can't sleep again...

Yeah I can't sleep. At least I don't have head monsters again. This is something else entirely. I should sleep. My final exam is tomorrow. But I can't. I have head butterflies because something happened to make me happy. For all of you who know, I've been tormented by stuff lately. And the stuff is still there but its not tormenting me anymore. I won't let it. And I haven't been this happy in a long time.

On a separate note, someone did something this weekend that bothered me. I'm not losing sleep over it. But it hurts. And it was immature of the person. I never thought they'd be capable of hurting me. But that's ok. People are people. I'm still going to be there for them if they ever need me.

Something else to talk about... in jujitsu today, we focused on grappling. It was a lot of fun. I think it helped me in the other areas of jujitsu because it helped me focus and commit to what I was doing. For example, if we just do throws all night, its not very threatening; it becomes very practiced and choreographed. But in grappling, if someone's trying to sit on my chest, I know they mean it, and its like I rise to meet the challenge. Then once I'm in that mindset, I can put that commitment into the other things I do and it makes them better, less choreographed. Except for Sasae Ashi. I'm still horrible at that one. Its evil and it hates me.

Ok on that note... I'm going to make a half-hearted attempt at sleeping. And the other half goes to thinking? Perhaps...

Ok bye.

Hi

I can't sleep... when I close my eyes, something happens to wake me up. Occasionally its an external source, but sometimes its the monsters in my head. I have to meet with my study partner tomorrow so I really need the sleep. I just can't. So I thought I'd say hi to everyone. Even though everyone else I'm pretty sure is asleep. Except maybe Cyrus, who might still be jetlagged from spending the summer in Taiwan and then coming here on Tuesday. Welcome back Cyrus :-)

So yeah. Hi everyone.

...

I did something that had to be done even though I didn't like the thought of it. And I hoped and prayed that it could someday be undone. I believed with all my heart it would be undone. And for 8 months I nursed this hope, despite the energy it took from me. And after that, the hope started to slip away from me. I tried as hard as I could to hold on to it. But I realized, I was tired. It was like running in a race and I simply didn't have the energy to hold on. And supposing I did manage to secure my hope again and keep it from slipping away, I certainly did not have the energy to continue keeping it alive much longer. So, after four months of trying to hold on, I let go. And as soon as I did, I realized that the energy put into it, and the agony, and the emotion had taught me just how much I am alive. It makes life so much more vibrant when you can feel it, even if some of the feeling is pain. And as soon as I let go, I realized perhaps I was wrong to give it up. But it was something I simply could not hold onto any longer, and if I was in fact wrong to give it up, I will have to deal with the consequences of my mistake. There's no going back anymore, because it is over. Perhaps I'm wrong; perhaps its not over. But I believe it is, and it is my beliefs that will control my emotions and my actions.

I was watching an anime today called Fruits Basket. I like it because it doesn't revolve around fighting. There is some conflict in it, but it has more to do with character development than anything else. If it were a full-length picture with real actors, it would land in the chick-flick category. So, something that struck me today was this: (in part because of its similarity to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) The main character is talking to a boy who tells her about his mother. The mother then walks up, and speaks to Momiji (the boy) without recognizing him as a son. When she leaves, he explains that when he was born and it was discovered he had the family curse, his mother rejected him and had a mental break-down. To help her, her memory of having Momiji was erased, and she no longer recognizes him as a son. Despite the pain Momiji endures because of this curse, he is still one of the happiest, care-free characters in the anime. He explains that his mother's experience has convinced him to live his life so that his memories would never have to be erased. This doesn't mean avoiding bad memories, but learning how to grow through them so that by the time you are done learning and growing, even the bad memories will be important milestones in your life. In the anime, Momiji is only a freshman in high school, and one of the older characters mentions how interesting it will be to see Momiji all grown up (he sometimes dresses like a girl and acts like a child) but in writing about it just now, I think Momiji is one of the most grown-up characters of them all. Just analyzing it right now somehow seemed to have a profound meaning for me... and I had to stop typing and just take it in.

Anyway, this is me, trying to make hard times be important milestones in my life. This is me, living with a knife in my heart when I think too hard.

friends

I just wanted to thank all of my friends for putting up with me. I haven't been having the greatest past couple of weeks, at the same time, I've been having the time of my life, and I have my friends to thank for it.

I'm glad you all give me an outlet to vent my feelings, as well as the great memories of things we do and places we go. You're all incredibly awesome.