I can't sleep

I've been trying to sleep for quite some time now, and I'm still very alert. So, I have decided to write now what I had been planning to put off until tomorrow or the next day or never.

Its kind of a question about where my spiritual life is right now. Sometimes I feel that I may have taken God out of the "God" spot in my life, and put some other little god in His place. Other times I am angry with God for not being as fulfilling as other aspects of my life. Isn't God supposed to be satisfying? Sometimes its as simple as feeling that I'm no longer clean, that I stopped following God and started playing in the pigpen. And other times its as complicated as saying that I've been taken hostage in the enemy camp, that its not my fault I'm not with God and am trying hard to get back home.

All of these feelings revolve around a particular series of events in my life, and things have been slowly deteriorating over the years. A few years ago, I never would have dreamed that a parable about the Christian journey would shake me so much and make me question my eternity.

Twila Paris:

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

^ Who I was a few years ago ^

(Chorus)
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

^ Who I am now ^