phone call, no tears after

Swallow that lump in your throat. Its not as bad as you think.

Just sit here now and wonder why something is fine but might not be.

Is the answer eternal?

sigh... politically incorrect?

Just because you don't agree with X doesn't mean that every scientific study done by the X group is inherently flawed and not true evidence of science. It could be that the X people study X because they are the only ones who really take an interest in the subject. Maybe they are finding stuff no one else would because they are the only ones who care. Yep, its true a lot of people skew scientific studies to fit their agenda. But that doesn't mean 100% of them do.

I didn't answer you, not because I was acknowledging you are correct but because I don't like to disagree with you because you are so close to my heart. I guess in this we have to agree to disagree. Or else you move to New Brunswick and make friends with some X people. Find out whether or not every single one of them would consciously skew a scientific study to fit their purposes.

Ode to the past... and a complaint

First the bad stuff. It better hurry up and rain already. My joints are KILLING me.

Ok now. I'm nostalgic. Its almost 3 am and I'm on aim, and things are just like they used to be. I know that when I go to bed and wake up again, they'll be different, but for right now, I'm just going to sit and wonder why this isn't hurting like it used to, and why this is even happening. And I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

heaven

It is so wonderful. How can the memory of something so wonderful also bring so much pain? How can it be two opposites at the same time?

One lucky guinea pig

Last summer, mom brought Lilly to Cape Cod... just so she would have SOMETHING to do while my dad and brother are sitting around bored. Lilly was running around on the deck, which was ok because she's afraid of stairs so she won't go exploring off the deck. Mom brought her in for the night, and the next morning, something big had knocked over some chairs looking for Lilly. I guess her scent was all over the place. They think it was a coyote.

A few weeks ago, mom let her run around in the grass while mom was sorta hands-and-knees gardening. She suddenly noticed two hawks circling overhead. Wonder what they're looking for. Oh right, small rodents that look like they might be dead. Oh gee maybe I should bring Lilly inside, since she doesn't really exercise, she just kind of blobs there.

I swear that animal is going to survive everything exciting and then suffocate on the fat surrounding her neck.

An edit that bears mentioning

Addendum (not to imply anything whatsoever about the person with whom I had the following conversation)

bookguydc: so, you are absolutely, completely unemployed at the moment, eh?
bookguydc: You're not "chipping", are you?
bookguydc: lol
arwenundomiel9: chipping?
bookguydc: lol - 'chipping' is the term the college students use here when they raid the Dumpster at the local grocery store
bookguydc: for the close-to-expiring but unopened chips and stuff
arwenundomiel9: aww lol... nope here, they're supposed to donate that stuff to food banks
bookguydc: I guess the stores toss the unopened bags of chips and bread into the bins and the college students have a hey-day
bookguydc: lol - one of them called me and asked if I needed any bread
bookguydc: I was like, "uh, why?"
bookguydc: "Because, we went on a chipping raid and have 8 loaves!"
bookguydc: lol
arwenundomiel9: haha

Yay Michigan! :-)

mirror mirror on the wall

So... this also will be enigmatic. Someone once taught me an exercise on how to reach into people's lives. How to open doors and make contact with another human being. It was something like this: "When I look at you I see..." and then say the first thing that comes to your mind. Whether its a song, or a picture, or something else. Its a great conversation starter. A friend of mine used it. She said to this girl, "When I look at you I see bright colorful flowers" and explained herself, that she felt like the colors were artistic talents and that the girl liked a broad array of things. Her eyes opened wider and she said, Yeah, that's me exactly. And from there the conversation went far and wide into art and talent, where before there had been no conversation at this dinner table.

So I'm going to give it a try. When I look at you... I see me. I see a mirror. And it startles me, and intrigues me. You are going through the same thing I am going through right now. You feel the same way about it, and you are annoyed by the same types of people. I give you advice people have given me and I realize that you are receiving the same advice because you are a mirror. You have the same types of feelings and reactions to things. When I am talking to you, I am talking to myself. You move like me, you exude what I exude. The difference is, we are separated by glass. Permanent, yet so thin. So easily shattered. But I am afraid its permanence wins out. I am afraid the glass will never break, and you will never be free. I can never really embrace you because of this glass. I can only embrace the glass.

There how's that for opening up and still being enigmatic. Breaking a mirror is 7 years of bad luck you know.

torn

I am thinking about breaking that vow of silence. Not because I need it. But because someone else might need me to open up so that they do not go down the same road I once took. The dilemma is that this person does not communicate well with me but might read my blog if I mentioned it to them. So I'm torn about when and where and if I should open up to this person.

I'm scared for them really. They are very much like me. And I care about them a lot. And they are in a similar postition that I was in some years ago. I can see them getting very very hurt. I think they would take my advice if I gave it. But getting to the point where its ok to give it is difficult. I was there. I hope they do not feel the same pain I felt. I would not wish it on anyone. At the same time, looking back... yep it hurt. But I healed. The human spirit is resilient. Its amazing. Doesn't mean I should stop trying to protect someone from pain though.

In other news, I helped James plant a garden today. It looks really nice. Flower gardens are cool, but there's something special about planting a garden that you know will produce a harvest. It makes me want to do stuff in my backyard.

And there's a restaurant on Milltown Road that is really good. They serve pigeon. I didn't try that though. Ask me about it, I'll tell you the full details. Go there soon because the owners are thinking of selling.

So ok. I semi opened up. No details for you. And only the surface of what I'm feeling. But its something. Feel special.

Extreme Courage

I never knew what a courageous man Billy Joel is... or his songwriter.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

Continuing a song/poem I wrote years ago

The little girl sits in her window seat
Trying to dry her eyes.
She doesn't know how long she'll be
Staring up at the sky.

Surrounded by those old teddy bears
She looks again down the lane.
She doesn't know how long she's been there
But nothing much has changed.

Chorus: Where is it? Where is he?
Why is she still there in the night?
Who cares why she is there?
When will someone notice her plight?

A hand to her face and she grabs a tear
Threatening to fall.
A fairy tale brings a gripping fear
That nothing's there at all.

And like Mr. Bear, time fades her dream
Of that long lost myth.
Yet again the bear smothers her scream
and he hears another wish.

Chorus

"Why does life have to be so hard?"
But Teddy holds his gaze.
"And how on earth did I make it this far,
And why did it happen this way?"

She gazes off to the Eastern sky,
and dawn will be here soon.
She takes a deep breathe and she wipes her eyes,
and maybe he'll be here soon.

Today

I went to Rick's graduation party today. We've known each other since like forever. He's now "Ric Kinon, BFA." It was a good party. I'm starting to like this keeping my secrets experiment.

If you wanna see his artwork, go to www.starkravingkalm.com. I haven't seen it yet, so if there's something bad there, sorry.

This is not me "opening up," after that last post. This is me stating stuff I've found. You can puzzle it out if you really want to. But don't ask me cause I'm not gonna open up right now.

A graduation ceremony is a cultural tradition termed as a rite of passage. What’s that? It is a ritual or ceremony that marks one stage of a person’s life into another. Marriage is the most commonly known and observed today. “Rite of passage” was termed by anthropologist Arnold van Gennep in 1909 who believed that passage rituals had 3 steps: 1) separation from society 2) inculcation-transformation 3) return to society in the new status.

Here's the other thing:

"They say there's a poem at the temple that is carved in stone. Its title is 'Loss' and it consists of only three words. But no one can read them because the poet scratched them out. No one can read 'Loss,' it can only be felt." ~Memoirs of a Geisha

and then there's something else that pulled my heart strings for reasons you can puzzle out on your own. Because: Puhasol: growing up is hard to do

arwenundomiel9: lately... i've been wanting to go somewhere... anywhere but here. but someone told me once not to run from anything. if i'm going to run, i should run towards something... i just haven't figured that something out yet
Puhasol: run towards cyrus :-)
Puhasol: that gives you the whole country
Puhasol: except hawaii
Puhasol: unless you flew east
Puhasol: to get to cyrus
arwenundomiel9: haha... then i'd have the whole world except america
Puhasol: well you'd have alaska and hawaii then

France

So...

I'm sure you have all been reading and have seen that I'm not exactly going through the best of times lately. Actually kinda since the beginning of the year. Or before that. Things have definitely been harder than they are now. And as I told Sam today when he asked how I'm doing, "I have lived a better life." The answer he gave me was, "You are living a good life." Which I'm grateful for. I needed someone to point me towards the positive.

But I wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have listened to me vent, or have allowed me to confide in you. You are amazing and wonderful friends. Not everyone is that blessed that they have people like all of you to be there for them, to let them know that they are loved and cared for and protected even.

I love you all back... and I will always be there to listen to you when you have things to vent about.

But... I've been pondering a lot of things lately. I skipped a few jujitsu classes, which is not like me. And I spent the time mostly trying to sort things out in my mind. And I realized that I need people. And there is definitely merit in being able to have friends who will let you vent or give you a shoulder to cry on. However, there is also some danger inherent in venting. And so far... some of my venting has had negative reactions... sort of in my mind only.

So, I'm quitting. I'm taking a break from venting. It won't even be up here. I'll still post stuff... but it will not be serious, third-level conversation. And even my closest friends will not hear me vent. I realize, whether or not I vent has nothing to do with the drama all around me. But by not venting I will be better able to ride this wave of drama. Its bigger than all the others, so I know of no other way to do it. I'm sorry if this disappoints any of you. But I need my secrets right now. This is me not being an emotional cuddlebug.

For right now, lets say I will keep this vow of secrecy for a month, so until June 17. We'll see how it goes. It will be my experiment.

ADDENDUM: Congratulations to Anissa for passing her Gokyu exam! YAAAAAYYYY. I am now the highest ranking Rokyu. When I'm there. When I'm not there, I'm sure there are a bunch of other Rokyus who outrank me. Heather and Stacey, for instance. But if I'm not there it doesn't much matter anyway haha.

And... Barb said something last night too. She said Steve, a guy from California, is paralyzed from the waist down, yet he is a brown belt in jujitsu, and all his paintings draw you in and really convey motion. And another of her friends is blind, but paints with the most beautiful and vivid colors. So she said... "Sometimes your greatest weakness is your greatest asset." And it made me wonder what my greatest weakness is.

At Last!!

Vindication in the food area...

Boil 3 c. water and 1 c. grits. Simmer on low and covered for ten minutes. Don't forget to stir. Stir in 1/2 cheddar and lots of Goya pepper sauce and Frank's Red Hot sauce. Spread grits on an ovensafe plate so they are laid out all thin. Bake at 350 for 5 minutes to dry the grits out. Remove from over, cut grits like a cake into little bite sized squares or triangles or dodecahedrons. Your choice. Submerge in flour and fry.

Corny GOODNESS!! Vegetarian, but by no means healthy by any stretch of the imagination. WHEEEE...

Hicksville!!

"One thing I know, I keep my heart and soul in the boondocks." ~Little Big Town

So I forgot to mention my experience yesterday. I went to church for Mother's Day. Things were alright... then all of a sudden the style of music changed for the second worship song. Yay steel guitar! I looked at my brother, he looked at me with an embarressed grin. I leaned over and said, "Yeehaw!!!"

Unfortunately he doesn't know the Cotton-eyed Joe dance. Otherwise... I would have had him helping me hoe-down.

And then after that came a song infused with the sound of a harmonica. Which is interesting because 1) the band doesn't own a steel guitar 2) they do not have a harmonica player 3) they really don't know how to play country music or whatever style it was they were attempting to do. But kudos for trying!! Yay band.

I do feel mild annoyance though that they felt the need to rub it in that I'm from Hicksville.

interesting

This was Kevin's away message. I find it fascinating:

Wizards Ninth Rule

A contradiction can not exist in reality. Not in part, nor in whole. To believe in a contradiction is to abdicate your belief in the existence of the world around you and the nature of the things in it, to instead embrace any random impulse that strikes your fancy to imagine something is real simply because you wish it were. A thing is what it is, it is itself. There can be no contradictions.
In reality, contradictions cannot exist. To believe in them you must abandon the most important thing you possess: your rational mind. The wager for such a bargain is your life. In such an exchange, you always lose what you have at stake.

An experiment gone bad

Don't try this.

Root Beer Float variation:

Ginger Ale with chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

It tastes gross. Actually it tastes like it might be from Asia somewhere. The ginger-cream combo. Ehhh...

mmm

I lied to someone today. Not to any of you who read this. But... it was an odd feeling. I was sort of struck by the permanence of it. Like, ok... with this topic, this is just how its going to be for the rest of my life. But... *it* is a small thing. Nothing that will kill me if it stays this way. It just caught my attention today.

ACKKK gaggg ick plbbbffttt...

I just ate a really disgusting jelly bean. It tastes like Windex. Take that Harry Potter Jelly Bellies!

I just read the first paragraph again... I guess I should explain myself. I had to lie to this person. Telling the truth would be admitting to myself that my life is screwed up. No, that sounds too harsh. Telling the truth to this person would lead to tons of questions and ultimately this person telling me I'm not living my life correctly. So to avoid the hassel of the stigma in West Milford, I've decided to let everyone here believe I'm living like a West Milford girl. But in reality, I've become a New Brunswick girl. But they can't know that. And I can't go back to life as a Milly girl. As much as I sometimes long for momma's apron strings, I can't.

I can't even explain what it means to be a New Brunswick girl. You have to come here and try it to see.

So yeah its complicated. And the issue in question can't be mentioned here, so its even more enigmatic. Sorry if I've totally confused and/or made everyone curious out of their minds. This isn't a plead for someone to interrogate me. Its only a place for me to express how I feel, in this case, how I feel about lying.

Its sad. But necessary.

Fiction...

...titled... umm... "Mojito"

You guys asked for some fiction... here we go...

Alec stepped into the hotel bar. It was dimly lit, which he was happy about, because he was not in any mood for his few acquaintances to bug him about another drink or going to the weight room or some such other thing. He just wanted to relax a little before going to bed. Something that would clear his mind. He found a small table in the corner and munched on some peanuts.

He couldn't figure out what he was feeling about Her. Why did he feel so empty inside when he thought about the past 6 months? They were fulfilling months. No, they were AMAZING. SHE was amazing. But... there's still something wrong. Almost morally wrong. Maybe its the age difference. But... She's not really that young. Only about 5 years. She's pretty, no, She's beautiful. She's got a great personality, similar hobbies.

She was his type. Definitely. So, what was the problem? A waitress came over to find out what he wanted. A Guinness. A drink fit for a guy. To be drinking it alone is sad, sure. But its fitting. She's on the other side of the world, and nothing else will keep him company quite like a Guinness.

He thought about when She kissed him goodbye at the airport. He was a good actor. No one, not even Her, had noticed his cringe. For a moment Her hair had fallen in front of Her face, as She knelt to pick up his carry-on for him. She was always sweet like that, doing things for him. But he had used that moment to take a furtive glance around. Had anybody seen their kiss? Why did it matter?

He thought back to the first time they'd kissed. It was after his neice's christening. He took Her back to Her apartment; She invited him in. And... the light hit Her hair just right, the soft smile on Her face showed how happy She was. And it seemed like instinct just to take Her in his arms.

He could almost imagine She was there, sitting in front of him, with an orange summer dress and a mojito. That was Her favorite drink. It somehow fit Her personality. Or else it just complemented the color of Her dress. The entire image reminded him of summer. That was Her season, Her season to shine. She lifted Her glass to his, and he looked up into...

...eyes that were not Hers. His mind was abruptly drawn out of his daydream by the realization that there was a tipsy brunette sitting across from him. Her accent sounded French. She was really easy to talk to.

No, there's no reason he was sitting alone in a corner with a Guinness. No reason he's alone in a foreign hotel with no one beside him. No reason to tell the French girl that someone close to him didn't want to come along.

No reason, because he himself didn't know how he felt about Her. He didn't know why something inside him seemed to hold him down just when She was about to make him fall head over heels for Her all over again. He missed that falling feeling.

So he didn't decline when French Girl invited him to go for a stroll... to find a beer that didn't have hotel mark-ups. It was a quiet little pub. He enjoyed talking to her. He could even find himself a little bit off balance around her. Maybe that was the beer. He didn't even know until her drink arrived that it was another mojito. She said something in French that sounded cute, took the mint sprig out and crushed one leaf on the back of her wrist. She then crushed another mint leaf into her drink. It was something he'd seen Her do a hundred times before. The faint smell of mint reached his nose and he smiled at the familiarity. He liked French Girl.

On the walk back to the hotel, the rainclouds finally decided to do something, so the two of them ducked into a doorway to wait for the downpour to end. It was a quick shower, but it was long enough for him to realize how close they were standing. And how cold the rain had made things. French Girl was so similar to Her. He turned to look at her again, but she was standing closer than he expected and suddenly their lips met. He was surprised. But then he thought about Her back home. And he kissed French Girl deeper. He realized they were almost the same girl. The difference was French Girl was a stranger. And She was his best friend. And you shouldn't kiss your best friend. In that one quick kiss, so many realizations tumbled into his head that he didn't know what to do.

He pulled away. She'd had more to drink. She wanted to keep going. But he looked into her eyes and saw Hers weeping. He could never tell Her what he'd just done. He could never make Her hurt that badly. And what's more, they weren't right for each other. He'd have to let Her go anyway, even if She didn't know about French Girl.

Back at the hotel, they went their separate ways. The rain had soaked them, so they each went to change. But it was only a pretext. He didn't want to see her. He went back into the hotel bar and sat in a different corner with his whiskey, wondering how he could break it to Her. And why couldn't he have seen it before. No doubt She would wonder how he could have changed. Or maybe She'd seen it coming. That explains Her refusal to come with him on this trip. But still... hurting Her now was better than hurting Her more later. The longer he waited the more it would hurt Her when the time came. And the more it would hurt him, seeing Her in pain.

She'd be at the airport to pick him up. Maybe on the ride back. No, take Her out to dinner. After the jet lag wears off. No sense being exhausted and emotional at the same time. Lets just be friends, have some dinner. How stupid does that sound? What if he just didn't come back? Didn't explain himself at all. What if he was just gone? She'd have questions, sure. But she wouldn't have the answers that would hurt Her so much.

The waitress was asking him to leave. The entire hotel, apparently, had gone to bed. Suddenly, sleep seemed like the best idea ever. He could see Her there, and in sleep he could see Her and still be in love with Her.

He threw the mint on the desk and pushed the turned-down covers all the way to the end of the bed. If he wasn't going back, he'd have to get comfortable here. He closed his eyes, and tried to take Her pain away.

THE FUTURE...

...ooooh... make breakfast spooky... spooky eating toast.... yum yum yum... human hand.

Hmm

So school ends and all of a sudden I have the time to think again. Funny how that happens every semester.

I thought about a lot of things. Needed to cry and got that out. Needed to chat and got that to happen too. Needed to... not necessarily make decisions, but at least lay the groundwork so I'll be able to. Did that until 8 am this morning.

I'd like to say I think education is amazing. 4 years ago, I could only speak and understand English. Now, Doug is iming me in Spanish, I'm answering in Italian, and then going to another AIM box and speaking to Steve in English. And... as a part of a potential future schooling opportunity, this morning I seriously considered the possibility that I might need to learn French.

And it all started in Jujitsu. Where I'm getting a couple words here and there in Japanese. And through the people involved, getting exposure to Mandarin. And German. And Hindi. And Malayalam.

But anyway, back to jujitsu. Since winter break, I've not felt like going. I sort of go out of habit now. I couldn't imagine breaking that habit until a few days ago. Then suddenly I realized I'd felt this way since the winter and why didn't I notice earlier? Barb mentioned last week about moving from the heart. She was speaking with a physiological viewpoint because the lines and angles between the heart and other body parts are crucial. But I took it mentally as well. I can't move from my heart because my heart's not in it. I think I've mentioned that before.

Yesterday at jujitsu, it was good. Barb pushed me to conquer a fear I've had. And it was good. I got over it. I'm sure it looked messy when I did it, but I did it. Actually two fears. One of them looked REALLY messy. But whatever. I got a lot out of it. But I didn't care. I didn't have a sense of elation that I'd conquered my fear. I didn't care because I was not interested in being there. I kept wondering what time it was. When would it end.

My brother said something to my mom about how when he comes to Rutgers, he's not sure if he wants to join jujitsu, because its my life now. And he doesn't want to be that closely connected to me. But if he only knew what's going on in my head... maybe jujitsu IS my life now. Maybe that's making me resent it.

At any rate... maybe I need a break from jujitsu. I think part of it is, over time, my eyes have been opened to things in the dojo. Maybe I just need a break so I can accept the fact that I'm not wearing rosey glasses anymore.

So that's what started a whole slew of things. Because one thing leads to another. And in the end, I ended up allowing myself to dream about the future. I'm not done with school yet. Just done with school at Rutgers.

Whoo hoo! I'm graduating in 8 days!!!

I am going to throw up...

... and when I do, I'm sueing Stouffer's for making crap tv dinners.

In the down time while I'm waiting to throw up, why don't you do this problem?

My brother's sending a challenge out to all my friends... a checkerboard that is 8x8 squares... each square has an x in it, so each angle is dissected equally... how many triangles are there?

Fiction

I want to write fiction... but I don't know how this will turn out... because I only have an idea, not a real story yet. If its crap I might delete it so if you read it, consider yourself lucky.

Yeah its crap. I need some inspiration.

Sometimes I write fiction cause its fun. Other times I write fiction to express the non-fiction. I'd like to do that now, but I don't know how I can. The non-fiction isn't something worth reading.

songs

So... I love quoting songs in my away messages. They don't always correlate to how I feel. But in the past few hours, there have been so many songs I'd like to quote, I don't know where to start, so I'm putting a bunch in here instead.

Pilgrim how you journey/ On the road you chose/ To find out why the winds die/ And where the stories go/ All days come from one day/ That much you must know/ You cannot change what's over/ But only where you go/ One way leads to diamonds/ One way leads to gold/ Another leads you only/ To everything you're told/ In your heart you wonder/ which of these is true/ The road that leads to nowhere/ the road that leads to you/ Will you find the answer/ in all you say and do?/ Will you find the answer/ In you?/ Each heart is a pilgrim/ Each one wants to know/ .../ .../ Pilgrim, in your journey/ You may travel far/ For pilgrim it's a long way/ To find out who you are ~Enya

Who can say where the road goes,/ Where the day flows, only time?/ And who can say if your love grows,/ As your heart chose, only time?// Who can say why your heart sighs,/ As your love flies, only time?/ And who can say why your heart cries/ when your love lies, only time?// Who can say when the roads meet,/ That love might be in your heart?/ .../.../ ...// .../ .../ .../ .../ .../ ... ~Enya

I don't know how to say this,/ I don't know where to stand,/ I don't know where to put my feet,/ Or where to put my hands./ I've got them in my pockets,/ My fingers are freezing cold,/ They're wrapped around a ticket stub/ That's four weeks old,/ And I don't know how to say this.// I think we've figured out/ This world is bigger than you and I./ We've exhausted our wealth of knowledge/ And have no more answers for mankind.// We've had every conversation in the world/ About what is right and what has all gone bad,/ But have I mentioned to you that this is all I am,/ This is all that I have.// I'm not trying to judge you./ No that's not my job. / I am just a seeker too,/ In search of God.// Somewhere somehow this subject became taboo. / I have no other way to communicate to you. / This is all that I am./ This is all that I have.// And we've had every conversation in the world/ About what is right and what has all gone bad,/ ... / ...// .../ .../ .../ ...// .../ .../ .../ ...// .../ .../ .../ .../ ...// .../ .../ Just know that I care for you/ And I’m speaking from my heart ~Sarah Groves

I've done every devotional/ Been every place emotional/ Trying to hear a new word from God/ And I think it's very odd,/ that while I attempt to help myself/ My Bible sits upon my shelf/ With every promise/ I could ever need// Chorus: ... // Verse 2 // Bridge ~SG

I don’t want to leave here/ I don’t want to stay/ It feels like pinching to me/ Either way/ And the places I long for the most/ Are the places where I’ve been/ They are calling out to me/ Like a long lost friend// It’s not about losing faith/ It’s not about trust/ It’s all about comfortable/ When you move so much/ And the place I was wasn’t perfect/ But I had found a way to live/ And it wasn’t milk or honey/ But then neither is this// Chorus: I've been painting pictures of Egypt,/ leaving out what it lacks/ The future feels so hard,/ And I wanna go back!/ But the places that used to fit me,/ Cannot hold the things I've learned/ Those roads were closed off to me/ While my back was turned!// The past is so tangible/ I know it by heart/ Familiar things are never easy/ To discard/ I was dying for some freedom/ But now I hesitate to go/ I am caught between the Promise/ And the things I know// chorus// If it comes too quick/ I may not appreciate it/ Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?/ And if it comes too quick/ I may not recognize it/ Is that the reason behind all this time and sand? ~SG

Hello Lord, it's me your child/ I have a few things on my mind/ Right now I'm faced with big decisions/ And I'm wondering if you have a minute, cuz// Chorus: Right now I don't hear so well/ And I was wondering if you could speak up/ I know that you tore the veil/ So I could sit with you in person/ And hear what you're saying but/ Right now, I just can't hear you.// I don't doubt your sovereignty/ I doubt my own ability to/ Hear what you're saying/ And to do the right thing/ And I desperately want to do the right thing// Chorus// And somewhere in the back of my mind/ I think you are telling me to wait/ And though patience has never been mine/ Lord, I will wait to hear from you/ Oh Lord, I'm waiting on you// Chorus// Right now, I think you're whispering ~SG

ten years old...

So... this is going to be a rant... and I'm not even sure if I can share all of it. I was feeling a little annoyed today. Two people I know were treating each other like they were each ten years old. And I know they are FAR older than that. It was frustrating, knowing that in other areas, they are extremely mature and developed. I guess it kinda frustrates me because sometimes my mom treats me like I'm years younger than I am, and it bothers me, not so much because she's implying that I'm not mature, but more because I can't be trusted. I guess if these two people could trust each other to be mature, maybe they would be mature.

And then after jujitsu, we were standing around saying goodnight and a car drove up and someone pegged me with a water balloon. It bounced off my shoulder and broke on Amish. I didn't respond outwardly like Doug did. But I think I could have killed the guy with a glance if he'd been standing in front of me right then. Something in the atmosphere made me really... not angry... it was beyond angry. It was like... "Dude you freaking need to grow up stupid college drunk frat jerk." But that was inside. Outside, it bounced off me. The water balloon bounced, and so did the atmosphere... It was weird. Thinking about it made it a bit clearer just now. I took it as an attack against me... so I got... not defensive, not indignant... but... I guess protective of justice... if that makes any sense. When Doug took off chasing the car to throw his water bottle at them, the first thing that came to mind was that he was chasing them to get the license plate number. If I had it, I would have complained to the police. Not cause I was really hurt. But cause jerks should be punished for being. Especially if they live on frat row. Hmm I think I'm a bit more porcupiney tonight. Something in the air I guess.

And then during jujitsu Barb kept telling us to make a line to our hearts. Draw all of your force from your heart. And she was talking physical heart but I think she wanted us to draw the connection to our emotions and mental state as well. That all of our actions should come from the heart. It was a little frustrating, because I was getting so many good pointers from Barb that I don't normally get from her because there's one of her and so many of us. But at the same time, my heart wasn't in it, so I wasn't getting as much out of it as I think I should have gotten. I couldn't do jujitsu tonight because my heart wasn't there. If its not there, there's nothing to draw from in terms of doing the techniques the way she wants it.

And I'm not entirely sure why my heart isn't in it. I think that it hasn't been in a lot of things lately. Maybe its got a reason. Maybe not. Maybe its just one of those phases I go through. I went through a phase like that back in January too.

smile

So... Ragtime is over. It was a good show. I had a lot of fun. Ag Field Day and the NJ Folk Festival were fun too. I feel like lately I've been doing Rutgers things I haven't done in the past four years solely for the sake of saying I did them. I feel like, OOH I'm graduating, I have to do this first! Although I haven't been to Rutgersfest yet. That's ok. I'm not into the whole, "drinking, forty bazillion people and a rap band" scene. Anyway. Ag Field Day in combination with working backstage and then going to Applebee's wore me out, both physically and emotionally. As usual, my mind didn't know what to do with the emotional stuff, so even though not all of it was bad, my mind sent it all over to my body which decided to make it physical pain. It manifested itself in a way that has only happened maybe 4-5 times before. During times of extreme fatigue, I get something in my joints that feels kinda like arthritis. The first time I felt it was after a 6 hour hike literally up and down mountains in Italy under the blistering sun. I couldn't sleep that night because of the pain in my ankles, knees, wrists, elbows, and shoulders. Luckily, yesterday wasn't that bad- it was only my ankles swollen and throbbing and one knee. But I was all better in the morning, and slept through church just to catch up on the sleep I haven't been getting all semester.

Then I went to U-Yee's with Cara, Doug, James, Anissa, and Steve for some really good sushi (1/2 off). That was fun. The theme of the conversation topics seemed to be "torture and violent death" which I guess is natural coming from martial artists. James isn't a martial artist, but he is an engineer, so he has cool chemical ways of contributing to the conversation. Made me think my brother's going to fit right in when he comes to Rutgers and I drag him into the whole jujitsu scene.

After that I got back to my apartment, showered, and fiddled with my hair forever. Steve and I went to the BA Theater Major's Ball. It was a lot of fun. I normally don't like that kind of thing and I wasn't planning on going until Andrea called me on Easter Sunday to see if I was going. She convinced me, and it was partly because her phone call meant I had something to do besides sit and be ignored by my cousins and aunts and uncles.

And it was really worth it. Steve and Anissa plotted on a whole corsage-bouttoniere thing, and it was just a really good time. I remember a long time ago I wrote a poem that said something along the lines of "I just want a fairy tale night with a pretty dress and a handsome guy." And while I've had that type of night before, somehow... tonight was... I guess the matured version of that. Like I've been waiting and getting fulfilling awesome nights before this, but tonight was... what the poem was about. There was something about the energy of the room, the atmosphere... that sort of fulfilled what I had in the poem. I danced a little... got my swing dance in, and the Cotton-eyed Joe song. I learned a new version of the dance to it- being from the sticks, we kinda have a more hick version lol.

And during dinner, I had this thought hit me: I'm graduating. Will I ever see these people again? And so I had the sudden urge to take a picture of every person I know haha. So I got a bunch of pictures, and they did a presentation honoring seniors (I got a fake diploma, a "degree certificate"). So in a way, it is a little sad too.

But, I haven't graduated yet, which means I still have a paper due in the morning, so I'm gonna get to it. Goodnight.