Hormonal much?

I enjoyed my cousin's wedding immensely. It made me think about how much fun my own will be someday. But today I looked at pictures of another friend's wedding, and I felt this strange feeling of dread and annoyance creep over me. I have decided to go all Dr. Cox on tradition's a$$.

~ The cake cutting ceremony is dumb, just cut the cake already, don't smear it on each other's faces. In fact, serve ice cream. It tastes better and doesn't require a ceremony.
~ And the dancing... I'm not crazy about loud music, flashing lights, and crowds of people. If I have a reception, I'll be miserable. And ugh, white people. Learn to dance, ok?
~ And quit throwing flowers at the single women. Its quite obvious they no longer feel pressured to catch the bouquet because they no longer feel pressured to marry. In fact, at my OTHER cousin's wedding, I was the only one who didn't dodge the bouquet. Women in this century are capable of being self sufficient without a groom or a bouquet of flowers promising a groom.
~ "Considerate" confetti throwing. Confetti is hard to clean up. Some weddings have guests blowing bubbles at the bride and groom. Others throw birdseed because "rice makes birds explode." Well it doesn't, that's a myth, and anyway who cares? At my wedding, my guests better throw exploding birds at me, because that would be way cooler than millet and sunflower seeds. Or if I happen to get married in a state where its legal, I think giving each guest a sparkler would be cool. Mostly because its burning and releasing carbon into the atmosphere.
~ There's no need for a speech at a wedding, from anyone, except maybe the happy couple, to say thanks for coming, now get out of here because we only rented the VFW hall for 2 hours. Fathers of the bride or groom are too emotional and the best man usually tells stories the groom ends up hating him for. Just tell everyone to shut up, sit down, and enjoy the food.
~ Definitely keep the garter tradition. Having the groom slide his hand that far up the bride's dress was WAAAY ahead of the times when the tradition was begun. Now that the tradition has caught up to the sexiness portrayed in the movies, people suddenly feel modest and try to skip it. No way! Touch her there! Let us all see it! Thats what we go to the movies for anyway. And while you're at it, let the guy who catches the garter put it on the lady of his choice (since we've outlawed the whole throwing-bouquets-at-single-women tradition).
~Bachelor/Bachelorette parties/bridal showers. A dumb excuse to throw a party before the actual party (reception). Also a dumb excuse to ruin a good relationship with the inclusion of a stripper.
~ Superstitions regarding luck... Just to prove everyone wrong, I'm going to choose the unluckiest month, day, and hour. I'm going to have a black cat as my ring bearer, and instead of breaking the glass, I'm going to break a mirror.
~ Ringing the bells signalling the bride and groom to kiss. Ok, they are not dogs that have been trained to perform tricks. I'm not going to submit myself to PDA at the whim of a guest I haven't seen all year. I'll kiss my new husband whenever I darn well please.

Alright I think the rant is over now. I will now go back to enjoying weddings again, and dreaming up my own as I've done since I was 7.