housecleaning...

Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation? Hebrews 1:14

Found her staring at the rain and asking why it has to hurt so bad. Where's the limit to the pain her heart can take before it breaks in half? I wanted to be strong enough to hold her and show her the way but she's so far out of reach and now all I can do is pray...

Can You spare an angel tonight, send a little help from Your side, cause somebody's lost down here. Let him wing his way through the dark, carry some of Your love into her heart, can You spare an angel, spare an angel, spare an angel.

She wanders further in the dark, feels the cold, hears the thunder cry while the rain keeps pouring down- her only answer from the lonely sky, and she has no idea how much You love her or how much You care, so would You choose one of Your best to be the answer to my prayer?

Can you spare an angel tonight, send a little help from Your side, cause somebody's lost down here. Let him wing his way through the dark, carry some of Your love into her heart, can You spare an angel, spare an angel, spare an angel.

Oh, I don't know what else to pray this time, maybe an angel can lead her lonesome heart away to Jesus' side...

Can you spare an angel tonight, send a little help from Your side, cause somebody's lost down here. Let him wing his way through the dark, carry some of Your love into her heart, can You spare an angel, spare an angel, spare an angel.

~Chris Rice, "Spare an Angel"

Hmm... this song hurts me for some reason. In that little place between the stomach and the liver, there's a place that digests music. Right now, it hurts a little right there in that spot. It would be so easy to blame myself for stuff, but I think I have done enough self-blame lately. All I can say is I started loving the person rather than the soul, and maybe that's where the problems started. I wish I had the heart of Chris Rice. And at the same time, I don't. It is such a wonderful thing to love both.

Stone of Tears

by Terry Goodkind. "Only a fool walks into the future backwards." ~Trimack, commander of Lord Rahl's army.

If only a fool walks into the future backwards and all my street signs are pointing to my past, then it must be a foolish path indeed that I am walking.

Sparks. Leo. Cancer. Virgo. One way street signs. Wrong way street signs. Fire. Tapioca.

Bleh.............................................

Shame

As you all probably know, I am obsessed with Postsecret.com. Well, this week, there was one picture that really kinda caught my attention.

Still, the thought of writing on a baby's forehead is about as creepy as Anne Geddes making them into things other than babies.

Update

In the infamous words of Mr. Cyrus: "I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO RECORD MY LIFE! ARGHH!!"

Backstepping a bit to my trip to Michigan. 16 hours driving out there, split over two days. Wow. I did a lot of sleeping, reading and thinking. I read a 900+ page book in about 6 or 7 days. That's good for someone who is also balancing things like shopping in Charlevoix, helping repaint my grandparents' garage and shed to match the new house colors, swimming, using my now-uncle's Sea*doos, playing Eucher with my grandparents, listening to my whole extended family spontaneously and randomly burst out singing off-key "Goin' to the chapel and I'm goin' to get ma-air-air-reed," putting out my brother/cousin's bonfire, making s'mores, exploring my old favorite haunts, and seeing everyone and their mother, literally, as they all poured into East Jordan days before the wedding.

Wedding day, Friday, we all get ready and assemble at the adorable stone chapel of Saint John Nepo-something-or-other. At 4:00, the priest came out with the groom, just as planned. At 4:10, the groom is wondering if he's been stood up, at the altar. Whispers in the back, "runaway bride" abound. For those of you who don't know my aunt, which is probably most of you, she's been engaged four times, but never married until now. It seemed to be the real-life runaway bride story.

She finally shows up, much to the relief of my new Uncle Dan. They are exchanging vows, and the priest says, "please indicate your intentions to commit..." or something along those lines. They both said something like, "I do" or "I will." The priest looks at them and says, "That would be a yes." They sort of falteringly said yes, and then he continued. The next time, they said yes without the priest correcting them and he stopped and said, "See? They learn! That's good."

When the service was over, with the priest's characteristic and corny "Aaayyy-MEN!" whispers began. Why was she late? What happened? There were multiple stories going around, but here's what I gathered: The limo shows up to get her and its rusted out with cracked leather seats and the stuffing showing inside. She says "No way in heck I'm getting in that on my wedding day." Good thing because the limo wouldn't even start after that. So the bridesmaid loaned the chauffeur the use of her Escalade. Which took them 10 or 15 minutes to sort out.

Yep. East Jordan. Surprising they actually had a limo service.

Anyway, on to the reception. Aparently, there used to be a dairy farm in Charlevoix made of stone walls. In the 60s, the ceiling collapsed. In the 70s, a stage was built for outdoor rock concerts. Finally someone realized, "Hey, these walls sorta look like a castle, complete with turrets. We could fix this place up and hold wedding receptions here. I bet we'd make a lot of money." And they did. The stage was removed and replaced with a giant chessboard. The dairy wings on either side of the stage became the King's and Queen's castles. The silo gained a set of stairs and an elevator to the King's banquet hall in the loft. The backside of it all became the Queen's tavern, with a tent for an outdoor reception. And the separate barn on the other side became the Knight's castle, which is where my aunt's reception was. And this whole thing is made of stone, and its gorgeous now that they've fixed it up.

Anyway... with the exception of my cousin's girlfriend of 8 years getting wasted enough to sleep in his car in a pool of her vomit... the reception went beautifully. There was even a point where the groom was called out on the dance floor (he didn't know why) so that all the women in the place could come up and put little lip stickers all over his body. Kind of a weird concept, but it was fun. At the end, my aunt got to place the last "kiss" sticker and they danced to the funky hip-hop music. It was cool, and the food was fabulous. The music was not my generation, but there were three good songs, although during two of them my mom made me talk to her cousin, who it turns out, has a blue belt in Brazilian Jujitsu. So that was kind of cool because he was the only one in the room who really understood anything I said related to any form of jujitsu. Eveyone else either avoids the topic or tries to make conversation on something they don't understand. And its nice to know there's a fellow jujitsuka in the family.

It was also cool seeing my cousins dancing with my grandparents, and Uncle Dan's children (my new cousins) dancing with my old cousins. I guess there's something about weddings that really pulls people together. With the exception of my Aunt Wanda (she's now divorced from my Uncle Chuck, so not really Aunt anymore, except that she's my cousins' mother) and my cousin Gena and her husband and two kids, everybody descended from my grandparents was there with their spouses and children. It was cool. I haven't seen some of them in many years.

The next day, pretty much everyone from the reception came to my grandparents' house for the annual pig roast, which was much larger this year in order to celebrate Aunt Jill's wedding, Aunt Charnell's birthday, and a family friend's anniversary. There was even a blues/jazz guitarist hired to sing for the day.

The best man at the wedding was there at the pig roast, and he took us out on the waverunners to teach my brother how to waterski. I got to be the spotter, which meant that while he's skiing and we're going really fast, I'm sitting backwards on the seat. It was kinda cool. My brother got up in three tries and then went about 5 times, on some pretty rough waters that we had that day. We came in, ate, and then my brother decided to go out again to try the wakeboard. I didn't get to be the spotter for that one because the kid with mono who knew how decided it would be cool to be the spotter in rough water on a chilly day with the risk of falling in the water and having his liver fail from stress on top of the mono. Bright child. Anyway, my cousin Luke took me out on the other waverunner while they were doing the wakeboarding thing. He promptly baptized us both by flipping the Sea*doo, leaving it upside-down, idling in the water. After turning it off, we had to figure out how to get it upright again (this was the second time that day that it had been upside-down) and to top it off there's a storm coming, so its breezy with no sun, making the water a really nice temperature.

We got everything straightened out, we had a blast, and then came in out of the rain. (It wasn't rainy all day- storms brew quickly over the lake.) Then my dad decided he wanted to leave. We had another 16 hours of driving to do before Monday when he had to go back to work. None of us wanted to, but we all knew there was no other choice. It was as late as we could possibly let it get. It was the first time I've been out there when not one of us wants to leave. Which is saying a lot about my homebody brother who wasn't even going to come until the Creation Festival was cancelled. It was nice to see us bonding. It was also nice to see how grown up my cousins are now. I really respect them and look up to them, despite the fact that many of them are younger than I.

Anyway... driving home I had finished my book, so I did more thinking, and interupted it with reading my Nordstrom manual. Not much to talk about there.

I went straight back to work on Monday, and on Tuesday went to jujitsu. Barb talked about how a lot of the blue belts have had a sort of apathy lately, or their techniques will sort of plateau and then stay there because they aren't interested in what feedback the blackbelts can give them. She made it sound like it was a mental thing- when we do a technique we don't do it whole heartedly anymore. Which makes sense. I'm not sure about anyone else, but I could identify the feeling. I thought it was just me though. I didn't realize it was pretty much all the blue belts. Which is why I haven't been going lately- because I'd rather not practice than practice with my heart not in it and have that lack of heart enforced by the practice. But since Barb doesn't know that is one of my reasons for not going, she might even see that as my lack of heart. She said something about all the people who were absent.

So our focus of the day was on intentions. How to do something, even just walking up to someone, with intention. When you parry and grab a wrist, you parry and grab the wrist because the wrist is yours and belongs to you. Not because that's how the art is supposed to go.

We each got to pair up with a blackbelt, which was cool because we don't often get that one on one blackbelt attention. I chose to work with Scott, because I knew that I respond well to his teaching style. Better than some others. It was good. I could feel myself improving in ways I haven't done before.

However, at one point, he said, "Ok that's good. Your intentions are good. Now, try having the same intention, but smile a little. Even in self defense, you are allowed to enjoy what you do. Its an art."

I wasn't feeling it, but I did. I allowed myself a little smile as I did a stime (aerial somesault sort of thing- like throwing myself) and said to myself, "Smile, mean it, mean the art, do it because you love jujitsu." I had this gnawing feeling. "I don't know if I love jujitsu." But I smiled anyway and discovered that a simple smile can change your outlook. After that, I told myself "Do this because you love it" before doing anything that terrifies me or with which I struggle. Sometimes, I don't love it. But I told myself that in such a way that I could actually believe I do love it.

Its scary because it lends truth to the idea that when you live as an actor, you lose sight of who you are, in place of all the characters you've learned to put on. It means that if I smile enough, eventually I will believe I want to smile.

Anyway... on that note. I'm tired. Its 5 am. It took forever to write that. I'm going to bed now. Bye.

thinking...

I'm not sure if this is going to be cryptic or not. I'm not trying to revert to that little experiment of not sharing with people. But some things just can't be said. Ever. I have to have my secrets. Have to. Its not anything against any of you. But yes I do have a secret that I will take to my grave. Its bugging me right now, so the only thing I can do is vent my feelings without sharing the circumstance.

I've been doing a lot of thinking... and have realized that although honey-glazed almonds are good and healing and special, white chocolate hazelnuts do more for me, and I don't appreciate them enough.

Yeah you know what. I can't compare my friends to a bunch of nuts. So this post is a moot point.

I can't vent here like I used to be able to do. Things have gotten so complicated in the past half year or so.

cool thing on a friend's myspace.

Write nine statements, aimed at different people.
Never tell which one is to who.

1. Get some self-esteem pills already. You're better than you think.

2. I wonder if you'll ever know.

3. I wonder if I'll ever tell you.

4. Totally no offense, but you people are a bunch of idiots. You should have seen it coming.

5. Its been cool getting to know you as a good christian sibling in Christ that I can look up to.

6. I wonder what it would be like if I were a person more compatible with you.

7. Can you let go of me?

8. I wish we could be better friends.

9. You say you can't change, but I think you can.

*Bonus* 10. You are so incredible and I love having you around.

God's grace.

Soo... Anissa, Steve and I were hanging out in her room tonight, battling the heat, and catching up on stuff after work. I'll give you the details on that later... but we heard some commotion next door, not uncommon, cause there are a lot of people over there, and a lot of times there are friends there too. Its the social hangout.

Next thing we know there are at least ten police officers outside, standing a bit of a distance away from their house. Which of course, put them on our doorstep. Anissa had to go meet her cousin, but he couldn't park because of the cops blocking traffic so we walked around the corner. On the way back, Anissa stopped to talk to one of the neighbors.

It turns out they were robbed at gunpoint by six guys. When Anissa heard the descriptions of them, she went over to the police, because they were the guys she'd been watching as they walked up and down the street.

Bottom line is... my life and the lives of two people very dear to my heart were in danger tonight and I didn't know it until afterwards. They should have come here. Anissa's on crutches, Steve was prone on the floor studying, I was on the couch counting out $250 in cash. We had all the doors and windows open because it was so hot, and next to me was my purse containing my passport, birth certificate, and social security card (which happen to be here in New Brunswick so I could fill out paperwork pertaining to my first day at work). Yet instead of picking a house where three girls live (plus one boyfriend who's around a lot), they instead chose a house where there are 5 guys living just in the downstairs apartment. We were an easier target, but we were spared.

As my brother said, "They know where the jujitsu lives." But, I think its something more than that. I wonder what they saw as they looked at our house. Sometimes I feel like the blessings I've been praying onto this house really pay off. Sometimes the house just feels safer than usual. I wonder if when they looked at the house, the spiritual atmosphere intimidated them.

I wonder all that because, as much as I'd like to attribute it to that, I'm not sure I can. Yes, I still pray. But I haven't been quite as "spiritual" as I used to be or would like to be. I don't know. All I know is, something protected us tonight, for which I am deeply thankful.

Stage managers do it in the dark.

I trained at the coffee bar today at Nordstrom's. I went in the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in my uniform... Black pants, black shirt, black shoes. Its basically what I would wear backstage, minus the headset. So I started thinking that this whole job is just theater, which is exactly how you sell a product anyway. And training today is like rehearsal... and I decided that no matter where I go I can't seem to get away from theater, even when I'm trying to take a break. The only difference is, you can stage manage in the dark. You can't froth a cappucino in the dark. Well you could. "But somebody's a gonna get hurt real bad. I'm not gonna say who. But somebody."

And thats about all I can talk about here. Yay me I'm getting paid!

heaven

So... we're all supposed to get mansions in heaven right? I let my mind wander tonight, and I came up with this.

What if the Garden of Eden was one of those mansions, but placed on earth? Would that mean that every mansion in heaven is like a little ecoworld... essentially self-sustaining, with the humans naming and caring for the plants and animals? And if that's the case, would it be one male and one female human per mansion? And if that's the case, perhaps all of us here have someone, somewhere, who is destined to live in that mansion in heaven when we all get there. (I'm sticking to traditional lines of thought and assuming that there's no such thing as homosexuality in this little scenario, because this isn't a political, social, or moral idea. I'm not trying to cause a riot here. I'm also assuming everyone mentioned here is assured a place in heaven, which is another debate entirely.)

I wonder what percentage of people here meet that person they are supposed to be with in that mansion. Like, let's say there's a couple who have been married for 50 years and it wasn't exactly a perfect relationship, but they were both successful and happy with it. The woman dies of cancer, and the man is lonely. He dies a few months later because he feels he has nothing left to live for. And then for whatever reason, I don't know... lets say heaven's version of red tape... the woman is in her apartment waiting for her mansion. They meet each other expecting to join and go to their mansion together, and suddenly they realize, "Wow. We weren't made for each other. We're a close fit, but we don't match. But, then, who will I live with in my mansion??" And then suddenly they turn and there's whoever they were made for, and they realize that while they accomplished a lot on earth together, they somehow managed to miss the person they were created for... and things may not have gone exactly according to heaven's plan because earth is imperfect, but that's ok because they have an eternity to spend with that new person, in which they can accomplish much more.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I just wonder sometimes... what heaven is like, and if I am really doing things on earth the way I'm supposed to.

Life lessons...

Some things I've learned in the past few months or year or more.

Not my original words, but not verbatim either so I don't have to quote the person: "If you wrong me and I turn around and walk away and you walk two miles just to make things right then things are fine between us. But sometimes when I'm mad, I walk fast. Better catch up."

"Sometimes paradise is not the landscape or the weather or the fun activities, but can be found in the eyes of who you are with."

"Don't just fall for the first person to take an interest in you. Make sure they are who you are looking for, and not who your ego is looking for."

I was going to type one more thing, but I can't seem to put it into words. Maybe I'm still learning it. It had something to do with pain. Maybe its not over yet.

MY FRIEND'S AWAY MESSAGE

Found this in Jayne's away message. I agree totally haha.

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings.

bluuuubbbbb

Could you all just take some self-esteem pills? Thanks that would help everything be all better.

(pssssttt! You're more amazing than you seem to think! I love you all!)

Four more days...

Four more days until the vow of silence ends. I'll write my thoughts on that later, but it has been very revealing to me.

For now, here's a quick update on the job front:

Nordstrom's coffee bar pros:
$8.25 an hour
mostly a full time job
really nice atmosphere
friendly employees

Nordstrom's coffee bar cons:
have not yet been offered the job

Rainforest Cafe pros:
$7.50 an hour
very cool/fun atmosphere
scheduled thunderstorm every half hour!
have been offered the job, if I want it
the difference between wearing black and white at a coffee bar vs. wearing a safari outfit with a megaphone on my belt

Rainforest Cafe cons:
$7.50 < $8.25
part time, working up to full if they need me (who knows how long that'll take)

So... I have to let Rainforest Cafe know by the end of Friday because orientation is Sunday. What do I do?? Can I have both? No. Arghhh...

On a different subject, a crazy girl in the mall attacked me so she could polish my fingernails and then offer me a $60 kit for $20 (because she liked how I looked). Any place that can afford to lose two thirds of the asking price has marked their product up to a ridiculous level that I refuse to support.

My left thumbnail is now shiny. She said the process helps the nail grow faster. I wonder if that means my hands will be unbalanced. Personally I don't like that shiny look. Its not natural.

more lyrics

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

~Darryl Worley

summer job

So, I have applied to 26 different places so far. My hand is killing me from writing out job applications. And sad to say, I STILL do not have all the references' phone numbers memorized.

But I was thinking about it. In the four years at Rutgers that I spent picking coins up off the sidewalks, I made $29.09. That calculates to $.0008 an hour. I could deal with that, I think. Maybe I'll just be lazy and stick with the job I have. Too bad its not mirror image though.

:-P

conversation at panera today

-So, lemme get this straight. Because of a perceived misunderstanding between you and me, our respective guys felt they had to protect their women by hating each other, even though there's nothing wrong between us?
-Pretty much.
-That's so... medieval.

Kinda makes me think about something Prof Ryan taught at the jujitsu convention. When someone makes an attack, you parry like the senseis have always taught. But adding creative little things like scraping the eyes, or even faking some other threat will send the attacker's brain into the primeval limbic system, the fight-or-flight system.

But when he taught that I thought about some of the people I knew and wondered how many of them are simply perpetually in the limbic system? How many of them just always base everything off of ancient instinct rather than rational thought?

Sometimes I feel like I know a lot of those types of people.

Waiting for Godot...

Estragon: Well, shall we go?
Vladimir: Yes, let's go.
They do not move.

I seem to be stuck in this evil non-sensical play.

hmm

You sleep more than usual or you sleep less than usual.
When you sleep, its not sound sleep.
You wake up too early or you sleep in later than you should.
You have seen in yourself a decreased appetite, or an increased appetite.
You have lost or gained weight in the last two weeks.
You have trouble making decisions or think slower than you should.
You have lost interest in your daily activities or groups you are involved with.
You tire easily of things you used to do regularly (energy-wise).
You have unexplained aches and pains.
You feel restless.
You question your existance. "Why am I here? Is life worth it?"
You notice your faults.
You feel sad.

I came across a questionaire to take. It didn't give me any results. Instead it said to print the page. It was one of those kinds of questionaires. Too bad I don't have a printer.

rainy day= rainy everything else

Sigh. She was really trying. She was strong. She loved much because she had been forgiven much. And yet she's gone and doesn't care. I feel sorry for her, but cannot judge her because I know how she feels. She's gone and doesn't care.

I can't remember what it feels like to care.

Is this even right then, maybe I am lying to myself by thinking I might be capable of caring now.

catching up

Thursday: We went chipping. Only instead of discarded food… it was furniture. Wheee. Huge thunderstorm too. Amazing.

Friday: READING, PA for a jujitsu convention. Fun. I reactivated that old stupid foot thing. It was red and swollen.

Saturday: Not having iced the foot like I should have, I did more jujitsu. That night, I realized the muscles all up my leg were beginning to be affected so I iced it, accidentally for an hour. I dreamed Cara was saying it was broken.

Sunday: More jujitsu, this time not doing a whole lot on my foot. And then, I got a Professor to do Seifukujitsu, which is a style of massage. It was incredible, and I thought I was gonna die. At the end, my foot was no longer red or swollen. Good stuff.

And now… some confessions.

1. I was irritated.
2. I am torn between two sides of me.
3. I broke my vow of silence for a moment, only because I had to.

And now... another observation like the mirror one.

When I look at you I see a sanctuary. A safe haven. I see where I run in the storm; I see where others run in the storm. I see a safe environment so much like my own that I begin to forget which is which.

When I look at you I see a doctor. Such steady hands, but mine shake. Such desire to see others healed. Such gratitude to see them fixed. Such eager desire to accomplish what they themselves cannot.

When I look at you I see a healer. Such a soothing balm to put on a wound. Such a calm and quiet spirit. A person who brings a light into the lives of others and gives them hope that one day they will be whole again. A person who inspires those in contact to strive to be like you. Is that what I strive for?

And now: My internet is finally working in my new apartment so no more need to do several days at once! Yay to Andrew for whipping my computer into submission!