World News

My email provider puts headlines with links to the latest news on my home page. Here is my response to them:

Topic, Oprah: She had someone on her show who said something and some doctors said she was an idiot for endorsing a quack, and it got picked up by Newsweek so now she's upset.

My response: Oprah, get over it. We all know you can say whatever the heck you want on your show and your rating might go down for a week but it will be back up again in no time. Much like your weight.

Topic, TV's Digital Switch: a 3-page article on how to know if you will be affected by the switchover and why its happening.

My response: Its happening because they want your money. Will you be affected? No. TV is already digital, its called a computer. Search Wikipedia for Hulu, then search BitTorrentz. Be careful, one is legal, one is sketchy.

Topic, Myths about Sex: Can you get an STD on the toilet? Can you get pregnant on your first time or during your period? Find out here!

My response: You CAN get pregnant by being an idiot, so... read away. Cause if you clicked the link just because it had "Sex" in the title, you probably need the answers to those questions.

Topic, My Parents are Jealous of my Happy Life: A "Dear Dr. Counselor" type of letter.

My response: You're whiny. Grow up.

Topic, Shia LaBeouf's Dad Sold Weed to the Hawaiian Mafia: I really can't elaborate, the title says it all.

My response: Wow. Just wow. Since that headline was so utterly useless I thought certainly I could find something more important to living life as an intelligent being on a world news website. So I headed over to BBC to see what was there. Apparently, all they are concerned about is an Iranian election that isn't really an election, and what was on Michele Obama's dinner table last week.

I am forced to repeat myself. The media is useless. All of it.

EDIT: My apologies. I apparently am not in a good mood.