what??

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

I learned something today about being single. It makes you more susceptible to chick-flicks.

I watched Moulin Rouge today. I guess I should have suspected something a few weeks ago when I watched Titanic and had that tremendously sappy post to put here right after it. But of course that's only hindsight. I didn't notice it the first time I saw Moulin Rouge (nor did I get sentimental) but I realized why (despite the apparant raunch that sent my mom out of the room) that movie is MY movie. I believe that it, in a sense, captures acting as it really is: every actor creating drama for themselves, whether on stage or off. This can be a good thing, and a bad thing. Good because creation is good, and because feeling emotion brings you to life. Bad because someone is always lying. Satine lies to the Duke and says she loves him, or she lies to Christian and says she doesn't love him, the whole time lying to the world because it doesn't matter who she loves when she's lying dead on the stage. No pun intended. The tango with the narcoleptic Argentine seemed to say it all: don't fall in love with the prostitute. But there's another aspect they missed. Don't fall in love with the actress, because you won't ever be sure its really love.

I'm sure that doesn't help my chances of not being single... not that it matters to me at the moment. I'm making myself depressed. I'm typing this and at the same time I am having an im conversation, cheerfully joking about Valentine's Day. Which part of me is acting now? Am I lying to myself by writing such depressing thoughts? Or am I lying to my friends by being cheerful?

I suppose anyone who has seen Moulin Rouge will understand why I'm so torn up about it. I've lived it, getting caught up in my emotions and not knowing whether I'm acting or really experiencing it. Why I cried in the end, not because I'm emotional per se, but because the events on the screen tied my heart up in knots and created physical pain like a rock in my chest.

And I had more to say, but it seems to have escaped. If this blog is supposed to reveal a little glimpse into my inner life, I'd say the window is pretty spic and span right now. I think the view is usually much more clouded, and I suppose I've surprised even myself. It won't last long though. Look at that, the window is closing and the curtain is going down... goodnight.

ps... i have no idea why i'm up this late.