How to be neurotic.

The theory is that everyone is an expert on something, and through blogging, a person can be that expert, even if it is something simple like "fashionable t-shirt expert."

My problem is I have a lot to say about a lot of different topics, but I would not consider myself an expert on anything.  Do I really have a right to blog, if that is the purpose for blogging, and if I am not an expert?  Am I selling myself short by believing I am not an expert?  I have been trying for 5 or more months to write about something that's been turning around and around in my head, but I can't seem to get it to come out.

If I had one blog entry left to write, and upon having written it, I would die, what is the one thing you wish I would write about?  Do I have something valuable in me to leave to others before I go?  More importantly, perhaps I should turn the question around to myself.  If I had one blog entry left before I die, what is the one thing I would want people to know?  I suppose for the purposes of this line of questioning, I'll make the rule that the "I love you and goodbye" stuff has been gotten out of the way, so I can't write that.

I see blogs about people's photography, the journey of motherhood, style and fashion, style and fashion on a budget, DIY projects, DIY wedding projects, healthy foods, unhealthy foods, you name it and it is out there somewhere.  But I don't think there is any one thing that I can safely say is "MY" area of expertise.  Except "being me" and that... who really wants to try and be me?  Its impossible and a crazy idea.  Just tonight I was making faces at my webcam and being silly.  Nobody really can be my kind of silly, they can try but they will just end up being their kind of silly.

So what am I getting at?  I suppose its a strange and slightly neurotic mix of "I'm unique but I have nothing unique enough to interest people on a blog."  Sometimes I feel I could write the book on being neurotic though.  If I had a blog about how to be neurotic, do you think anyone would read it?

The Crossroads

So, I came to a crossroads and I had a choice.  I could blog about some spiritual topic which I've forgotten but which made me go "Ahhhh too comp-
licated!"  I could blog about "my type of man."  Or I could blog about my favorite flavor muffin.

The only logical blog topic, of the three, is the muffin.  There are many different types of muffins I've eaten, and most of them I've liked, with the exception of the lime-green colored pistachio muffins.  When it comes to baking, my favorite muffin to bake is this, the Pumpkin Apple Streusel Muffins.  They are not incredibly difficult, and also, not incredibly easy.  But they are incredibly tasty.  There are also so many ways you can make variations on them, so they can be catered to the health-food crowd, the weight loss crowd, the I-just-have-weird-tastes crowd, and the I-don't-care-how-unhealthy-it-is-I'm-still-going-to-eat-it crowd.

But when it comes to store-bought muffins, I think I have to say I like to stick to the good old traditional blueberry muffin.  Bonus points if the blue gooey goodness is there but somehow in baking the blueberry skin has disintegrated and become part of the muffin batter.  For some reason, this is only my preference for muffins.  Blueberry pancakes and waffles, in my opinion, taste best when made with artificial "bluettes" which are balls of blueberry-flavored cornstarch or some other thing that will dissolve when cooked.

And while we're talking about breakfast foods, here's a recipe for you to try and get back with me.  Get a box of Bisquick or other prepared pancake/waffle mix.  Use the appropriate amount of dry mix to make waffles.  Omit all liquid ingredients listed on the box and replace with the same amount of raspberry ginger ale.  If you are allergic to red dye #40, R.W. Knudsen has some fun all-natural spritzer flavors, like boysenberry.  Or, you can use regular ginger ale but then you don't get that cool pink color of the batter.  When the batter is just barely mixed, pour a cup at a time onto a waffle iron and make waffles.  No need for syrup- the sugar in the ginger ale or spritzer should be enough unless you like the idea of developing diabetes.  This is one of my favorite "lazy-day" recipes because it has only two ingredients and is very easy to throw together.  Enjoy!

Re-vamping my life

No, thats not what I mean, but the word re- vamping does make me giggle.  I just mean I think I need to fix some aspects of my life.  This is not because of the new year, or maybe it is.  I don't really believe New Year's Resolutions work, but it just so happens I'm thinking about making some changes and its January as well.

I spend a lot of time on the computer, blogging, following others' blogs, learning new web design skills, learning from others' blogs what designs work or don't work, job hunting, and wasting time.  As you can see, not all of my time on the computer is a waste of time.  I just think perhaps it should be made more productive than not.  For instance, I don't really need to follow the blogs I follow for the writing itself.  But in seeing how others make changes to their designs, I can see something cool, say, "I want that," and then figure out the html to do it.  So should I stop reading those blogs?  I don't know.  It certainly would save me a lot of time to quit reading them.

On the other hand, learning all this cool html stuff, learning how Blogger design works, learning what looks good and what doesn't... all that stuff has to count for something, right?  Can I use it to make my life (and my massage business?) more productive?  Can I make a little moolah designing my friends' blogs or websites for them even though I haven't gone to school for graphic design or web design?  I feel like the world is changing faster than it used to and if I want my business to succeed, I have to try and keep it current.  And I feel like that last sentence makes me old.  Am I OLD?

One thing is for sure, THIS blog is staying the same.  I like my blue dragon, even though I've forgotten what name I gave him.  Was it Fred?  I can't remember.  Although, I do believe I'm going to try to put more pictures in my blogs more often.  Everyone likes pictures.

Here's a list of ways I'm thinking of adjusting:
1.  Yoga and Pilates.  That was going to start last week, but I was sick.  So its starting this week.
2.  Running and Dancing.  For those days when I'm sick of Yoga and Pilates.  In all, I intend no more than 1 hour of exercise per day.  I have other things to get done too, you know.
3.  My Massage Website maintenance.  New updates every few days, alternating between my webs.com site and my facebook fan page.
4.  Book blog and Tea blog.  Because books and tea go so well together, I can do research for both at the same time.  The only thing better would be to drink tea while reading a book about tea and then blog both.  If I can make them great, perhaps I'll get enough traffic to generate some income.
5.  Squidoo.  A friend suggested I try this.  The Squidoo slogan is something along the lines of "Everyone is an expert at something" and presumably, that is why one should begin making lenses at Squidoo.  I have not tried it yet because I have this fear that I will have nothing worthwhile to write about.  Someday, maybe this year, I will try it.
6.  Jill-of-all-trades.  My post-high-school education suggests I might have one of three possible career areas.  It is my goal to have a career in everything, and defy my family's expectations that I will one day settle down with one.

Just thinking...

My first post of 2011!  Apparently, people have been waiting to hear what I have to say.  Unfortunately, its not much.

The first thing I have to say is, Blogger's new editor sucks.  Hitting "enter" doesn't create a line break, it takes me back to the top of the entry, which is annoying.

In other news, I've been sick since Sunday night, with the longest sustained fever in the history of Meghan.  While waiting to get better I slept more than my cat, and listened to the New Testament on tape.  Which leads me to my first pondering question of the night.

It seems that in Jesus' day, there were a lot of people going around and being possessed by demons.  And not just the kind of demon possession where a reader could think, "Oh well it was a mental illness but in those days they didn't know what to call it so they called it demon possession."  These demons had personalities different from the people they were possessing, and brought to their hosts abilities humans cannot sustain, such as breaking through chains and taking gates off their hinges (yes, those stories were around long before "The Exorcist").  Having a personality disorder does not give you superhuman strength.  It also does not give you knowledge.  When Jesus encountered a demon-possessed person, the demons would declare him as "the Son of the Most High God," "the Holy One of Israel," or some other title which Jesus was not yet making public to his followers.  He would tell the demons to be quiet.  So, it seems clear to me that when it comes to demon possession, the accounts found in the Gospels are not simply misdiagnosed mental disorders.

My question is about today.  Aside from the movies, we don't see instances of demon possession.  The crazed people living in the wilds outside the city limits do not have superhuman strength.  They often have watery eyes, runny noses, and scars on their forearms.  So, where did all the demons go?  Did something happen that makes humans less vulnerable to possession?  Do the demons still possess people but have found a way to make their hosts blend into society better so that no one would suspect?  Did the demons simply find a better method to accomplish their goals (whatever those may be)?  Or is it just that all such instances of demon possession are hidden away and swept under the rug (denial of existence)?

And there were a few other things I was going to talk about but I think I'll save it for another day.

Reading faces like a wolf...

I recently visited a church I've never attended before. While putting on my coat to leave, I was ambushed by two girls caked with makeup and hair that screamed "OH PLEASE STOP TORTURING ME!!"

"Hi!!!! I'm Jodi, and this is Elizabeth!!!" Not their real names; I forgot their names the moment I replied politely with my own.

"Have you been coming here long??!!" I replied that I was visiting the church because a friend attends, and pointed her out. "OHH thats great!! We loooove her so much!!"

The whole conversation continued like that. My friend came over to say hi to the girls, and they talked for much longer than I had the patience for. Elizabeth had such a large grin stuck to her face that I thought the skin on her nose was going to rip off. It reminded me of a story I once read about a girl who was lost in the wilderness. She tried to show the wolves she was friendly and not food by smiling at them but then realized that a smile to a wolf looks the same way a snarl does- squinted eyes, raised lips and bared teeth. I imagined I must have part wolf in me.

My friend wandered away and I was now finished bundling up for my trip back into the cold. The girls took the hint that I was leaving. "Well, it was wonderful meeting you; I hope we see you again soon!!!" And then they both hugged me.

I have to say, I love hugs. I love hugging my friends, and I sometimes hug my Asian friends who grew up without that in their culture and find it "weird." But that is the thing. I hug my friends. People who I know will forgive me for not adhering to their cultural differences, people who love me regardless of my invasion of their personal space. (And yes, I need my own space too. I am not a 24-7 hug machine.)

If I have just insulted you five times in three paragraphs written in my head while you continued talking, don't hug me. If I am new to your church and you appear to have a plastic grin on your face, don't hug me, and don't invite me back. And more importantly, if I have just compared you in my head to a helpless child and myself as a wolf, don't hug me.

I enjoyed the service quite a lot, I enjoyed being with my friend and having a new experience. But my impression of the church is that it embodies all the reasons I stopped going to a brick and mortar church (way-too-cheerful-people, worship songs that make no sense when you actually read the lyrics, nothing in the sermon that I didn't already know from 3rd grade.)

However, I did love the fact that my visit to the church caused me to imagine myself as a wolf. That was a highlight of my night.

Another reason to have a kid...

"Well, our first year in our apartment, we got a puppy. The second year, we got another puppy. The agreement we signed says two dogs maximum, so we figured the next logical step would be to have a baby."

Making Christmas Cookies

Meg's Lemon Glaze (yes I invented my own instead of going to allrecipes.com)

Ingredients:
1 Lemon
2 cups powdered sugar

Directions:
Zest lemon. Set zest aside. Slice lemon, squeeze juice out. This should make roughly 1/4 cup of juice. If not, you may have to supplement with another lemon, or bottled lemon juice, although it also would not hurt to have less than the full amount.

Place 1 cup powdered sugar in a bowl. Mix lemon juice and zest into bowl. Slowly stir in the second cup of powdered sugar. If you are short 1 1/2 cups of powdered sugar from the beginning, get your dad's coffee grinder out of the cupboard. Clean out the remains of the rosemary you ground in it last time and did a crap job of cleaning. Mix granulated sugar into the grinder, and run it until you no longer hear the sugar grains hitting the sides. Do this three or four times, since the grinder only holds 1/2 cup of sugar at most. By the time you get the correct proportions into the bowl, the glaze will be thick and creamy, but fairly fluid. This is ok. Place on your favorite cookies or pound cake, and set aside in a cool place. It will harden in a little while and then you can place the cookies in a sealed container.

My day yesterday involved bad or missing ingredients and the best substitution I could come up with, so it was only somewhat productive because I lost a lot of time deviating from the recipe. Several of the recipes I wanted to do yesterday had to get moved to today. My cooking today seemed to go a bit better, and I managed to follow three recipes, invent two, and direct my dad and brother on making the appetizer for tonight's Christmas party. The cats are fed, the dishes are clean, and it looks like I might actually be dressed up for the party AND arrive on time, with the wrapped $5 gift for the gift game.

The only thing is the crackle-top ginger snaps didn't crackle-top themselves. I don't know why.

Blanche DuBois

So, yesterday I went to a dinner prepared by my great aunt, who is visiting her brother in NJ. These two are the siblings of my biological grandmother, who died when my dad was three. I find it wonderful that even after all these years, they still remain in contact with their sister's side of the family.

Now that I've got all the pleasantries out of the way, and you know I appreciate them, I'm going to make a few jokes out of the evening.

I walked in, and my dad's aunt, G.A.B for short, kissed me as all great aunts do and said, "Gracious, I haven't seen you since you were 16 and you visited my farm in the midwest!"

Me: No Aunt G.A.B., I am pretty sure I saw you the last time you came out this way, just a few years ago.
G.A.B.: Oh heavens, I haven't been out this way in many years! [Begins to walk back to the kitchen to finish the preparations.]
Me: Weren't you here just after your trip to Machu Picchu?
G.U.D. (Dad's uncle): Yes, yes, you're correct Melanie- I mean- Meghan. She did go to Mexico a while back.
[Now my head is spinning as I try to keep my South American countries straight: "Peru- no, Argentina, no, its that one on the side..."]
Me: You mean Chile?
G.U.D.: Ah yes, South America. You are right.

To clarify matters, I did visit G.A.B.'s farm- in 1993 (age 9). Upon further reflection, it is possible I may have acted 16 while I was there. But I know for a fact my 16th birthday was spent in a car traveling to Nova Scotia, and that is the only vacation destination my parents chose that summer.

After our general greetings were accomplished, we sat in the living room catching up while waiting for my dad to arrive (there was traffic on Rt. 17 so we expected him to be delayed). My brother was unable to come, so after an explanation of his absence, discussion naturally turned to his job.

Mom: He had to have a physical done in order for him to be on a special project, so he scheduled the appointment and when he got there, they ran the test two or three times before the doctor came out and informed him that the machine was not set to measure the physical fitness of people as healthy as he was, and that for that reason, they could not give him an accurate read-out.
G.A.B.: Why didn't they know this before they hired him?
Me: Because his job usually doesn't require great physical fitness, only this special event did, so they tested him when the occasion arose.
G.A.B.: What was the job?
Me: They knew he would be outdoors, running, jumping, lifting, things like that.
G.A.B.: But what would he be doing that for?
Mom: Well, they want him to know what the soldiers go through so that when he's doing his engineering stuff, he can figure out how to make new inventions that would keep them safe and make their job easier. So they had him running all the same maneuvers the new recruits would have to learn.
G.A.B.: I still don't understand the job.
Mom: They gave him and his teammates laser tag guns. The opposing team had to hide among civilians on an abandoned train car, and they had to go in, kill the enemy without harming civilians, and secure the car. Then they would switch.
G.A.B.: [in utter consternation] But thats... thats WAR!!!
Mom: Yes.
Me: [in my head] What part of "My brother works for the Department of Defense" don't you understand?
G.A.B.: [sputtering] Doesn't that bother him?
Mom: He's been blowing things up since he was in high school; this is his dream job.
G.A.B.: Well, lets go eat.
G.U.D.: But Dan's not here yet! (My father)
G.A.B.: He will be here any minute. We'll start now while the crab is still hot. (Subtext: War is evil, change the subject NOW.)

Something interesting to observe is that while I did know that G.A.B. is very far onto the pacifist end of the spectrum, I did not know until now that she seems almost delusional about it, as if avoiding it could make it not exist. Yes war is ugly, but it is also unavoidable. There is nothing any Americans can do to prevent us from having a military, so instead of hiding from the truth, why not face it and make war safer for our soldiers? That is the job my brother does. And one other thing: wishing for my father to arrive will not make him arrive, and acting on your wishes only makes you rude when he arrives and you've already finished the first course. Luckily, in this instance, my dad pulled up right as she announced we should eat.

At the dinner table, we all got caught up on how my dad's cousins are doing, and where their children are going to college, etc. G.A.B. was explaining how her son had just completed a 10-year project at a well-known computer company.

G.A.B.: And my son said to me, "Mom, as a life-long environmentalist, I know you will appreciate this project I am working on. We spent ten years working on this and we have finally done it. We have made our computers more efficient, so that if you put in 100 giga-whatever-unit-she-used, 100 is what it takes. Nothing is lost."
Dad: So, the input of energy is the same as the output?
G.A.B.: [Chuckle] I don't know what Phillip is talking about half the time, but he really impressed me that he created such an energy-efficient computer.
G.U.D.: Babbi (his name for her), what Dan is trying to say is that it sounds like you are saying Phillip has created a perpetual motion machine.
G.A.B.: [Beaming brightly]. Yes, exactly.
G.U.D., the engineer, and Dad: [perplexed looks.]

At this point I am trying to hold back my fits of glee because 1) I have so much awesome blogging material and 2) I can't wait to tell my brother the engineer that his cousin-once-removed may have broken the laws of physics as we currently understand them.

Mom took the opportunity to jump up and start doing dishes, which was the signal for us all to begin whatever preparations needed to be done for dessert.

By the way, my G.A.B., although I view her as somewhat delusional, is a kindred spirit in the kitchen. The menu for the evening was as follows: Cocktail shrimp on a bed of lettuce and julienne peppers, baked crab stuffing on a seashell, baked sweet potato, stuffed baked zucchini, and salmon hollandaise. Follow with coffee ice cream, cookies, tea or coffee. As you may have guessed, G.A.B. did the dinner, and G.U.D. provided a manly dessert.

As I end this blog entry, I can't help but wonder who in my family gets to be Marlon Brando.

A guide to this season's calendar

These days, its hard to know what holiday traditions you should be a part of, and what you should skip. For your peace of mind this season, I've put together a guide on what to do and when.

November 28: The first Sunday of Advent. Light a purple candle on your Advent wreath, burn for the day, then extinguish it.
December 1: The first day of "commercial Advent." Open a door on your little paper advent calendar, on this day, and all the following until the 24th.
December 2: The first day of Hanukkah. Light one menorah candle each night until Dec. 9
December 5: The second Sunday of Advent. Re-light the purple candle from last week, and light another purple candle on the Advent wreath, extinguish at the end of the day.
December 6: Feast day of St. Nicholas. Today is the day everyone should await the arrival of Santa Claus, bearing gifts for children OR if you are reading this from the past, before the arrival and conquest of Catholicism, you would be awaiting the arrival of the Germanic god Odin, riding his 8-legged flying horse leading a great hunting party through the sky. It seems everyone is waiting for someone.
December 9: Reminder, it is the last night of Hanukkah.
December 12: The third Sunday of Advent. Re-light the previous candles, and light the rose colored candle, extinguish at the end of the day.
December 13: Feast Day of Saint Lucy. By the Julian calendar, this would have be the longest night of the year. If you are Scandinavian, Roman Catholic, Lutheran, Anglican, or Orthodox, you should go to church for a special service in honor of this patron saint of blind people; the service also mourns the loss of daylight. Young girls will be dressing in white with candle-lit wreathes on their heads. Note- the saint is often depicted holding a tray of her own eyeballs, but have no fear, any religious service you go to this day will not require young girls to gouge out their eyes.
December 19: The fourth Sunday of Advent. Light all the candles on the Advent wreath, burn until the end of the day.
December 21: The winter solstice- Yule. A three-night festival. Start drinking now. Drink a toast to Odin for victory and power to the king. Then drink a toast to two gods whose names you won't be able to pronounce when you're drunk, for the harvest and peace. Then drink a toast to the king. Then drink a toast to the dearly departed. This is my kind of holiday. Also, send your drunk men out into the woods with instructions to find the biggest honkin' log they can find, bring it back, and burn it. For the heck of it. We'll drink a toast to the log too.
December 24: Christmas Eve. Tonight, you lie to your kids about a fictional, overly commercialized character who is loosely based on the characters from December 6, in order to get them to go to bed early because they've probably been on a sugar high since Thanksgiving and you are sick of the little brats. If you are German, your kids will be awaiting the arrival of Kris Kringle (who is NOT Santa Claus or Saint Nicholas), or Christkindl (Christ child). Traditionally, today is the day to decorate a Christmas tree, which dates back to when St. Boniface cut down the tree of Thor to prove the helplessness of Norse gods, and a spruce tree grew in its place.
December 25: Christmas Day. Commercially, all the junk bought on Black Friday will be given today. In some cultures, it was given last night. From a religious perspective, we commemorate the day God gave the ultimate gift to mankind by miraculously coming to earth in human form.
December 26: Kwanzaa begins. This is a holiday which was invented in 1966. It combines the lighting of colored candles (Advent) on something that suspiciously resembles a menorah with the giving of gifts and a week-long celebration. It ends January 1.
December 31: Another reason to party. Its the last chance to make mistakes in 2010, so get drunk and make them before midnight because after midnight it will be a new year and you don't want to get off on the wrong foot.
January 6: Twelfth Night/Epiphany. This day concludes the 12 days of Christmas. Tell all the maids milking, pipers piping, lords leaping and drummers drumming to go home because your true love is tired of the gifts. Today also concludes the "winter festival" that begins on All Hallows Eve (Halloween). Additionally, it is the day Christ was supposedly revealed as the Christ by the "wise men from the east." Because, the angels and the shepherds weren't revealing enough. You may now remove your Christmas tree on any date after this one.
February 2: Candlemas. This feast day represents the day Jesus was presented at the temple in Jerusalem. If your Christmas tree is still up, it is a bad sign. Because in addition to all the religions represented here, we have to get non-theistic superstition somewhere in here as well, so here you go.

Please note, I have attempted to list the holidays you are most likely to encounter while going about your daily activities. I have deliberately left out Festivus (December 23), National Regifting Day (the Thursday before Christmas, also December 23), Boxing Day (December 26), Handsel Monday (the first Monday of the year, January 3), and Distaff Day (January 7) because honestly, you are not likely to encounter many people observing them.

Tree Lighting

Every year, Santa comes to my town in a firetruck and lights the large evergreen in front of town hall. I have never witnessed this phenomenon, but I have, on multiple occasions, witnessed the Santa-mannequin-in-the-rocking-chair-in-the-rowboat parade of fire department vehicles from yesterday's blog post.

So I was curious to see what the fuss is all about. I got there, and the mayor was complaining that the planning committee did everything she asked except make the weather warmer. Apparently, on December 6th, 2001, the temperature was 71. Tonight, it is 28.

So, after the Pledge of Allegiance, led by the boy scouts and the high school color guard, and then the national anthem sung by the high school choir, and Christmas carols led by the choir, and the high school band, we finally generated enough holiday cheer to beckon Santa from the firehouse down the road- I mean, all the way from the North Pole. When the engine pulled up (poor reindeer got outsourced for a cooler, flashier mode of transportation), Santa hopped off and took a microphone. Mayor Bieri asked him about the weather up at the North Pole and here's what he said:

"Oh, I gotta tell you, the Nowth Pole is so cold, this weatha down heah isn't cowld at awl. Its wawm!" Apparently, the North Pole is inhabited by settlers from Brooklyn. "Well, I heah I've got an impowrtant job to do, so, lets get awn wid it." Then we had a countdown, just to get people involved and the halogen lights dimmed, the tree lit up, and that was that. Thank goodness, now I can get out of the cold.

Santa Claus is coming...

In the stories, Santa comes to town on a flying sleigh pulled by magic reindeer. In the neighboring town of Bloomingdale, Santa comes to town by helicopter. In the good ol' hick town known affectionately as Milly, today is the day you do not want to have a fire, because the firemen are getting drunk today and pulling a Santa mannequin around town in a red rowboat towed by a red pickup truck and preceded by the Fire Chief's truck and a fire engine with sirens blazing.

No pictures, unfortunately. Although it happens every year, it slipped my mind and I was not prepared for the occasion.

Nothing

I keep opening my blogger account with the intention to blog something but when I do I find I have nothing to say. The feeling is there, that urge to express myself, but the words are not. I've got nothing.

Christmas Grammar Lesson

So, the song is sung at a fairly high tempo with enough speed that there really isn't much room for punctuation: Godrestyoumerrygentlemenletnothingyoudismay *breath* rememberChristyourSay-ayv-viorwasbornonChristmasday *breath.*

But what does it mean? I have seen three interpretations based on the location of a little tiny comma.

1) God rest you, merry gentlemen
2) God rest, you merry gentlemen
3) God rest you merry, gentlemen

It is amazing how much a sentence can change with the location of that tiny punctuation mark. What are these meanings?

1) May God give rest to you and by you I mean the merry gentlemen in my presence. The phrase "God rest you" sort of has a "rest in peace" feel to it.
2) May the creator rest as he did on the 7th day. Yes, I'm talking to you, the merry gentlemen in front of me. Give him a break!
3) May God make your lives merry. I'm talking to you, the gentlemen.

So, what do you think is the intended meaning of the song? Isn't the comma an amazing little thing?

A Thanksgiving Scrooge

Its been suggested to me that perhaps something traumatic happened to me on Thanksgiving which I have repressed. It would explain my aversion to the day.

I do remember, upon learning that my chicken pox would prevent me from attending the family's Thanksgiving gathering, a feeling of extreme satisfaction that I would have a legitimate and acceptable excuse. And that was in 4th grade. Anything traumatic in my buried memories must have occurred before that.

The reason for this post is that my parents packed up some Thanksgiving leftovers to take with them on their weekend trip to Cape Cod. Then, they never ate the leftovers, and brought them back. Mom opened them up for dinner tonight, and for some reason, I was awash with anger nearly instantly. Not at her, but at the food. I was angry at food! As if it has somehow wronged me? There's something wrong with me.

I've skipped Thanksgiving

I have officially started the Christmas season. And, to be precise, my Christmas shopping was completed primarily in August, with the last gift being purchased in October. The Christmas cds are going out to my car tomorrow morning.

What has triggered this? It had something to do with the last blog I posted, the theme of which I blog about every year- that I dislike Thanksgiving food, and most of the experiences related to Thanksgiving. It also had something to do with this:



I wish I could have been there for this. Of all the public stunts you hear about- spontaneous pillow fights, freeze frame for five minutes in Grand Central Station, or people walking down the street dressed as zombies- this one is the most exciting.

I love the tradition that states that when King George II heard this, he was moved to stand to his feet, and thus the performers, orchestra and audience also had to stand. It in some ways gives validation to the chills I feel when I listen to this music. I would love to have been in that food court, and even if I were not originally a part of the planned event, I would have stood and joined the singing. Because who doesn't love a Broadway musical moment where the simplest act causes everyone around you to break out into song and dance?

Thanksgiving to do list

~ Stuff yourself with food that doesn't really taste good but which you eat anyway out of force of habit and caving to social expectations.
~ Enjoy the cranberries, they are the only food item that tastes good; if necessary, you can enjoy the cranberries even more if you make cranberry sangria.
~ Surround yourself with people who love you enough to try to run your life for you, yet who will also forget what you said about how you're doing 30 seconds after the conversation ends (gives you something to talk about at the next holiday).
~ Enjoy the select few who take a genuine interest in your life on days that are not holidays.
~ Watch a game involving men who are too sissy to play a game without substantial protective gear beyond shinguards.
~ Enjoy the humor of watching people make fools of themselves by yelling at players who have no physically possible way of hearing them.
~ Take comfort in Tequila.
~ Enjoy the looks on your blog readers' faces as they realize Tequila is the cat.

Kids...

I went to my volunteer job at the farm today, where my first session was helping Meredith, the speech pathologist. It was raining, and Meredith needed to bring a teaching tool into the barn from where it was sitting outside. The child we were working with was a stable, sturdy kid whom she felt she could trust to sit safely on the horse with only one side walker, so she walked away to go get the items she needed.

In the interim, the child was instructed to walk his horse around the arena and make the horse go in circles around the barrels- first one direction, then the other. To keep him attentive, I asked him questions about the task he needed to do.

"Do you remember how to make Dude go around the barrels?"
"Yes, like this." He began moving the reins lightly in either direction. "This is left, and this is right."
"Actually, its the other way around. That hand is left, and this hand is right."
"Well, my mommy says..." Stops to think. "My mommy says that THIS is left."

How can you tell a 5-year-old his mommy is wrong?

Common "Husband" Checklist

There's this stereotype going around. A good Christian woman should look for a husband with xyz qualities. Those qualities are usually backed up by obscure or not-so-obscure Bible verses.

(The following qualities have been gleaned from Bible verses found on a website listing wedding scripture readings, as well as observations of real people, and things I picked up here and there from some sermons on the topic.)

~ a man she feels made for. God created Eve because the right partner for man could not be found anywhere in the Garden of Eden. It was like God's creation was incomplete until she arrived on the scene.
~ a man she can stand next to. Despite being created as man's helper, she came from Adam's side. Not his foot or his back end. This is where I think each person being the other's biggest fan comes in. If one is the head and the other the foot, they cannot equally cheer each other on.
~ a man cut from the same cloth. Genesis says "Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." Perhaps this is why women are always looking for a guy who likes all the same things she likes.
~ a man with a plan. Men are born to lead. Not just lead women, but to rule the earth and to lead each other. Solomon wooed his girl by knowing exactly where he wanted to take her on a date and exactly what he wanted to do. She could take comfort in knowing that he was not just going to wing it and risk a flop of a date. He cares enough about her to put some time and effort into it.
~ a man who loves her and demonstrates in their relationship an image of God's relationship with all humans. For some reason, metaphor is big in the Bible, including using relationships as metaphors and teaching tools. On the flip side, this is her excuse to ask him to love her regardless of her flaws, and to die for her, not necessarily in a literal sense, but a sacrifice just the same. This gives her a ton of power and has great potential to distort the perfect image of the original part of the metaphor- God's relationship with all humans.
~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Probably the most misrepresented verses in the Bible. Read the beginning and ending sentences of this paragraph. It is not about romantic love. But, women seem to look for men with all those qualities. To be honest, those are just qualities that make you not a jerk. If your guy lacks these qualities, he's a jerk.
~ a man who guides her spiritually and leads her in prayers and teaches a teen men's Bible study.
~ a man who pursues her. Jacob worked for Rachel's father and endured trickery from his future father-in-law for 14 years in order to finally get the girl he wanted. Hosea led Gomer to the desert and pursued her heart despite her unfaithfulness, as a way to live out yet another metaphor for God. Solomon clearly spent countless hours planning dates and writing poetry to capture her heart.
~ a beloved-lover relationship. You can be married to anyone. A relationship is special when you can say you are married to your beloved.
~ sparks that fly even after 50 years of marriage. That urge to "look nice" for your spouse even though they have seen you fart and burp and puke and all sorts of gross things in all the time you've been together.

I will come out and say it. Just because you can back it up with a verse in the Bible doesn't mean it is a quality you should look for in a husband. It could mean you are misinterpreting the Bible. Just because many churches say to look for a certain quality, doesn't mean you should take their advice. BUT, that doesn't mean that I believe all of the above qualities are crap either. Some are really good things to look for.

But with all the things Christians are supposed to be, combined with all the things Christian men are supposed to be, combined with all the things Christian husbands are supposed to be, isn't it somewhat naive to think that anyone could find a guy who matches all of those things?

I'm not sure the "ideal" husband is out there by everyone else's standards. And my standards? I haven't figured out what I'm looking for. Just a lot of qualities that are, "Oh yes, that sounds nice" as if I'm adding an optional adventure excursion onto the cost of my vacation package.

To be honest, I don't feel driven to figure out what I'm looking for. But I don't like floundering either.

Spam Poetry #3

During the temple of gold. Show his mother and justice yet this. When things from whom were forced them. Though we shall be thought. Especially those in words of everything that

Then the assembly of syracuse. Besides this matter of glory. Rather than the most sacred things Hannibal to take care and third time. Pericles himself down their own security that. While they marched out among these matters. Said in like the river side. Others think fit for either the philosopher.


In case you didn't know, I get a lot of junk mail. I generally browse the titles to see if there is anything from a friend that went into the wrong email box. I open the most recent junk email just to remind myself that I've checked everything up to that point. So when I open the emails, there is usually something like this: "Click here to enlarge your..." or "I made $400 in one hour from my home! Click now!" followed by a large space and a paragraph like those above. It reminds me of poetry, poorly written in another language and translated with an online translator. But I like to think its actually a secret spy message related to government security. How brilliant to hide the code in a place you KNOW nobody ever looks.

Each time I make a spam poetry post, I think, ok don't bore your 2 (count'em, two!) readers to death with these posts. But then I get another one in the junk box, and it just intrigues me... for no apparent reason. Kinda like when you're flipping through the channels and you stop on the Weather Channel. I once watched TWC for hours on end. I don't know why, it just happened to be a channel that needed watching on that particular day.

Anyway, here's a desperate plea for interaction: Feel free to leave me a comment with YOUR version of spam poetry! Seasoned poets can welcome the challenge of dropping their poetry IQ levels, while people who have no practice in poetry can feel comfortable that nothing they've written is as poorly written as what lands in my junk mailbox!

Post #1000

Yes, this is my 1000th post. I can hardly believe that 6 years (almost exactly) have gone by since I started writing this thing. In honor of my blog, and in light of my family's recent loss of its patriarch (my grandfather), I have decided to compile a list of one thousand things that make it good to be alive (a.k.a. "reasons to be happy").

I have also decided that no one wants to read a list one thousand items long, so I have shortened it to 100. But each item on the list will be ten times better than it would have been if I hadn't shortened the list, and so you will still get the full effect of one thousand things. How does that work out for you?

1. The calm before a storm.
2. The undersides of leaves.
3. Spots of fog on a hillside.
4. Low hanging clouds.
5. The first 400 leaves that fall in Autumn.
6. Hummingbirds.
7. Wind chimes.
8. Lanterns.
9. The Silver Maple.
10. A barefoot horse on pavement.
11. A good sailing wind.
12. Stacked firewood.
13. Spring peepers on a foggy night.
14. Tire swings.
15. Laughing at dinner.
16. The smells of breakfast.
17. Hush puppies in a frying pan.
18. Powdered donuts.
19. A ripe peach that leaves juice somewhere on you other than your mouth.
20. Watermelon, for the same reason.
21. Pine trees in the house.
22. Floors made of salvaged wood.
23. Accomplishment.
24. Colorful socks.
25. Men's hats.
26. Brotherhood.
27. Night-time photographs.
28. Sunrise on New Year's Day.
29. Salt-water wind.
30. Olive groves.
31. A field of working bees.
32. The sound of a snowfall.
33. Rahsaan S. Fenn's status updates. (Inspirational guy. Friend him on Facebook.)
34. Seeing firsthand the bond of a family.
35. When cats do yoga.
36. Physically intense exercise.
37. Sea shanties.
38. Knowing if you died today, you'd leave behind a legacy.
39. Soup in the fall.
40. Cooking with friends.
41. Warmth in the winter.
42. Balancing.
43. Campfires.
44. Making memories.
45. Touring old buildings.
46. Touring rebuilt buildings.
47. Challenging expectations.
48. Meg's Tandoori Harvest Sandwich.
49. Creativity.
50. Cooperation.
51. Crisp air.
52. Spring cleaning when it is not spring.
53. A pie fresh from the oven.
54. Heritage.
55. Discovery.
56. Finding a robin's eggs.
57. The white tail of a running deer.
58. Black walnuts (but beware of stained hands!).
59. Solving a mystery.
60. Saying "I love you."
61. Sprinting.
62. Pigeons and salamanders.
63. Dreaming.
64. Cats on hay bales.
65. Days gone by.
66. Sketch books.
67. Many names for the same thing.
68. Children discovering something.
69. Old books.
70. Peaceful breathing.
71. Black and white photographs.
72. Greenhouses.
73. Running water.
74. Thunder.
75. A signature drink, so your waitress will remember you.
76. Regrets that no longer matter.
77. Forgiveness.
78. Campfire smoke.
79. Beach honeysuckle in bloom.
80. Flocks of crows in flight.
81. Getting lost on purpose.
82. Old coins.
83. Supportive friends.
84. Inventing something.
85. A blue sky.
86. Blooming after a rain.
87. Dates.
88. Scripture.
89. Rhythmic anything.
90. Organization.
91. Marveling at progress.
92. Birth.
93. The coconut palm.
94. Voicemail.
95. History.
96. Someone to love.
97. Pomegranates, mangoes, passionfruit.
98. Guacamole.
99. Long-lost friends.
100. Friends you've never lost.

Which one is your favorite?