We take pumpkin carving seriously...

Last year, Steve and I went pumpkin picking at a farm near Princeton. Unfortunately, we picked our pumpkin in the rain. It was okay though; we got a good pumpkin and carved a coyote howling at the moon. It was quite a fun experience. This year, we decided to pick a pumpkin from a more local area, as in, a near-by garden center. We got a bigger pumpkin for maybe the same price. However, it rained again, so now its tradition. Next year, we can't pick our pumpkin UNLESS it rains. If we have a drought, we're screwed, no pumpkin haha. Anyway, after many hours of sketching and debating about the design, drawing it out over the course of a few days, we finally settled on something that was to our liking.

We were finally able to open the pumpkin up and clean out the insides. Thus begins 8 1/2 hours of cleaning, pin-holing, magic-marker-outlining, carving and painting with vaseline so it will keep longer.


Had we known how long our design would take us, we would have settled for the easier and more messy design of "vomitting pumpkin."


Perhaps I will plant a garden next year and we will be able to pick pumpkins in the rain at my house.


We took a copy of our design, and poked pinholes into the skin of the pumpkin.


Steve went over it in black marker showing the parts of skin we should carve off.


Just as we are getting started. You can't tell what it is yet can you? I did that on purpose, mwah-hahaha!


What could it be? A horse's head?


A spooky ghost?


Ooh, getting closer...


Voila! In case anyone is wondering, it is a boy. Legend has it that there is no such thing as a female Phoenix.

videos and pomegranates

Does it bother anyone that pomegranates are not symmetrical fruit? They are round, so you think they are symmetrical. But the top hemisphere has a taller bump. Then you cut it open. The bottom looks like a star, and has extra seeds inside. The top just has five "pockets" or seeds, instead of being all across the top of the dome shape. Yay for asymmetry! I hate it when people are anal retentive about symmetry. Not even the human body is symmetrical. At a glance it is, of course. Two legs, two arms, one head in the center. But studies have shown that if you take a picture of a person's face and reverse it, people have a harder time recognizing themselves or others, which indicates the placement of facial features is not symmetrical. In addition, you've got the spleen on the left, the heart in the mid-left, the pancreas on the mid-right, and the liver and gall bladder on the far right. That's not symmetrical. People should just give it up. Nature didn't intend for things to be symmetrical. That would be boring.

Oh and here are some videos.
darth vader meets monty python
what i have to look forward to with my kitty Jack.

Random thoughts

1. Is it squirrel mating season? I almost hit 4 very lucky squirrels today. They chase each other in pairs across the street.

2. I wasn't so sure about working at the greenhouse, but when I was there today and was asked how I like it, I said "Its growing on me." Hehe I'm so clever.

3. Today I wore my tight jeans. I call them my tight jeans because I haven't worn them in at least a year because they are too tight. But they fit now. I guess that means my other jeans are now too big. Which is funny because now that winter is coming I have been craving carbs and fats so I can bulk up for the cold and maybe actually feel something past my knees this winter. And I have also not been doing jujitsu as often as I used to. So you'd think with less exercise and more fatty foods, my jeans would be tight still. I like these jeans so I'm happy. But bummer, that means I'm gonna be SOOOO cold this winter, if I'm losing weight now.

4. I just took one of those online quiz things that asks you questions based on what you're wearing and what your natural hair color is (I was born with black hair that lightened to dirty blond with faint strawberry blond hints and later darkened to brown before I dyed it for the first time, with henna- so I don't know my natural color). I discovered that I am a "skanky emo skater with a nice smile, beautiful eyes, hints of too much to handle, finally ending with a broken heart." Thats a mouthful. They shouldn't base stuff on your natural hair color.

5. Hypothetical situation #(whatever the last number was plus one). I haven't done a hypothetical in a while. I was thinking about something I heard the other day, about a Jujitsu sensei in the AJJF. They said that no one ever really sees him angry unless a student brings dishonor to the dojo. So one thought leads to another until I finally came up with this scenario. If a person does something that could be construed as "bringing dishonor to the dojo" but keeps it a secret from everyone except me, is it my responsibility to inform the sensei so that the deed can be properly dealt with? What about if there's one other person who knows? Do I rely on them to make the decision? What if I have been involved longer and have a better knowledge of the intricate workings of the dojo? Who am I to inflict my morals on the doer of the deed? Or is it better said, "Who am I to inflict the sensei's morals on the doer of the deed?" Does honor have anything to do with morals?

I'd be interested in getting people involved in this kind of discussion. If anyone wants to comment, feel free. Lead by doing, be the first to break the silence of my comments section.

My job.

I don't mention my job much. I thought I would share with you all so you know what's going on. I work in a greenhouse. I keep forgetting and saying "nursery" when people ask me what I do. Then they say "awwwwww" in a really high pitched voice and then I have to tell them its not kids, its plants. Some people that know me better know I would kill myself if I woke up from a coma and discovered I somehow got hired at a kid-nursery.

Anyway, daily chores involve checking the plants to see if they are dry and watering them, cleaning dead leaves out, checking for pests or disease, sweeping, and telling customers that they can't put that plant on the porch, they can't put this one in a south window, they HAVE to put that one in the south window, they can't transplant into that pot because it won't drain... etc.

Its ok... it may or may not be where I'm "supposed" to be. But I want to be employed and I don't have the energy to keep applying to places for the time being, so this is where I will be for now. The employees are divided into two camps that don't agree with each other's plant-care-style. I really don't care either way. I've learned the ropes quickly, (though there's still a ton to learn) and I've figured out when I'm with camp one, I can do it their way and when I'm with camp two I'll do it that way. Neither one really kills the plant or harms customer satisfaction.

Anyway, I only deal with indoor greenhouse plants. The outdoor guys take care of things like shrubbery, vegetable garden stuff, and mums. Not the manager, but the other three guys, would probably be best described as Dumb, Dumber, and Dumber-er. But they're kinda fun to work with.

Anyway, here you go. Some of my babies:


Bromeliad up close. EDIT: I'm wrong, this is Tillandsia. Oops.


The whole bromeliad table. EDIT: The whole bromeliad/tillandsia table.


Amaryllis. The smell from this one is gorgeous.


A type of Begonia bred for the leaves rather than the flowers. There are some other types but my camera failed to capture the sparkle in the leaves. Guess you will have to use your imagination.


Some kind of funny name like Hydroxifolia. I know there's a Y, an X, and an F in it. Its in the violet family, but much bigger.


Some kind of succulent, on our cactus table. I don't remember the name of it, but this is the flower stem, not the whole plant.


A flowering cactus. Its really cute, this whole pot is only three inches in diameter.

Well that's it. Maybe someday I'll take some broader pictures of the whole greenhouse so you can get a better idea of the thing that is now filling my early afternoons.

HAHAHAHA

I check the postsecret website religiously. One of the postcards that had been sent in said something about a person who took LSD at Disneyland. A reader responded by email to the webmaster, and he posted the response:

"My brother dropped acid at D-land and called me in hysterics after riding Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. He told me--through tears--that he was dead and had gone to Hell. The next time I went on the ride, I realized that the ride actually does end in Hell. Weird for a kiddy-ride."

I just had to laugh. It lightened my day a little, since my last blog was about an hour ago and pretty bummed out.

stupid stupid rain

A guy I once had a crush on once told me never to despise the rain because it is what gives life to all things, and the sun will come again another day. I always treasured what he said and promised myself I'd always be thankful for the rain.

However, he told me that in the spring. This is fall when everything is dying anyway and doesn't need rain to live. The only thing that needs rain to live is mold. And that's what I'm allergic to. So my nose started running as the rain started this morning. It didn't help that I spent the day in a greenhouse surrounded by pollen. I can't breathe and I have had permanent post-nasal drip all my life.

I just spent 10 minutes dry-heaving in the shower. I think I screwed up my back and gave myself pleurisy. At least I can breathe now. I just can't stand up straight. Woooooh!

...

Stupid hippies.

Weekend

So, its a better day and I can now write about my weekend.

SATURDAY

On Saturday, I drove down to New Brunswick, met Steve, and we drove together to Taylor's house for Navin's birthday party. I brought some yummy homemade pumpkin apple streusel muffins. When we got there, we headed (almost) straight for the bouncy thing, which Taylor somehow got a great affordable deal on. We spent most of the night in there, playing with Taylor's little brother Colin, who had us fighting him with our animal super powers. There were levels and a boss to defeat, an indication that perhaps he's had ten minutes too many on the video games.


Then Petals the Clown showed up. She is a friend of Taylor's family, and stopped by after work. We were all standing around talking about her job when Navin interrupted. "I just have one question." Petals asked what that was. "Can I have a sword?"


So Petals ran back to the car as fast as her floppy shoe could take her and in no time, Navin was happy.


So was Steve.


In fact, we all got some sort of a balloon toy before Petals had to go home. But no fear, the night is not complete without sparklers and a bonfire.


Of course, you can't have a party without a cookie cake either.

All in all, it was a great party. We did a little jujitsu in the bouncy thing which was fun and quite a different experience, since there's no way to keep your balance in that thing. Reflecting on the night, its great that in our early 20s, we can still have a great time at a party that would be heaven to an 8 year old. I have come to realize in the past few years that the best friends you can have are the ones that bring out your inner 8 year old. The ones that let you live life simply, the ones that can appreciate the tiny things in life, and the ones that help you truly enjoy living for the sake of living. If, at 23, I can have as much fun fighting the mutant lobsters as Colin is having, then I know I am friends with the right people.

SUNDAY

Steve and I went to a wedding in Mt Laurel NJ. Kevin and Heather are former Jujitsuka, and Kevin is a blackbelt. In our dojo, we have a tradition in which, at the wedding reception of a blackbelt, other black belts are allowed to throw the one getting married. Its usually at the discretion of the bride and groom, and how approving they think their friends and family would be of such a demonstration at a wedding. Kevin had the foresight to provide his own mat, which could possibly be a first in the history of the dojo, although I don't know; I haven't been around long enough. Kevin is also Jewish, so there were some traditional elements of a Jewish wedding, and Heather is from a Christian background, so there were traditional elements there as well. In all, it was both a traditional and non-traditional wedding. Traditional because there were so many traditions upheld, non-traditional because its kind of against conventional practice to mix multiple traditional backgrounds. But no one cared much and all enjoyed the wedding. Here are some pictures for your enjoyment.


The most adorable flower girls and ring bearer ever.


Mr. and Mrs. Kevin Schnitzer


The Kennedy family. Scott, Stacy, and the twins.


Some good-looking wedding guests.


Congratulatory throws. My camera cannot handle both an indoor setting and a sport setting all at once.


Party favors. A much better idea than the usual bag of mints. (They are candles and the ribbons say "Kevin and Heather" with the date.)


Some guest... I dunno he kept doing cute things so I would take a picture of him. I don't know who he is.


The Jewish chair dance thingie.


Kevin and Heather, the day after.


I swear, this is not Roberto Benigni.

Screw up day...

I want to write about my awesome weekend. However, I'd probably mess it up and accidentally insult someone's mother. I have messed up a bazillion times today so I am afraid to attempt screwing up an account of a great weekend.

In short, I should have come home when I originally planned (but I didn't because I was too tired to drive). If I had done that, I would not have had to wake up at 8 am. I would have been able to resist the urge to stay eight more minutes under the covers. I would not have gotten stuck in morning traffic on 287, and would not have had to drive home to get my uniform because I would already have been there. I would not have been 7 minutes late for work, and would not have left my license in my other pants (not the uniform).

After that escapade I contemplated staying home instead of going out as I had said I would this Monday, but received a phone call begging me to be there. So, I made another phone call saying I'd make it to part of it. But not all. In the end I got to that one late, for some unexplained reason of which I am not even aware. I did have my license on me by that time though. And of course leaving I screwed up and went the wrong direction.

That being said, I am NOT going to tell you about my awesome and flawless weekend (except for losing 17 cents) involving a birthday party and a Jewish wedding. I will have to save it for tomorrow.

Oh yeah. And if you didn't figure it out, I found a job, which I didn't tell you all about except perhaps individually, because it is not a victory for me, nor is it a failure. But I suppose I will save that for another day as well.

While I sleep, enjoy this.
Birdies

New Year's Resolutions a little bit early.

I am watching the movie Super-size Me. I had to stop in the middle because I'm feeling sick to my stomach over it.

Resolution 1. I want to eat nothing but home-grown salad for the rest of my life.

Resolution 2. I want to exercise more. Like every day for 4 hours.

Resolution 3. My kids will go to a school ONLY IF that school has a strict exercise program, as well as a health class at least once a week. If not, they will be homeschooled.

Resolution 4. My kids will bring a bag lunch to school. They will not bring money with them to school, because they will not be buying lunch there.

Resolution 5. Heck, I'm not having kids. They are better off and safer as eggs in my ovaries.

On a slightly more serious note...

In Christianese, there's a phrase people say to those who are struggling with something. If I have a problem, particularly a lot of worries, the phrase someone would say to me is, "Lay it down," followed by some designated location for such a struggle, such as at the foot of the Cross, at the feet of Jesus, at the throne of God, and so on and so forth. A similar concept would be the jujitsu term, "sutemi." It is an abandonment of the self, letting things go so that something better can happen.

A while back, I was struggling with something. It was a constant thing for me, every week, I would "lay it down" and ask God to take the pain away. And every Sunday (and a lot of nights in bed), crying and giving everything over to God was somehow relieving to me. And then I noticed that a few hours after all that happened, the pain would come rushing back like a boomerang and hit me in the face.

So I stopped all that, and I decided that if that crap wasn't going to stay there at God's feet then what was the point of wasting all those tears and all that time to lay it down there? For a long time I had a quite uneventful church life. It was awesome. I won't say I was "mad" at God, because I wasn't exactly mad but there were things I didn't understand and didn't have the energy to try to work it out. Kind of a lover's quarrel or something. I stayed away from church emotionally and it was great. I didn't have to deal with the changes our church went through, I didn't have to deal with the family with the crazy kids, and I didn't have to worship a God who couldn't hold onto my problems for me. I was there physically but my mind was blank. I went to the Caribbean while my body went to church.

Today though, we had a different speaker than usual, one of the elders, and the father of an elementary-school classmate of mine. The sermon was about how God is always trying to speak to us, whether we listen or not. I started thinking about some of the things I've been reading here and there that may have been God talking, if I'd been listening.

I read something just last night, that suggested maybe instead of seeing God as the Author who controls the whole story, maybe we should see God as the main character. The Gospel of John starts out with "In the beginning" just like Genesis. John takes it farther back than the beginning of the world. John talks about intimacy within the Trinity. The whole thing, then, might be about God, not us. Maybe we're just supporting actors, the ones God interacts with.

As I sat there, listening to my friend's dad preach, I was wondering what it is that God could be saying to me. I wondered why I would try to listen when I felt like He let me down, and all of a sudden a thought popped into my head. "Why do you think God let that pain come back and haunt you all those times?" I hadn't really tried to figure it out. Maybe there's a reason. Could it be that by remaining in pain caused by a certain person it will keep the topic fresh in my mind and will keep me praying for that person? Could it be that person really needs prayers right now? Could a highly talented author who once wrote "prayer gives strength to the angels to fight your demons for you" have been dead-on accurate?

As if to confirm what I was thinking, I heard a song on the radio today that had the lyrics "why would You ruin my life to show Your love?" and I thought... y'know, that's kinda how I feel. Its like the country song, "Jesus loves you, I don't." Just because I can't bring myself to care about this person anymore is no reason God doesn't care about them and its no reason I should stop praying for them; its no reason to deprive that person's angels of the strength to fight the demons in their life.

Soo... to sum things up... God never stopped talking to me, I stopped listening, and started again today. It doesn't mean everything's alright with us again, it doesn't mean I got all my questions answered or even that I understand in plain English what God's saying to me. But its a step in the right direction. Or A direction, anyway. Better than standing in the middle of the road with an upside-down map and a Polaroid camera.

Ok thats all.

My widdle black belt!

Awww, isn't he cute?? I wonder if Ma will let me keep him... hope he's housebroken.

Congratulations, Stevie!

cooking with Anissa

Last week, Anissa came to help me be sick. We made soup and it was good haha. She told me that she loved being in my kitchen. Why? Because nothing matches. The following pictures would make her mother have a stroke.

BTW, one glass is missing because its the only one of the set and its in the dishwasher. I didn't count the mason jars that we drink out of, or the mugs, or anything used for alcoholic drinks, or the 1950s style tin cups that mom just HAD to have a few years ago.


Behold, one representative from each of our 8 incomplete silverware sets! Plastic doesn't count.

Carrots, Eggs, Coffee

No, its not a new breakfast menu.

Its kind of a rant and kind of not. You see, in the past week I have discovered I can tell the difference between a cold and allergies, and my body has transitioned seamlessly from one to the other and back again. Kudos on the great teamwork, Body. You are really doing a great job making me want to shoot myself. In the past three days I have lost my appetite, five pounds, and all desire to sleep. And starting tonight, I am itchy all over my body with no visible rash or hives to prove there's a problem. I am also trying to find a job, clean up my room and my life and my mental state of mind, and sort out how much jujitsu I actually want in my life these days. Why am I telling you this?

Because tonight, I was cleaning out my email account and came across an email from my mom. The story is that the daughter went to her mom and said, "Everything in my life is going wrong. I solve one problem and another pops up." Her mother took her into the kitchen and put three pots of water on the stove. She put carrots in one pot, eggs in another, and coffee beans in the third.

After 20 minutes of boiling, the mother turned off the stove. She fished out the carrots and put them in a bowl, the eggs into a second bowl, and ladled the coffee beans into a third bowl. She asked her daughter to feel each one and tell her what had happened. The daughter asked her mother what it meant.

"Each of these items experienced the same adversity: boiling water. The hard, unrelenting carrots were made soft and limp by the water. The egg with a liquid interior became hardened inside. But the coffee beans remained the same. It was the boiling water that changed. When things get tough, be yourself. Don't change because of circumstances, but do your best to change the circumstances rather than let them dictate who you should be."

Its an interesting concept. Sometimes I think a little change is good for me, so I don't know that this is entirely accurate. But it is a curious thing to be coffee. I am not exactly sure what I should be changing my circumstances into. If my problem is that Northern New Jersey has a limited number of jobs available, how exactly do I go about changing the circumstances and adding jobs to the market? If my problem is my body isn't healthy anymore, isn't that difficult to change? My point is some circumstances aren't changeable so this email is overly ambitious. But it is good to be coffee I think. If nothing else, when you are coffee, people will depend on you to wake them up. Plus, not everyone likes eggs. Coffee, even if you hate the taste, still smells good.

Money

The dollar. Money can buy a house, but not a home. It can buy a clock, but not time. It can buy you a position, but not respect. It can buy you a bed, but not sleep. It can buy you a book but not knowledge. It can buy you medicine but not health. It can buy you blood, but not life. So you see money isn't everything, and it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you this because I am your friend and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering. So send me all your money, and I will suffer for you. After all, what are friends for?

ahh Rutgers and life in good ol' NJ

Crying when you're sick is bad. It irritates the sinuses and only makes you feel worse. Usually the only reason you are crying is because you already feel bad from being sick, so it is pointless to cry. Therefore, I should not.

I thank God every day my parents had the money to get me a degree in Theater Arts.

Next degree: a health profession, so when I get upset I can eat homemade fried oreos.

Whats the opposite of a fever?

I'm running an underfever of 97.4. I am achy and cold all over and my nose has not stopped running since I cleaned my room like a madwoman yesterday. My throat hurts from the postnasal drip. Orange juice would be yummy if only it didn't hurt so much going down. Sleeping would be fun if the room would stop pulsing when I lie down.

Maybe I should check the temperature again and see if there was a mistake. Hmm... yep. 97.7. That's still an underfever. What do you call it anyway?

9-11 memorial

On September 11, 2000, my good friend C discovered her mother had passed away in the bedroom, only in her 40s. This day of mourning belonged to her before it ever belonged to America. The terrorist attacks not only stole lives, but took away a day that should have been private. Today I remember C before I remember NYC.

Just the same, it is impossible to get through the day without someone somewhere mentioning memorials. I happened to be down near Rutgers when mom left a voicemail. "Please, if you can, stop by at the memorial that 99.1 FM is doing. If it weren't so far away I'd go myself, but you will be passing by it on your way home."

The memorial in question was organized by a local Christian radio station. I believe the idea for it was based on the old saying about people who have to step up and fill your shoes when you leave a position. The premise is that when those people died they left a lot of empty shoes to fill. Listeners were asked to donate shoes in memory of lost loved ones. Mom asked for pictures, so I figured I'd stop in. Its been an emotional week anyway, and September 11 is just icing on the cake... if cake is equivalent to tears. That made no sense, but yeah that's the frame of mind I'm in right now.




The kid was kind of acting up, but this is him calming down, and a second after I snapped the picture, he moved in and gave his dad a hug.


2000 pairs of shoes...


Today was appropriately rainy.


Fireman's boots.


"Your granddaughters are beautiful; last week their daddy was inducted into the Yonkers Fire Department, please be with him."


My friend's father was a firefighter. As we both graduated from high school, and then college, I periodically thought of him. She's married now; I hope heaven is like the Family Circus clouds, where they look down on earth like they're watching TV. I hope he's enjoying the view.







I had to go back to the car for tissues but then I walked around again. Driving home, the rain became torrential. I was going 45 in a 65 zone, and couldn't see the cars 20 feet ahead of me. I had to follow a car with trouble lights on because I could see the yellow lights. Red taillights were invisible. I didn't mind though. It seemed appropriate, like all of heaven is crying today.

A story...

Soooo. Several of you know the story of our cats. But not all. So here goes. When our indoor-outdoor cat, Fluffy, died a few years ago, my parents decided no more pets. They wanted to be free to travel without hiring a neighbor kid to take care of them.

That worked for a while, until mom began to feel the effects of the empty nest as my brother and I got older. I went to college and she rescued an abused guinea pig. My brother went to college and she started feeding some wild cats. Eventually, my parents made the decision to have all the cats fixed in order to prevent mom from becoming the Cat Lady with 56 cats. The first one they caught had feline HIV, so he had to be put down. Another died on the busy street outside my house. The next one, Slinky, came away disease-free, and also future-generation-free. Finally came Sister. The vet said "I can't operate yet, she's pregnant." So mom found an animal hospital that was willing to do cat abortions. She got there and the vet's assistant said, "I volunteer at the animal shelter and we have a waiting list for kittens so I'd like to take care of Sister until the babies are weaned." She talked mom into it and as a result, Sister, a wild cat, spent the entire summer in a dog cage. She had room, but she was used to having acres to run around in. So in my opinion they tortured her, when they really should have just gone ahead with the abortion. But they are all cat freaks over there, so its totally unthinkable that you kill kittens. Funny how no one bats an eye anymore when you say that about a human abortion.

But, one day mom got a phone call saying "Congratulations, you're a grandma!" A few more weeks went by and the kittens were weaned, and Sister cried for them all night. A few days later (this morning), Sister received her little hysterectomy, and mom took the kittens. Amazingly, there was a huge waiting list for kittens two months ago, but for some reason now that they are born, no one wants them. Fancy that. So mom went to see Sister under the effects of anesthesia, and picked up the kittens and brought them home, "until they can be put in good homes." My parents don't know it yet, but we are keeping at least one of them. We already need someone to come over and feed Slinky and Sister when we go away, so if there are two, why not another?

Anyhoo... We need some naming suggestions:


When I walked in the kitchen and picked this one up, he took a flying leap out of my arms from 5 feet up. He also climbs on things, and in general, is a daredevil. He has huge ears, and when he is tired, plops himself down on the floor wherever he darn well pleases. Some suggested names for him have been: Yoda, Jack, Evel Knieval, Evil, Lyle (from the movie Italian Job- Lyle's nickname was Evel Knieval).



This one is friendly. She is quite comfortable around people, and likes to play with gusto. She has huge feet and also has markings that are unique from her siblings' markings (the stripes go along the body instead of down the sides). At the moment she has a little digestive problem. Some suggested names for her have been Spez (a cross between Spaz and Sped), Snowshoes, Stinky, Tiger, or some version of the word Ocelot. However, Ocelot will be voted down unless a unique version of it can be found because there is already a cat in the family named Elsie Ocelot.



The third one looks a lot like the male in the litter, except a darker shade. She can be friendly, shy, playful, or adventurous, depending on her mood. She's a lot like me actually. She hit all those moods in the space of an hour. Some suggested names have been Minnie, Baby, Runt, Marty, Shadow, and Little. As in, "Hey what's your cat's name?" "It's Little." "I can see that but what's her name?" "She's Little." "I hate you."

Lastly, there have been two suggestions for group names; in the order of the pictures they are: Yacko, Wacko, and Dot
Linus, Lucy, and Peppermint Patty.

Please vote on your favorite names!!

Notice!

For those of you who don't like Myspace, I have a few pictures on Flickr. You can see both Cape Cod and Michigan albums, and even view it in a slide show. Isn't that nifty?

For those of you who have a Myspace, check out my Michigan pictures there.

Random Interesting Fact

The origins of the phrase, "to the bitter end"

Taken from this book.

"Despite appearances, the phrase has nothing to do with bitterness. 'Bitter end' is a mid-nineteenth-century nautical term for the end of a rope or chain secured in a vessel's chain locker, or 'abaft the bitts'. When there is no windlass the cables are fastened to bitts, that is, pairs of bollards fixed to the deck, and when the rope is let out until no more remains, the end is at the bitts - hence the bitter end."

This still doesn't mean much to me, until you look up the other terms.

abaft: the nautical way of saying "behind"

bitt: a frame of two strong timbers fixed perpendicularly in the fore part of a ship, on which to fasten the cables as the ship rides at anchor... other bitts are used for belaying, sustaining the windlass etc...

bollards: the nautical way of saying "a post." Those things that stick up out of a dock or ship's deck that you wrap rope around.

windlass: an alternative to a capstan, that has the same purpose (hoisting up a heavy object like sails or an anchor).

capstan: In Pirates of the Caribbean 1 the first time Elizabeth Swan sees the pirates' true forms, she runs out onto the deck and gets spun around as the skeleton pirates are doing their chores. That spinny thing.

Yep... still means nothing to me. Guess that's why its a random interesting fact.

Random thoughts

I need to think random thoughts to make myself forget that my body is perpetually trying to sneeze, but never actually following through with it. Allergies are awful. I have not seen the sun since Saturday, which means everything is starting to mold which means in addition to being depressed from lack of Vitamin D, I also have to deal with allergies. So to cheer myself up, here are my random thoughts:

I changed the 45 watt bulb in my room to a 100 watt bulb and that helped a little.

I want a fingerprint scanner on my computer. That would be cool.

My brother's friends all graduated from high school this year, so he has been attending lots of going away parties as people disappear off to various colleges. Today he helped a friend move into her dorm. They discovered that apparently, Lions, Tigers, and Bears oh my were all taken as mascots, and Rutgers took the last cool mascots (the Knights and the Raptors) so her school got the Ducks. Not the Mighty Ducks, just the Ducks. And its Stevens Institute of Technology, so they are the SITting Ducks. The debate is on about whether its Stevens Hoboken Institute of Technology, or just Stevens Institute of Technology.

I want a chinchilla.

We have a central vacuum cleaner which means that the cannister is in the basement and you plug the hose into the wall. The problem with that is you forget to clean out the cannister every once in a while, just like you have to change a bag on a regular vacuum. I couldn't figure out why the vacuum wasn't working as well as it should and went down to check it out. It turns out it hadn't been cleaned out in at least 400 years, and when I pulled the cannister out, it was (not kidding) at least 15 pounds. FIFTEEN POUNDS of vacuumed up dust! Can you imagine that?? That's like an eighth of my weight. Put it all together and let God breathe life into it and you have a large cat.

Thats all for the random thoughts of the day.

EDIT: One additional random thought. Hershey's kisses with broken tops are no fun. They have to have a perfect point to bring full, lasting enjoyment.

Wow

I spent the day doing nothing and having no energy because this third day of rain is really depressing and I haven't seen the sun since Saturday. Finally, I forced myself to finalize a time to meet Anissa, get rid of the stuff I had set aside to give her, change a lightbulb that has been needing changing for three weeks now, and organize my bookshelf so there are no longer piles of books all over my floor. I stirred up a lot of dust, so I was grateful to get out of the house and meet Anissa for dinner.

We went to a place called Temptations, and had one of the most amazing meals in a very wonderful, eclectic atmosphere. Our waitress, as well as the other two employees there, were very personable, and the only other customers around were three college/postcollege students, who chatted with her about college and grad school. They all started talking about their favorite music, and as time progressed, the atmosphere became more and more like a dinner party with friends. Then, because it was a slow night, the waiter there turned up the Disney music, grabbed our waitress and started dancing with her around the room, singing Part of Your World in a high pitched Ariel voice.

From there, they began taking requests for any Disney song imaginable, and the two girls at the other table began singing along word for word. Anissa and I talked about how great it was to have so much fun with complete strangers.

It was simply a wonderful night and was, I think, the best use of my money I've found in a long time.

Speaking of dying on the parkway...

I forgot to mention the idea for a bumper sticker that I want on my car.

It should be a contrasting color to the color of the car, and it should have red and yellow flashing LED lights around the border. And it should say, "Use your damn blinker!"

That's all.

Random

I went to Walmart today, the new one that opened up close to my house. It is much better than the North Brunswick Walmart, which you have to have a passport in order to enter, and is reminiscent of that time my grandparents took me to a dusty, dingy Mexico town. When I'm at that Walmart, I always half expect a little Mexican girl to shove a box of bubble gum in my face yelling, "Un Quarto!! Un Quarto!!"

This Walmart, because of its proximity to a senior citizen's home, requires a wheelchair and/or a walker. I grabbed a shopping cart, hoping no one would notice it wasn't a walker, and took a look around. I discovered that this store is nestled on the side of a mountain, and is in fact looking over the entire Ramapo Mountain chain. Prime real estate. Like, for condos. I would pay extra to have a townhouse with a view like that. Why on earth would they waste it on a WALMART?? I'm tempted to become homeless and live in the parking lot at the Walmart.

So, I got inside, and there's another perk. Instead of the traditional McDonald's, or even worse, generic-brand McDonald's copy, there's a Subway!! Like where you can get vegetarian food with lots of real green vegetables. Wow. Walmart just went up a notch in my book.

Despite all the perks, I couldn't figure out why everyone I passed (guy or girl) was looking at my chest. I'm quite sure I haven't noticeably grown in that area, and I'm pretty sure that at breakfast I didn't spill on myself. What's everybody looking at? Do I have a preying mantis nursing on my chest? I glance down... Ohhhhhh. Right... I'm in the boondocks, and I'm wearing a jujitsu t-shirt with one guy getting thrown- what is that, Seoi Nage?- by another guy, both of them outlined in electric blue. Oops. I forgot.

Its a beige shirt, so I didn't think it was flashy. I forgot people up here don't know how to read so their eyes focus automatically on pictures. Hmm... I'll have to revise my wardrobe I think.

RANT #2

I'm on a roll tonight. Or maybe just easily pissed off. Don't get in my way for a while.

Why does Listerine find it necessary to put FD&C Blue #1 in their product? It has no effect whatsoever on elimination of bacteria. Jerks. Who told you that if its blue, I'm more likely to buy the product? What if I like brown? Or whatever color your product is before the Blue #1... Maybe I LIKE that color. Maybe its aesthetically pleasing. Maybe it reminds me of a brown teddy I had when I was little and I'll buy your product for sentimental reasons. In short, who SAID I WANTED A BLUE TONGUE???

thinking...

I hate change. My life is changing with or without me though, so its all a question of whether or not I want to mold myself to the changes or just get completely passed by.

By the end of the summer, I think I will be a completely different person from who I was when the summer began. I hope that I will recognize myself, that I won't miss myself too much, and that I will value myself more. I hope that in the changing, my friends will accept these changes so that I will not have to make new ones, but if I do, I hope that it will not be too hard.

I hope that you will be able to change with me and I hope that I will not cling to a fairy tale, but instead will find that some fiction is actually non-fiction.

I hope that I will believe in myself and trust myself enough to be able to let go of things. If I can let go, I can soar, or if not soar, then at least I will be able to enjoy a controlled fall.

awww...

Ok so I didn't have such a great week, which sets me on edge emotionally I guess. I also, after not seeing Steve for three weeks, had a reunion with him that somehow didn't go as I'd expected. Jujitsu on Thursday was quite mental and virtually no physical techniques which is also straining to an unpracticed mind like mine. So, add to that several hours of fairy tale romance, sobbing mothers, and guys who actually know how to dance... and its no wonder that right now I feel like crying, just to get it out.

Today, I went to Matt's wedding. Matt and I have known each other since I was in 4th grade. He's my little brother, so to think that now he's married... is just crazy. I remember tackling him in the yard playing soccer and riding to school playing "travel bingo." Its just nuts.

But, it was a beautiful wedding. The ceremony was perfect (although if it were my wedding I'd want the pastor to speak instead of read... but that's the theater major in me). The reception, here, was gorgeous. If I had the money, that's where I'd want my reception to be. In fact, they had my dream wedding. I'll probably end up with something different, just for budget's sake, but if I had no limit, it'd be their wedding, almost exactly.

The best man and the maid of honor were engaged as well, which made it extra special. They got up together to give the speech and Mike said something like, "Sharon, I've grown to know you and love you over the years, and if I could pick anybody to take care of you and love you for the rest of your life, it'd be my best friend Matt." Everyone kind of "aww-ed" and Mike said, "Wow, look at me, I'm a pansy." Everyone laughed and he dropped his voice an octave and said "I work out." It was great. Just like Michael.

The DJ and Emcee were excellent, and somehow, everyone was out dancing way before the food was brought out. Even more spectacular was that everyone managed to have a good time without "the big five" being played (Macarena, Electric Slide, YMCA, Cotton-eyed Joe, and Who Let the Dogs Out). To me, that is a sign of an excellent DJ, that he can have a great wedding where the dance floor is crowded the entire time until the very last song, without playing the popular "wedding/bar-bat mitzvah/baby-wedding shower/any and every other occasion involving a dance floor" songs.

The complete topper on the wedding, as I told someone a little while ago, is that my reaction to seeing them (now but also even before this) was "wow... I don't know if I could ever find someone I could be that in love with in a whole lifetime." I just don't know if I could have that much passion in my life. I wish I could, but I don't know how to generate that in myself. Perhaps it is their youth and energy. In the 7 weddings I've been to, this couple has been the youngest. I just don't know how they do it. It was probably the most romantic wedding I've ever been to.

Anyway... its late, so I'd better finish up the AWW feelings, have my cry, and go to sleep. Congratulations to Matt and Sharon!

Life

A few days ago, I watched a butterfly open its wings for the first time. It is amazing how sometimes the simple little things in nature can induce an adrenaline rush.

It is also amazing how the tiny things like butterflies can induce the same amount of adrenaline as the big things, like whales jumping out of the water ten feet in front of you.

More out of curiosity than anything else...

Someone I know sent this to a bunch of people on Myspace. I wonder what kind of responses she received. Would anyone like to try it out?

01. What are 5 things you would want me to know before I died?

02. What would 5 questions be that you have been wanting to ask me?

03. If I died, would you come to my funeral?

04. If I died, would you cry?

05. If I died, would you forget me eventually?

06. If I died, what would be going through your head?

07. Would you tell me you loved me before I died?

08. Would you mean it?

09. If I died, would you regret anything you said to me?

10. If I died, would you be wishing you told me something that you haven't already told me?

11. If I died, what would be your last memory of me?

12. If I died, what would you remember me by?

13. If I died tonight, I would want to know your true feelings about me. What are your complete
feelings about me, up to this day?

Hmm I'm not sure I want to know the answer to 13, so if anyone has second thoughts about telling me, then feel free to omit it.

cape cod photos

For those of you who are interested, you can view my pictures from Cape Cod here. Its the album titled "Brand New Photos" all the way on the right.

EDIT: I just found out you can't view them without having a myspace account. I'm working on finding a way around it because I realize not everyone has myspace... Sorry.

The Trip...

Here it is, the one you've all been waiting for. I spent two weeks in Cape Cod, "blogging" in a little notebook. More like "jotting" because I only put down a few key points I wanted to flesh out later. To save time, I'm going to abbreviate wherever I can. Try to follow along. You're all smart I'm sure you can do it.

Fri. 7-20-07
Well, I suppose all my entries will be short while I'm in CC. 1) because I'll be copying them down when I get back, and 2) because there's not much paper here. Its so gorgeous and peaceful here, and I'd forgotten how it is. The birds and chipmunks here are so used to having throngs of other creatures around that they just assume we're part of the wildlife. The goldfinches and chickadees come in swarms in the morning, and the hummingbirds fight all the time over the sugar water. We have accumulated more boats over the years, so now our fleet consists of 2 canoes, a kayak, 2 sailboats, and a rowboat (no combustion motors allowed on the lake). I am excited about the sailboats because its been so long since I've been able to practice. There's even a great view- the house is up on a hill and the deck overlooks the lake. I feel like I'm in an eagle's nest- paradise- a place where I can survey the world without having to be a part of all the problems. I think its going to be good getting away. On the way up I let my mind wander, and it wasn't to good places. Perhaps here, my mind can rest and be at peace for a while. Perhaps here, I'll find the distance to be able to heal for real from the things that have been plaguing me for a long time now, instead of this mock healing I've been doing. Perhaps...

7-20-07 Quotes:
"The copper pig on the deck is actually a watering can but you can't fill it up all the way or its nose will run."

Sat 7-21-07
My aunt and uncle and cousin came out from Michigan to visit. Shane got to see Boston for the first time, and experienced the fanaticism that is a Red Sox game. I'm sure he's actually a Tigers fan (that's the same sport right?) but he's an 8-year-old kid. Sports are sports. Before they got there, Dad gave me a sailing lesson just to be sure I remembered everything. I've never been sailing without him anyway so he just wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing. After that my aunt Michele asked me to take Shane out sailing on the Sunfish and we did and the wind promptly died. Fun for him, I'm sure.

7-21-07 Quotes:
"The good ole state of Massatuchets!" (Say it kinda fast, just switch the phonetic sounds instead of the actual letters. You'll get it eventually.)

Sun 7-22-07
My uncle Scott took Shane out on the Sunfish cause there was some real wind this time, and I took the kayak. We went across into the sluiceway, into the next pond which was smaller. The wind changed, Scott said "duck" and Shane did, but for some reason Scott didn't. All the other canoers on the lake heard the "thump" the "d'oh!" and Shane's "This guy doesn't know how to sail!!" It was cute. That was the pond where Henry David Thoreau spent some time. Not Walden, where he wrote his book, but Williams Pond. It got me thinking about how great it is up there for photographers. When we got back, I gave Shane a quick kayak lesson and we went in the canoe catching frogs. I had always known I lacked the stereotypical Jersey accent, and I took a test once that told me I had a "midwestern" accent. But I felt like as soon as my Michigan relatives arrived, I started picking up the Michigan speech. I would say something and then think, "Why did I say it like that? I don't talk that way..." Anyway, after that we went to a drive-in theater to see Ratatouille, which was a really great movie.

7-22-07 Quotes:
"What are you talking about?? Three pair beats everything!!" (Gotta love poker.)

Ratatouille: ~If you focus on what you left behind you will never be able to see what lies ahead.
~Don't just hork it down!
~Change is nature, the part we can influence.
~Where are you going? ~Forward!!
~Why do I need to pretend? ~You never did (always, his whole life, pretending to be a rat, pretending to be a human, just depending on the crowd... i can feel that...)

Mon 7-23-07
We went to see the CC lighthouse, also called the Highland Light. It was pretty foggy, so it looked cool. My brother snapped some pictures of a sheepdog named Mala. No, not the Italian word meaning "bad." This dog was named after the wife of Chewbacca. What? Someone actually married that walking carpet? Yes. And what's even more sad is that I knew that already. Geeks, geeks everywhere. Then we went to Provincetown and did the touristy thing. Provincetown is known for its "Pilgrim's Tower" a tribute to the Mayflower Pilgrims who actually landed at Provincetown first and found it unsuitable for habitation and moved on to Plymouth. Then we went to Newcomb Hollow, a beach on the Atlantic side of CC. Shane had a blast, running along the waves, which are bigger than the ones on the shores of Lake Michigan, and wonder of wonders, they are salty to boot! We also saw a grey seal poke his head out of the water and watch the fishermen on the beach which was pretty cool.

Tues 7-24-07
Went sailing a little, and mom and I took the canoe out, with all three cameras! We don't really trust any of the other boats besides the two canoes with our cameras in them. Sailboats and kayaks... not too sturdy. We got some really great pictures, of flowers, a giant turtle, and dad on the sailfish before he ripped the white sail and had to switch to the smaller red and white sail. It still sails great though. I like that one the best I think. Too bad they don't make them anymore. Well, mom and I got pretty sunburned because 1) our sunscreen is probably 10 years old and 2) canoes are slow especially if mom's got a paddle in her hand. For the next two days I had to cover up my bathing suits with blouses. I don't want skin cancer! I have also developed the notorious "sealegs" which make if difficult to walk on land. I lie in bed at night and my inner ear is telling me my bed is gently rocking from side to side. I can't decide if I like the feeling.

Wed 7-25-07
I went to the library to get my internet fix. Its amazing how much I can do in just a half hour. I think I like the whole speed-reading concept. Another concept I discovered at the library is "Dune Doubloons." Basically its a local barter currency. You shovel a neighbor's sidewalk, he pays you in a gold or silver doubloon (depending on how much time it took you). You then take your doubloon and pay the girl across the street to watch your kids... and so on. The pamphlet I read gave some suggestions on things you could do to earn doubloons. They had the usual things like baking dinners, organizing paperwork for someone, whatever. Then one thing caught my eye. "Costuming someone for a drag show." Um. Ok. Guess that's in high demand here, and oh yeah I just remembered this is Massachusetts. One final amazing concept I have always loved is the out-door shower. A lot of homes up in CC have this feature, because of the proximity to the ocean and the abundance of sand that somehow finds its way all over your body. Instead of trekking through a clean house to the bathroom, you just shower outside. Another plus is that from our shower you have a great view of the lake, and the walls of the shower are just low enough that you can see out, but just high enough that nobody has to see your pasty white flabby butt. Well, that depends on who you are, you might have a great butt, I don't know. But lets just say you usually have some parts no one wants to see. Its a great experience showering and watching the sun go down, or the fog rolling in onto the lake, or whatever.

Fri 7-27-07
My dad and I went whale watching. It was pretty neat. We saw Finbacks, Humpbacks, and Atlantic White-Sided Dolphins. Two of the whales did that jumping out of the water thing, which is supposed to be pretty rare and also very difficult to catch on camera. My brother went home, my relatives went back to Michigan, and my mom went to a party. So my dad and I had some good nature-stuff that we like that no one else really cares for. We also went into a pirate museum. The CC shores are the home of the Whydah, the only known pirate wreck so far. That's kinda cool I guess.

7-27-07 Quotes:
"Thank you for ruining my favorite songs by enjoying them with me"
"Time flies when you're having rum."

Mon 7-30-07
I spent a lot of time just hanging out with my dad. My mom's friend Karen is here. I'm sitting here wondering what it would be like to pick up and go to the Caribbean in the fall with only 2 days' notice. As in, even I don't know that I'm leaving day-after-tomorrow. I hear that's the cheapest way to get a cruise. I am also thinking I ought to get a job. And I'm thinking maybe its time to find more friends. Like West Milford friends. I have some here, but we aren't that close. Maybe there are more somewhere around here. I have also been pondering stuff. I have noticed every once in a while that I get angry with a certain person in my life, not for anything in particular, but I am angry that they are in my life. I have been blaming this person in my heart for things when in my head I know I have a 50% share of the responsibility. Its the classic passion vs. reason conflict, but turned around. I'm not sure if I should work on that, or just ignore it. Being angry isn't always a bad thing, and I don't let my anger control me or even affect other people. Most of the time no one knows its there.

Tues 7-31-07
Dad and I went bike riding in the bike trails above Provincetown (ie, sand dunes). It was cool to see nature in that way, and I found myself meditating much like I do when I go running. Its quite therapeutic. I thought about jujitsu and how if you can't stime in life (let go of things) then you can't do it on the mat. I was also thinking that guys who don't wear shirts make me jealous. If I can't do that, you can't either. And the last thing was my dad and I kinda have a cool relationship. I think I'm more guyish when I'm around him. When a guy asks a question and another guy says "I don't care" it means "I don't care." When a guy asks a question and a girl says "I don't care" it means "you should know me well enough not to have to ask" or "I care but you have to read my mind to know what I want." When I'm with my dad, "I don't care" means "I don't care." Its kinda interesting how all this comes from riding a bike.

Wed 8-1-07
Today two hummingbirds had a dogfight and one nearly stabbed me in the face. I'd been sitting there reading for over an hour so I don't know how he could have not noticed me. I have been rereading all my childhood books. The series is about a girl in 1902 North Carolina who likes to get into adventures and solve mysteries and stuff. I mentioned to my mom that I couldn't figure out why every time Mandie and her friends sat down in the parlor, they ended up drinking coffee. When I was 15 I thought coffee was the most tantalizing smell with the most disappointing taste. I didn't know why she would want to drink that. My mom responded with, "Well, they DO grow tobacco down there." Right mom... and that has to do with coffee how? Guess that was a senior moment... I went down to the lake with my dad and took the kayak around the lake. We had seen a blue Sailfish and wanted to know who else had one on the lake, cause they are kind of a rare boat these days. I glanced at all the boats tied up on my trip around, but didn't see it. I did, however, see a little shih tzu jump off a boogie board into water that was over his head. I guess he thought he was a bigger dog or maybe didn't realize the water was so deep. But he sank right down and then popped right up and did a frantic doggie paddle for the shore. He sat down by "mom" and started coughing and wheezing. Since he was ok, it was kinda funny to watch. When I got back from my kayaking trip, I sat on the dock with my dad on the beach. It was kind of a windy day and we were watching a guy trying to un-capsize his sailboat. He would get it to flip right-way-up, the wind would catch it, and it would go back over on the other side. He did this about 4 or 5 times before dad got on the boogie board and paddled out to help him (guess he's a sadist when it comes to beginner sailors). I followed as well and basically the two of them got it to stand upright together and when it started to go over the other side, I added ballast on that side. It turns out the guy had the sail cleated so when the wind took it, it wouldn't turn to release the pressure, it would just flip. We got back to shore and dad just shook his head... "Rookies." But the guy was grateful because I bet he was paying by the half hour just to rent the boat.

Thurs 8-2-07
The sailing was good today as well- windy but not too windy. I also took some sunflower seeds and got the chipmunks to eat out of my hand. It was pretty cool.

Fri 8-3-07
We took one last swim before we left, and I managed to find the patience to sit there long enough for the chipmunks to actually sit on my hand and eat sunflower seeds. It was a pretty cool experience... I've always wanted a pet chipmunk so this was probably as close as I'm gonna get. He even let me run my finger down his side cause he was so into the sunflower seeds. And I touched that little cheek pouch full of seeds, just to see how it felt- that thing is really thin! Anyway... that was a great way to end the trip.

And then I got back and had that awful rant about my cactus... but the reason I had such a bad headache is my wisdom teeth have decided to finish their ascent to the surface instead of stopping the job halfway through like I thought they were going to do. So thats cool I guess that maybe they will be the same height as my other teeth now haha.

Honey, I'm hoooommmme...

While I was on vacation, I jotted notes on my adventures and thoughts for each day. I just have not put them up here yet.

I'm feeling kinda crappy right now, and I just wish I could stay on vacation forever. I had a headache the entire 7.5-hour drive, got back almost nauseous. There was a thunderstorm coming so we had to unpack at lightspeed which made my headache worse. I did a lot of the lifting because my dad hurt his back yesterday.

I went in the sunroom and sat in the dark with the fan on for a while, while the pounding in my head slowed to a crawl. Then I went upstairs and discovered that while I was gone, my cactus melted.

Not REALLY melted, but apparently the roots rotted and it spread to the base of the plant, which made it look like the top part of the cactus was sitting in a puddle of melted cactus.

I quickly turned on my computer, checked Google to find out what to do with sick cactus, and discovered surgery was in order.

I have a feeling its going to die anyway. And while it shouldn't mean much to me... its only a cactus... it does. I've had it for about 2 years now and when I first got it, it was nice and straight. As time passed, I noticed a bulge, perhaps some kind of tumor. But no, I later realized, it was not a tumor, but simply changing shape. At the top of the cactus, there was now a small heart shape, as if that cactus loved me.

And now, there's a huge chance the thing is dead, unless I can make it grow from a cutting.

It just seems like... in the past few months, so many things have been taken away from me. My phone died, and I lost a lot of numbers. I had them backed up on my computer, which died before I could transfer them. I lost many photographs, songs, poetry, papers I'd written, short stories I hoped one day to flesh out into novels, and encouraging IM conversations that I read when I'm going through rough times. The few remnants of that old hard drive were on a flash drive- some of the most important things I wanted to be sure to have copies of. Somehow, during my move, the flash drive has disappeared as well.

I'm probably going to jinx myself but sometimes I feel that if I'm going to slowly lose some of my most treasured pieces of my past, I'd rather they all go up in flames at once than have everything slowly crap out on me. As Scott once said to me, "Its death by a thousand bee stings."

Not only that... I really enjoy living with my family and once again being a part of their lives, but I also really miss living with Anissa and Taylor. I don't think I appreciated it enough while I was there but it was an awesome experience. So there's another thing I've lost.

All this was triggered by a silly little cactus that I felt was my duty to take care of, but when your head is pounding for no reason you can't help but cry over a puddle of cactus.

I don't know why all this stuff is happening to me and a little part of me is whispering about Job, in the Bible, who lost his family and property and health and still "remained righteous and did not curse God." The other part of me is saying I have no connection to Job, because given enough provocation, I am pretty sure I won't remain righteous.

Now, I'm thinking of an email I received once about a guy stranded on a desert island whose only shelter caught on fire. He was upset, but the next day discovered that a ship had seen his smoke signal and he was rescued.

My hut is burning now... but maybe that means help is on the way. Maybe that means that God won't seem so far away as he has been for a few years now.

All this from a stupid little cactus given to me by a stupid stupid... I'll go now I guess.

PS. I went through two weeks of mail and found the card Cara made me for my birthday. Its so... awesome. Its somehow both stormy and serene and I almost wish I could be inside the picture.