Simple math for stupid drivers

Since I am in my first year of unsupervised driving, I am one of the few New Jersey motorists who has actually read the most up-to-date driving manual, a handy little booklet that states the laws of the road, the breaking of which can lead to fines which are also stated in said booklet.

It is all very scientific and easy, yes, I did just use "scientific" and "easy" to describe the same subject.

Rule 1. Car A is stopped at a red light. Car B is stopped at a red light. Cars A and B lie on the same line, in the same plane, but are facing in exactly opposite directions. The lights change, and both cars proceed into the intersection. At this point the math looks like this: Car A = Car B. However, Car A intends to turn left while Car B intends to go straight. This means that according to the driving manual, Car B > Car A, and gets "right of way." Car A also intends to turn left without signaling said intentions. This means that Car A should drive off a cliff. (Car A = die, moron)

Rule 2. The posted speed limit is X mph. This does not mean you should drive at (X + 10) mph. This also means that I will be going at X mph. This also means that when you are driving behind me, your speed ≤ X mph. You can not drive through me due to the Pauli Exclusion Principle (thanks D.C.!), but that's more complicated math which most drivers I have shared the road with are too stupid to understand.

Rule 3. If I am driving X mph, you must stay a safe distance away from me. "Safe distance" can be properly defined as (X ÷ 10) car-lengths away (average car-length is about 13.12 feet). Because a car > 12 inches in length, 12 inches ≠ safe distance unless X = .76 mph. To quote a bumper sticker I once saw, "get off my rear unless you are a hemorrhoid." Although if you are marking up a $15,000 vehicle with a $3 tasteless bumper sticker that allows hemorrhoids to remain on your rear, you are probably also a stupid NJ driver.

Rule 4. Driving is not a thrill ride for me. In fact, its not even close. Therefore, I will not allow it to be a thrill ride for anyone driving behind me either. If you tailgate for 15 minutes straight and do not even think about passing even when you have several opportunities, I will feel no remorse at choosing to remain within the limits of the law and NOT driving at X + 10 mph.

I think thats enough math for the day. Perhaps I will add more rules as I feel led, but in case there are any "stupid NJ drivers" who happen to come across this on the internet, I will refrain from overwhelming them with rules explained by simple math.

Disclaimer: 3/4 of this blog post was about speed. I do not intend to suggest that people should drive like a geezer and hold up a lot of traffic, nor do I regularly do this, or drive slowly to incite road rage. Its been said that the "safest speed is the speed of traffic," and I try to keep (X ± my speed) balanced between the speed of traffic and the frequency of police cars in the town in which I am driving, so that my wallet ≠ 0,-0 (or wallet > 0, for those who are picky about mathematical correctness) and so that the number of points on my license = 0.