general update...

So, the general consensus from the two people who responded to my last entry (yes generalizations can be gathered from two people) is that I was too hard on myself about the jujitsu stuff. And umm... I guess so. It didn't feel too hard, because I've been harder on myself before.

Anyway, I'm home today. I'm glad to be home. I'm glad to be with the people I love. But... I feel different now. I love coming home so I can talk to my brother. I love coming home so my family can joke around together. But... I've said this before. I may be or have already outgrown my friends here. Not that I don't love them, or that I don't like seeing them again. But I went to hang out with some of them today... and I felt like... I don't feel that sense of belonging. I've changed, and when I'm with them, I go back to being the old me. Does it make sense to say that I don't like who I am when I'm with them, and still say it without saying anything bad about them?

I might feel differently later on. But, I'm kind of in a strange mood tonight. There was a string of stuff that happened that brought back old memories. I don't know if that's good or bad. The memories here, from tonight especially, are different from my memories of New Brunswick. In NB, there are memories I have that I treasure, and wish I could experience all over again, just for the sake of the experience (even the bad ones, I'd do it all over again). The memories I had tonight left me feeling like I've made a huge mistake in my life. Maybe the difference is that my memories of NB are still capable of happening again, while the things I thought about tonight are over with a finality that can't be undone. Honestly though... I like the person RU and NB have shaped me into. I feel so much more comfortable just being myself. When I'm here, I have to be who I used to be. Which makes me feel uncomfortable. Its also annoying not being able to express my true feelings about my memories 'cause of the people that read this.

Couple that with Jujitsu on Thursday... and explore the muscle knots in my body. I decided I should have asked for a massage for Christmas. Back, neck, lower back, hands, feet... that would be heavenly.

Anyway... I'm tired. I think I'm gonna go post a private xanga entry so I can vent without making people annoyed at me. Gnight