poem 2

I guess sometimes something happens internally in which the poet can no longer be concealed. He must raise his head, his fist, and strike the canvas of the words he uses. There is no holding him beneath the surface. Once he's out, the poems pour out unstoppably.

I'm done.
No longer are you required
To compete with a ghost.
Precisely what that ghost is
I'm not sure.
Because it was never there to begin with.
Only in my mind.
Which makes its definition circular.
You can't define an item
Using itself.
Except in the case of the ghost.
The ghost was in my head,
Which is what made it a ghost.
And its gone now.
Dissolved by the tiniest amount of light
Coming from the shining glint of a blade.

poem

From this moment onward:
I have decided it is better to love.
I have decided it is ok to hurt.
I will embrace pain.
Hope for healing.
Not expect it.
I have decided to become
A pessimist.
I have decided to fall in love,
Catch a shooting star,
Embrace the burn,
And love again.
I will be disappointed
If it does not hurt.

hmm

We should all freaking stop lying to each other. I can think of way too many people who would not be in a certain mess right now if they'd admit the truth. Ok that's my rant.

de ja vu

Jamie sleepily lifted her head off the car window and stretched the kinks out of her neck. Something odd was happening. She looked out the window and saw the signs passing on the highway. She recognized the dreary warehouses and factories, the overcast sky as dusk approaches. Something tugged at her still sleepy brain. That music on the radio. She knew that song somehow went with the landscape. Slowly it dawned on her. She turned her head to look at the driver.

Tom. "What is going on? What am I doing here?"

He looked at her and grinned, singing along to the song. Off key and off beat. Just like always.

"Tom!" Pause. "I don't know what to say. This can't be happening."

He wouldn't say a word to her, only look and smile. "Tom, answer me!" His eyebrows lifted, as if to ask her what she wanted. "I can't be here! This isn't happening. It can't be happening."

His silence gave her the question, "Why not?"

"Because... It just can't." Pause. "It happened already!" Jamie decided this was all a dream. Ok. That's it. I'll just go to sleep again. It will go away. And things will be normal again. She closed her eyes. She wasn't sure if time was passing or not. She thought maybe her body was moving.

She opened her eyes. She was lying on a park bench. Her watch read 4 am. There was a cup of lemonade next to her. She rubbed the sleep sand out of her eyes. Strange. There was more than usual. She wondered if that meant she'd been crying. Uh-oh. That feeling was back. She looked to the end of the bench. Tom sat there watching her.

"What is going on?? Why won't you leave? You don't EXIST anymore." He just smiled. Jamie forced herself back into the sleep she assumed she was already in. How do you wake up from a dream you have while you are still awake?

So, I've been keeping busy, actually doing work and going to Ragtime rehearsals/performances. Its a good show. I'm proud of my friends because you can really tell they put a lot of work into it.

This weekend I was whisked away by two really good friends to someplace I didn't know about. Well... ok. Steve planned it. But I thought that Anissa planned it, cause they lied to me. And then Anissa didn't want to go, so we kidnapped her, even though I had no idea where we were going. It turned out to be a spaceship to the moon. The moon was cool. I brought home a moon rock.

It was fun hanging out with them and being on the edge of my seat for the 4 hour drive there. We had to stop at Rennselaer to pick up Steve's astronaut friend, so it was cool to see the college my brother was accepted to. Speaking of which, he just sent his acceptance letter to Rutgers, so YAY... he'll be a RSE (really smart engineer) over on Busch. Maybe he'll join jujitsu too. That would be cool. Anyway, toss this out there too: Kevin almost went to RPI but picked Rutgers instead, and I heard about Rutgers through him (he sold me on it). If RPI had had ROTC, he'd have gone there, and I would not have heard his Rutgers speech; I and therefore my brother would not have come to Rutgers, I'd have a COMPLETELY different set of friends. So going to RPI for the weekend made me think "Wow, this is the college whose lack of a program led to an incredible gain because of the friends I have."

And contrary to popular belief... I didn't think about .asdf. during the AW con. Only briefly when I heard the carrot juice. With fond memories, not with sorrow.

And all in all, I had a really good time. After the moon, we went to Japan to see Mt Fuji. I took pictures of the fog on the volcano and us in front of a mountain-top shrine. The good times continued, until of course the ride home, when my body decided to practice being in labor. I had to go straight to working backstage at Ragtime, so I gave Anissa and Steve my keys to drop my stuff off in my apartment. When I got back I discovered that my away message had been changed to something about chomping my ovaries. So if anyone read that and was offended, yell at her not me haha.

And now I had a good chat with Anissa so that was good. And I realized the soap opera is bigger than I thought. Anissa gets it more though, cause she's the president and people confide in her. Wow I had no idea things could get so... woven. Its like a giant rug.

And now I have some time to do some homework so that's cool. Got my cap, gown, hood, tassel... Can't seem to figure out this silly hood, but I guess I have two weeks to do that. If I can't figure it out, I'll tie it around my ankle. $50 to graduate in style lol. And more if I have to buy the honors cord... which I won't know until my grades all get finalized.

Anyway... gonna go make sure I actually do graduate by going and finishing my homework. Bye.

Easter and onward

Easter was good. I went to see my relatives again. My cousin's wife is suffering from depression so they drove with their 3 kids back to Maryland before getting to see anyone. His brother went back too, but has a girldfriend now... so mom's glad he's not gay. She actually said that to me. Which I don't get because there's no hint he might be whatsoever. I see nothing wrong with going through a horrible horrible break up and then not dating for years after that. It doesn't make you gay. My cousin Peter was going to massage school in Canada last time I updated about my family. It turns out they changed the laws about getting into the country for schooling, and he didn't have the proper government blood test, and the government wouldn't get him the blood test. So they gave him 24 hours to get his stuff and leave. So now he's an apprentice at a tattoo parlor for this REALLY good tattoo artist... like where a simple tattoo can range into the thousands because there's no such thing as a simple tattoo for this guy. And my aunt and uncle are going to raise koi in a pond they just made in their backyard. So when my other aunt heard that, she took us all over to her neighbor's house. He just redid the backyard. We walk up and there's an intricate stone archway opening into the garden patio. Along the edge of the patio there's basically a giant, rock-lined swimming pool full of koi a foot and a half long. On the far side there are 1 ton slabs of rock, with a huge cascading waterfall going into the pond. To the left is a blooming cherry tree, dropping petals into the water, and to the right and all along the top of the waterfall are fancy evergreen trees, statues of blue herons, and deer and stuff. The place was gorgeous.

Anyway... that was about it. I started working on Ragtime at LTC on Monday. So I have no life again. And today they were giving out free bras at the student center. Wheee!!!! Ok now I really have to do some homework.

Just out of curiosity...

I looked up some of the meanings of certain flowers.

Hydrangea: Thank you for understanding; frigidity; heartlessness
Orchid: Love; beauty; refinement; beautiful lady; Chinese symbol for many children; Mature charm
Pink Roses: Perfect happiness; please believe me
Gillyflower/Stock: Lasting beauty

Carnations: Bonds of affection; health and energy; fascination; woman love
pink- I'll never forget you
red- My heart aches for you; admiration
yellow- Rejection; disdain
magenta and mauve- ???
Daisies: Innocence
Baby's Breath: Everlasting Love
Sinuata/Statice: remembrance
Liatris: Enthusiasm

bookguydc: Here's a verse given to me during my struggles: Proverbs 13:12 - Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

It made me think. And wonder. And talk to God. I don't know where I am anymore. But I can definitely relate to the hope deferred. I just wonder when the longing fulfilled will come. But first I wonder what I truly long for. I don't think I know yet.

On a happier note, I have been able to have some good conversations with people. Steve and I sat and talked to Barb for a long time about religion. It was cool. And there were some other people I've been able to talk to lately... even if its been mostly on aim. Gotta start somewhere.

The play is over! Yay! People want me to do another one, I keep getting compliments right and left, and I'm proud of what was done this week. So that's a good thing. And Steve and Anissa got me flowers and chocolates. And my parents got me flowers.

. looked me in the eyes yesterday for the first time in a long time. But was it really me . was seeing? Or was it .?

Yeah its nice being cryptic.

Mom was bristly yesterday. I wonder why. Steve brought something up that made me think. And I don't know how to deal with my mom.

Now I'm just going to be depressing and say life is not all its cracked up to be. But its good anyway.

Ok yeah I need sleep. bye all!

sigh

The play is almost over. I've been stressed, going at a fast pace for the past few weeks. Wow say that five times fast.

But I was thinking about it. And this crazy life, I hate it. Yet that's what keeps my passion alive. I have a love-hate relationship with theater. I can't live without it. But one day, the hectic pace is going to give me a stroke.

I'm still getting... "I think we need pyrotechnics here. Can I drop a body from the ceiling?"

And the lines are gradually getting there, which is good.

But yeah. I have to frisk my brother for matches before the show. Otherwise his hands will be on fire when he comes onto the stage in his Satan costume.

California? Did I hear someone say they had a spare ticket to California? Oh ok. You don't need me right? Ok I'm running away now.

Now to figure out how to get the random kids not to walk across the stage:
My Brother Dan: Hey, kids you're getting in the way here, you wanna go out in the hallway to play gi joe?
Obnoxious kid who will remain anonymous: What do you mean by what?
Dan: What?
Kid: What do you mean by what?
Dan: Wait. I didn't say 'what' the first time. How about if you don't leave, I pick you up and throw you?

Gotta love my brother.

Jesus

Jesus

Why I can post this: my Jesus is not the kind of guy to sit in a church pew and look like a nice guy. No one likes the nice guys. They are boring. The Jesus I know is not boring. He's God, yes. All-powerful, yes. Exciting, absolutely. He's the type of guy that would make a picture of his face in butter. He came to earth and hung out with fisherman, tax collectors, all sorts of sinners. You think the pretty pictures of Jesus holding his hands in the peaceful benediction sign would appeal to those guys? They wore leather and didn't shave. Jesus had to fit in with them. He was a carpenter. I don't know about you, but all the carpenters I know are ripped. But that's a tangent. I can post this website because... Jesus is having a good laugh over it too. It made me smile and brightened my insane day.

a day in the life

I haven't slept. Cause I don't have the time. There's too much to do. So any typos... just blame that.

My teacher sent an email about the midterm... here's a little quote I found interesting.

EXTRA CREDIT: Someone will ask, "can I do any extra credit to bring up my course grade?" "Yes," I will say, "Study more for the final than you did for the midterm."

I applied for a job at a garden center today. Its a really nice place, and I'd hope they let me work there. I would love to have an outdoor job again. Two summers ago, that was probably the ultimate job experience. I had such a good time. Working hard and covering up the... well. Yeah I didn't have such a good life outside of working.

I was thinking about something I told someone once. Well, something I told several someones. "You've got a crush on her." "What? No I don't." "Yes you do. When I look at you, I can see that she's all you think about. I can see that when you walk in a room, she's the first person you look for to see if she's there. When you want to tell a story about something that happened to you today, you look to see if she's willing to listen. Then when you tell the story, you are only telling her, whether there are other people there or not." The people I mentioned this to had very different reactions, from surprise, to indignation, to denial.

But I was thinking the other day. Can anyone say the same about me? Can anyone tell me exactly what I told those people (gender differences allowed for of course)? I don't know. I'm not sure where my life is right now.

Chinese Candy Translations

The package of the pineapple candy states:

"The gorgeous taste of fully ripened pineapple, imposing as a southern island king crowned in glory, is yours to enjoy in every soft and juicy Kasugai Pineapple Gummy."

And the muscat candy:

"Its translucent color so alluring and taste and aroma so gentle and mellow offer admiring feelings of a graceful lady. Enjoy soft and juicy Kasugai Muscat Gummy."

So my question is this: When is Hershey going to advertise candy that makes you think nice thoughts about the opposite sex?

When asking this in my away message the other day, I got this response:

In a way, doesn't American candy already do that? If the tiny bite-sized Milky Ways are "Fun Size", would that not subliminally suggest that the full size or king-sized bars are complete ecstasy? Anyway, keep smiling!

Anyhow... just some food for thought. Literally.

spring

Friday was interesting. I had no time to think about the past, even for the day it was.

The magnolias are coming out in New Brunswick and that made me smile through the 1 hour of sleep on my face. And Saturday night, as I came home from working on the set at midnight, I smiled because the spring peepers were out.

If you've never heard spring peepers, you are a deprived child of the city and I pity you. Come spend the weekend with me in the country.

Spring is an interesting time. Lots of memories.

DIE

So this play is killing me. Well, no. The play is collaborating with my teachers. They think I'm Julius Caesar or Kennedy or Lincoln or something.

I average 5 hours of sleep a night. Food makes my stomach hurt. And if it manages to get past my stomach, then my intestines hurt.

But I've been thinking about how active I've been with jujitsu. And how not sleeping keeps my metabolism going longer, which means I burn more fat and calories. So yesterday was laundry day which means today I have no clothes to wear except old ones. So I put on an old pair of pants that are practically skin tight on me... and they fit again. That was the first indication to me that this is affecting my body. Cause the scale has been staying the same- I've been checking because I know I'm stressed and I'm not stupid. I'm going to monitor myself.

But yeah. Either that or jujitsu has made me more "toned." But I doubt it. Cause if that's the case the pants would have fit last semester too.

Ok now I have to run to a rehearsal and work on the set for the play. AHHHH

EDIT: AND I'M LOSING AN HOUR OF SLEEP DUE TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME. WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THAT IDEA... NEEDS TO BE SHOT. AND THEN FLOGGED. AND THEN THROWN OFF A BRIDGE. AND THEN RUN OVER BY A BUS. AND THEN ATTACKED BY RABID SQUIRRELS. AND THEN TAKEN UP TO THE HEAVENS BY THE ONE-EYED ONE-HORNED FLYING PURPLE PEOPLE-EATER. AND THEN DROPPED FROM THE SKY. AND THEN LYNCHED. AND THEN KILLED. AND THEN KILLED AGAIN.

Just so we're clear...

I'm defining myself (and everyone else). Because I have other more pressing, important things to do, so of course I am occupying myself with the trivial.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vegetarian

Andrew was all fancy with his "pescatarian" claims. Well, I'm a lacto-ovo-pesco-pollo vegetarian. Ha. Take that.

Dhaval: Fruitarian who cheats by eating curly fries
Sarah: Vegan
Lisa: Macrobiotic
Dogs and Rabbits: Raw Food Diet

I find it interesting that the wikipedia article says nothing about labelling people who choose to refrain from eating vegatables. I think that's biased. Everyone deserves a label, including the people who wrote "Carrot juice is murder."

:-D

post #2 Adele's story

Adele stood on her tippytoes to peer over the edge of the table. Before her, shining white and glimmering, was The Cake. The French Blessing Cake that was only made once every 4 years. If she didn't get to taste its wonderful sweetness, she would have to wait all the way until she was 9!!! How could they possibly expect her to wait that long? But she was ushered off to bed, and when she woke the next morning, the party had gone and with it, the cake. How great was her disappointment! 4 years was a long time to expect a 5 year old to wait.

At first she cried. And cried and cried to see that the cake was gone. Then she tried to convince herself that the cake wasn't really gone, and that the grownups were just keeping it away from her for some reason. Finally, she accepted the fact that it was gone and wearily turned her attentions to waiting for the new cake to come in four years. Eventually, she nearly forgot that it had been there in the first place.

But then, one day, there it was. She could now see over the table, could even lean in very close to see the cake better. She was excited. She saw that this new cake was different from the former, that it had some new colors in the frosting, and extra filling inside. The filling was what intrigued her. It was a rare occasion to see a French Blessing Cake with filling. The Cake this year had filling because the new cook wanted to impress everyone with his skills. She looked again at the cake, with its fillings. Perhaps this time the grownups would let her taste that beautiful white fluffy cake. In sorrow, she was brought to her bed before the cake had been brought before the guests. In the morning, as she expected, the cake was gone, filling and all. She cried, just like last time, and expected that the process would be the same. Cry, deny, blame others, accept it, wait for a new one, forget the old one ever existed. But she discovered something. She discovered that this second time, the process was different.

She could not accept that the French Blessing Cake she had waited for was gone. She could not accept that the old one had never existed, or that she would wait patiently for the new one. She wondered where this change had come from... she wondered if perhaps it had been the fact that she was 9 instead of 5 this time, or perhaps that the cake had filling this time, or that she had had a better view of the cake, or maybe even just that it was the second time around. At any rate, she felt that her thoughts and memories were so occupied by the old cake, that the new one she knew would come when she was 13 would not be quite as interesting.

And in fact, it wasn't. It was beautiful, she would admit. But it was not for her. It had no filling to intrigue her, to spark her imagination. She was still interested in the one she'd seen when she was 9. She sat down in her bed that night, knowing the adults were eating the cake, and she realized she did not mind at all. She was still absorbed in the memory of that other beautiful cake.

"What does one do" she pondered, "when one cannot, no matter what the circumstances, let go of what one wants to bring back from the past?" When she becomes an adult, will she be offered a slice of a French Blessing Cake? Will she eat it? Or will she still be thinking of the cake she'd seen at 9 that had such exquisite filling?

Not sure where to start.

There's so much I could say... on so many different topics.

I'd rather not talk about going home, because it would inevitably lead to an update on the play, which I don't want to talk about. I think... I might be afraid to fail in this scenario. And that's bad. Adds tension to my life and mind and body.

I came from a (good) rehearsal, in decent spirits, and I went to jujitsu. As soon as I did, something told me, "I'm not ready to be checked out yet." But, they checked me out anyway, and determined that I'm not ready to test for Gokyu. Give it two more weeks, and a knowledge of the things I need to work on. Basically, my techniques are there. (In my mind I also need work on the names of techniques.) But there's something... mental that's missing. There's a lack of fire... an inability to take control of an attack. Which... I think is true of my life outside of jujitsu. Quite often, I am one of those corks bobbing in the ocean. The waves go somewhere, but the cork only goes up and down. It is not carried anywhere, and has no way of controlling where it goes anyway.

So... even though I didn't test yet, tonight somehow feels like a failure. I know its not, its an assessment, not the real test. But, I suppose the reason it feels like a failure is that the blackbelts have been telling me the same thing for the past year, "Fire, intent, take charge of the attack," and I have not listened. Occasionally, there would be moments of clarity, when I would. But ultimately, under stress, I could not take that control. I could not follow their advice. And that's what bothers me. That it is something I should have had hammered into me by now.

But, on the upside... I somehow by the grace of God managed to complete a bridgefall today. Not a stime disguised as a bridgefall, but a real, hop-and-go-over bridgefall. Unfortunately it was not the one I did while I was being checked out. That one sucked.

And now I'm kind of sore. In my body but also in spirit, because I have had a long workout of both of them. I went to Anissa's to hang out with her a little while, and talk turned to pet names when someone who will remain unnamed called her "dear." It got me thinking. How much should I value pet names?

Choosing not to indulge the interests of that little tangent... I'm going to write another little fiction piece. In a minute.

Jujitsu

So...

Thursday at jujitsu was technically my first day back after spring break. I went to jujitsu on Tuesday, but for obvious reasons I didn't do much. Thursday I went to kids class, had a good time with those kids, and then went downstairs for the colored belt class. I was happy, cause I didn't have my notebook, because Cara's checking it. Steve tested, so all the blackbelts were occupied which gave the rest of us a chance to review a lot of things we were having issues with. Mostly variations on stuff, which meant I got to use my imagination. And I ALMOST did a bridge fall, which was also very cool. And Steve was promoted to brown belt. Yaaay Steve. And then after class, I got to grapple with Scott, which was cool, because I learned so much about myself. With some of the other people I grapple with, I just do it for fun and practice. But Scott was determined to make me learn something. Which was good.

And now I'm home avoiding homework. So I'm even happier. Yaaay me.

Ok. That's all.

I'm falling apart

Hmm...

So, last week, my digestive tract went haywire... as in, when I eat food, my stomach says... "What? I don't want that. I want to do something cool like writing poetry. Why can't I be the cool part of the body?" And I was also extra sensitive in certain areas that hurt.

And this week, I figured out why. But what I didn't plan on was Tuesday. On Monday night I was a little crampy. But I felt fine on Tuesday. Tuesday morning, I ate breakfast and went to massage class. Then I rushed back to Douglass to model a costume for the Costume Rendering class. I ate about 3/4 of a blueberry muffin because I didn't have much time for anything else. I put the costume on and started the modelling session. About 10 minutes before I was done, I'm standing there thinking, Hmm its kinda warm in here. Then all of a sudden, Its really warm in here. My head feels tight. And what happened to the lights? I sat down in the middle of the session and suddenly, I can't really get a good breath of air. So the teacher said "Its ok, you're not the first person who's had that kind of reaction modelling. Go outside and get a drink of water." I go outside with the teacher's aide, and all of a sudden, the cramps started again. And I feel nauseous. The teacher took one look at me when I came back in and said, "Go change into your comfortable clothes, you're done for the day."

The elevator to the first floor was stuffy, and my knees buckled. By this time I'm shaking and the TA leads me into the costume shop, rips open a bag of oreos and tells me to get my sugar up. My mouth was so dry that I could only swallow two bites and I was worried I would throw it up. She came back from somewhere and led me to a teacher's office where there was a couch. I'm shaking from the pain of my uterus trying to turn itself inside out. (Sorry for whatever guys read this...) The TA unbuttoned the back of my dress (which was almost-but-not-quite a corset) and went to get my clothes from the changing room. While she was gone, I called Steve, who I knew was close by, at Anissa's studying, and asked him to come get me. He was there in two minutes. But I couldn't move because my cramps were so bad. Sad to say, they've been worse in the past. I know because on Tuesday, they didn't elicit tears, only exclamations like "OMG its coming in contractions I am SOOO never getting PREGNANT!" I think I scared Steve. But yeah, from what I hear, women say the weirdest things when they're in labor.

When I could stand up, Steve brought me back to Anissa's so I could nap and he could keep an eye on me (Anissa was in class, otherwise they both would have watched me like hawks). I guess that's all he could have done anyway though... if I ever get like that, there's nothing much anyone can do about it except watch or maybe do some accupressure points. And Cara's right... that's a little awkward.

I skipped class that day, so I hope we didn't do anything important. And that night I went to jujitsu but didn't work out. It was the beginner's class, so I just walked around helping people. I was ok until the last 10 minutes when I started to feel achy and dizzy. Very mild dizziness. The achy I think was just from fatigue. The dizziness went away when I went to the student center and ate some chicken. I was hoping for tofu, cause rumor has it tofu has more protein than chicken. That, and I was craving tofu... and soy is supposed to balance estrogen levels. But... the chicken was sufficient.

Wednesday, yesterday, I was mostly fine, with moments where I just stood up too quickly. That happens any time, regardless of what happened on Tuesday. But today I'm still having 2 or 3 second dizzy spells, and I'm not sure about what's going on anymore. Cause normally I'm not this affected by estrogen. I am, however, somewhat glad that estrogen affects me physically rather than mentally or emotionally. I have enough stuff playing with my mind, I'm glad that estrogen hasn't jumped on the bandwagon.

But... I'm gonna go eat something. Just to be safe.