sigh

I'm not feeling so great. Physically I'm mending from a cold or allergies or sinus infection or whatever it was, I'm mending from jujitsu and dance, in which I feel like my body is just going to fall apart most of the time, and I'm mending from feminine crap. You know... sorry guys who read this but this is my blog and I'm not in the mood to censor it. Being female can be such an annoyance sometimes. I did the Tour de Rutgers on Sunday with my period and cramps. It was an enjoyable bike ride, it would have been twice as good if I didn't have a constant reminder that I'm female and of child-bearing age.

But I really wanted to write about inside. I'm not feeling so great in there. My self esteem has dropped for some reason. I don't know why. I don't respect myself anymore. In group settings, I've been closing myself off. But when I'm alone, its too quiet in the room. I have to have my music on a lot, so I won't convince myself of something that isn't true just by thinking.

I've wondered if its not just me, being worn down by school. I've been taking classes since the end of January, with the exception of two weeks in May and two weeks in August. For a breif minute the other day, I wished I would develop mono, so I could take the semester off, and spend a lot of time lying in bed figuring my life out. Or maybe its figuring out why God has me here. Or getting things straight with Him.

And then for a brief moment today, I thought about all those people I learned about in General Psych, who one day, just got up and left town, moved to another place hundreds of miles away and lived for a few months under another identity. For a minute, I envied them. I wouldn't want to be gone forever though... and that's the thing about these people. They leave, but something like 98% of them come back within a year.

Don't anybody get worried. These are all passing thoughts. Its nothing I would seriously consider. Its just that sometimes... its an appealing thought.