Not all here...

When I was 17, a boy called me up on the phone to chat. We chatted for four hours and as it turns out, he was trying the entire time to work up the nerve to ask me out. I asked him for some time to sort out my feelings because (I didn't tell him this part) I honestly had not expected that anyone could possibly develop feelings for me. It had not occurred to me that any number of the guys in my life could have shared his feelings, but not worked up the courage to ask me out.

The next day, I was supposed to get some schoolwork done, but could not. My focus was on one thing the entire day, and as I went through my day, my stomach did flip flops with the intensity, excitement, and nervousness of the whole thing, specifically, the unknown of: what was I going to tell him?

With the exception of a few adrenaline-filled seconds here and there over the years (roller coasters, NJ drivers, cats appearing out of the dark in a place they don't belong), I have not felt that feeling in the eight years since that first boy asked me out.

Tonight, I was overwhelmed for more than an hour by that very butterfly flip-flop feeling. This was followed by an internal monologue that translated everything my mother said to me into, "She's calling you (fill in blank: fat, plain, ugly, tacky, slutty) and cutting you down."

This was followed by an extreme allergic reaction to who knows what which resulted in an actual commercial medicine (no herbals), which so far has not cleared me up, its only made me loopy enough to contemplate mixing meds by taking something stronger.

I am having a draining day-evening-early morning, I suppose. In deep ethereal thought, I wonder exactly what Rod Stewart meant when he sang, "If I gave you time to change my mind I´d try to leave all the past behind Knowing that you lied straight-faced while I cried Still I look to find a reason to believe // Someone like you makes it easy to live without somebody else Someone like you makes it hard to give never think about myself..." It seems it is a good thing the person lied. Odd.