Romance

I have been thinking a bit about my life, and my goals, and my plans for the future. I've discovered I have very few plans for the future (keep in mind, plans are different from wants). In actuality, I have always lived my life expecting that at any moment, God could say, "My plan for you is that you be in XYZ location, doing UVW." And that at any moment, God could move me somewhere else. Not because I believe that God is fickle and prone to the random uprooting of his subjects, but because I believe that God's plan is greater than anything I could dream up, and the intricacies of being in the right place at the right time are beyond my capabilities.

Is this an indication of complete trust in God? Maybe. Its also possible that I simply dislike decisions and it is easier to want something than to try and figure out how to get to it. In relationships, I have been trying to figure out my plans and wants. I'm not even sure what I want anymore.

When I was 16, I began an intimate romance with the Lord. I suppose all teenagers have the same perceptions of love; this one was just like any teenage romance: love notes and flowers and pink happy clouds and living in a bubble. After a while, I actually got sick of it, like a kid with too much Halloween candy. I asked God to stop romancing me, I couldn't take the saccharine-sweet feeling of all those happy clouds.

If this all sounds weird, I suppose you could say it was like the story of the Israelites who wanted a king. God said, "No, I am your King" but all their neighbors had kings and the Israelites wanted one too, so God gave them one. God gave me what I wanted.

Lots of stuff happened between me and God after that, ups and downs that have no bearing on the story I'm telling at present. What I'm getting at is that back then, when I was 16, God taught me what to look for in a guy by being my first love himself. What I got was a guy who wrote me poems, brought me flowers and gifts, and could not find an end to his expressions of love for me. Which was a great thing to have for a first romance (earthly romance). But I am not a teenager anymore, and I have changed a LOT these past ten years.

I need God to romance me again, to teach me what to look for now in a man, because what I need now will be different from what I needed at 16. To tie this into my previous post, I believe this will make me a whole, complete individual that I can someday, if the circumstances are right, attach myself to another whole, complete individual (or not, it doesn't matter as long as I find wholeness in God).

Yes, this is all stemming from a sermon I heard, but these are my own thoughts, not the pastor's. And God has already begun his work. : )