How to sing country

Back in November, I posted an article I had found titled "How to Sing the Blues" and lamented the fact that there wasn't one for singing country.

So, in case any of you wanted to try to sing country, I've decided to give you a few guidelines.

1. Locations. Country songs take place in the country. The only reason to mention a city is a Hobby or a Woman (see #2 and #3).
1a. Reno, Dallas, Houston, Tallahassee, and Nashville are acceptable cities.
1b. Las Vegas is not acceptable unless you're going there with a woman (see #3.)
1c. Its better to mention a state than a town no one has heard of.
~Tennessee, Oklahoma, Alabama, Texas, Carolina, and Mississippi are acceptable.
~Maine, Vermont and New Hampshire, no.
~By no means should you mention New York or New Jersey, unless your woman left you and moved there.
~Florida is ok if it rhymes with something
~Don't use North and South designations (Carolina and Dakota), but you are allowed to say West Virginia.
1d. If a town name is unavoidable, it should contain a reference to the land (Smokey Hollow), to nature (Lonesome Dove), or end in -ham (Birmingham). Spanish names are ok, if they are in Arizona, New Mexico, or Texas.
1e. Place-preposition pairings such as in the woods, out in the back pasture, on a lonely highway, down by the creek, and in an empty diner, are all useful as well. If you must name a river, you can only use the Mississippi or the Rio Grande. Work your story around to make it make sense. If this is impossible, you should GRUDGINGLY call it Snake River or Green River.
1f. Dixie is a magical place name. No one knows exactly where this place is, but when you're there, you know it.

2. Hobbies. Its good to have something to do while you are waiting for the crops to grow, or for the cows to come home.
2a. Musical instruments are good, if they are string or percussion. Fiddles and banjos are excellent, by no means should you ever mention a saxophone. A jaw harp or harmonica will help you achieve a lonesome feel, but those don't rhyme well.
2b. Playing cards are good, especially poker. References are better ("don't mess with the king's queen") and references to cheating at the game are excellent. ("aces up his sleeves")
2c. Fishing is good, boating is ok.
2d. Falling in love is a supreme pastime (see #3).
2f. Hunting is only ok if you mention your dog, and he should be named for a color.
2g. If you are not a hunter, your horse is your best friend, but he never gets a name. He is always a "he" unless your mare is the only woman in your life.
2h. Rodeo. This is the best way to have fun practicing all the things you need to know to run a farm anyway. Be careful with this one. It can take you away from home and ruin your life.
2i. Go to church. When you have a lot of time on your hands and you don't want to do other hobbies, its better to go to church than to be idle (= the devil's workshop). You can do other things too, but never mention that you do them on a Sunday. Do them another day, even if you are out late Saturday night.
2j. Made up games (kneeboarding in the mud behind your boyfriend's tractor trailer) are always acceptable, but usually do not appear in the lyrics, they show up in the music video, which is disappointing, but an unavoidable fact of country music.

3. Women. Women are essential to the country way of life. They can cook, clean, raise kids, hunt, fish, give you good lovin,' down as many shots of whiskey as you can, help you with the crop or the cows, and can fight along with the rest of the men. They can do everything. They are goddesses, but only occasionally do they look like goddesses. They also have a knack for getting tired of your hobbies and leaving you. A good country song would be a love song to her, praising her inward beauty and, if she's got it, her outward beauty. She doesn't even have to leave you in the song, just tell her how much you love her. You could also sing about how you met, what you thought when you first saw her, and what you did together when you were seventeen. Usually, the girl you grow up with is the one you marry (probably because you don't meet any new people unless you leave your town).

4. Men. For the women who want to sing country, a note about your relationship with the men. Quite often, they never went to college, but you did if you didn't run away at 17. They are good men, treat you well, and run the farm well. Truckers can sing country but trucker's wives can't, so your man runs a farm. You are madly in love with him, but you are still practical and won't admit it too openly, which he doesn't mind because he's madly in love with you and is ok singing about it. If he cheats on you, its not his fault, its the tramp's fault, which is why its so hard for you to move on when you leave him. So you sing about your man even though you don't want to see him again.

5. Names.
5a. Women always get good names. Often, its acceptable just to use feminine pronouns, but sometimes you need good, solid, down to earth names. Norma, Sue, Betty, Jean and Caroline are good. If you are reminiscing about a very pretty girl, any name that sounds Native American would be a good choice.
5b. Men don't get named as much. Best friends or heroes get solid names like Bob, Bill, Willy, Tom, Hank, or Johnny. Bad guys get adjectives in front of their names: Bad Bill, Wild Bill, Shady Hank.
5c. Your parents are "my old man," if you don't like him much, or "papa" and "mama."

6. Conflict. Country music is a story, stories have conflict. Your father beat you, your mother left or sent you away. The crops all died, or else the cows did. No one ever gets murdered unless they are cheating on a lover. The state took your land, you miss your wife because you are a trucker, or she misses you because you follow a rodeo circuit. You can't support your kids. You fondly remember when times were good and they aren't now. Or you somehow wound up in jail. Despite all this, you never turn to drugs, and you are never ever EVER suicidal. You are ok with crying about it. When things get very bad, you find a buddy at a bar. Your bar will ALWAYS have either a pool table or a jukebox.

7. Alcohol. You can sing about what happens when you drink it, you can sing about what causes you to drink it (usually seeing her with him), you can sing about it ruining your life or you can sing about it helping you forget her, or make new friends. Whiskey, Beer, and Tequila are good drinks for you. So are Jack Daniels, Jim Bean, and Captain Morgan (just don't mention "rum"). Champagne only if you are being ironic. Don't drink wine unless you are drinking and in love, and avoid martinis and anything "on the rocks." Leave tonic and gin to Billy Joel. Mixed drinks, absolutely not.

8. To keep your audience interested, try puns or a turn of phrase. Famous examples are: "He had an angel's heart and the devil's hand." "We're two of a kind, working on a full house." "Don't make me come over there... and love you." "Why should we both fall apart, lets fall to pieces together." "I can saddle up fast, get you there first class long before the dawn, you know your male's gonna get to you, come snow, rain, sleet, or hail..." "he's an angel with no halo, and one wing in the fire."

9. When you have sung enough country music to be famous, you can branch out a little. Sing about something unusual like Mexico, or something abstract like a great realization you have come upon about life. In this stage, its okay to break the rules a little, like singing about a pina colada, or a woman named Lillian.

10. If your career is not picking up, try singing about a soldier in a war somewhere. Women singing country should sing about the soldier's wife. Its been done over and over, but for some reason, America still loves it.

Lastly, its not a rule but an observation. Despite your woman leaving you, the cows dying, and the state taking over the farm, your songs have an upbeat rhythm, and cheerful notes. Even if nothing positive comes out of your mouth, your song still has hope hidden somewhere inside of it. The only thing left is for the audience to look for and find that hope.

And I guess that kind of explains why I like country music despite (as Anissa always points out) the continual use of the one, three, and five chords.