Death

So... I hope this isn’t too depressing. I went to a funeral today. Yesterday, rather, because its now 3:30 am and I’m far enough into Wednesday that today has become tomorrow. Or something like that. Anyway, the funeral was very nice. That sounds like an oxymoron, but it seemed to be just the way the woman would have wanted for her funeral. As with all the funerals I’ve been to, I always end up thinking about death (is that so surprising?) Today I wondered if God lets us watch our funerals before we reach that final, no-turning-back point (assuming there IS a no-turning-back point*). Because I think that as amazing as heaven must be, and as much as I long to be in God’s presence, I’d still be pretty curious to see how well my friends and family really know me. Do they know what kind of music I’d like played? What my favorite flowers are? Even, what kind and stain of wood I like? I wondered who would come, what they’d say, and why its tradition at funerals to get together and eat afterwards. Thankfully, the funerals I’ve been to have not been for people I’m extremely close with, otherwise, I’d have trouble eating afterwards. Extreme greif tends to make food taste like wax, so I don’t know where that tradition came from.

*footnote for "no-turning-back point": I’ve heard stories of people who were medically dead, went to heaven, and were told they were only allowed to walk so far in before they had to return so that medics could revive them. But I’m not an expert on this at all. I just like to use my imagination.

Anyway, of all the hymns and other songs that I could get stuck in my head, I ended up singing (all day) a song by Sara Groves, one I didn’t even hear today:
I’ve been feeling kind of restless/ I’ve been feeling out of place/ I can hear a distant singing/ A song that I can’t write/ And it echoes of what I’m always trying to say// There’s a feeling I can’t capture/ It’s always just a prayer away/ I want to know the ending/ Things hoped for but not seen/ But I guess that’s the point of hoping anyway// Chorus: Of going home, I’ll meet you at the table/ Going home, I’ll meet you in the air/ And you are never too young to think about it/ Oh, I cannot wait to be home// I’m confined by my senses/ To really know what you are like/ You are more than I can fathom/ And more than I can guess/ And more than I can see with you in sight// But I have felt you with my spirit/ I have felt you fill this room/ And this is just an invitation/ Just a sample of the whole/ And I cannot wait to be going home// Chorus// Face to face, how can it be/ Face to face, how can it be/ Face to face, how can it be// Cuz this is just an invitation/ Just a sample of the whole/ And I cannot wait to be going home

Completely and honestly, I’ve had times when I’ve gotten so utterly tired of life on earth. Sometimes its just things I do, other times its that people here can be so stupid and senseless. Heaven must be so incredible. No stupid people that crowd the sidewalks and don’t actually walk because they are on their phones and can’t concentrate on two things at once. Granted, I can’t do two things at once either. But at least I realize it and don’t crowd the sidewalk talking on a cell phone while other people actually want to get to class on time. Ok that was a little bit of a tangent. Cell phone users don’t make me feel like I want to die. They just make me think heaven is going to be really nice. If nothing else, there will be bigger sidewalks. Ok now I’m getting a little bit irreverent. Perhaps its my way of avoiding the fact that yes, I have longed for death. Not in a suicidal way, but in a way that says, God, its crazy here on earth. Can you speed up time a little? This life is wearing me thin, and I want to go home.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. There’s more to that, but I think I’ll save it for some other time. I should have gone to bed hours ago, but I was turning something around in my mind (something else besides the funeral topic). Something that can also wait for some other time.