Jujitsu

I forgot to add this stuff to the post I put up about an hour ago.

If any of you don't know, I have been taking a bit of a break from Jujitsu lately. I have come up with a myriad of reasons, none of which seem to hit 100% on the spot about why exactly I have left.

I've had joint problems... I've been busy with work... I've been trying to find a focus for jujitsu... I've had trouble keeping my emotions off the mat... I've been on the mat wondering and longing for 9:30 to come so I can leave... I can't deal with Barb... "Its interpersonal, so we can just have you not work with that person" (Barb's psychoanalysis of me)... I can't be pushed to do things... I can't take the challenge... I am simply cursed by starting things and then quitting. (Ex, 1 day of gymnastics, 1 month of horseback riding, 9 months of clarinet, 3 years of piano... nothing I really stuck with enough to be very proficient.)

None of those ideas are the real reason. I don't know the real reason. But I remember once hearing about some former students of Barb's who left under less desirable circumstances. I remember Andrew telling me that it takes a special kind of person not to quit after Rokyu because of personality differences in the dojo, a special kind of patience. I remember thinking that I wanted to be one of those people who had that kind of patience.

Yesterday was the involvement fair. I went, not to hang out with the people, and not to do jujitsu, but to help recruit freshmen who might want to join. And I did. I talked to a lot of people, and it was really good. Working at Nordstrom has made me more comfortable pitching a sale... even though I don't really pitch anything at the Ebar, I guess its just the personal contact or something.

Anyway... It was good seeing everyone. Seeing them work out made me feel out of shape. But seeing Barb gave me a strange sensation. I'm not one of her star students anymore. I felt like I somehow mattered less to her because I haven't had the heart/desire to work out. I know you'll probably tell me it was in my mind, but maybe it was. Barb gets in my mind a lot. Senseis do that sometimes. It wasn't anything she said, it was the energy she gave off. I guess I can understand... I don't mean to do this, but in rebelling against jujitsu, I am in a sense rebelling against her, since she is the sensei. She loses a lot of people a year who simply give up on jujitsu, and I guess when you've done it as long as she has, its hard not to take it personally. Jujitsu is her life, and she doesn't understand why someone wouldn't want to make it their life as well.

Yesterday, I had mixed feelings. I realized that, as much as I want to go back, its going to be a lot harder than I originally thought. I'll do it, eventually, but it will be tough. It might be just as hard to do as it was for me to get involved with my youth group. Not that any of you reading now know anything about how I felt that many years ago. But... yeah.

I'm kind of nervous about the future. I think that I'm changing. I'm starting to know a little more what I want and what I don't want. And I guess if I'm still Barb's student when the time comes for me to want a certain something that I have in mind, she's not going to agree with me. I hope she agrees to disagree.

EDIT: I wrote this before the jujitsu class I was skipping ended. When it ended, some of the people who were there came and complained to me (and Anissa who also skipped). Apparently there are people who are going to class who are feeling similar to how I feel (except for the fact that I can't seem to put my finger on a definitive point). Anyway, it apparently was a particularly bad class (by bad I mean Barb was prickly) which made me glad I skipped and glad that my brother wasn't there (it would have been his first night and he would have been turned off by it).