I just keep posting...

I feel like I've posted a lot of stuff lately, but maybe no more than I used to. I know recently I've been pretty silent because of work and school...

But I feel like I can't really adequately express myself anymore. Here I am, at almost 3 am, when I should be resting so I can get up for church in the morning, and I can't seem to make my mind turn off.

I was thinking today how long its been since I sat down and watched a Lord of the Rings movie. The friends I had before leaving for college used to talk about having a LOTR marathon, where we'd watch all three movies back to back. We never really worked up the courage to do it. My college friends aren't that geeky, no matter what they say. Or maybe it was something else besides the geek factor that was so attractive. Maybe it had something to do with adventure, being part of a story that goes beyond the edge of the Shire, striving in a distant land to preserve everything you love about that land back home. Is it something about me that's changed? Or is it the new friendship dynamics now that those former friends and I have moved on?

I feel out of place at home, but I am not sure that moving anywhere else would help. I have discovered that I am the most "down" on my days off, on those rare moments when I have some days off. I sleep in, read, and generally stay in my room unless Steve is coming to visit. I don't like to be sociable, I don't even use the computer much. I had Thursday off, worked Friday, and have Saturday, Sunday, Monday off. While I know I need the time to sleep in, I am sort of dreading it. I will become moody and unproductive.

Taylor and Anissa are two pretty close friends of mine, and I don't see them much anymore. I heard once that a person should never marry their best friend because best friends change. We choose our friends as we need them in our lives. I hope that I will always need Anissa and Taylor.

I wonder how my story is going to unfold. Am I on the right path? Am I choosing the right things and walking with the right people? What if God is telling me I need to be somewhere else and I just can't hear Him because I haven't been able to hear God speak in so long that now, when everyone else is yelling things at me too, I can't hear Him over the crowd? Is that why Gideon put out a fleece? Or was Gideon just a coward, hoping God wouldn't answer him with something miraculous? What if Gideon was afraid of change?

Sitting here, blowing bubbles with the party favor from the last wedding I attended, I can't help but notice that the bubbles are always so pretty, the bubbles always go down, and the bubbles always pop. I wonder which wedding that was, and how whomever is doing with whatshisname. And I hope no one ever remembers my wedding like that.