I did something that had to be done even though I didn't like the thought of it. And I hoped and prayed that it could someday be undone. I believed with all my heart it would be undone. And for 8 months I nursed this hope, despite the energy it took from me. And after that, the hope started to slip away from me. I tried as hard as I could to hold on to it. But I realized, I was tired. It was like running in a race and I simply didn't have the energy to hold on. And supposing I did manage to secure my hope again and keep it from slipping away, I certainly did not have the energy to continue keeping it alive much longer. So, after four months of trying to hold on, I let go. And as soon as I did, I realized that the energy put into it, and the agony, and the emotion had taught me just how much I am alive. It makes life so much more vibrant when you can feel it, even if some of the feeling is pain. And as soon as I let go, I realized perhaps I was wrong to give it up. But it was something I simply could not hold onto any longer, and if I was in fact wrong to give it up, I will have to deal with the consequences of my mistake. There's no going back anymore, because it is over. Perhaps I'm wrong; perhaps its not over. But I believe it is, and it is my beliefs that will control my emotions and my actions.
I was watching an anime today called Fruits Basket. I like it because it doesn't revolve around fighting. There is some conflict in it, but it has more to do with character development than anything else. If it were a full-length picture with real actors, it would land in the chick-flick category. So, something that struck me today was this: (in part because of its similarity to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) The main character is talking to a boy who tells her about his mother. The mother then walks up, and speaks to Momiji (the boy) without recognizing him as a son. When she leaves, he explains that when he was born and it was discovered he had the family curse, his mother rejected him and had a mental break-down. To help her, her memory of having Momiji was erased, and she no longer recognizes him as a son. Despite the pain Momiji endures because of this curse, he is still one of the happiest, care-free characters in the anime. He explains that his mother's experience has convinced him to live his life so that his memories would never have to be erased. This doesn't mean avoiding bad memories, but learning how to grow through them so that by the time you are done learning and growing, even the bad memories will be important milestones in your life. In the anime, Momiji is only a freshman in high school, and one of the older characters mentions how interesting it will be to see Momiji all grown up (he sometimes dresses like a girl and acts like a child) but in writing about it just now, I think Momiji is one of the most grown-up characters of them all. Just analyzing it right now somehow seemed to have a profound meaning for me... and I had to stop typing and just take it in.
Anyway, this is me, trying to make hard times be important milestones in my life. This is me, living with a knife in my heart when I think too hard.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
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3 comments:
I have pride in knowing you. It takes great strength, courage, and faith to hold on to hope for so long, but it also takes great strength, courage, and faith to let go of something that has consumed so much of yourself (something made real and solid by all of your time and energy) and to move on into the unknown, uncertain, amorphic future. You have made your choices, and that is more than most people can claim for themselves. Not only that, but you have also learned and grown though your experience, and you are still able to see beauty in life (even if it is only some of the times). That too is not something everyone does.
I don't think it matters what other people think and I don't really believe in the right to judge others. I don't really believe people can safely "control" their emotions either, but that's a different story. What matters most is what you believe and how you act upon your belief. However if it means something to you, I do not think you are wrong and I believe that it is over. I believe you have the strength to move on into a bigger brighter future.
Your experience in this chapter of your life will help you open your eyes to things you could not have seen otherwise. For example, if you are ever in such a situation again, or if it's a similar situation but the roles randomized. It's hard to tell when you're still in the middle of everything, but as time passes, you'll be able to take a more objective view of your past and better see the flow of events that make you who you are.
There is only one more thing I can say, and while it is very cliché, it is nevertheless a very important truth. Life is short. We don't really have time to mess around on this Earth, so make the most of it while you can. No one knows when or where we'll be when we're "called Home". It may be tomorrow, tonight, or fifty years from now. It will undoubtedly come too soon and perhaps before you're ready.
The point is that there is a time limit to our little stay in these earthly bodies, and while we while away the time on worry, sorrow, pain, grief, and regret; the sand is running, the clock is ticking, time is running out. Don't you want to make more memories with your friends? Don't you want to use your talent in theater to glorify God? Don't you want to reach out to unbelievers? Don't you have a football team or a friend you want to cheer on? Don't you want to make it beyond Rokyu? Don't you want to get a job and/or give back to the community? Don't you want to give your parents a hug and tell them how much you love them? There is so much to do, and so many good things that your time and energy can be spent on, certainly more than several lifetimes could achieve.
So really, I don't think we as humans have much time to waste on such trivial things as regret. So, Meg, you had bloody damn well take advantage of every minute of every day, because I don't want you to have any thoughts or wishes that you'd done more with the time you spent doing other things.
Eight months is more than enough time. It's almost a year, and we only have ~100 of those at best, too often many times fewer. Not all stages of life are the same either. You can't go back and relive your highschool prom at the age of fourty. You can't raise children at the age of ten. You can't learn to speak if you didn't within your first five years, and you can't regret loosing your hair at twenty (normally).
Right now you're in the very spring of youth, but spring is one of the swiftest seasons, often gone before taken advantage of. Please, don't waste it on regret. Experience LIFE! Get up and take a step towards things you really want to accomplish. You'll be amazed at how little steps can add up.
:) And that's all I have to say about that. :)
Thank you Shadowink. Several of my friends commented on what you said, and mentioned its some of the most coherent thought available to me right now. I have to admit, while I feel like I know you, I can't place your writing style to any of my friends, particularly since I'm not sure I know anyone who would use the phrase "bloody damn well." However, what you said really struck a chord in me, so thank you.
I'm sure you'll find out who I am eventually, but it's no big deal. You can disagree, but I feel that my comments are taken to heart better in partial anonymity. This website is about you, and given the nature of my comment, if I were to use my real name I fear it might change the focus, if ever so briefly, from you to me; which really would defeat the purpose of said advice. I wouldn't want to intrude any more than I already have.
Hope you're making the most of each day, and living life without regret. Life is short. Live it!
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