Yet another entry...

ahhh...

I've had a long day. Ackkkk.... I'm such a good actress... But I can't hide it from Molly. And she can't help me cause she isn't big enough. She can only sit in my lap.

I did something stupid today. I allowed myself to think while I was baking cookies for two hours. Two whole hours by myself to think. That's... more than I've had at once all semester. And I reacted to it. My spirit went haywire. So when I got to jujitsu, which we were doing in a large room, my spirit scattered to all the corners of the room and left me with no center. I was not balanced, not able to keep myself from hurting myself (not just physically), and unable to gather it all back in. I think... possibly, it wouldn't have been so bad if we had done jujitsu in the smaller rooms in the basement. The walls are farther in, there's less distance to travel, and easier for me to pull myself together. But we were in the big room. I couldn't pull myself together. I wasted Andrew's time teaching me and Jess's time working with me.

Last week, several people asked me when I was going to test for gokyu (the next rank). I jokingly said, when my body stops falling apart. But now I think I know the reason why I'm not ready to test yet. I haven't learned how to keep my emotions from affecting my technique. There's a certain way to do each technique, and I can't seem to get my body to do it the same way each time. I have to be in a certain emotional groove in order for my body memory to kick in. Yes, I know each technique. Yes, I have done each technique at one time or another that would probably be passable in a test. But to do it reliably, and to do it reliably no matter what state of mind I'm in, I can't do that. And even if people think I'm ready to test, I'm not sure I want to move on to more complicated moves if I can't reach with my spirit to the corners of a room and gather myself back into my center. And in a sense, that makes my original statement true. The reason my body keeps "falling apart" as I put it, is because I either can't or haven't been holding onto all of me at once. Because of this, I get death by a thousand bee stings when I go to jujitsu. No guillotine injuries except for that one in May, but a hundred little things happening at once, which is why I sometimes feel like I'm falling apart.

This whole thing about my spirit seems a little weird, and I don't know how to describe it other than the way that I have. But... does anyone else ever feel like that? Does anyone besides me know what I'm talking about?

Oh... yeah... about that part in the beginning. Well... I'm a little better now. Emma's got someone to cuddle with tonight, and Mel has someone to cuddle with tonight. Sarah's not here, and I have Molly. And she's small, yes. But she has a big heart. And it will have to suffice. My other option is Micheal, my blind teddy bear. But he can't see my face, and Molly can. She understands it.

Goodnight.