Pork, commencement, and fortune cookies

I was at a barbecue the other day and asked what type of meat was on my kebab. On learning that it was not pork, I ate it. My Jewish friend was impressed that I don't eat pork, and I had to tell him that I don't do it religiously, it is just that I don't care much for pork. Occasionally, a smoked ham is excellent, or sometimes when I need protein I will throw some bacon bits on my salad. But I am usually enjoying the flavor of something other than pork, like the smoking process for example.

But yesterday after my brother's graduation, we went to Harvest Moon in New Brunswick, and I really could not resist the barbecue pulled pork sandwich. Even today as I eat the leftovers, I am marveling at the taste of it. Wow.

And now I feel bad that I have a blog entry about a pulled pork sandwich and not about the 2010 commencement of the School of Engineering. But my brother puts it succinctly: "...the student speaker quoted Miley Cyrus's twitter page, and in that moment I wanted to not be graduating with her. I then looked up to the ceiling in hopes that the stadium would collapse in an ironic engineering disaster, smiting all of us for allowing such an atrocity to occur." Well, at least that speaker will be remembered in some way.

Also interesting is the perplexing omission of the Pomp and Circumstance processional. Instead, the students walked in to the inspiring sounds of the Olympic theme song. There was no explanation however, I am wondering if perhaps one of the numerous overachievers in the student body might have been an Olympian.

It is hard to believe that I graduated four years ago. My commencement speaker was Randall Pinkett, a winner of Donald Trump's show The Apprentice. It may or may not be a cliched address, but he pointed out that commencement in most people's eyes means school is done for the summer, unless you are graduating and then it means it is done, period. But that is not what the term actually means. To commence means to begin, and commencement is about the beginning of something new in your life. In a sense, it echoed the themes I'd been learning about in jujitsu. People not learning jujitsu see a black belt and think that he must have mastered the art of jujitsu. But in jujitsu, the first degree black belts are not masters. They reach black belt and suddenly none of their techniques are good enough. They have reached the end, in the sense that they have learned the techniques, yet they are students again, because they need to begin to practice and apply them in ways appropriate to their maturity.

I think in the end it all boils down to perspective. The end and the beginning can look the same based on where you are standing. And that is something I still need to remember. That even though I have completed one form of schooling, I can never stop learning. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel that my commencement speaker was so life changing that I wake up every morning thanking my lucky stars that I heard Randall Pinkett speak. But I think that the words he spoke to my class was something my generation needs to hear- to keep on moving forward even when you think you've arrived.

And that all boils down into a single sentence that came to me by way of a fortune cookie. "No one is standing in your way anymore, it is time to move forward." It all just goes to show that graduation ceremonies would be much shorter if the planners would just eat more Chinese food.

Cooking advice

1 can of vegetable broth + 1 can of beef broth = 2 cans of chicken broth

Dining on Mars?

I found this amusing description of a restaurant in NYC:

"An intergalactic shuttle transports guests to the Red Planet for an extraterrestrial, culinary experience they will never forget. [...] Just before your dining experience begins, you must carefully navigate the Rock Fissure Corridor by stepping across a translucent bridge of pontoons floating over molten lava. Once you are safely across, a Cyberguide escorts you to your designated seat on Mars. The Crystal Crater boasts a three-story crystal tree, covered by a glass canopy that affords a spectacular view of the Martian heavens and the Earth beyond. To dine at the Crater's Edge, you must cautiously make your way downstairs, past a steaming Blue Lava Fountain. A 300-square-foot "Window to Mars" displays a colorful combination of elements, offering majestic views of the Martian landscape. A gracious and engaging Cratermaster, our Ambassador of Good Cheer and Levity, choreographs your Epicurean adventure from this point on. Guests are also delighted by occasional interaction with prominent members of local Martian society. By nature, Martians are friendly and gregarious, and their superb hospitality is a hallmark of the Modern Martian Society..."

After reading that, I feel I should either go there, or watch Alice in Wonderland. Not sure which.

Spring Photos

Spring screws around with circadian rhythm. This was a 7 AM photo, after a night of trying to sleep. Jack was also acting weird. He's never decided to sit on top of my monitor before.


I think these are called Phlox.


The bulbs I planted last fall have become some unique variation on a daffodil.


I believe this is called a composite daffodil.


Hyacinth. As pretty as it is, its probably directly responsible for allergy season. Its scent is extremely heavy.


A pink centered daffodil-narcissus thing.


More daffodil variations.


There's a reason the family name for these is Narcissus. They are absolutely perfect.

I've Been

As the mute screams of the broken hearted
Muffle the words of the faithful lover
And the emotional arthritis warns
Of a coming storm,
She sits and stares, seeing nothing
And comes prepared for an empty cornfield
But finds only ancient scrolls
Reminding her she is not the first to feel.

An empty life, a dream remains a dream,
A scattered scrapbook in a box under the bed,
An uprooted tree for the third time,
Digging dirt to find the liquid in the deep
Is an ulterior motive to spiritual gain.

The tears are shadows deep behind the eyes;
Somewhere near the pineal gland
They gather their forces
And march a rhythm with the heart
Blowing in with the east wind
Over the parched ground and the broken stalks of corn
And silently, silently, they come.

response to recent news

I had a chat with a friend the other day about a group of people who recently have been promoting false ideas about God. God does not hate people based on their race, religion, or lifestyle preferences. However, there IS such a thing as sin, and sin creates separation from God.

Think of it like this. Your 5 year-old daughter has been cranky all day. She wouldn't get into the car seat when you needed to get your errands done, she refused to get dressed in the clothes you picked out for her, and now, you are telling her to pick up her toys and put them away, but she is screaming that she won't do it. So you take her to the corner and put her in her time-out chair, partly because she's being disobedient, and partly because you need a break yourself. At no time did you stop loving her, but her disobedience created a necessary distance between you.

This is like a relationship with God. He will never hate a whole country, or a religious system, or any kind of sinner. But there ARE consequences to sin, even though the love is still there. This also answers the classic question, "how can a loving God send people to hell?" My answer is that he doesn't. Separation from God happens because people make that choice.

And thats what I think about that.

love stories

This may be a long story, but here goes. Several years ago, I created a Myspace account. A musician, S, was seeking followers and requested a "friend" status; I accepted. I discovered his music was awesome and we had about 3 conversations regarding it. That was it, I never really talked to him after that. But through post updates, I learned a lot about him and his family and their spirituality.

His sister, R, "met" God on a rock in Ireland and God taught her that she should rely on him for support and be happy in singleness until the day he provided her with a husband. Years later, she wanted a sign that the young man in her life was the one God was providing. God showed the man how to give her the sign, and also told him to propose to her on that rock.

Another young woman, J, "met" God on a beach in Israel, and God taught her roughly the same thing that he'd said to R. Some time later, a woman felt God was telling her to paint a picture for J. The picture featured J on that beach with her hands flung up in the air in pure joy, as if she had just experienced the happiest day of her life. Later, she met S and he spoke with her parents, telling them about where he'd like to propose and would that be ok. Her parents said they'd been praying he would propose in that spot and he had about 3 months to plan it (because that was when she'd be there again). It turns out, he proposed on that beach in Israel.

When I learned of R's story, I thought, "Wow, that is a great story and a wonderfully romantic one. People will delight to hear the story of their romance." When I learned that R's brother had a nearly identical experience, I thought, "R's story isn't unique?? Does this kind of thing happen all the time and I've somehow missed it?"

S posted his wedding video, which I think revealed a huge part of the story. S and R are a part of a close-knit group of people who have an extreme and radical love for God. They are passionate worshipers who do not care if others find their worship styles "weird." So in a sense, it is a nature vs nurture scenario- S and R were raised to expect God to be an integral part of their lives, including their love stories.

After learning of the stories, I had a sort of longing for a story of my own. I don't know how my life will pan out, but when I'm old, I would love to have a love story that makes people say, "Aww" when they hear it. Don't jump to conclusions about my current relationship though- we never know what kind of story we are in while it is happening. It is only afterward that we can look back and see the big picture. Even the disciples of Jesus experienced this.

But when I examine my life, I find several things.

1. I do not have a place where I "met" with God. Yes, I know God personally, I have a relationship with him as my caring and protecting Father. But the supernatural events that those girls experienced in their meeting places have not happened for me, nor do I expect them to. I have a B.A. in theater; I am quite jaded by flashy theatrics. I would be incredibly honored and blessed if God just "showed up" one day in a heavy cloud and a flash of lightning, or even if he told a painter to paint a picture of me that only I had knowledge of. But because of my background, I don't think that is what would capture my heart the most, and I think he knows that and would choose to meet with me in some other way. My secret place when I spend the most time talking to God happens in the shower and I am quite certain I don't want anyone proposing to me there.

2. I do not have the same passionate excitement about worship. I worship God, I pray to God, I sing to God. But I do not do it like a child with ADHD on Halloween. I am subtle, I am peaceful and serene. In some ways I feel that this may somehow cheat God, that I am not as excited about being with him as other people are.

3. I was raised to understand that not everyone loves or worships God. There are people out there who have chosen different beliefs and want to practice different things. They want a life without God in it. In living my life and interacting with those people, the spirit of God in me brings God into their life, but in the same instance, their life-without-God is brought into my life. That sounds like an Asian or Hawaiian philosophy but I guess what I mean is we don't live in bubbles. Things drag us away from our goals whether we know it or not. God is very important to me, but he is not as integral a part of my life as the group S and R (and spouses) are a part of.

It is interesting to note that in my observations, I do not mention "finding a romantic boyfriend." While I think it is important for a guy to be able to hear from God from time to time, and have moments of inspiration that put him on a higher romantic level than a caveman, I think that the most important part to finding the perfect mate for me is being who I am supposed to be in the first place.

I will conclude with another love story. A was lonely and wanted a boyfriend. She was not content to wait for God to bring one into her life, so she did some things that may have indicated her impatience. After struggling and being hurt by the complexities of it all, she began to focus on her own relationship with God instead of a relationship with a guy. She let God fix some areas of her life, and quite suddenly, in Anne of Green Gables style, the Gilbert in her life stopped fighting with her, they both realized mutual feelings of attraction, and are now following the path that they believe leads to marriage. (If Anne of Green Gables is too modern for your tastes, try Pride & Prejudice and read that as "the Mr. Darcy in her life stopped...")

The biggest thing that could be impressed on me is that an "aww" love story comes from ME being who I am meant to be, not from someone else being imaginative and romantic. Now how do I become ME?

Religion, Philosophy, Spirituality

Having a conversation with a friend, I realized I have my own philosophy on life that, although it does not contradict the teachings of my chosen denomination, is really uniquely ME. I'm not claiming I have some big spiritual revelation that will one day be taught as supplemental commentary or anything. Just that I like to think for myself.

1. I see no need to capitalize names of deities. Or names of my friends, or cities, or any proper noun. in current culture when people write without punctuation and capitalization it is viewed as being less stuffy and proper and more like the average person out there. you are more informal, more on the same level with someone. it is like you are sitting in their living room with a cup of tea and no one cares if you don't have the right punctuation. it is not like you are writing a dissertation, its just a cup of tea in a living room. when talking about god or jesus people know who you are talking about without capitalization. one could argue that capitalization indicates honor and your level of respect, but i would argue that it really isn't much of an honor to capitalize a name. ooh i just hit the shift key so your name would be capitalized, wow aren't you honored by that? or in writing, ooh i just made the same exact stroke, only bigger so it would be capitalized. really, its not such a sacrifice to write in caps. a better way to show your level of respect for god is to love him, and show your love. wear it on your face and wear it in your actions. even if you are writing it online, it will come out in what you say, even if you do not specifically state it, and even if you do not use capital letters.

2. People are jerks. In the words of one friend, "Most people are bastard covered bastards with bastard filling." In the words of Jesus, "You will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me." In the words of Paul the Apostle, "In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." But how most people think to deal with those jerks is different based on where you live (China vs America vs Israel), when it is occurring (present day or in the past under different social or legal standards), and just what it is they are doing to you (holding a gun to your head or cursing you out on the elevator).

My philosophy incorporates Jesus' words to love your neighbor like you love yourself, bless those who curse you, do good to those who mistreat you, and treat everyone the way you would want to be treated. I do not believe Jesus said this because he was a pansy. I believe he recognized that we cannot be responsible for others' actions, only our own. I attempt to follow Jesus' advice. I try to be nice to people, because I would want them to be nice to me back. But I have no expectation that they will be nice back. I am nice to them for my own sake, not for theirs. So whatever they do back is not my problem. The only thing I can do is cultivate in myself a sense of compassion for all things. I can not be responsible if they choose not to accept my offer of harmony. I often wonder, when reading my Bible, if Jesus ever used parts of the Buddhist philosophy in some of his teachings.

(Disclaimer: Buddhism has been around since between 600-400 BCE and its philosophy on a whole is not in agreement with the teachings of Christianity, however there are good points that can be used to make Christian beliefs more understandable.)

3. The creation vs. evolution argument. Frankly, we're here now. It doesn't matter how we got here. You cannot change the past, as anyone with an ex can tell you. Given how flawed human nature is, both options are probably wrong anyway. If I had to choose, my brother's ideas that both options are not mutually exclusive of one another makes a lot of sense, but only in his words. I can not put it into my own words, nor do I care to. I do not care how we got here, and I cringe when I hear the violence in my friends' voices when they discuss it.

4. The end times. Yes, the world is probably going to end soon. But people have been saying that since just after Jesus rose from the dead and went back to Heaven. My theory is that Jesus came, and gave people a glimpse of what Heaven would be like. We now have an acute sense that Heaven is not here on Earth, and its outlook seems bleak. Specifically how the world is going to end is highly debated among differing churches. I take the same position as before: I don't care. There is no sense worrying about the future when it hasn't happened yet. Since no one knows the exact moment when the "beginning of the end" will come, the only thing that we can do is live our lives in order to make every moment count. This does not mean go out and get drunk every night or have wild sex parties or ride every rollercoaster in the world. All it means is my philosophy #2. Live in harmony. Live in peace. Love God. Let that love be evident to everyone else. When you love people, do it in a way that says, "God loves you more than I do."

5. Abortion. Human life begins at conception. Killing a fetus is taking a life. Taking a life is not always wrong (commandment #6 forbids murder, not killing- Exodus 20:13). Any further discussion of abortion is not a religious discussion, it is purely a legal and social debate about the implications of establishing laws for or against it, therefore it should not be discussed in a blog entry about religion and spirituality. I personally would not be able to cope with the emotional and psychological consequences of having an abortion, but then again I also don't kill spiders in the house; I put them outside.

6. Church. Why go to church when you can sing music and read your Bible in the comfort of your own home? The quite simple answer is that you can have friends who agree with at least a portion of your beliefs. It is, in a sense, a support group. Church is fellowship, it is not the building, but the people. Having someone, even if it is just one person, to stand by your side while you are struggling with something God is telling you, can make all the difference in the world.

7. Prayer. This is not a Dear Santa letter. God is a being. Prayer is open communication. It goes two ways. No, I don't hear him audibly, although some people do. For me, prayer is like dialing in to the power holding the universe together. God is in the thunder and the wind and the ocean for me, and when I feel his presence, my mind simply puts all the pieces together of the things that I struggle with. And no, God is not just in the wild parts of nature. God is in the songs of the spring peepers, the cicadas, the bullfrogs at night. God is in the fog and the mist on May evenings, and in the warmth of good soil, and in the sun shining through the window while I'm doing dishes. The Chinese have a name for this power that runs in and through everything, sustaining living things; it is Qi.

8. To be continued...

Thats all for now. Is there a topic you would like me to cover here? Is there anything you would like to hear my thoughts on? Do you disagree with anything I've said? I'd like to hear from you.

History

A little bit of a history lesson:

A long time ago, the followers of Jesus founded a new religion. This new religion had leaders and attempted to follow all of Jesus' teachings as much as possible. But its hard to know exactly what he wants when he's not there in flesh and blood to tell you. Time passed, the Roman Empire split, Christianity was legalized, all other religions were outlawed, great philosophical schools were closed. The people were no longer taught to think for themselves, but believed what they were told to believe. In 754, the pope was given political control of central Italy. This union of religion and state is evidenced by the term "Holy Roman Empire" which encompassed more than just Rome. The pope's decrees became law to the monarchs of Europe. There was one religion, and doubt in that religion led to questioning and torture. Just as in the Salem witch trials, if you didn't like someone, you could accuse them of being a heretic, and they were taken away to bother you no more. Your piety was no longer about a personal belief, but about how popular you were. The more popular, the less your chance of being accused. The church demanded tithes, the kings demanded taxes, and together, the poor became poorer. Church services, which were mandatory, were done in Latin, and those who couldn't understand Latin just had to take it on faith that the Bible actually said what they thought it said.

In the late 1300s, John Wycliff, a scholar at Oxford University, read the Bible in Latin and came to the conclusion that it should be read by all people in their own language. Because he believed that the government (and not the church) should have control over affairs of the state, he received the protection of John of Gaunt, who was seeking to gain power over the young King Richard II. (There was a power struggle in the English court, in addition to the power struggle occurring between the two popes each claiming the other was a fraud.) He translated the Bible into English, and came to the conclusion that the traditional laws of the church are not as important as the laws laid out in the Bible, and that salvation comes through faith and not through any action or price we can give to the church.

In 1517, Martin Luther said pretty much the same thing, except in more detail. These two men started movements that would lead to the nearly global idea now, that people are free to choose their own religions. People are now equipped with the knowledge of the tenets of many varying beliefs, and possess an understanding of the (spiritual, and/or physical) repercussions of choosing one belief over another. The battles that were fought, and the people that were killed in order to establish and preserve this freedom for the people of today are just as important as the people who died in battle to establish the freedoms of democracy.

So when I tell you my beliefs, it is because I have exercised this wonderful freedom, and have chosen my religion. Your attempt to convince me I am wrong is just as threatening to me as Wycliff was to the foundations of the Catholic church.

EDIT: The title of this post is called "History" for 2 reasons. In the first, it is because the post is about historical events. Secondly, the idea for this post occurred so long ago in my own history that I am only able to recall the rumbling threat to my beliefs, and not the details of the incident. So, in answer to your question, no, I cannot explain.

Dear Careerbuilder.com

Dear Careerbuilder.com,

The job you recommended I apply for requires a knowledge of pharmaceutical sales, health care, and the Korean language.

What part of my resume made you think I would be good for that?

Sincerely,
Meghan

Beautiful

Eight months ago, I met up with an older friend who is kind of a mother figure, to catch up on old news and make plans for new news. At one point in the conversation, she said, "Wow, I cannot get over how different you look! You walk as if you know you are walking in fulfillment of your destiny and your dreams. You walk as if you know you are beautiful."

Now, I am doing exactly the same things, but my walk is slouched. I can't turn my neck to the right for the pain, and while I am taking steps toward my destiny, I second-guess everything and don't take a single step without advice from at least one person. I don't have the confidence I had eight months ago, and I wonder... "It was my destiny then, but is it still my destiny? Can a destiny change like that? Or is a destiny more like a compass, always pointing you in the right direction?"

Its not beauty, its confidence.

Someday...

Someday, I will not feel the need to cling so tightly to the cross. Someday, I will be able to walk hand-in-hand with God instead of hanging and white-knuckling it.

I am able to hope.

PUSH

I went back to my home church today. I haven't been there since Christmastime, but I had been told, "You can't miss this service." The service in question started with the music as usual, but Pastor did not give the sermon. Instead, a group called Push Physical Theater took the stage. Push is an interesting concept. Imagine a street mime in a large city coming together with other mimes, and forming a group that is one part Pilobolus, one part Shoestring Players. They are incredibly expressive, evoking the mental image precisely as the real thing appears, have incredible trust for each other, and are incredibly physically fit.

While it was a struggle for me to get there (it took all of Jack's efforts plus a small miracle to get me out of bed this morning), and a struggle for me to be there, I really felt that even though I was not able to experience it without a struggle, it was still important that I be there and see/hear the actors' message.

I'd love to share my impression of the message, as it struck me, but I can't. It is too personal. But it revealed a lot of thing about myself, and in a sense, showed me a little bit of who I am.

I cried on the way home. I'm not who I want to be.

How Far?

How far can it be,

The road we travel, you and me

How far can we go along

How long can we sing this song

How far can I let you go

Before you've found another road

How much road is in my head

And how much road is mine to tread

Relationships, like the Tree Pose, are a balanced posture.  "Falling into center, falling out of center," as my yoga instructors say.  We can walk along together, hand in hand, but how much will we let each other get away with before we lose that precarious balance we have?

Just something that struck me today.

Jack-ass

Hey everyone, its your friendly neighborhood cat, Jack. I think I've posted on Meg's blog once before. I just wanted to tell you about all the scary things that happened yesterday.

The electricity went out, so all the fans and noises in the house shut off, and it got so quiet that it made me nervous. Then, the carbon monoxide alarm started beeping because it had no power, and it was so loud that I ran upstairs to hide under Meg's bed. But, she was headed downstairs with a box of matches so I came out from under the bed to see what she was doing. She also turned off the alarm so it didn't hurt my ears.

Then, she lit some candles, and OOOH I don't like fire, at all, and matches make such a strong smell that it hurts my nose. I went back up to hide, but then I heard the kitty kibbles shaking downstairs which means dinner time so I came back out. After dinner, Meg started mumbling something about it being "57 degrees in here." I don't know what degrees are, but she didn't sound happy. She grabbed a shovel and started making all this noise outside and it scared me, and Slinky and Sister, so we ran- or sort of hopped- to the garage but it was so windy and snowy outside that we almost didn't make it.

Then the noise stopped and there was a nice clear path to the door, so we started to come back but then around the corner of the house, we saw a big furry monster coming towards us with a great big bundle of wood, and we got scared again. Sister was pretty sure it was just Meg, but we weren't taking any chances.

The monster went back out and brought in more wood, and this time we saw that it was Meg so we followed her inside but then she dropped the whole bundle on the kitchen floor with such a bang that I ran down to the basement and hid inside the walls. I was just coming back out because Meg was in the basement looking for batteries and I wanted to help her. But then all of a sudden the lights blazed on and the vacuum started up and tried to eat Meg!! I was so scared I was going to run two flights up to hide under her bed again. But I got to the living room and saw that the big black fire monster was hot and crackling again. I don't like that creature. It burned my paw when I was little and I have never forgiven it.

So Meg sighed and picked me up and carried me past it, and when she put me down, she sneezed and I ran to hide under her bed again. She came upstairs and told me she didn't want me under the bed, but I am not sure why. I don't really understand English very well. She said something about dust and allergies but I don't know what an allergy is. But then pretty soon, she reached under and grabbed me and dragged me out from under the bed. OOOH that made me MAD!

Meg here, I'm taking over for Jack, since its time for him to go eat. So yeah, I grabbed him and dragged him out and started blocking up the spaces so he couldn't continue to go in and out, in and out. I look over and he's peeing on my couch, where I had tossed some of my clothes.

In cat-ese, this gesture means, "F#@$ you." So after a quick smack which probably didn't hurt since he sat there and continued peeing, I yelled at him. I shut my bedroom door, and released a rant he had to listen to for ten minutes.

"What do you think you are doing? Why would that possibly cross your mind as an okay place to pee? You want to be vindictive, is that it? No you can't go out, you have to sit here and listen to me yell. Listen, bud, if you want to be vindictive, well, two can play at that game. I can be vindictive too. You just opened up a can of worms, Mister. You woke the sleeping giant. If you want vindictive, I'll give it to you. I'll fill all your hiding spots with BALLOONS, and THEN what will you do?"

I didn't talk to him the rest of the night. He should be glad I didn't throw him out on the porch with the other two cats.

As close to a tweet as I'm going to get

Good country music with a nice beat, roaring fire in the fireplace, hardwood floors for dancing, 98 degrees in here, and the only things missing are a faithful dog, a good man, and moonshine.

How to help Haiti

Here is an excerpt from an article I came across:

"Since the [Dominican Republic] shares the island of Hispaniola with Haiti, some vacationers have canceled their plans, fearing disruption to their holidays due to the January earthquake. [...] it’s important to know that there was absolutely no damage to the Dominican Republic, nor is air service being disrupted. [...]

"As for the emotional quandary of lying on a beach on the same island as Haiti, remember that the Dominican Republic depends on tourist dollars and will be in big trouble if people don’t come during its high spring season. Arthur Applbaum, a Harvard University professor of ethics, commented on this dilemma in a recent AP story. 'The people of Haiti are suffering whether you take your beach vacation in the Dominican Republic or in Hawaii, and it is a failure of the moral imagination not to be equally troubled in Waikiki,' he says.

There you have it. If you want to do your part to help out, you should go on vacation to the DR.

Combustion

Recently, a lot of things have happened. Steve diagnosed me with vitamin D deficiency, by accident. He asked if it was possible, I said maybe, then we changed the subject. Later, I looked it up and found that mood can be greatly affected by vitamin D, which can also work towards the prevention of acne (which I've been struggling with since October). And, my recent craving for mushrooms which are high in vitamin D also points in the same direction. Steve didn't know any of the signs, he just asked intuitively. When I asked him about it, he said it just popped into his head. It wasn't a getting-ready-for-med-school moment, it was just a moment.

I'm taking vitamin d supplements now, and it somewhat improves my outlook, and the look of my face. But there are still days, winter blues days. Today is the day I would have gone out and gotten all my errands done. But my brother has my mom's car, she has mine, and I have my brother's which has no brakes. I'm pretty much house-bound in a snow-covered town in the sticks. And I'm sick and tired of looking for jobs on the internet.

I'm left with my thoughts, which aren't very good. I end up taking sides when I sit and think about the situation some people are in. This whole situation happened to two different sets of people in my life, and in both cases I have to disagree with the side who'd be most offended if they knew I disagreed.

A friend of mine started a blog, and tried to explain why he did it. I think that he summed it up very nicely with this sentence: "A means to explode and remain in text." For me, its not a real explosion, its more like the small continuous explosion that occurs in a combustion engine. 955 blog entries and I still have not finished exploding.

On Monday morning, at 4:10 am my alarm clock went off. I got out of bed and went to the computer, where I was joined by my brother and Steve. At 4:14 am, we watched the space shuttle Endeavor launch. At 4:16 am, we went to the south-facing window in my closet and knelt on the floor to wait for Endeavor to pass by. At 4:20, my brother began to doubt his calculations and went to the computer to check the flight path. At 4:22, Steve and I spotted a bright star traveling across the sky and started yelling for my brother. He did manage to get back in time, and we followed its path from due south to due east. At 4:24, the NASA announcer on the streaming video declared that the shuttle was now in orbit, and we all could go back to sleep. I was reminded of the 6th grade, when I just knew I was going to be an astronaut some day regardless of my opinion of math and physics. The whole junior high spent months preparing for a field trip to a mock space station, where each person works as part of mission control, or as the flight team. It was probably the best field trip because instead of learning facts, we learned skills, communication and teamwork. I miss those days of dreaming. Now, I can't dream, I just have to pick a profession and chase it.

I still love to watch the stars though.

Discovery

I realize that eschatology can be an imprecise study at best, however I heard a sermon this week regarding the end times, which got me thinking. I don't know when the end will come, I don't know if Christians will be taken away before chaos rules the world. But I started thinking about some people I know who already seem to be lost in chaos, before any of this crazy end times chaos has started, and I started getting scared for them. If all the Christians were to disappear, and all the world were to be deceived afterward, it seems impossible to think that anyone could become a follower of God and remain so through persecution without a strong Christian to lift them up. I suppose it all boils down to worry. Worry for my friends and family, that in the end, there will be a right or wrong side and that they will choose the wrong side. But last night, in talking to two friends, I came to the conclusion that I cannot worry for everyone. One friend said, "Worry is an indication that you lack faith in their own decisions." And further, if Jesus really did come to save mankind, then the saving is His to worry about, not mine. I can only do His bidding and learn to listen when He speaks. And tonight I learned that since the burden of worry is lifted off my shoulders, I must fill this new found time with becoming the person I was meant to be, and being that person sincerely, without any fancy glaze on the outside hiding who I really am.

Its a rough morning.