Out with it

I haven't been specific about the details of my life on here lately. To be honest, the details don't matter too much anymore. Well, I guess they do but they are sort of in the past, so I don't feel the need to share them. What I guess is more important to share here is that after more than 4 years, I am single again, but it was a "lose a boyfriend, gain a friend" kind of a situation. Will this affect my ability to date in the future? I don't know. Do I care? Not much. I have discovered I really like being single. Is that statement a coping mechanism? Maybe.

Someone recently pointed out to me that it is in my nature to rebel against the way things are. When people expect a certain thing from me, I head in the opposite direction. Mom is anxious for grandkids, so I have a mental block against children, and when we are out in public together, I don't even see them. In the grocery store, mom started cooing over a baby, which I didn't even notice until I heard her baby-talk, despite the kid being strapped face-out and eye-level on his mother's front. Does this mean I would want kids if my mom didn't obsess over them? I don't think so. But I do think that some part of me revels in antagonizing the situation.

While in Michigan, I rediscovered what it is like to be surrounded by a strict Baptist community. I went to a Baptist school when I was younger, and a Baptist church, so I was no stranger to it, but it has been years since I have been so immersed in that culture. Yes, it is a completely different culture.

I like wearing skirts, and I brought 6 with me when I was packing for my trip. But on the day I knew I would be surrounded by skirt-wearing, God-filled, Bible-believing Christians who have very much the same beliefs as I do, I felt compelled to provide an unspoken reminder to myself of the things on which I differ from them. I do not feel it is ungodly for women to wear pants, and on that day, no abyss-dwelling monster could have convinced me to put on a skirt. It sounds like a silly little thing, but I find I sometimes rebel against the way things are. I support things I wouldn’t normally support, only because I want to present a different opinion to the world.

So when a handful of people began suggesting eligible men I could date, and when a handful of others suggested that maybe I'll get back together with him, am I being a rebel, or trying to antagonize them by enjoying my singlehood? I have had the thought that so many people expect to find their other half, that perfect match, and many do. But why go through life incomplete until that person arrives? Why is an unmarried person seen as incomplete and needing "remedy"? Its possible to go through life unmatched and alone and happy, and in some ways, I think I want to prove that to the world.

Honestly, I am a bit tired of it all. I am excited to be able to live for me, and make choices without having to think about how it might affect "our" relationship or "our" future. Above all, I don't believe in finding your other half. I think people should be whole, complete individuals who don't have to be attached to someone else to be complete, but are free to choose that if the situation arises. But could this be my way of telling myself the situation is better this way? Like the person who doesn't get into the school they applied for and finds consolation by saying the school was too expensive anyway, or too far away anyway.

My brain is a tricky thing to figure out; good luck to the next guy who tries. I haven't figured it out yet, myself.