4:30 AM

After a long dry spell, a long hard cry, a long argument with a human voice of reason, I am now equipped to argue with God.

God, I'm trying really hard to do whatever it is that you have planned for my life but I can't seem to find a direction that I think you want me to go. I feel like you are letting me down by not telling me what I should do.

I have summed it up a bit, the real conversation sounded more like a temper tantrum.

And God says, "You aren't listening."

And when I listen, I hear the voices of reason, I see myself deliberately avoiding some of the people who make the most sense, and I don't hear God. I only hear the voices of reason. But who is to say that those voices are not the voice of God? Can it be that they are there because he wants me to listen to voices of reason instead of him? Can it be that he doesn't want to make the decision for me? Can it be that he wants me to put on my big girl panties?

How many of you thought I was incredibly sacrilegious for thinking that God would ever say "put on your big girl panties"? How many of you shot milk out your nose?

After struggling with the issue for a long time, I am finally able to bring my mood out of the depths a little and go to bed with some light humor on my mind.

First watch this video: Carrie Underwood

Then watch the new version: go here and under "featured videos" click the second one down (look for the word Cletus).

For the record, God and I have reached an understanding. Or rather, I have reached an understanding. God always had it I think. But that doesn't mean my life is great because of it. It just means I get it.

my celebrity lookalike

Its strange because I'm not Asian, Indian, Greek or Italian and yet those are the ethnicities that popped up. I don't even know who these people are, except Sigourney Weaver. And I have her nose.



Lets try it again. More Asians, do I really look Asian, people? And what is that guy doing in there?? (Kate Beckinsale was in the list too, but her picture looked awful so I thought I would spare you all the grief.)

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

Christmas Shopping

I was helping Steve pick out some gifts today, and as we were walking past a kiosk full of hair products, I heard the dreaded question:

"Excuse me, miss, can I ask you a question?"
"No." With a brief thought about whether or not to be incredibly rude, I began to continue walking.
"But you have such great curly hair."

Ok now I have no qualms about walking onward. She OBVIOUSLY was not talking to me, or else she was retarded and won't remember that I was rude to her.

The Eunuch in the Royal Court

Another little snippet:

Jack is losing his manhood tomorrow as punishment for humping his sisters. Just because his parents are siblings doesn't mean incest is unpunishable. They both got their punishments too.

I can't sleep

I've been trying to sleep for quite some time now, and I'm still very alert. So, I have decided to write now what I had been planning to put off until tomorrow or the next day or never.

Its kind of a question about where my spiritual life is right now. Sometimes I feel that I may have taken God out of the "God" spot in my life, and put some other little god in His place. Other times I am angry with God for not being as fulfilling as other aspects of my life. Isn't God supposed to be satisfying? Sometimes its as simple as feeling that I'm no longer clean, that I stopped following God and started playing in the pigpen. And other times its as complicated as saying that I've been taken hostage in the enemy camp, that its not my fault I'm not with God and am trying hard to get back home.

All of these feelings revolve around a particular series of events in my life, and things have been slowly deteriorating over the years. A few years ago, I never would have dreamed that a parable about the Christian journey would shake me so much and make me question my eternity.

Twila Paris:

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

^ Who I was a few years ago ^

(Chorus)
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

^ Who I am now ^

snippets

1. I discovered today that we have enough food in the basement pantry and freezer to survive a very long zombie attack.

2. I discovered I should not have a phone. I don't pick mine up, and I don't answer voicemails. I am a very bad phone owner.

Side Note

House, M.D. is a great TV show. America needs lighthearted stuff like Scrubs, but actors need shows like House. Watching House almost makes me wish to be on stage again.

BS or MS?

Well, I hope none of you out there have been going through withdrawal from not hearing from me. I haven't really been incredibly busy, just kind of bored with life, so I haven't written about the exciting things, or the annoying things, or anything like that.

But I did want to chronicle a few things, just cause they happened and should be put down in the record of my life.

On December 8, Steve and I went to the mall for a few Christmas gifts. We ran out of the mall when we suddenly realized our next "activity" started at 5, not 6. Our next activity actually happened to start at 5:30 so we ended up being right on time. It was a ballroom dance workshop hosted by the RU Ballroom Dance Club, and DJ'ed by Steve's ballroom dance teacher. For the entire past semester Steve has been taking ballroom and then teaching me everything he knows (except how to be a good lead dancer), so the workshop was good for both of us. When it was over, we rushed over to Steve's place where I changed out of my junky clothes into some nice ones (with dancing shoes!) and wrapped up a gift. Then we rushed over to Stuff Yer Face, where Taylor was having her birthday party, and we ate something, and Steve bought me a Lambic which was nice of him. It was good too, haha nice and sweet. Then we rushed back to the gym, or actually the Chocolate Ballroom as it was called in the flyer. Basically it was a place to ballroom dance, and eat free chocolate laced with things you are allergic to like peanut butter. Not me, Steve. We did that until almost midnight and then went back to Steve's place, where Taylor and Navin were just arriving with an ice cream cake from Thomas Sweets'. While flipping through the channels, Navin stopped on the History Channel so we could get a detailed documentary on the History of Sex. Did you know that table skirts were invented in Victorian England because people thought that men were so horny that the sight of any "leg," even just a table leg, would cause them to fall short of the glory of God?

Anyway, that was one of the more enjoyable times I've had in a while.

Compare to the following Monday, where I was given 24-hour warning that I had scheduled a dental appointment a few months ago. Thanks to the jujitsu kids' class end-of-session party on Thursday, visiting Taylor and Anissa on Friday and eating dessert from Delicious Orchards, a Chocolate Ballroom and an ice cream cake on Saturday, and all sorts of leftovers from all of that on Sunday, I was pretty ready to have my teeth worked on. I had been nursing cavities since I graduated in '06 and thought my insurance ran out. When I discovered it didn't, I ran to the dentist, but he didn't have an opening for several months, which is why I had forgotten until last minute that I had the appointment. This is only the second time I met this guy, so I was a little unsure that I wanted him drilling holes in me, but it was something that had been put off way too long. He has this contraption that administers the anesthetic so that he doesn't have to measure it or something. He inserts the needle into my left upper gumline, and then the machine starts sending out the numby stuff. A computerized voice talks to him to tell him when to stop. I don't speak Dentist though so I don't know how much of it I got. It was in there for a long time. Then he went over to the top right gumline and the whole process started over. Then he says "I'm not drilling very deep on the bottom jaw so I'm not going to numb that one." Basically "Suck it up." All in all the entire process took 2 hours, and I'm not sure how many contraptions were in my mouth all at once. The worst thing was the sander, which basically vibrated my entire skull, sinuses included, and made my nose run, but my head was back, so it basically ran down the back of my throat. At one point he told me to stop and swish my mouth out with water, and I started to but then it all squirted out because I couldn't move my lips. I had to pinch them together with my fingers. It felt like a stroke on both sides of my face. When I got home I thought I would lie down on my bed for a little while, just to enjoy the feel of not having any drills, picks, mouth vacuums, fingers, or mirrors in my mouth. I woke up at 9 pm, having missed Monday night jujitsu. Apparently, local anesthetic, when applied in the proper quantities, actually does knock a person out. It just takes too long and surgeons get impatient, so they invented the heavy duty anesthesia for them.

I spent the rest of my week making Christmas gifts, and now, I suppose, you all are caught up.

I need to find a school and narrow down my choices as far as my entire future is concerned. And I think I need to stop being afraid to screw up. I guess in some ways, I feel like I screwed up when it comes to the major I chose, even though it was the best thing for me at the time. I'm dragging my feet with this finding another degree to pursue, because I don't want to give up on it in a few years.

dry

I had a dream last night where everything was going wrong. My head was pounding (not painful, just pressure) and the sound of the blood in my head made a whoosh sound, which my brain worked into the plot of the dream in several different manifestations. When I woke up I realized my head was pounding and it wasn't strange noises on the phone or the sound of lawn furniture spinning around on a turntable, but actually blood whooshing in my head. I also am really dehydrated (since my feet and hands are dry and crackly feeling, and my lips are chapped). The funny thing is, I drank at least 6 glasses of water yesterday and it went through me. I am wondering what kind of medical problem could cause the body to reject water. I don't feel sick though. Just dry.

On the psychoanalytic end of things, the dream suggests that I am having issues with vulnerability, taking care of the future, living a productive life, caring for the things I love, fear of those things turning on me, and keeping my life clean and in order. Great.