Journal Entry

I don't know for sure if I'm going to end up publishing this.  I have experienced pain in my life before and I always found some outlet for it.  Sometimes I would quote mopey song lyrics in a cryptic way (silly me, wrote this whole entry out and only just remembered what my previous entry was), so that those who cared could try to decipher it.  But that is an easy way to be misunderstood and so I got bored with that (apparently not).  Other times I would just vent to my friends, but there's only so much you can say before you feel you are repeating yourself.  When I felt there was no where to turn, I would go to my journal; I started it in 1997 and kept it up until a few weeks ago, fourteen years and 4 months.  Granted, in the past couple of years I have written sporadically, sometimes going months without writing.  I've been too busy enjoying life.  My journal ended on a happy note, despite the pain and uncertainty I was feeling at the time, despite the pain and uncertainty that some part of me thought was in store for me in the near future.  I had chosen, that day, to see the silver lining.

Today I see the clouds, and thanks to a dream I had, I see the tornado in my storm.  But I also see a greater good coming from the tornado, even though I don't know what that greater good is yet.

But I can't help but sit here tonight and think about Nicholas Sparks.  I haven't read any of his books but I have seen some of the movies.  Either he is an idiot or Hollywood is, because real relationships don't get made into movies.  Real relationships are gritty, real relationships are boring most of the time and like soap operas 10% of the time and like war the rest of the time.  But there is one thing they highlighted that is important to take note of.  In the movie, The Notebook, the guy and girl are kept apart by a force in the plot (doesn't matter what it is, there has always been a force keeping the lovers apart ever since the ancient Greeks organized theatrical plot lines).  Time passes and they find other people.  Then they find each other again, but things are different now.  There are other commitments, someone is engaged to another person.  And what do you think happens?  The actor who plays Cyclops in X-Men gets left behind by the girl he loves because she loves someone else.  And in the movies, that is okay.  The story is not about him, so we do not see the pain he will feel.

If you find someone for whom you would walk out of any relationship with any other person, you should not be in a relationship with that other person.  But does that necessarily mean you should be with your someone either?  What if the force keeping you apart is just too great to fight?  Should you risk someone else's heart by being with them when you would walk out at any moment if the force is suddenly surmountable again?

And is it wrong sometimes to feel like a martyr?  Is it wrong to say to yourself, "my dreams for myself are not as important as the future happiness of the one I love" and then allow the pain of what you've just given up in your heart to wash over you, day after day?  And is that person, as flawed and unright for you as they are, worth the pain you are feeling?  Obviously, somewhere inside, your heart thinks that person is worth it.  But where does that thought come from?  How does your heart know so assuredly that this person is worth your pain and the years you spend waiting?

How long is too long to wait?

EDIT:  Crap, I just found a flaw in my argument.