what christians do to amuse themselves

I hung out with some old and dear friends from home tonight. It was a good time, despite feeling like we've changed and/or grown apart a bit. I had to share this little clip of what happened:

Guy on a Christian TV station: And if you just call the number on your screen, you can sow a financial seed in preparation for the blessings God has in store for you. We have a testimony of a man who chose to sow a $58 seed for each member of his family, for 12 months, believing that God has great blessings in store for each of them. So we encourage you to just call up the number on your screen.

So, my friend decided to call up the number just for kicks. I didn't hear the first part of the convo but then he put it on speakerphone.

Girl: So, we greatly encourage what you are about to do because God has promised to richly bless you.
Adam: Well umm how does this work, how do I give to God?
Girl: Well, we take checks over the phone or credit card-
Adam: But umm what do I do if like, I can't pay my rent, will I still have to pay the $58?
Girl: No, you would then call customer service and have them cancel it for the months that you can't afford to sow the financial seed. Would you like to give to God tonight?
Adam: I would love to give to God, I want to be blessed.
Girl: Well we want you to be blessed too. Can I have a zip code please?
Adam: Well, isn't there a book involved?
Girl: Yes, when you sow a financial seed, there is a book included as a way of showing our appreciation and asking God to bless you.
Adam: Well, good, I'd like God to bless me, I just don't know, 'cause of, you know, the rent, I don't know if I can do it every month.
Girl: Well if you would like, I can give you the mailing address here and you can sow your gift whenever you have the money. Would you like to do that?
Adam: Well, I don't know, I mean, is that easier?
Girl: Sometimes its better for people who are concerned about sowing that regular financial seed of $58 a month.
Adam: But I mean, if I can't pay then how do I cancel it if its in cash like that? I don't know. I don't know if I can pay the rent.
Girl: Well, sir I don't think I can make your decisions for you, but we certainly don't want to ask you to risk your house. You do what you feel God telling you to do.
Adam: Yeah, but I really want to sow my seed. This was a hang-out time for college age kids, and we all made eye contact at this. I will leave you to your own imagination about how capable we were of stifling any reaction from this comment so she wouldn't know she was on speakerphone.
Girl: We would love for you to sow your seed too, because this isn't about us, its about you reaping the blessing from God after feeling release and sowing your seed.
Adam: Can I talk to him on TV?
Girl: Well, I can't promise anything, but I can give you the number to call, and you can talk to him or someone in his office. I'm sure they can also help you in your decision. But tonight (here, she had obviously decided he was too concerned about money and that she wasn't getting any, so she decided to wind up the convo.) why don't you just pray about it and make a decision later when you feel ready?
Adam: Ok, thank you so much.
Girl: Goodnight

When he hung up, he told us about how on another of the Christian channels he (the pastor's son) and two friends (youth counsellors in the church) decided to call one day and "get saved." *sigh* In that sense they haven't changed. I miss them and wish I could hang out with them more. But... there are subtle differences. What's that saying about new friends and old... one is silver, the other gold. Something like that, I don't really remember. I guess what I'm trying to say is. I like silver better but I'm allergic to it, and gold is more valuable. Wait. That's not what I was trying to say. I don't know who's silver and who's gold. But either way, its not the same silver and gold that it was a year or two ago. I think I interact differently with people now. Well anyway. I'm tired and not making much sense, so I'm gonna save the speculation for another day. Night.

Extra Extra!

I found this in the Home News Tribune.

"This Thursday morning, around 10 am according to the police report, a group of 4 psychological terrorists entered the mental ward of St. Peter's University Hospital. Together, they conducted experiments on the patients, during which they showed the patients images of several Rutgers College students. The patients became so overcome with the beauty of one of the photos in particular. This girl will only be called Meghan, to protect her safety. Upon seeing the picture, the patients attacked and killed the terrorists, who were intending to use the mental patients to take over the rest of the hospital. They then attacked the nurses and doctors, and forced their way out of the building with one thing on their mind: to situate themselves in such a way that their pathway would cross with Meghan's. Police have attempted to contain the situation, but three subjects are still at large."

So yeah. I came across those three today while walking to jujitsu. I will use my theater degree to write a short script of the incidents. Unspoken lines will be in parentheses.

First guy: Hey babe, you got a cigarette?
Me: (Do I LOOK like a smoker?!)
Meghan keeps walking, making no eye contact or acknowledgement of having heard.
Guy: Ok then. Guess not.

Next scene, literally 5 minutes later.

Second Guy: Hey baby do you have two dollars?
Me: (I'm so not in the mood to be hit on right now) No, and I'm late; I have to go.
SG: Awww, one dollar?
Me: I'm a college student, you expect me to have money? (As if I would carry it around in Downtown New Brunswick anyway.)
SG: How 'bout a kiss?
Me: (eww.) (If he tries anything, like that guy did with Anissa... I'm not in the mood to settle for just a sternum rub.) No.
Meghan looks impatiently for the walk signal to change.
SG: No? Come on...
No response.
SG: Aww come on, just one? No? Pause. Okaaaaayyy. Just remember baby. I'll always love you. Always.
Me: You do that. (Oh thank God! The light turned.)

Next scene, two minutes later.

Meghan is walking down the street. There is a guy carrying a bag and dressed down. Very down. Like, paint all over dirty clothes kind of down.
Third Guy, in a really good imitation of a police voice: Hey you!! Yeah. You. The guy running!
Meghan looks, there is nobody running.
Me: (What? Why do all the crazy people come out now? Why can't I just get to jujitsu?)
TG: Hey! I'm telling you to stop! I got my eye on you! Yeah, I'm talking to you!
No one is paying any attention. Meghan walks faster.

So, there you go. I hope you liked my script. I'm sorry I had to play the lead though. I would have been happier being an extra. Or perhaps a prop. No, the only prop used was that bag in the arms of the third guy. I think I'd freak out if I were in his arms. *shudders.* Its not good when jujitsuka freak out.

Long...

So... modern dance today. I'm going to write something good, because this was the first class where I truly enjoyed myself. For the other classes, I'll admit, I haven't been bored. But today it really felt like play rather than work. We were each supposed to find a partner, and my partner was Tomm, a guy I had basic acting class with at the end of sophomore year. What we were supposed to do is- one person moves into a shape. Any shape- more like a pose I guess. And then the other person moves into a complementary shape. So you could move into a mirror image of the partner, or if his hand is out you could move into an opposing image, etc. I'm not exactly sure what I liked about it, but for some reason, I did. It felt like human sculpture, I guess. Anyway, then each group of two joined another, so we had 4. It was neat to work with so many other people. And then we did this thing where you strike a pose, and only come out of it when someone else comes to join you. Then you go and find someone else to strike a pose by. That was when one of the guys likened it to speed dating, and someone said, "what if no one comes to join you?" and Paulette said, "Well, that's something we all deal with in life so we'll see how it feels." And then this girl said, "I haven't been on a date in two WHOLE weeks." And when the snickers and strange glances subsided, Paulette made us get back to work. And that was cool too because you never knew who was going to come along to be your sculpture partner.

I came back and made tuna salad. I followed Anissa's lead and got my frozen, chopped habañero peppers from the freezer and put little tiny pieces in with the other spices. Those peppers are so hot, that when I took it out of the freezer, as soon as I got a whiff of it, my eyes dried up, and my lips started to tingle. But in the tuna salad, mixed with the mayo, they aren't so bad because capsaicin is oil-soluble. But apparently it got on my hands and an hour later I rubbed my eyes and that was a mistake. My eye started to burn like crazy and I wished we were near a chem lab so I could wash it out at the eye station. Instead I went to the bathroom and soaped up my hands with hot water. My eye eventually washed itself out with tears but that was an odd experience. I'll have to be careful with the peppers in the future.

Anyway, I'm not entirely in the greatest of moods. I found out that I can't go to jujitsu on Sunday, which is depressing because I've missed a lot of classes. At the rate I'm going, I'll reach the next rank by the time I'm 30. Ok that's an exaggeration.

Also I'm cold. And cold makes me grumpy. And my knees and ankles don't like cold too much. And my stomach's been grumbling at me for the past couple days. Maybe tofu stomachs are contagious.

On the good side, I'm glad my midterm is over with the really hard class with the really bad teacher. I don't think I did too horribly. Anyway, I guess I'm done complaining. Well, no I'm not, but I'll keep the last one to myself. Thanks for listening. I had to get all that off my chest. I'm not quite as stressed now. K bye.

hehe

"Takeru Kobayashi
Sport: Competitive Eating

Career Highlights: The five-time winner of the Nathan's Famous frankfurter eating contest held each Fourth of July at Coney Island in Brooklyn, New York. In 2004, he broke a contest record, eating 59 hot dogs in 12 minutes. In 2002, he won Fox's Glutton Bowl 1, and in 2003, he just barely lost to a Kodiak bear in a hot dog eating contest on Fox's Man vs. Beast program.

So, why are his opponents scared of him? Have you seen this guy?! Only 131 pounds, Kobayashi is an eating machine. The legend of the sport (and yes, this is a sport!) uses the innovative 'Solomon Method' technique when digesting his dogs. A master of the eating style, Koboyashi breaks each hot dog in two, then stuffs both halves in his mouth at once. NFL great William 'Refrigerator' Perry tried taking a stab at Koboyashi in 2003 but failed miserably. The 1985 Super Bowl star ate four hot dogs in the competition; Kobayashi had 44 1/2."

Fascinating. I know some people like that.

forgot

I forgot to say some stuff. But first, as I type this, Molly is asleep in my lap. And her whiskers are singed. So they are curly now haha.

Ok next order of business. I'm taking a theatrical makeup class. Next week's project is "transgender." I could either paint myself to look like a man, or paint one of my guy friends to look like a woman. Any guys out there want to get in touch with their feminine sides?

Next: I'm learning who I am through OkCupid. I've been delinquent in dutifully informing you all of my scores in the past couple of weeks, so here's a little just to catch you up. In the "what punctuation mark are you" test, I am a hyphen. Quotation marks intimidate me. I am also an "eternal virgin" and, the verdict's out- I am most positively not going to die while having sex (yes, they have a test for that, in case someone was worrying their heart out over it). And in a religion test, I scored higher than 94% of other girls my age on the variable "freaknut." Makes me feel good about myself there. I'm a freaknut. My personality is closest to Michelangelo (out of the four Ninja Turtles).

Ok. Useless information. Great! Kangaroo! Goodnight.

today in meghanland

Ok so... I can't do arm circles because whatever limited stuff I did at the jujitsu seminar made me sore. And I went to dance class today. Wow. So the teacher came in and looked around to make sure the floor was clear. She said, "Oh, there's a plastic bag on the floor like someone left a baby there." I'm thinking, "Ok, the stork story, baby in a bag sort of thing, how cute." People were looking at her funny so she explained herself. "You know, like when you're in the parking lot and you go to pick up a plastic bag and find that someone abandoned a baby there." Yeah, Paulette. It happens to me all the time. Those plastic bag babies are really getting to be a nuisance. People were still looking at her funny (wouldn't you?) and so she had to clarify. "I've never found one, I was just saying... cause I've read about it. I don't know from personal experience."

Who says that? WHY on earth would that be the first thing she thinks of as being inside a plastic bag? When you see a plastic bag in a dance studio, don't you think, "Maybe someone's dance shoes are in there" or a water bottle, or a leotard or something. But a BABY?

Anyway. I think I'm gonna die now. Or rip my muscles off. Physics and anatomy aside, moving would be so much easier without them.

Oh one more thing before I go shower. I feel really bad. Mel was cooking, and Molly jumped up on the stove and burned her paw. I feel really bad for her. I've never seen a cat move faster. We pinned her down and put ice on it, but she didn't like that. Technically, you should never put ice on a burn, always cold, still water. But I think Molly would have liked the water less. Now she sits and licks her paw all the time.

Ok, now I'm going to bring some acorn squash over to Anissa's and have a feast. But first I gotta shower. Bye all!

crazy weekend

Ok so... In addition to being a Mason Gross School of the Arts theater slave this weekend by working the patchpanel and dimmer switches backstage, I also am participating when I can in the bi-annual jujitsu conference at Rutgers. So my planned schedule for Friday looked like this: 10:30 bike over to College Ave to help set up mats. 12:00 bike back to Douglass, be at class by 12:30. 2:00 leave class, bike to College Ave by 2:30 in time to see Andrew/ give well-wishes to him before his black belt exam. Do jujitsu at the conference until 5:30. Bike back to Douglass, be at the Jameson Theater by 6. Prep for the show. Show starts at 8. With clean-up, get out by 11.

That was planned. What actually happened: 10:45 call Anissa to say I might be late. get there a little after 11, help with mats. A little before 12, run to the student center to get food, leave it with Anissa, for later. Bike back to Douglass for class. Outside the Wachovia, pop a tire. Lock bike up to a signpost, go into Wachovia and deposit checks. Call a classmate to tell the teacher I'll be late. 12:55, walk into class 20 minutes late and wet from the rain. 2:00 bike over to Anissa's to get the lunch I left with her. Sit and stare in a daze, and wonder why its so cold and rainy today. Debate going to jujitsu. I miss it. But with the start I got on the day, there's no telling what kind of weird injury I'll end up with. 2:55 watch Anissa catch Steve's contagious panic over not having cups for the water buckets at jujitsu. 3:00 leave with Anissa for the nearest store. Begin praying together for Andrew's test, and other things. (I really liked that part of the day.) 3:30 drop off the cups. Answer Sensei about why I'm not staying. And why Anissa's in the car waiting for me. (yeah, Anissa and me... the delinquent jujitsuka) 3:40- 4:10 get lost in New Brunswick. We've only lived here for how long? 4:15- 5:50 debate with Cyrus (also delinquent from jujitsu because of a tofu stomach) about going to jujitsu later, and whether or not we should do something special in honor of Andrew's big day. 6:00 get to the theater to prep for the show. 8:10 the show begins. 10:02 the show ends. 8 minutes early because the actors kept skipping lines. 10:20 leave cleanup early because on weekends we don't have to put the set pieces away in the closets so essentially we were all set for the next performance. Run back to the apartment to drop stuff off. Get picked up by Anissa, go to Andrew's, go to Omega for blueberry blintzes that tasted like chicken grease. Argue about paying since he can't just let people treat him to things which I'm going to find a way to cure him of. Go back to Busch, decide by a flip of a coin to stay overnight with Cara, Andrew, James, Eugene who I just met.

That brings us to today. The planned schedule was similar but irrelevant since as I have just proven, plans were invented so circomstances can say "screw you." Since anytime after midnight is today, the coin toss was technically today too. So we went inside and I argued with Andrew about where I was going to sleep... skip a few details here cause... just cause. I acted like a skootch and I feel bad about it. Get up, run to jujitsu, take a class on games for kids, in which we roll around on balls (picture a somersault sort of roll but hugging a giant ball instead of your knees), dive onto balls, roll from standing, catching plastic footballs, etc... It was a fun way to practice the skills needed in jujitsu. After that I went downstairs for a class in Iaido, which... if you saw The Last Samurai, the scene where Tom Cruise and some Japanese guys are sparring with wooden swords (bokken/bokuto), dressed in navy blue robes. That's Iaido. Well, to be more specific:

"The art of drawing a sword out of its scabbard, as fast and clean as possible, with evident naturalness and fluidity, being the main objective to cut the enemy long before he is able to draw his own sword or use any other type of weapon. The great masters of this art have gotten to be able to draw the sword and sheathe it back again with the speed of a lightning. Iaido is a sister art to Kendo, and is recommended when having certain experience in the latter."

So Tom Cruise was probably misrepresenting Kendo, which INVOLVES some form of Iaido. 'Cause you can't very well practice Kendo while the sword is still in the sheath. But anyway, now that I've taken this class, I am better prepared should I ever have to defend myself from someone swinging a sword at me. Provided they haven't drawn yet. Or if they have, provided they only attack with a swing over their heads. And somehow, even with a smooth, well sanded wooden sword, I managed to cut my knuckles of all things. It would be about the equivalent of a basketball player saying he got a cut from his basketball. Its a smooth object with no sharp edges. How do you do that?

So, anyway, I left for the theater about 12, got in at 12:30 and the stage crew are all freaking out because someone moved all our set pieces, and had a scene set for Streetcar Named Desire, which we are not doing. We rush to put everything back, the show starts etc. Show ends, and I have to hang around for "45 minutes" to help with a photo shoot. Which ends up being an hour and fifteen. 5:15, I am just about to turn the dimmers off when a wire pulls loose from one of the pins. To which the lighting designer cursed the building and the day it was built, the wire, the patch panel, the Jameson project in general, and anything else she could think of to curse. at 7:40, the soldering iron still won't solder the wire back in place, because the solder she has is for copper wires which, you guessed it, this particular patch panel does not use copper wiring. So its raining. The show starts in 20 minutes, and the audience wants to be allowed into the theater. And we still don't have the stage lights plugged in yet because if we do, Laura will get electrocuted. Finally we plug two lights into one patch on the panel, and kept checking the warning lights to see if we're exceeding the voltage. By this time, I'm exhausted, and emotional because of 1) last night 2) conversations with God 3) lack of sleep for the past week. So for the first 3 scenes of the play, I sat alone in the dark patch room with my headset, getting all my cues, but crying to God. Something cool happened. I thought of Aslan, and the scene where he comes up, and bends his head over Shasta, licks his forehead like a big cat and says "Tell me your troubles." And it was so comforting. So, the show ended and I came home and scrubbed the kitchen floor Cinderella-style cause I just don't think swiffer's gonna do the job this week. It was disgusting. Four buckets of black water.

And then I took a shower and ate ice cream. And now I have to go to bed, because, yes. There's jujitsu in the morning, and a show in the afternoon and then more jujitsu in the evening, and Andrew leaves for England. I'm so jealous. I want to go to England. I miss it.

But in summary, the highlight of Friday was praying with Anissa for all our friends. And the highlight today was playing with swords, specifically blocking Cyrus' attack, and turning the blade inward (so if it had been real, it would have cut him), disarming him, and then having him demonstrate with his fingers what his guts would look like as they are falling out. With a big grin on his face. As if he's happy his imaginary guts are falling out.

On that note, good night, and sweet dreams.

letting the leash out a little

I normally keep my mind occupied because I know sometimes it can be dangerous letting it run loose. Tonight I'm going all over the place... though I do have a leash. Its going to be the first blog entry in a while that really goes deep inside me.

Someone suggested to me that I'm not over him yet. Which I disagree with. But she's entitled to her opinion. I just don't think that she is basing her opinion on fact, because, she doesn't have all the facts, because I have some inside me that no one knows about.

I've never known a greater pain than when we broke up. I was suddenly empty, like having my arm cut off. We'd been together so long that I couldn't remember a time when he wasn't there. But when arms are cut off, there's usually a reason, such as infection beyond repair. I know there is a reason we were together, and a reason we're not now. And the only pain I have is in my memories. There's no more pain in my heart. Only fear of more pain, which is why I'm trying to protect myself. So in that sense, no. I'm over the pain of losing him, but not the fear of losing him. Or someone like him.

I've said all that before I think, right here in my blog. And I've mentioned Momiji, the character from FruitsBasket, whose mother had her memories erased, and who said that even his bad memories were worth keeping because they influenced his life. Of all possible outcomes that I could have relating to him, the one thing I don't want is for me to waste all the knowledge I gained by dating him. And I realized that tonight. And that made me realize that right now, as is, I'm wasting some of the knowledge. And so, there are things I have to do and people I have to talk to, because not doing that is like erasing my memory of it ever happening. And I can't do that because its like the country song where the girl keeps a box of memories of all the guys she's dated not because she isn't satisfied with the current guy but because they each helped shape her into who she is today and she has to remember all the trials and triumphs and mistakes involved in getting her to where she is.

So, I'm sorry we don't talk anymore because you(1) helped me get to where I am, and we learned together and I hope you got something out of it too. And I won't try to erase your(1) memory. And, after your(2) test tomorrow, we should talk. Its nothing you(2) would consider bad. But I don't want to waste this knowledge I've been given. It elimitates the pain and joy I went through to get it, and it deprives you(2) of something special too. So... lets talk sometime. I think we'll be glad we did.

Sigh, on a new topic, when you're feeling a little down, there's nothing like a kitten to come and chew on your shirt and cheer you up.

thoughts to ponder

Have you ever wondered why animals have tails? I mean, humans don't have tails, so its not like tails are completely necessary to survival on earth. But now that my roommate has a cat, I've discovered the reason God played pin the tail on the donkey with his critters. Did you ever find yourself sitting on the windowsill watching the birds and cars pass by, wishing you could stalk them? And then suddenly, you just have this urge. "I want to stalk something. Anything. And this window on the second floor is keeping me from all those pigeons on the roof next door. Ooooh I wish I could grab one of those pigeons and gnaw on its head." But there are no pigeons you can reach. And there are no bottle caps, tin foil balls, paperclips, strings, ribbons, phone wires, curtains, hair, or feet that you can attack either. But lookie there, God gave you a tail. A built in playtoy! GREAT!

I think the reason God kept the tails off the humans is so we wouldn't chase our tails and would be forced to make our own enjoyment. So we made computers. Go figure.

plug

Ok so I have to advertise. I'm working on a show called The Shape of Things, and everyone should come see it at the Jameson theater. There is a free preview on Tuesday night at 8 pm. Shows are Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday at 8 pm, Saturday and Sunday at 2 pm. Tickets are discounted for students but I can't remember by how much. But for general admission, its no more than $10. The show is good, I liked it when I saw the runthrough, and Jameson always has some pretty good shows. But if you go, you won't see me till afterwards cause I'll be in the back dungeon electrocuting myself. Or patching electricity through to the lights. And the cool thing is I get to wear a headset. Yay! To get there, drive towards Douglass on George Street. Make a right onto Jones (by the Jameson dorms.) Find a parking spot wherever you can. The theater is in the basement of the end dorm (Jameson D) Ask me if you need more detailed directions.

quickie

Ok so i haven't really given an update on what's going on lately. Most of its been stupid stuff like okcupid. I'm the stage manager for a musical called Working, at the Livingston theater company. I've been keeping busy. And for a theater class, I have to be on the crew for a Mason Gross show. So I'm doing two shows at once and I think I'm insane. The MG show i get to have a headset and basically patch the electricity in to the lights when they need it so we don't blow a fuse. Its fun. But I sit in a little room for the whole show basically. So I have a lot of time to do homework. We had 11 hours of rehearsal today. Another 11 tomorrow. And a fire extinguisher fell on my ankle yesterday. And I bought fitted sheets at Walmart instead of flat. Silly me. Now I have to return them. And Brittany's bike, which I am borrowing, stopped holding its gears. Now when you bike, you can jump from 2nd to 5th without intending to. Andrew says its easy to fix. And that's pretty much an update on my life. You can see why I don't update very often and have to supplement it with OKStupid. Its late. Good night.

Scared

Like... halloween scared. Okcupid again... I know, I should probably get therapy for this. But I noticed that a ton of people on Okcupid were taking a test called "Are you ready for children?" I thought "Of course I'm not ready for children" and went on to another one. But it kept popping up so finally I decided to see why everyone was taking it. It asked me really important questions, like do I own a house, have a steady income, know how to change a diaper, etc. Most of which I answered in such a way that might suggest to me, I'm not ready. But, end result... "Probably Ready" I scored 65%, which in school terms isn't good, but still passes. " Wow, you could actually be pregnant. You might have some things left to learn, but I'm sure you'll do fine!" whoever made that test would make a great horror filmmaker. I'm all ready for halloween cause I've got my are you ready for children test right here in my goodybag. Whoever made that test is insane. I just had to rant. I'm gonna go now. Bye

ughh

So... I went to bed last night at 3:30. I was planning on sleeping till 11:30. A decent, 8 hours of sleep. I woke up at 1 pm and realized, not only did I set my alarm for 11:30 PM rather than am, I've also slept through half of class. I stay in bed thinking and praying about something that a friend from home emailed me last night. Then I get up and realize that the apple cider I accidentally left in the microwave last night was poured down the sink by my roommate, which is understandable because it was out all night, but also frustrating because I hate wasting food, especially apple cider which is sooo good. So I was kind of mad at myself. Then I realized I'm standing on some sort of gross mess on the kitchen floor, which reminded me that my roommates and I still don't have chore assignments, and some of our dishes have disappeared, one of which doesn't belong to me, so I have to try and figure out where it went. Then I talked to Anissa and she cheered me up a lot by sending me a song in which the singer wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and one of the bad things that happens is that they are pulled over for going 85 in as 55. So it made me realize that things for me could be worse. So I'm having a pajama day and taking okcupid tests. According to a Harvard study (why Harvard puts their tests on okcupid is beyond me) I'll be dead by October 2068, at the age of 84.3. But look on the bright side, I will have lived 7.2 years longer than my life expectancy. Its 54% probable that the cause of death will be heart attack. But, it could also be car accident (24%), loneliness (13%), drowning of the lungs (5%). Anyway... for some reason that cheered me up. And now that I've spent the whole day in pajamas, with a pretty kitten sleeping next to me, and a sandalwood candle burning, I feel a lot better.

modern dance

You: Hey, Meghan how's it going?
Me: Oh hey, yeah good to see you.
You: How've you been? How's modern dance going?
Me: Oh, its going.
You: Yeah, more seafood shapes?
Me: Well, today we didn't focus so much on the marine biology crap, but she did mention it.
You: Heehee your teacher must be so funny
Me: Yeah, she's crazy.
You: Can you describe her today in one sentence or catchphrase?
Me: Yakko Wakko and Dot on crack.
You: They aren't already on crack?
Me: Not compared to her today.

i wonder

I mailed a secret to postsecret.com because seeing other people's secrets makes me wonder if its invigorating to get the whole thing off your chest. A batch of new secrets is posted every Sunday, so now I can't wait. I wonder if mine will be there, and if so, how will I react? Will I tell anyone here? Or will I keep it quiet, knowing that now that I've sent it, I can move past it, ragardless of who knows?

sigh

I'm not feeling so great. Physically I'm mending from a cold or allergies or sinus infection or whatever it was, I'm mending from jujitsu and dance, in which I feel like my body is just going to fall apart most of the time, and I'm mending from feminine crap. You know... sorry guys who read this but this is my blog and I'm not in the mood to censor it. Being female can be such an annoyance sometimes. I did the Tour de Rutgers on Sunday with my period and cramps. It was an enjoyable bike ride, it would have been twice as good if I didn't have a constant reminder that I'm female and of child-bearing age.

But I really wanted to write about inside. I'm not feeling so great in there. My self esteem has dropped for some reason. I don't know why. I don't respect myself anymore. In group settings, I've been closing myself off. But when I'm alone, its too quiet in the room. I have to have my music on a lot, so I won't convince myself of something that isn't true just by thinking.

I've wondered if its not just me, being worn down by school. I've been taking classes since the end of January, with the exception of two weeks in May and two weeks in August. For a breif minute the other day, I wished I would develop mono, so I could take the semester off, and spend a lot of time lying in bed figuring my life out. Or maybe its figuring out why God has me here. Or getting things straight with Him.

And then for a brief moment today, I thought about all those people I learned about in General Psych, who one day, just got up and left town, moved to another place hundreds of miles away and lived for a few months under another identity. For a minute, I envied them. I wouldn't want to be gone forever though... and that's the thing about these people. They leave, but something like 98% of them come back within a year.

Don't anybody get worried. These are all passing thoughts. Its nothing I would seriously consider. Its just that sometimes... its an appealing thought.

...

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down;you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. [...] Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

~Psalms, chapter 139


Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

~1 John, chapter 3, verses 18-20


When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

~Luke, chapter 7, verses 37-38

house parable revisited

I'm not saying this is necessarily the truth. But what if the house has a built in security system, so in a sense, its not that I disable it, its that I choose not to hear the alarms. It puts a lot more responsibility on me. If robbers steal everything and burn the house, its my own darn fault. I guess it was that way to begin with, but wording it this way seems like a much stronger way of putting it. I don't know if I like that or not.

parable with a question

So... let's say that you have this house... its a fairly expensive house, perhaps a townhouse in NYC. You bought it as a fixer-upper, but now that you're done fixer-upper-ing, you are proud of how your work turned out, and know that the house has drastically gone up in value, and you have belongings that are not incredibly expensive, but still worth a bit. One day, someone offers you the chance of a lifetime to have something you've been wishing for and thinking about and dreaming about for a long time. I don't know what it is, you can come up with something, as long as your heart skips a beat when you think about it. But the catch is, you can't have this thing unless you disable the security alarm for a week. You think, "well, I've never had a break-in before." But then you think about that one night, when you fell asleep without setting the alarm and then woke up in the middle of the night hearing noises. You contemplated getting up to check the alarm but never did. No one broke in, but in the morning you thought about how maybe it was silly not to check the alarm. This is NYC after all. And it is your house, the one you put so much sweat and tears into fixing up. So, what do you do? Do you get the thing you've been longing for and risk losing your house? Or do you play it safe and keep on dreaming and longing, knowing you might not get the chance again? (I say might, because its still possible for the chance to come again, but not predictable that it will.)

thought provoking

So, I was talking to someone online, about the Dalai Lama, and how he seems to be a very holy and wise person. This phrase was used: "to really be Holy, there's something more that most people don't have... or can't attain." And I got to thinking about holiness. And what exactly is holiness, and why can't people attain it, when other people like the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa can. So, my friend Merriam W. said this:

1) exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness 2) divine 3) devoted entirely to the deity or the work of the deity 4) having a divine quality

So, based on the first two definitions, I guess holiness is unattainable, since I am neither perfect nor divine, and by the same token, the Dalai Lama isn't either, because he's still an imperfect human too. But then I started thinking, and digging deeper, and I came across this:

1 Peter, chapter 2, verses 7- 10

7 Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe, "The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone," 8 and, "A stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall." They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for. 9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

And I latched onto the part about the holy nation. Because that means that people CAN be holy. But I kept digging. And I found out how and why:

Hebrews, chapter 10, verses 5- 14

5 Therefore, when Christ came into the world, he said: "Sacrifice and offering You did not desire, but a body You prepared for me; 6 with burnt offerings and sin offerings You were not pleased. 7 Then I said, 'Here I am—it is written about me in the scroll— I have come to do Your will, O God.' " 8 First he said, "Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings You did not desire, nor were You pleased with them" (although the law required them to be made). 9 Then he said, "Here I am, I have come to do Your will." He sets aside the first to establish the second. 10 And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. 11Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. 12 But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God. 13 Since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool, 14 because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy

It was fascinating to me, because... well, I'd known it all my life, I was tested on it in grade school, I heard it so much that I sort of took it for granted. And now, when I started questioning it, I was hit in the face by its meaningful-ness. I guess you could say I've understood it all my life, but tonight, I understood it. I appreciate my religion that much more now. And that's the way a lot of my religion took root in me. I started questioning things, and no amount of explanation by anyone else could explain it. I had to figure it out for myself.

So... that's just something really cool that I stumbled across. Somehow, I feel like its buried treasure or something.