Musing about my weight problems

If you don't know, my body has a certain weight it likes to be and that is the weight I am going to stay.  When I went to college, I lost weight, followed by my body's lame equivalent of the Freshman Fifteen.  It was more like the Freshman Five and a Half for me.  I may waver slightly depending on whether I've gained food-weight from Thanksgiving, lost water-weight sweating in the summer, or spent the day puking my brains out with a flu.  But I always bounce back to my normal weight once the food is digested or I have re-hydrated.  I have been the same weight since 2002.

With two exceptions.  In the case of the simple exception, I was taking six classes and doing intense physical exercise 5 nights a week, in addition to walking to all my classes.  Also, this was before I was pretty close friends with Navin, so I was more or less a chicken-sometimes-but-no-other-meats vegetarian.  I pretty much wasted away to nothing, went to some event for my class and found myself daydreaming about steak.  I went to Wendy's that night for as much protein as I could get and managed to keep myself alive another couple of days, when classes ended at Christmas.  I came home for Christmas dinner and was back to my normal weight in no time.

The other exception is more complicated and kind of a secret I kept for a while.  Once, when I had different life goals than I do now, I wanted to lose six pounds, for no other reason than that I liked how the numbers (of my goal weight) sounded in my head.  I set my mind to it, knowing there was no medical reason I should be losing weight, but wanting a different weight none-the-less.  I managed to accomplish my goal, and when I did, a friend who hadn't seen me in a while asked me if I had been sick for very long.  Sigh.  End diet, return to normal.

In the past few weeks, I have been struggling a lot with the cold, and even struggling to keep my body temperature up while I'm indoors.  This is not due to a weight loss, but it seems that as I get older, it is becoming harder for me to cope with the cold than it used to be.  (I sound like an old geezer!)  So, in an effort to both raise my metabolism (warming me up) and add a little insulation (FAT!) I've put myself on a weight-gain, increase-your-caloric-intake diet.  I still intend to eat healthy foods (limit donuts and fried foods as usual) but eat foods that will help me gain weight.

Here's what's happened so far:  Gain two pounds, lose two pounds, gain two pounds, lose two pounds, etc.  Ideally, I will be gaining 5 pounds and losing zero.  Going off the generalized healthy-weight rule of 100 pounds for the first five feet and five pounds for every additional inch in your height, I'd still be 12.5 pounds underweight.  But I need to take baby steps, and 5 pounds is a more reachable goal than 17.5.

However, I've been gathering information about gaining weight (hence, my previous porker post) and I have discovered I have an aversion to carbohydrates.  It is a struggle to force myself to eat them, however, I don't have this problem at breakfast.  At breakfast, I love an egg on toast, hot cereal, granola, waffles, pancakes, a bagel.  Carbs galore!  But lunch and dinner, especially at restaurants, I find myself cringing at the thought of carbs.  Not that I consciously don't like carbs, but when I scan a menu and pick out things that look delicious and things that don't, the things that don't tend to be carbs- sandwiches, pasta dishes, potatoes, rice.  The things that do look good tend to be salads, soups, meats- things with nutrients and animal fats and protiens and water!  (Thats another thing- despite my love of tea helping with my morning fluid intake, I think I am usually dehydrated.)  So the foods I naturally love are not fattening foods, and the foods I do not favor are the carbs I need to add a few extra pounds.

Perhaps people are not "naturally thin" or have a "genetically high metabolism."  Perhaps it just has to do with what foods are pleasing to their palates.  And if that is the case, is that preference genetic?

A Game of "What If"

What if you were a farmer?

You would probably have something like this:

You would want to turn him into something like this:

So, to fatten him up, you feed him some of this:

Those are grains, in case you didn't know.  Grains form the foundation of an American's diet, because someone gave us this:

And then, after learning in school that grains are the most important part of our diet, we look like porkers and someone has the audacity to put in the newspapers things like this:

Why on earth is obesity a surprise?  And WHO is the farmer that's trying to fatten us up for the slaughter?  Make no bones about it, one of these days, we're going to wake up and realize we're just being farmed by aliens.

When Hormones Attack

I have just dis- covered something dis- turbing.  I used to blame the hormones when I feel like taking out the world with a chainsaw.  I never really thought my body responded well to estrogen or progesterone, based on how many times I felt like roadkill on a monthly basis.  But I have just discovered that the times I am tempted to behave the worst are the times when I have neither of those hormones in my system.  Perhaps I actually am a... jerk that rhymes with witch, and the hormones are there to make me more normal.  Usually on my bad days my personality changes and I begin to have issues with people.  I am now curious what the deal was with those 11 months that I worked in the mall.  Someone must have been sneaking antihormone pills into my food or something.

Today's issues with people:

When I call you inquiring about a job opening, is it really that hard to call back, even if its to say, "Sorry, position filled"?

Please don't tell me how to run a business, and please don't tell me that its my duty to work pro-bono.  There's a reason it costs money to be trained to do what I do.  (That being said, there IS a volunteer job I am considering taking because I believe it may advance what I'm doing.)

Please don't tell me something so obscure I have no idea what you are talking about and then ask me not to share it.  I'm not going to share it, I don't even know what the heck kind of problem you are having because you haven't told me anything.

Please don't text message a single word to me.  That "Hey" just cost 20 cents.  Don't put feelers out to see if I'm near my phone, just say what you want to say and when I am near the phone I will respond to you.

If we are best friends, I will say so.  If I haven't said so, its not because I'm shy, its because I choose not to hurt you by throwing you to the curb.  This is the same reason children think I love them.

Call me.  I don't even remember now why you need to call me but you do.  Its the principle of the matter.

Powerful Words

Many years ago, I took a class at my church.  I don't remember the name of the class but it had to do with being spiritually in tune to God's will for your life and for others.  Basically, it outlined the difference between psychics and prophets of God, and how they often operate under the same spiritual properties but with a different purpose in mind and a different end result.

Additionally, it has been taught, both in my church and many others, that the "power of life and death is in the tongue."  In other words, "God said 'let there be light,'"  "God said 'let the waters teem with living creatures,'"  "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God,"  "the Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us."  (Emphasis mine.)  Just as God spoke the world into existence, we can speak things into existence in our lives or the lives of others.  Telling someone they are ugly cuts deep and if your words take hold in them, they will believe it, and can become ugly people in their own words or actions.

So, when someone speaks negative words in our lives, we are taught to verbally say with equal authority, "I do not accept that," and usually, to get the name of Jesus in there somewhere.  Psychics and energy workers such as Reiki therapists operate on similar principles.  When negative words are spoken, they respond with positive, "to speak positive and not negative into the universe."

In many cases, however, church goers shun all things psychic, including the psychic herself/himself, to the point that anything the psychic says gets a response (verbal or internalized) that is something along the lines of "I DON'T ACCEPT THAT, YOU SPAWN OF SATAN."  And that is not a loving way to respond, especially if the psychic really is just trying to extend a blessing from one human being to another.

So, what do you think?  If a Christian receives a blessing for prosperity, lets say positive words upon a business endeavor, from a psychic, should the Christian accept the positive words, or say "I do not accept words for my future from someone who does not share my faith"?

An unusual post

If you know me well, you know I'm not likely to write a blog post about astrology.  Yet, here I am, doing just that.  Hooray for unpredictability!  If you were unaware, like I was until I was informed by a friend last night, an astrologer in Minnesota published an article in a newspaper stating that there is a 13th zodiac sign called Ophiuchus and that we need to begin using it because the earth's wobble is messing with the locations of the constellations.  For a few hours, I went from being a Cancer to a Gemini.  I was unhappy because I prefer being crabby to being not-the-only-one-of-my-kind (cancer is a crab, gemini are twins).  Then I read an article stating that the American Federation of Astrologers issued an official response stating that the Minnesota guy is wrong and we can keep our old signs.  Not knowing anything about astrology, this could be like the CDC saying not to worry about smallpox anymore, I have no idea.

Although I don't read horoscopes (except to play the game where you add "in bed" to the end of every sentence), and I don't put much stock in the personality traits associated with each sign (I fit into ALL of them), I do have a fascination for the stars.  One of my favorite star stories comes from the Bible, where the wise men followed a star to find the savior of the world.  Because stars are stationary, scientists today believe the wise men were following a wandering star -a planet- or possibly a configuration of two planets lined up.  To me, this is wonderful.  Although in my day-to-day life I do not believe we should try to find meanings or messages from the stars about our fate or make choices accordingly, this story says to me that God thought Jesus' advent to earth was so important, that even the stars declared the coming of the Messiah.  It says to me that perhaps, just maybe, there are other events that are important enough that God would reflect them in the stars.  The invention of chocolate truffles perhaps?

There is another interesting thing about the astrological signs.  In Christian circles, astrology is viewed with great distrust and is considered sinful, pagan, and even demonic.  However, the constellations associated with the astrological signs tell a wonderful story that Christians tell over and over in less creative ways.  Allow me to elaborate:

Virgo (the virgin):  Isaiah 7:14  Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign:  The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.

Libra (the scales):  Isaiah 42:1  Here is my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen one in whom I delight; I will put my Spirit on him, and he will bring justice to the nations.

Scorpio (the scorpion):  In the sky, the constellation is reaching its claws towards the scales, as if to keep them out of balance.  In art and mythology, Scorpio is shown stinging the foot of a man while the man crushes it.  Genesis 3:15  And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers, he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel.

Sagittarius (the archer/centaur):  In the sky, the constellation is pointing his arrow to shoot the scorpion.  In art and mythology, a centaur represents a being caught between two natures, or the incarnation of God as a man.  Below him in the sky, is the Southern Cross.  John 1:14  The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.  We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Capricorn (the goat):  Reference Leviticus 16.  Aaron as the high priest was to offer to the Lord a sin offering for his own sins.  Then he was to offer a goat to the Lord as a sin offering on behalf of the people.  Jesus became the scapegoat and the sin offering on behalf of all people, so that blood sacrifices were no longer necessary.

Aquarius (the water-bearer):  After the sacrifice, God poured out his Spirit to guide us.  I John 5:6-8  This is the one who came by water and blood- Jesus Christ.  He did not come by water only, but by water and blood.  And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth.  For there are three that testify: the Spirit, the water and the blood; and the three are in agreement.

Pisces (the fish):  As Jesus' followers began to establish the ancient church, and were persecuted, they found ways to identify themselves using secret symbols.  Even today, the fish represents to the world one who follows Jesus' teachings.

Aries (the ram):  A continued reminder that just as God sent a ram in place of Abraham's sacrifice, so he provided a ram by sending the Messiah, and continues to provide for his followers to this day.  Genesis 22:13-14  Abraham looked up and there in the thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns.  He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.  So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."

Taurus (the bull):  In this constellation, the Pleiades (stars) make up the neck of the bull.  The Pleiades in mythology are the 7 sisters who judge.  Judgment is coming in the last days.  John 12:47-48  If anyone hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge that person.  For I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world.  There is a judge for the one who rejects me and does not accept my words; the very words I have spoken will condemn them at the last day.

Gemini (the twins): He came once and is coming again.  Mark 14:61-62  But Jesus remained silent and gave no answer.  Again the high priest asked him, "Are you the Messiah, the Son of the Blessed One?"  "I am," said Jesus.  "And you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven."

Cancer (the crab):  The crab is an animal that has completely encased itself behind secure walls of protection.  It trusts in its exoskeleton and can sometimes be fearless because of that.  We too can live our lives knowing we are secure in who we are and without fear of the end times.  Psalm 91:1-2  Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Leo (the lion): Revelation 5:5  Then one of the elders said to me, "Do not weep!  See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has triumphed.  He is able to open the scroll and its seven seals."

And so concludes the story of the world that is written in the stars.  But, you ask, what about the 13th symbol?

Ophiuchus (the serpent bearer): He falls between Scorpio and Saggitarius, both in the zodiac and in the timeline of the story I've laid out above.  His symbol is that of a snake wrapped around a staff (shown above).  Sound familiar?  Numbers 21:6-9  Then the LORD sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died.  The people came to Moses and said, "We sinned when we spoke against the LORD and against you.  Pray that the LORD will take the snakes away from us."  So Moses prayed for the people.  The LORD said to Moses, "Make a snake and put it up on a pole; anyone who is bitten can look at it and live."  So Moses made a bronze snake and put it up on a pole.  Then when anyone was bitten by a snake and looked at the bronze snake, they lived.

Moses provided a foreshadow of the things to come; Jesus was later asked if he was Moses or Elijah.  The literary element of foreshadow is amazing and, in my opinion, makes a story just that much more exciting!  John 8:24 and 28  "I told you that you would die in your sins; if you do not believe that I am he, you will indeed die in your sins."  ... So Jesus said, "When you have lifted up the Son of Man, then you will know that I am he and that I do nothing on my own but speak just what the Father has taught me."

If you ask me, the story the Bible tells is an exciting one, and to see that same story told in the stars is just beautiful.  I love stars!

How to be neurotic.

The theory is that everyone is an expert on something, and through blogging, a person can be that expert, even if it is something simple like "fashionable t-shirt expert."

My problem is I have a lot to say about a lot of different topics, but I would not consider myself an expert on anything.  Do I really have a right to blog, if that is the purpose for blogging, and if I am not an expert?  Am I selling myself short by believing I am not an expert?  I have been trying for 5 or more months to write about something that's been turning around and around in my head, but I can't seem to get it to come out.

If I had one blog entry left to write, and upon having written it, I would die, what is the one thing you wish I would write about?  Do I have something valuable in me to leave to others before I go?  More importantly, perhaps I should turn the question around to myself.  If I had one blog entry left before I die, what is the one thing I would want people to know?  I suppose for the purposes of this line of questioning, I'll make the rule that the "I love you and goodbye" stuff has been gotten out of the way, so I can't write that.

I see blogs about people's photography, the journey of motherhood, style and fashion, style and fashion on a budget, DIY projects, DIY wedding projects, healthy foods, unhealthy foods, you name it and it is out there somewhere.  But I don't think there is any one thing that I can safely say is "MY" area of expertise.  Except "being me" and that... who really wants to try and be me?  Its impossible and a crazy idea.  Just tonight I was making faces at my webcam and being silly.  Nobody really can be my kind of silly, they can try but they will just end up being their kind of silly.

So what am I getting at?  I suppose its a strange and slightly neurotic mix of "I'm unique but I have nothing unique enough to interest people on a blog."  Sometimes I feel I could write the book on being neurotic though.  If I had a blog about how to be neurotic, do you think anyone would read it?

The Crossroads

So, I came to a crossroads and I had a choice.  I could blog about some spiritual topic which I've forgotten but which made me go "Ahhhh too comp-
licated!"  I could blog about "my type of man."  Or I could blog about my favorite flavor muffin.

The only logical blog topic, of the three, is the muffin.  There are many different types of muffins I've eaten, and most of them I've liked, with the exception of the lime-green colored pistachio muffins.  When it comes to baking, my favorite muffin to bake is this, the Pumpkin Apple Streusel Muffins.  They are not incredibly difficult, and also, not incredibly easy.  But they are incredibly tasty.  There are also so many ways you can make variations on them, so they can be catered to the health-food crowd, the weight loss crowd, the I-just-have-weird-tastes crowd, and the I-don't-care-how-unhealthy-it-is-I'm-still-going-to-eat-it crowd.

But when it comes to store-bought muffins, I think I have to say I like to stick to the good old traditional blueberry muffin.  Bonus points if the blue gooey goodness is there but somehow in baking the blueberry skin has disintegrated and become part of the muffin batter.  For some reason, this is only my preference for muffins.  Blueberry pancakes and waffles, in my opinion, taste best when made with artificial "bluettes" which are balls of blueberry-flavored cornstarch or some other thing that will dissolve when cooked.

And while we're talking about breakfast foods, here's a recipe for you to try and get back with me.  Get a box of Bisquick or other prepared pancake/waffle mix.  Use the appropriate amount of dry mix to make waffles.  Omit all liquid ingredients listed on the box and replace with the same amount of raspberry ginger ale.  If you are allergic to red dye #40, R.W. Knudsen has some fun all-natural spritzer flavors, like boysenberry.  Or, you can use regular ginger ale but then you don't get that cool pink color of the batter.  When the batter is just barely mixed, pour a cup at a time onto a waffle iron and make waffles.  No need for syrup- the sugar in the ginger ale or spritzer should be enough unless you like the idea of developing diabetes.  This is one of my favorite "lazy-day" recipes because it has only two ingredients and is very easy to throw together.  Enjoy!

Re-vamping my life

No, thats not what I mean, but the word re- vamping does make me giggle.  I just mean I think I need to fix some aspects of my life.  This is not because of the new year, or maybe it is.  I don't really believe New Year's Resolutions work, but it just so happens I'm thinking about making some changes and its January as well.

I spend a lot of time on the computer, blogging, following others' blogs, learning new web design skills, learning from others' blogs what designs work or don't work, job hunting, and wasting time.  As you can see, not all of my time on the computer is a waste of time.  I just think perhaps it should be made more productive than not.  For instance, I don't really need to follow the blogs I follow for the writing itself.  But in seeing how others make changes to their designs, I can see something cool, say, "I want that," and then figure out the html to do it.  So should I stop reading those blogs?  I don't know.  It certainly would save me a lot of time to quit reading them.

On the other hand, learning all this cool html stuff, learning how Blogger design works, learning what looks good and what doesn't... all that stuff has to count for something, right?  Can I use it to make my life (and my massage business?) more productive?  Can I make a little moolah designing my friends' blogs or websites for them even though I haven't gone to school for graphic design or web design?  I feel like the world is changing faster than it used to and if I want my business to succeed, I have to try and keep it current.  And I feel like that last sentence makes me old.  Am I OLD?

One thing is for sure, THIS blog is staying the same.  I like my blue dragon, even though I've forgotten what name I gave him.  Was it Fred?  I can't remember.  Although, I do believe I'm going to try to put more pictures in my blogs more often.  Everyone likes pictures.

Here's a list of ways I'm thinking of adjusting:
1.  Yoga and Pilates.  That was going to start last week, but I was sick.  So its starting this week.
2.  Running and Dancing.  For those days when I'm sick of Yoga and Pilates.  In all, I intend no more than 1 hour of exercise per day.  I have other things to get done too, you know.
3.  My Massage Website maintenance.  New updates every few days, alternating between my webs.com site and my facebook fan page.
4.  Book blog and Tea blog.  Because books and tea go so well together, I can do research for both at the same time.  The only thing better would be to drink tea while reading a book about tea and then blog both.  If I can make them great, perhaps I'll get enough traffic to generate some income.
5.  Squidoo.  A friend suggested I try this.  The Squidoo slogan is something along the lines of "Everyone is an expert at something" and presumably, that is why one should begin making lenses at Squidoo.  I have not tried it yet because I have this fear that I will have nothing worthwhile to write about.  Someday, maybe this year, I will try it.
6.  Jill-of-all-trades.  My post-high-school education suggests I might have one of three possible career areas.  It is my goal to have a career in everything, and defy my family's expectations that I will one day settle down with one.

Just thinking...

My first post of 2011!  Apparently, people have been waiting to hear what I have to say.  Unfortunately, its not much.

The first thing I have to say is, Blogger's new editor sucks.  Hitting "enter" doesn't create a line break, it takes me back to the top of the entry, which is annoying.

In other news, I've been sick since Sunday night, with the longest sustained fever in the history of Meghan.  While waiting to get better I slept more than my cat, and listened to the New Testament on tape.  Which leads me to my first pondering question of the night.

It seems that in Jesus' day, there were a lot of people going around and being possessed by demons.  And not just the kind of demon possession where a reader could think, "Oh well it was a mental illness but in those days they didn't know what to call it so they called it demon possession."  These demons had personalities different from the people they were possessing, and brought to their hosts abilities humans cannot sustain, such as breaking through chains and taking gates off their hinges (yes, those stories were around long before "The Exorcist").  Having a personality disorder does not give you superhuman strength.  It also does not give you knowledge.  When Jesus encountered a demon-possessed person, the demons would declare him as "the Son of the Most High God," "the Holy One of Israel," or some other title which Jesus was not yet making public to his followers.  He would tell the demons to be quiet.  So, it seems clear to me that when it comes to demon possession, the accounts found in the Gospels are not simply misdiagnosed mental disorders.

My question is about today.  Aside from the movies, we don't see instances of demon possession.  The crazed people living in the wilds outside the city limits do not have superhuman strength.  They often have watery eyes, runny noses, and scars on their forearms.  So, where did all the demons go?  Did something happen that makes humans less vulnerable to possession?  Do the demons still possess people but have found a way to make their hosts blend into society better so that no one would suspect?  Did the demons simply find a better method to accomplish their goals (whatever those may be)?  Or is it just that all such instances of demon possession are hidden away and swept under the rug (denial of existence)?

And there were a few other things I was going to talk about but I think I'll save it for another day.

Reading faces like a wolf...

I recently visited a church I've never attended before. While putting on my coat to leave, I was ambushed by two girls caked with makeup and hair that screamed "OH PLEASE STOP TORTURING ME!!"

"Hi!!!! I'm Jodi, and this is Elizabeth!!!" Not their real names; I forgot their names the moment I replied politely with my own.

"Have you been coming here long??!!" I replied that I was visiting the church because a friend attends, and pointed her out. "OHH thats great!! We loooove her so much!!"

The whole conversation continued like that. My friend came over to say hi to the girls, and they talked for much longer than I had the patience for. Elizabeth had such a large grin stuck to her face that I thought the skin on her nose was going to rip off. It reminded me of a story I once read about a girl who was lost in the wilderness. She tried to show the wolves she was friendly and not food by smiling at them but then realized that a smile to a wolf looks the same way a snarl does- squinted eyes, raised lips and bared teeth. I imagined I must have part wolf in me.

My friend wandered away and I was now finished bundling up for my trip back into the cold. The girls took the hint that I was leaving. "Well, it was wonderful meeting you; I hope we see you again soon!!!" And then they both hugged me.

I have to say, I love hugs. I love hugging my friends, and I sometimes hug my Asian friends who grew up without that in their culture and find it "weird." But that is the thing. I hug my friends. People who I know will forgive me for not adhering to their cultural differences, people who love me regardless of my invasion of their personal space. (And yes, I need my own space too. I am not a 24-7 hug machine.)

If I have just insulted you five times in three paragraphs written in my head while you continued talking, don't hug me. If I am new to your church and you appear to have a plastic grin on your face, don't hug me, and don't invite me back. And more importantly, if I have just compared you in my head to a helpless child and myself as a wolf, don't hug me.

I enjoyed the service quite a lot, I enjoyed being with my friend and having a new experience. But my impression of the church is that it embodies all the reasons I stopped going to a brick and mortar church (way-too-cheerful-people, worship songs that make no sense when you actually read the lyrics, nothing in the sermon that I didn't already know from 3rd grade.)

However, I did love the fact that my visit to the church caused me to imagine myself as a wolf. That was a highlight of my night.

Another reason to have a kid...

"Well, our first year in our apartment, we got a puppy. The second year, we got another puppy. The agreement we signed says two dogs maximum, so we figured the next logical step would be to have a baby."

Making Christmas Cookies

Meg's Lemon Glaze (yes I invented my own instead of going to allrecipes.com)

Ingredients:
1 Lemon
2 cups powdered sugar

Directions:
Zest lemon. Set zest aside. Slice lemon, squeeze juice out. This should make roughly 1/4 cup of juice. If not, you may have to supplement with another lemon, or bottled lemon juice, although it also would not hurt to have less than the full amount.

Place 1 cup powdered sugar in a bowl. Mix lemon juice and zest into bowl. Slowly stir in the second cup of powdered sugar. If you are short 1 1/2 cups of powdered sugar from the beginning, get your dad's coffee grinder out of the cupboard. Clean out the remains of the rosemary you ground in it last time and did a crap job of cleaning. Mix granulated sugar into the grinder, and run it until you no longer hear the sugar grains hitting the sides. Do this three or four times, since the grinder only holds 1/2 cup of sugar at most. By the time you get the correct proportions into the bowl, the glaze will be thick and creamy, but fairly fluid. This is ok. Place on your favorite cookies or pound cake, and set aside in a cool place. It will harden in a little while and then you can place the cookies in a sealed container.

My day yesterday involved bad or missing ingredients and the best substitution I could come up with, so it was only somewhat productive because I lost a lot of time deviating from the recipe. Several of the recipes I wanted to do yesterday had to get moved to today. My cooking today seemed to go a bit better, and I managed to follow three recipes, invent two, and direct my dad and brother on making the appetizer for tonight's Christmas party. The cats are fed, the dishes are clean, and it looks like I might actually be dressed up for the party AND arrive on time, with the wrapped $5 gift for the gift game.

The only thing is the crackle-top ginger snaps didn't crackle-top themselves. I don't know why.

Blanche DuBois

So, yesterday I went to a dinner prepared by my great aunt, who is visiting her brother in NJ. These two are the siblings of my biological grandmother, who died when my dad was three. I find it wonderful that even after all these years, they still remain in contact with their sister's side of the family.

Now that I've got all the pleasantries out of the way, and you know I appreciate them, I'm going to make a few jokes out of the evening.

I walked in, and my dad's aunt, G.A.B for short, kissed me as all great aunts do and said, "Gracious, I haven't seen you since you were 16 and you visited my farm in the midwest!"

Me: No Aunt G.A.B., I am pretty sure I saw you the last time you came out this way, just a few years ago.
G.A.B.: Oh heavens, I haven't been out this way in many years! [Begins to walk back to the kitchen to finish the preparations.]
Me: Weren't you here just after your trip to Machu Picchu?
G.U.D. (Dad's uncle): Yes, yes, you're correct Melanie- I mean- Meghan. She did go to Mexico a while back.
[Now my head is spinning as I try to keep my South American countries straight: "Peru- no, Argentina, no, its that one on the side..."]
Me: You mean Chile?
G.U.D.: Ah yes, South America. You are right.

To clarify matters, I did visit G.A.B.'s farm- in 1993 (age 9). Upon further reflection, it is possible I may have acted 16 while I was there. But I know for a fact my 16th birthday was spent in a car traveling to Nova Scotia, and that is the only vacation destination my parents chose that summer.

After our general greetings were accomplished, we sat in the living room catching up while waiting for my dad to arrive (there was traffic on Rt. 17 so we expected him to be delayed). My brother was unable to come, so after an explanation of his absence, discussion naturally turned to his job.

Mom: He had to have a physical done in order for him to be on a special project, so he scheduled the appointment and when he got there, they ran the test two or three times before the doctor came out and informed him that the machine was not set to measure the physical fitness of people as healthy as he was, and that for that reason, they could not give him an accurate read-out.
G.A.B.: Why didn't they know this before they hired him?
Me: Because his job usually doesn't require great physical fitness, only this special event did, so they tested him when the occasion arose.
G.A.B.: What was the job?
Me: They knew he would be outdoors, running, jumping, lifting, things like that.
G.A.B.: But what would he be doing that for?
Mom: Well, they want him to know what the soldiers go through so that when he's doing his engineering stuff, he can figure out how to make new inventions that would keep them safe and make their job easier. So they had him running all the same maneuvers the new recruits would have to learn.
G.A.B.: I still don't understand the job.
Mom: They gave him and his teammates laser tag guns. The opposing team had to hide among civilians on an abandoned train car, and they had to go in, kill the enemy without harming civilians, and secure the car. Then they would switch.
G.A.B.: [in utter consternation] But thats... thats WAR!!!
Mom: Yes.
Me: [in my head] What part of "My brother works for the Department of Defense" don't you understand?
G.A.B.: [sputtering] Doesn't that bother him?
Mom: He's been blowing things up since he was in high school; this is his dream job.
G.A.B.: Well, lets go eat.
G.U.D.: But Dan's not here yet! (My father)
G.A.B.: He will be here any minute. We'll start now while the crab is still hot. (Subtext: War is evil, change the subject NOW.)

Something interesting to observe is that while I did know that G.A.B. is very far onto the pacifist end of the spectrum, I did not know until now that she seems almost delusional about it, as if avoiding it could make it not exist. Yes war is ugly, but it is also unavoidable. There is nothing any Americans can do to prevent us from having a military, so instead of hiding from the truth, why not face it and make war safer for our soldiers? That is the job my brother does. And one other thing: wishing for my father to arrive will not make him arrive, and acting on your wishes only makes you rude when he arrives and you've already finished the first course. Luckily, in this instance, my dad pulled up right as she announced we should eat.

At the dinner table, we all got caught up on how my dad's cousins are doing, and where their children are going to college, etc. G.A.B. was explaining how her son had just completed a 10-year project at a well-known computer company.

G.A.B.: And my son said to me, "Mom, as a life-long environmentalist, I know you will appreciate this project I am working on. We spent ten years working on this and we have finally done it. We have made our computers more efficient, so that if you put in 100 giga-whatever-unit-she-used, 100 is what it takes. Nothing is lost."
Dad: So, the input of energy is the same as the output?
G.A.B.: [Chuckle] I don't know what Phillip is talking about half the time, but he really impressed me that he created such an energy-efficient computer.
G.U.D.: Babbi (his name for her), what Dan is trying to say is that it sounds like you are saying Phillip has created a perpetual motion machine.
G.A.B.: [Beaming brightly]. Yes, exactly.
G.U.D., the engineer, and Dad: [perplexed looks.]

At this point I am trying to hold back my fits of glee because 1) I have so much awesome blogging material and 2) I can't wait to tell my brother the engineer that his cousin-once-removed may have broken the laws of physics as we currently understand them.

Mom took the opportunity to jump up and start doing dishes, which was the signal for us all to begin whatever preparations needed to be done for dessert.

By the way, my G.A.B., although I view her as somewhat delusional, is a kindred spirit in the kitchen. The menu for the evening was as follows: Cocktail shrimp on a bed of lettuce and julienne peppers, baked crab stuffing on a seashell, baked sweet potato, stuffed baked zucchini, and salmon hollandaise. Follow with coffee ice cream, cookies, tea or coffee. As you may have guessed, G.A.B. did the dinner, and G.U.D. provided a manly dessert.

As I end this blog entry, I can't help but wonder who in my family gets to be Marlon Brando.

A guide to this season's calendar

These days, its hard to know what holiday traditions you should be a part of, and what you should skip. For your peace of mind this season, I've put together a guide on what to do and when.

November 28: The first Sunday of Advent. Light a purple candle on your Advent wreath, burn for the day, then extinguish it.
December 1: The first day of "commercial Advent." Open a door on your little paper advent calendar, on this day, and all the following until the 24th.
December 2: The first day of Hanukkah. Light one menorah candle each night until Dec. 9
December 5: The second Sunday of Advent. Re-light the purple candle from last week, and light another purple candle on the Advent wreath, extinguish at the end of the day.
December 6: Feast day of St. Nicholas. Today is the day everyone should await the arrival of Santa Claus, bearing gifts for children OR if you are reading this from the past, before the arrival and conquest of Catholicism, you would be awaiting the arrival of the Germanic god Odin, riding his 8-legged flying horse leading a great hunting party through the sky. It seems everyone is waiting for someone.
December 9: Reminder, it is the last night of Hanukkah.
December 12: The third Sunday of Advent. Re-light the previous candles, and light the rose colored candle, extinguish at the end of the day.
December 13: Feast Day of Saint Lucy. By the Julian calendar, this would have be the longest night of the year. If you are Scandinavian, Roman Catholic, Lutheran, Anglican, or Orthodox, you should go to church for a special service in honor of this patron saint of blind people; the service also mourns the loss of daylight. Young girls will be dressing in white with candle-lit wreathes on their heads. Note- the saint is often depicted holding a tray of her own eyeballs, but have no fear, any religious service you go to this day will not require young girls to gouge out their eyes.
December 19: The fourth Sunday of Advent. Light all the candles on the Advent wreath, burn until the end of the day.
December 21: The winter solstice- Yule. A three-night festival. Start drinking now. Drink a toast to Odin for victory and power to the king. Then drink a toast to two gods whose names you won't be able to pronounce when you're drunk, for the harvest and peace. Then drink a toast to the king. Then drink a toast to the dearly departed. This is my kind of holiday. Also, send your drunk men out into the woods with instructions to find the biggest honkin' log they can find, bring it back, and burn it. For the heck of it. We'll drink a toast to the log too.
December 24: Christmas Eve. Tonight, you lie to your kids about a fictional, overly commercialized character who is loosely based on the characters from December 6, in order to get them to go to bed early because they've probably been on a sugar high since Thanksgiving and you are sick of the little brats. If you are German, your kids will be awaiting the arrival of Kris Kringle (who is NOT Santa Claus or Saint Nicholas), or Christkindl (Christ child). Traditionally, today is the day to decorate a Christmas tree, which dates back to when St. Boniface cut down the tree of Thor to prove the helplessness of Norse gods, and a spruce tree grew in its place.
December 25: Christmas Day. Commercially, all the junk bought on Black Friday will be given today. In some cultures, it was given last night. From a religious perspective, we commemorate the day God gave the ultimate gift to mankind by miraculously coming to earth in human form.
December 26: Kwanzaa begins. This is a holiday which was invented in 1966. It combines the lighting of colored candles (Advent) on something that suspiciously resembles a menorah with the giving of gifts and a week-long celebration. It ends January 1.
December 31: Another reason to party. Its the last chance to make mistakes in 2010, so get drunk and make them before midnight because after midnight it will be a new year and you don't want to get off on the wrong foot.
January 6: Twelfth Night/Epiphany. This day concludes the 12 days of Christmas. Tell all the maids milking, pipers piping, lords leaping and drummers drumming to go home because your true love is tired of the gifts. Today also concludes the "winter festival" that begins on All Hallows Eve (Halloween). Additionally, it is the day Christ was supposedly revealed as the Christ by the "wise men from the east." Because, the angels and the shepherds weren't revealing enough. You may now remove your Christmas tree on any date after this one.
February 2: Candlemas. This feast day represents the day Jesus was presented at the temple in Jerusalem. If your Christmas tree is still up, it is a bad sign. Because in addition to all the religions represented here, we have to get non-theistic superstition somewhere in here as well, so here you go.

Please note, I have attempted to list the holidays you are most likely to encounter while going about your daily activities. I have deliberately left out Festivus (December 23), National Regifting Day (the Thursday before Christmas, also December 23), Boxing Day (December 26), Handsel Monday (the first Monday of the year, January 3), and Distaff Day (January 7) because honestly, you are not likely to encounter many people observing them.

Tree Lighting

Every year, Santa comes to my town in a firetruck and lights the large evergreen in front of town hall. I have never witnessed this phenomenon, but I have, on multiple occasions, witnessed the Santa-mannequin-in-the-rocking-chair-in-the-rowboat parade of fire department vehicles from yesterday's blog post.

So I was curious to see what the fuss is all about. I got there, and the mayor was complaining that the planning committee did everything she asked except make the weather warmer. Apparently, on December 6th, 2001, the temperature was 71. Tonight, it is 28.

So, after the Pledge of Allegiance, led by the boy scouts and the high school color guard, and then the national anthem sung by the high school choir, and Christmas carols led by the choir, and the high school band, we finally generated enough holiday cheer to beckon Santa from the firehouse down the road- I mean, all the way from the North Pole. When the engine pulled up (poor reindeer got outsourced for a cooler, flashier mode of transportation), Santa hopped off and took a microphone. Mayor Bieri asked him about the weather up at the North Pole and here's what he said:

"Oh, I gotta tell you, the Nowth Pole is so cold, this weatha down heah isn't cowld at awl. Its wawm!" Apparently, the North Pole is inhabited by settlers from Brooklyn. "Well, I heah I've got an impowrtant job to do, so, lets get awn wid it." Then we had a countdown, just to get people involved and the halogen lights dimmed, the tree lit up, and that was that. Thank goodness, now I can get out of the cold.

Santa Claus is coming...

In the stories, Santa comes to town on a flying sleigh pulled by magic reindeer. In the neighboring town of Bloomingdale, Santa comes to town by helicopter. In the good ol' hick town known affectionately as Milly, today is the day you do not want to have a fire, because the firemen are getting drunk today and pulling a Santa mannequin around town in a red rowboat towed by a red pickup truck and preceded by the Fire Chief's truck and a fire engine with sirens blazing.

No pictures, unfortunately. Although it happens every year, it slipped my mind and I was not prepared for the occasion.

Nothing

I keep opening my blogger account with the intention to blog something but when I do I find I have nothing to say. The feeling is there, that urge to express myself, but the words are not. I've got nothing.

Christmas Grammar Lesson

So, the song is sung at a fairly high tempo with enough speed that there really isn't much room for punctuation: Godrestyoumerrygentlemenletnothingyoudismay *breath* rememberChristyourSay-ayv-viorwasbornonChristmasday *breath.*

But what does it mean? I have seen three interpretations based on the location of a little tiny comma.

1) God rest you, merry gentlemen
2) God rest, you merry gentlemen
3) God rest you merry, gentlemen

It is amazing how much a sentence can change with the location of that tiny punctuation mark. What are these meanings?

1) May God give rest to you and by you I mean the merry gentlemen in my presence. The phrase "God rest you" sort of has a "rest in peace" feel to it.
2) May the creator rest as he did on the 7th day. Yes, I'm talking to you, the merry gentlemen in front of me. Give him a break!
3) May God make your lives merry. I'm talking to you, the gentlemen.

So, what do you think is the intended meaning of the song? Isn't the comma an amazing little thing?

A Thanksgiving Scrooge

Its been suggested to me that perhaps something traumatic happened to me on Thanksgiving which I have repressed. It would explain my aversion to the day.

I do remember, upon learning that my chicken pox would prevent me from attending the family's Thanksgiving gathering, a feeling of extreme satisfaction that I would have a legitimate and acceptable excuse. And that was in 4th grade. Anything traumatic in my buried memories must have occurred before that.

The reason for this post is that my parents packed up some Thanksgiving leftovers to take with them on their weekend trip to Cape Cod. Then, they never ate the leftovers, and brought them back. Mom opened them up for dinner tonight, and for some reason, I was awash with anger nearly instantly. Not at her, but at the food. I was angry at food! As if it has somehow wronged me? There's something wrong with me.

I've skipped Thanksgiving

I have officially started the Christmas season. And, to be precise, my Christmas shopping was completed primarily in August, with the last gift being purchased in October. The Christmas cds are going out to my car tomorrow morning.

What has triggered this? It had something to do with the last blog I posted, the theme of which I blog about every year- that I dislike Thanksgiving food, and most of the experiences related to Thanksgiving. It also had something to do with this:



I wish I could have been there for this. Of all the public stunts you hear about- spontaneous pillow fights, freeze frame for five minutes in Grand Central Station, or people walking down the street dressed as zombies- this one is the most exciting.

I love the tradition that states that when King George II heard this, he was moved to stand to his feet, and thus the performers, orchestra and audience also had to stand. It in some ways gives validation to the chills I feel when I listen to this music. I would love to have been in that food court, and even if I were not originally a part of the planned event, I would have stood and joined the singing. Because who doesn't love a Broadway musical moment where the simplest act causes everyone around you to break out into song and dance?