The eye-candy blog

I have to get this off my chest. Its been turning around and stirring inside me for a while and I'm ready to let it out.

Twilight fans are to be pitied for their delusions. They are not deluded because the forbidden romance is an overworked plot line, nor because said romance is with a vampire, also a tired element. Its not even because of the Romeo-and-Juliet-esque element of vampire families fighting amongst each other and involving humans, sacrificial love, and werewolf families (already a great story called Underworld). Can we all just make this simple and agree that the plot is overdone and worn out so that I can move on to the point?

Twilight fans, poor creatures, have been tricked into believing that Robert Pattinson is hot.

Even with stage make-up, Robert Pattinson does not hold a candle to anyone in the hotness department. His character is not even hot. His character is a whiny vampire (who sparkles in the sunlight!) who can't decide whether to eat his prey or have sex with her, so he resorts to the next-best option of stalking. Vampires throughout literature have been faced with this tough decision, but none have harped on it so annoyingly.

Feel free to compare and contrast:

Sulky vampire with greasy hair. He didn't even bother to comb, wash his hair, or shave. His eyebrows need plucking, and he doesn't look mean or menacing, he just looks like a teenager whose mother is about to wash behind his ears.


Even when he is not his vampire character, he doesn't bother to shave or take care of his hair.


Compare that with these:

Granted, this actor let himself go and now he has more hair above the shoulders than Robert Pattinson has on his body. But when he was actually in character as the romantic lead, he proved that a character can be flawed and still hot, and no one wondered what on earth was wrong with the girl for liking him, despite being strung-out-on-drugs, losing a career, and being arrested in Mexico.


Ok the actor is good looking, and throughout this series, his character cleans up well, protects others, and puts faith in the female lead as an equal in the fighting arena. But I really just put this picture in here because his talking car is beautiful and has Val Kilmer's voice.


Wears a suit, is clean-shaven, has short hair and no eyebrows, although that could be because this character is always blowing things up. Also a good leader and like Mike above, trusts the female lead to fight at his side rather than screaming and fainting.


And of course, this blog isn't complete without a photo of a real vampire, who was so bad and scary they had to lock him up, yet still had tremendous appeal as a romantic lead. Notice he is clean-shaven, and is not as gaunt as Twilight's whiny sparkly vampires.


Alright, I'll admit, dissing Twilight is really just an excuse for me to Google ridiculously good-looking actors, none of whom appear in the Twilight movies.

But in reality there has been something bothering me. I have begun to feel lately that Hollywood is lying to humanity about relationships. People in the movies have love at first sight, humorous but slightly embarrassing relatives, a snag in the relationship that is conquered by true love, and a happy ending to every story. If I asked 100 people to name the first movie that popped into their heads that fits all those elements, I would have 100 different answers. But if I asked those same people to tell me a true story that actually happened that fits those plot elements, I may get one story in response.

However, if I were to ask those 100 people if they would like to date someone who, when faced with any tough decision, choose to pout and whine about the decision, sit in a corner for a while, and take emotional cues from James Dean, the answer would be no, no, a hundred thousand times no. Unless he also sings like James Dean, which to my knowledge, Robert Pattinson's character does not.

This type of reaction to conflict is not mature. Why on earth Hollywood is trying to teach us that we should try and date immature men is beyond me. Additionally, the Twilight series teaches young girls a number of misconceptions: 1) True love can be found in high school in a matter of days. 2) If you believe it is true love, then even if he dumps you, he's destined to get back together with you regardless of any other potential suitors in your life. 3) You will never have to choose between your true love who dumped you and the far better options in your life; you can have your cake and eat it too, and they will both be ok with that.

For a somewhat more hilarious take on the Twilight story, please see this article, which exposes some of the male-chauvinist concepts presented by the story's elements:
http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/ <- LANGUAGE AND GORE WARNING

For a look at what happens when you put a sparkly vampire into a tough neighborhood where women actually have backbones and know what to do with a stalker vampire, please check out this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM

Not only does the video expose just how wrong it is to stalk someone, but it shows that no one can surpass Joss Whedon's vampire world. Bram Stoker invented vampires, Anne Rice made them relevant, Joss Whedon made them awesome, and all later vampire stories are an attempt to destroy a great genre.