I've had a few things on my mind the past few days, and a good portion of them have to do with relationships. I'll get to them, but for the sake of flow, I'll write the non-relationship story first.
As you know, I've been on a higher-calorie diet, trying to put a few pounds on. Although I have gained and lost and gained again and lost again, I am currently 3.5 pounds heavier than when I started in early January. Some of weight gain may be in ab muscle, since I've been doing yoga and pilates as well. I generally dislike the carbs that will help me gain, and I love nuts, proteins, and vegetable nutrients. So, I've adjusted my food plan so that I am gaining some weight in fat and some in muscle, while simultaneously raising my metabolism a little so I feel warmer during the day as well. It has helped. Although taking a snow-bathing-suit picture was still pretty darn cold. I still have bruises from that day too. I've learned that I have probably been pretty malnourished for a while. Since I began eating more calories, my fingernails grow faster, my face is clearer, I feel healthier, and I have virtually no menstrual cramps. And here I had no idea I was starving myself. Still... its been a struggle to gain more than 3.5 pounds and keep it on. Its like my body doesn't want to do it.
Ok, on to the relationship stuff. The two churches I attend with any form of regularity are both doing a relationship series. It is interesting to compare the two. I'm still not sure exactly what point the one church is trying to make. I believe it has to do with "becoming a better you" so you can become Mr. or Mrs. Right for someone. The other one has a lot to do with the ways men and women communicate or fail to communicate. To be honest, the first church is sort of "relationship advice for guys and gals" while the second church is "relationship advice for men and women." I feel I sort of relate to the second one a bit better, but the first one has its merits.
I recently read a friend's blog about traveling to Vermont with 23 youth group kids for a ski retreat. Her husband is the youth pastor, and although she takes a less active role in the church than she used to, she still gets involved with the kids and attends the winter retreats. Her photos looked like everyone, even the adults, had a lot of fun. I remembered the days when I used to chaperone on winter retreats for my home church. It was a lot of fun, and yes, the adults have their own camaraderie going on that the kids probably never notice. I sort of miss that kind of thing, but would also like someone to join me in that. In fact, I might miss church relationships in general... it might be time for me to get involved again with a church, although which one, I am not sure.
I also have been the recipient of an unexpected friendship. I say recipient because I am a golden-retriever personality type in the Smalley Personality Test. A golden retriever is someone who is extremely loyal, to the point of death, to a relationship she has chosen. However, a golden retriever cannot be forced into a relationship. They will never turn and bite because they have such good temperaments, but you cannot force them to love you. So, I have received friendship from someone who I am reluctant to give back to. Part of me feels bad, and the other part of me says, "I don't care, you can't make me, I won't do it." I can be quite stubborn like that. When I was in high school, this way of thinking would have been fine, just a part of my personality. But now that I am older, I feel that I am being immature. I should lay more boundaries in this friendship, but I hate conflict (another golden retriever quality) and so I avoid it. Am I misleading this person into thinking our friendship is a great one? Or can they read the non-verbal signs I am giving (such as the total non-interest in hanging out, complete lack of enthusiasm for the moments we do hang out, and the refusal to speak the same language)?
Going back to the church discussion of relationships, our homework last week was to write a letter of respect to one guy in our lives. (Guys were supposed to give 45 minutes of their time to a woman by listening to her talk). I really struggled with my homework, and actually, I didn't do it. Although I feel respect, I don't know how to verbalize it. I think that my way of expressing respect is to show love. I don't know how to simply say, "I respect you for ____."
Plus since I am not currently dating anyone, its a little iffy about who the recipient of this letter should be. Married folks were to do their homework for their spouse, and dating people presumably would do that for their significant other, especially if the relationship is struggling. But me... I don't know. The apostle Paul says it is better not to marry, but I feel that singlehood is just as complicated and confusing as marriage.
I am inclined to agree with the church that says men and women speak different languages, rather than the church that says, "You're single because you have baggage." I'd like to speak from personal experience, the one time in my life when I was struggling with baggage was when I found a really great guy and he dated me despite the baggage. I have since let go of that baggage, have none, and am now single. So poo on you, crazy church.
(Headed there as soon as I publish this, for some unknown reason.)
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