letting the leash out a little

I normally keep my mind occupied because I know sometimes it can be dangerous letting it run loose. Tonight I'm going all over the place... though I do have a leash. Its going to be the first blog entry in a while that really goes deep inside me.

Someone suggested to me that I'm not over him yet. Which I disagree with. But she's entitled to her opinion. I just don't think that she is basing her opinion on fact, because, she doesn't have all the facts, because I have some inside me that no one knows about.

I've never known a greater pain than when we broke up. I was suddenly empty, like having my arm cut off. We'd been together so long that I couldn't remember a time when he wasn't there. But when arms are cut off, there's usually a reason, such as infection beyond repair. I know there is a reason we were together, and a reason we're not now. And the only pain I have is in my memories. There's no more pain in my heart. Only fear of more pain, which is why I'm trying to protect myself. So in that sense, no. I'm over the pain of losing him, but not the fear of losing him. Or someone like him.

I've said all that before I think, right here in my blog. And I've mentioned Momiji, the character from FruitsBasket, whose mother had her memories erased, and who said that even his bad memories were worth keeping because they influenced his life. Of all possible outcomes that I could have relating to him, the one thing I don't want is for me to waste all the knowledge I gained by dating him. And I realized that tonight. And that made me realize that right now, as is, I'm wasting some of the knowledge. And so, there are things I have to do and people I have to talk to, because not doing that is like erasing my memory of it ever happening. And I can't do that because its like the country song where the girl keeps a box of memories of all the guys she's dated not because she isn't satisfied with the current guy but because they each helped shape her into who she is today and she has to remember all the trials and triumphs and mistakes involved in getting her to where she is.

So, I'm sorry we don't talk anymore because you(1) helped me get to where I am, and we learned together and I hope you got something out of it too. And I won't try to erase your(1) memory. And, after your(2) test tomorrow, we should talk. Its nothing you(2) would consider bad. But I don't want to waste this knowledge I've been given. It elimitates the pain and joy I went through to get it, and it deprives you(2) of something special too. So... lets talk sometime. I think we'll be glad we did.

Sigh, on a new topic, when you're feeling a little down, there's nothing like a kitten to come and chew on your shirt and cheer you up.