I should be sleeping...

I've been packing all day and can't breathe because of my allergies to the dust in my bedroom, so I am at Steve's for the night. I should not be up late, because I have another day of packing and cleaning, plus jujitsu tomorrow. However, I am. I can't help but think long into the night.

The other day I overheard something I have not heard in a long time. It was something Janis Joplin once sang, "Freedom's just another word for 'nothing left to lose.'" For some reason, the phrase keeps turning over in my head. I have nothing left to lose in New Brunswick. I have my degree, and the further education I will eventually want is not offered at Rutgers. Jujitsu is here, but I'm not tied to it anymore in my heart. I've quit my job, and have lost my connections to the theaters here. My roommates are moving, and some of the friends I still have here in New Brunswick cause too much trouble for me to stick around. There are some good people here, I will admit, but good friends don't count because you will never lose them, so I really do have nothing left here to lose.

Somehow though, this move doesn't feel like freedom to me. But the phrase is "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." So maybe freedom feels just like any other feeling. Maybe its not as special as people try to make it.

Maybe I'm just saying that to convince myself that moving back into the home nest is not going to be a reverse in my independence.

Last night I longed to be away from X and Y in my life. Leaving X and Y in New Brunswick will probably be some of the best things for me... and for some of my other relationships.

Maybe then I'll be free.