic such as this one is also a scary thing. Instead of allowing one corrupt leader to rule, we are allowing the entire nation to be evil rulers together. This is because I believe humankind is naturally evil. To be good, one must work for it. Otherwise being good would not be such a praiseworthy thing.

So... I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Its more just a general rant against politics. I'm not promoting any particular party in this blog entry because right now, they're all stupid in my mind.

Hmm... that was a weird mindset I woke up in. Perhaps it has to do with falling asleep reading French philosophy on the existance of monsters.

Anyway... back to your regularly scheduled randomness. I have a papercut. That is all.

I forgot

I forgot to mention the butterfly.

In that massage class, there's one other thing that the teacher had us do... to help the person receiving the massage, we do gentle stretches of their arms, legs, and back. To help them relax, we first relax ourselves, and then comes the butterfly.

Put the thumb of your left hand lightly on their forehead, on the "third eye." Put the thumb of your right hand on top of your left thumb. Then let your fingers drape down the sides of their head, slightly over the temples. Hold this for 15-30 seconds, I can't remember the exact number that she said. I'll have to ask her. Then remove your hands in the opposite order, so, lift your fingers, then remove your thumbs.

As the person giving the massage, you are supposed to imagine your fingers are a butterfly lightly landing on a fragile flower. When I was the person receiving the massage, it was amazing. I was lying in my secret place with the sun shining down on my face, and I can't tell you where exactly it was or it wouldn't be a secret, but I will tell you it was a grassy meadow of sorts. And all of a sudden, the biggest butterfly I have ever seen came dancing over and landed on my forehead. I remembered being 6 years old and chasing butterflies, wishing they would just ONCE sit still long enough so I could get a decent look at them. I didn't chase to catch, I only wanted to get close. But this one gave me the honor of sitting right there on my forehead, and I couldn't help but smile. It was incredible.

The other thing I wanted to write about is not quite as happy as what I just wrote, but its nothing to worry about. I was sitting at Anissa's reading my Ancient Near East history book, and I read something about violence. And then my mind started to wander so I started thinking about the violence in New Brunswick, which led to what if I'm attacked, which led to grappling with an attacker, which led to grappling with dojo members on jujitsu nights, which led to freestyle and the competition in CA, which led to the fact that there's no division for my rank which means I have to compete against people who outrank me, which led to testing for the next rank, and then all of a sudden I got really nervous about testing. And suddenly I had somehow read a whole page in my history book without comprehending it, and the nervousness went away. It was weird. The first time you test for a rank, its ok to be nervous cause you don't know what's coming. But now, I know what to expect for gokyu, and I know that I know my stuff, so there's no reason to be nervous. Maybe it was just remnants of nervousness that I buried way down deep from last year. I dunno. It was odd. Its gone now though.

"To me it felt like a sense of abandon, a kind of falling. It was not 'wild' but it was total."
~Cyrus

In one sense, I am learning every day how to feel like this. In a completely different sense, I mastered it once. And it was one of the best moments in my life. Which is more motivation to relearn it.

What gets me though... is why I unlearned it in the first place.

cold

So... the heater in my room hasn't been warm in 12 days. Our thermostat is in the living room which stays warm. So the system thinks every room in the house is warm. But my room has 6 windows. Thank God my mom gave me a down blanket for Christmas.

I mentioned that I was going to write about the massage class.

The teacher began by explaining to us about our bodies. It was really interesting. She said all the water and cells flowing through your body rub against each other to create elecricity. So there's basically an electrical field around your body. A lot of religious groups or cultures will refer to it as chi, an aura, or an Indian word I can't pronounce. But they make something mystical out of it when really, the way she described it, it took all the mysticism away and was very straight-forward, and physical.

Then she had us reach out and touch it. We spread our hands about shoulder length away from each other and slowly move them closer, eyes closed. At some point, the electrical fields overlap and you feel a change in pressure, heat, magnetism... whatever. People had different ways of describing it.

It was really eye-opening. I mean, I've felt spirits before, of people, demons, angels, and God. But it was on a spiritual level. When I put my hands together today, I felt like I was touching my spirit with my physical hands. Like I was crossing some sort of boundary.

Then she talked about how a massage therapist needs to be centered and relaxed in order to help their patient be centered and relaxed. So she taught us how to center ourselves and I think I needed that a lot. It would be very helpful for the days when I'm not all there in jujitsu and need to focus but can't.

Basically, its the same concept as something we do as a theater exercise, but with a different goal in mind, because obviously, theater has a different purpose than massage. But she told us to imagine a place where we are happy and content, with a warm radiating light above our heads, and go to that place whenever we need to center ourselves.

I went to a secret place from my high school years, some of the happiest years of my life. The sun was shining, filtering through tree leaves so it sparkled on my eyelids. And it was in the warmth of late spring. And my body was whole, healthy, pre-jujitsu injuries, during the time when I danced and ran track and walked horses for exercise. And no one was with me. No one could follow me, no one knew where I was. What's more... certain people did not exist. The past was not the past yet. There was no pain in my heart. So now... I can't wait for spring to come. So I can go home, and go on a sort of pilgrimage. I want to be there for real. I want to go visit that place, 'cause I miss it.

But anyway... bottom line is... that's what the teacher had us do... a mental exercise to get us focused. And I think from now on, when I'm struggling in jujitsu, I'm gonna try going there. I wanna see what happens when I do jujitsu in that place. Perhaps I'll go there so often that I won't have to work to get there anymore.

It will be interesting to see what develops from this.

Ok that's all. Beginner jujitsu class was today too. That was fun. But it was just practice for me today. It'll be good to go back to the basics to make sure I'm strong in all that stuff. Cool.

Goodnight.