Well, I feel the need to write tonight. But no real inspiration is coming.
Our hot water heater broke and spilled 1/4" of water across the basement floor. And we don't really have a small basement either. So that's lovely. My uncle the plumber didn't come today, so I just took a 50F shower (we have a digital thermometer- I checked to see). It was a little bit warmer than my heart.
Special blessings on my big "brother" who got engaged last night. I'm very excited for you, and I feel bad that my emotions don't show through the mask that most people call my face.
Yes, you read that right. Mask. I don't know why, except that maybe it is because spring is coming. Of all the bittersweet memories in my life, I'd say a good 90% of them occurred in the spring. Although, Damn Yankees occured in the spring too, and that's far from bittersweet. And there are a few other things that are good about spring, but for the most part, I don't like opening up all those wounds again.
And, I'm at the age where all of my friends are getting engaged. I'm not going to say any names, 'cause one or two of them are quite recent. I'll let them tell you if they want you to know. And it opens up some more wounds in me; as happy as I am for them, I'm masking my own pain. No wonder I'm a theater major. I do this so well. I guess this blog is one of the worst (or the best) things I could have done to myself, because now my friends know I'm not exactly the person they see.
I had a convo with a friend the other day. It was about God, and how I'm sort of impatient with Him, and how I'm not really trying very hard right now when it comes to really knowing Him. Here's one of the things this person said to me:
don't wait on (God) because you want an answer for something but wait on (God) because you want to know him more and to have greater intimacy with him
And it got me thinking. Intimacy with God is what my church teaches we are supposed to be striving for. And a few years ago, I could have taught a class on intimacy with God. But I got sick of it. It sounds weird, but I guess I hit a point where I got tired of the "I love you's." I guess we said I love you so often that it sort of lost its meaning for me. That's funny 'cause the same thing happened between Kevin and me. I've lost the meaning of I love you, and now, I can't figure out if I'm pining for Kevin or for God. Most likely both. My relationship with God has changed as well as my relationship with Kevin. And now, the sun seems to have gotten a little bit dimmer, and flowers aren't as cheerful, grass isn't as green, no matter whose side of the fence its on.
Maybe I had too much hinged on my relationship with Kevin. But its my belief that one can never have too much hinged on a relationship with God. And now that both relationships are... whatever they are... I'm feeling down about placing so much stock in them.
Yeah, so I'm not sure if this entry made sense, even to me, so I guess that means, Shut Up Meg And Go To Bed. Goodnight.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
so cold...
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6 comments:
last i checked you still have one or two friends who arent engaged, and by the way love is a very confusing thing. once it is torn from your heart its meaning can become distorted, causing pain so as never to want to love again. well at least God hasnt ripped out my inner being recently, just the people he created. catch u later
"and by the way love is a very confusing thing."
Ain't that the truth...
"well at least God hasnt ripped out my inner being recently, just the people he created."
God ripped the people he created out of you? I'm confused. Actually, I am confused a lot. Maybe its because I'm short on sleep.
Far be it from me to say anything about God, persay, but I'm certainly an expert on the cynical nature of "I love you." That phrase is so overused, that when someone actually means it, it's something bordering on religious.
So...I guess there's a God connection.
We should talk sometime soon.
~Ivan
We all wear or own masks. Everyone has secrets that they are embarrassed about or ashamed of. With bricks of white lies and pleasantries slapped together with the mortar of pride and with a heavy coat of paint of smiles and good nature, we wall our inner most vulnerable parts of ourselves from the rest of the world. So, know that you are not alone in this. The very smiling faces you see every day are a mask over something far deeper and more complex.
As for the certain catch phrase, "I love you." I am not entirely sure that a phrase like that has any meaning at all. The reason being there are different degrees of love. A person can love many things. He can love his parents (already two things), his dog, his car, wind surfing, his hair, money, his God, himself, etc. If he can be said to love all of these things, who can dispute it?
One might argue that actions speak louder than words. That if he truly loved something he would take certain actions to show it. However humans do not possess infinite time, energy, and resources, and perhaps it is because of this one must prioritize what one loves, and make an order in which the people and things one loves fall in one's life. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care for everything in this list, just that he cares for other things more.
Usually, in most people, the thing they love the most is themselves. If it's not first, it's pretty damn close. So even if this person says, "I love you" and means it, it doesn't mean he would hesitate for a second to trade your happiness for his. If he says, "I love you more than life itself..." and means it... well that's another matter entirely.
This illustration is at the same time too simple, and too complicated. I don't mean to boil all of the fun out of romance and relationships. There is much more to it than comparing things because some things truly are "priceless" and could never be compared quantitatively to something else.
A simpler way of looking at it is, "Actions speak louder than words." If his/her actions are contrary to his/her words, be wary. If not, then be less cautious.
It might be boiled down even simpler if you don't even bother concerning yourself about what this person thinks. Rather, ask yourself how YOU feel about him/her. Forget the words, "I love you." and search yourself for what you yourself feel, and let your actions speak on that. Three words should not change how you feel about a person unless perhaps you're in a crowded restaurant and the words shouted are: "Suck my d*ck!" Even then some hearts find it in themselves to forgive.
Oh yeah... and one more thing. Engagements aren't some eliete club that people should feel obligated to join because "everyone else is doing it." One of the best reasons being of course because NOT everyone is doing it.
There are pleanty of people who are out of college and single. You'll have many opportunities to meet many more young single people your age. It will be your fault if you miss making a connection because you think the best years of your life are over. Just take it from someone older (if not wiser or more experienced) than you: The best is yet to come.
Sorry for the multiple posts, but no one seems to be responding. :p I have quickly realized that up to date readers of this blog will never read my very long comment on this out-of-date topic. Thus my personal point of view may only be found by the most thurough of readers who have nothing better to do than periodically pour over the archives in hopes of digging up new insights into this person or life in general. Or by the newfangled reader, who has nothing better to do in life than to start reading from the beginning and make it to "so cold..." before giving up. Thus for the most part, these three posts are for me, and if you're reading it, then I guess you're part of an elite few that knows of its existance. Still, I did want to add something meaningful to my previous post, and it is this. Perhaps "love," unconditional love, is in a different relm from "like" or "admire" or the "love" we fling about like a by-word. Perhaps there is no comparing this "love" with any other "love" or any other person, place, or thing. Perhaps love just is. Pure and unconditional. No matter what. But here's the ironic part. If Unconditional Love is in a higher plane of consiousness than normal emotions, then isn't it a real posibility to be angry with, jealous of, or down right dislike someone one loves from time to time? The only difference is that we would forgive them whatever they did to hurt us and cause such negative emotions, but that doesn't mean that they can't invoke them.I guess that's why people find it so hard to live with/without someone of the opposite sex... unless I guess you're homosexual.
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