my day

So... I was trying to be optimistic with that dove entry... but it only holds out for so long. I'm trying to be transparent now, we'll see if it works. I spent the afternoon crying because things were piling up. Then I dried my tears, and left all my problems in my apartment. I went to jujitsu and managed to leave everything bad off the mat. Its funny, right after I tested for blue belt, I started learning how to do a stime (for those of you who don't know, a stime is a sort of aerial somersault where you land in a side-fall position, rather than on your feet- sounds painful but isn't unless you do it wrong). Then, I just kept getting injured in ways that made me incapable of practicing stimes. I couldn't understand why, but after today, I think I do. I don't claim to know God's reasoning for letting things happen, but here's a good idea I've got: injuring my thigh/hip forced me to focus on my falls, and make sure I stay straight. Without that, stimes would be torture. In addition, waiting until tonight to work on stimes was perfect timing. Although I was drained from an emotional day, the incredibly hard work on the stimes kept my mind occupied, and off the rest of the day. In terms of emotionally struggling, doing stimes tonight allowed me an outlet... to sort of take it out on my body. Like I did last summer working at Betty's on the rock wall. I'm not saying that injuring myself in order to postpone stimes to this moment is the whole reason for the injuries, but they can be good things too. There's always something good about life, even the bad things.

Having said that, doing stimes correctly feels like flying. I've always wanted to fly. Its really a wonderful feeling. I think I'm going to like this.

Anyway, I came back from jujitsu and lookie there, my problems were waiting for me at the door like lost puppies. I cried again, and this time, it felt like the tears were productive. I really wanted my mom to come and hold me. And I called her, but she wasn't home. All the same, the tears did something, and I don't need to cry anymore... till something else happens haha. Now, after a refreshing shower and a good cold glass of water, I'm all good again, and Anissa and Sam are here. Which is why I've gotta cut this short. But I've said what I wanted to say. So that's all. Thanks for listening to what I hope was me not holding stuff back, but really sharing about me. Goodnight, all!

omen?

I'm not superstitious... I just think omen is a cool word. But here's what happened. On the way home from class yesterday, I took off my shoes and walked barefoot under the trees outside College Hall. Just in time, I caught myself before startling a white dove at the base of the tree. Well anyway, my heart said it was a white dove. My head said it was an inbred, albino pigeon. But when I'm barefoot, my heart overrules anything my head decrees. Or at least, it did yesterday. It was so beautiful... and it decided it wasn't going to be afraid of me, and went back to its lunch. Something about it struck me... I'd like to feel safe and secure like that white dove. Well... that's all I have to say... there's more, about decisions and feelings I have, but I don't want to taint it, nor do I want to share certain things with the world on this blog.

lots of thoughts

So... one year ago today, I woke up feeling the worst feeling in the world. My dad was away, and I had fallen asleep in my mom's bed while giving her a back massage. I had dreamed of a harvested cornfield. There was nothing left except the broken stalks. And that was pretty much how my heart felt too. A vast, endless expanse of nothing, where once there had been something living, and growing, and beautiful. I opened my eyes and thought... "So this is what its like to be single. I had forgotten. Somehow, I don't remember it hurting this much." Then I had to get up, and go to work, and act like I had always acted, be friendly for the customers, put on a happy face. And after that, people told me, "There are other fish in the sea." Which is kind of a way to make the hole in one's heart even bigger, if said at the wrong time. And for the first 8 months, it was the wrong time. So, for those people, thank you for caring about me. But it hurt. Now, I'm almost done healing, and it doesn't hurt so much. Yesterday, I went to Italiano Carnevale with Andrew and James, and we sat on the back of the rescue truck and watched fireworks, and walked around watching people on rides, and smelling cotton candy and funnel cakes. It was so much fun, having friends like them, and ignoring my homework, just doing summer-things together... and the side-effect was a great relief: not thinking about the past. Last night, in the dark, hugging my pillow, it was hard not to think of the past. But it wasn't so bad, having so many new reminders that life moves on, and things heal. There have been so many people and events in the past few months that have moved me closer to healing than I was able to move before that. So... that's what's happening right now. In case anyone was waiting (im)patiently for my updates...

My birthday today

So... I turned 21 today. Happy 21st birthday to Sam as well. I've actually postponed our birthday, so we can celebrate it together. So yeah, Sam and I need to figure out stuff and make decisions about what we're gonna do.

Anyway, I woke up this morning to a really strange dream. So of course that warranted going back to sleep and staying that way until noon when Anissa called to wish me a happy birthday. I then watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which sort of had the opposite effect on me than The Notebook had. I was also surprised at Jim Carrey's performance. Its good to see him breaking out of the mold that Hollywood had put him in.

After that I had some alone time, reminiscing, reading journal entries about my past birthdays. It was extremely tempting to get depressed, especially knowing I can now theoretically drown it, legally. But I didn't. I don't think that I will. Things would have to get much worse. Earth would have to be invaded by aliens. Anyway, the birthday wishes came today from all over... Germany, Cape Cod, Edison. But the wish I wish I'd gotten never came. I doubt this date was forgotten, perhaps just not important anymore. And I guess thats for the best.

Then I went to Marita's Cantina with Andrew, James, Anissa, Brittany, Rod, and Cara. It was awesome, and Brittany brought a smiley-face ice cream cake for us to share, and gave me a couple of things, one being bubblewrap. Anissa gave me an awesome gift, because it was music, and I always ask for music but people never believed that was what I really wanted until last Christmas when I got bombarded with it. And Andrew gave me a couple of little things, one of them also being bubblewrap. Either great minds think alike, or I'm incredibly amused by simple things. I'm inclined to think its the latter. Not because they aren't great minds, but more because they totally don't think alike. Andrew put his computer genius skills to use and created a website link where I have to enter a secret code and something might happen. Its like a sort of treasure hunt, and it makes me think the gift I have for Andrew's birthday is lame in comparison and I have to think of something else interesting.

Anyway, I had an incredibly awesome birthday, and I'm so grateful I have friends to celebrate it with. Thanks, guys.

call me oscar

I didn't get enough sleep last night. Totally my fault. I got up and went to study with some friends in the library for a test today. Not my idea of fun. I did well on the test and then beat myself up over the answers I got wrong. I came back to rotten food in the fridge, none of it mine because I am in the habit of eating my food before it goes bad. I called the Flower Station to see if I got the job, and was ridiculously inarticulate, but now I'm waiting for their call. I can't set up the voicemail on the phone because of some sort of system error and I can't call the customer service people because I'm not the account holder. So I said screw this I'm taking a nap. And then Brittany called because she's lost in Edison like, 14 miles in the wrong direction. And she walked there. And she doesn't have the energy to walk back. And mapquest doesn't recognize the road she thinks she's on. I would go back to sleep but I'm waiting for a call I might not get for a job that I don't really care about at this point. I'll care tomorrow. But right now I just think I'm going to sit in my grumpiness and be grumpy and avoid thinking about things right now because my mood would bias any sort of decision I came to. So... yeah. Sorry to dump all that on everyone. But that's my day for today.

independence delayed

So... July Fourth came and went. I'm only beginning now to think about the meaning of it, especially since I remembered that I watched "National Treasure" recently. Implausible movie, Indiana Jones style, but still, something was said that I found important. "A toast? To high treason. That's what these men were committing when they signed the Declaration." That's what the whole thing was about. I never thought about it before, but someone had to have the idea: "Hey, I'm sick of this King stuff." Someone grew up hearing stories from the classics, Athens, Sparta, Rome. They heard about how people could make their own choices and govern themselves. And they said, we should do that. We should try a form of government that hasn't been used in 1700 years. And we should risk our lives to do it.

Do you realize how crazy, insane that sounds? And yet, delegates from each of the 13 colonies signed it, and were willing to risk everything for it. It makes one wonder. Could anything that revolutionary possibly take place today? I think people would have to change drastically in order for them to be able to try to do something so drastic, interrupting their daily lives like that. Anyway... that's just tonight's roaming thought. Partly brought on by my trip to DC, partly from National Treasure, and partly from an email I recieved containing the full text of the Declaration of Independence.

Off to bed for me. Night!

shouldn't be on here

So, in theater history, I have a quiz tomorrow, on a play I haven't finished reading yet. So I really shouldn't be on here. But my brain is tired and my ankle hurts, so I'm taking a break I shouldn't be taking, to update here.

I went to Washington DC for the weekend. I had an extraordinary time. If it hadn't happened exactly the way it did, I don't think I would have had as good a time. And I got to eat at an Indian restaurant, which was good, even though I could hear Anissa's voice in my head: "Ahh, my mom could do it better, and make it cheaper..." So that was DC. And I enjoyed the company. I couldn't have asked for better, though I'm not going to let James forget that he could've come too. And should've.

It's the fourth of July, I got to see fireworks and hear Lee Greenwood on the radio, at the same time. So that was an excellent fourth of July. My housemate has a friend over, and she's a little tipsy. Not too much right now to report in terms of new developments.

Except there's something that's been on my mind lately. A couple of people have thought that a friend and I are more than friends, and I am inclined to think that it is only because this friend happens to be of the opposite gender. Its made me think... perhaps in this society, some unspoken law was written that girls and guys can't be good friends. If so, I kind of wish someone told me about this law before. That's not to imply I wouldn't still be friends with him. But sometimes its nice to know beforehand what you are getting yourself into. Now, I'm not quite sure how to reconcile the "discord" if that's what you can call it. Its not exactly discord. But it feels like that sometimes, because in one sense, I care about what my friends think of me. But at the same time, its not going to rule my life.

Anyway, I'm starting to zone out. Which means I'm starting to let my mind wander, which means I'm going to venture into uncharted territory while extremely tired, which is not a safe thing to do. I might get hurt in there. So, I'd better go back to reading. Goodnight.

yaay

First of all, I have to express my admiration for 12 grain bread.

Second of all, I have to announce and express my deep pleasure at having a working soundcard thanks to Andrew, who bought one that he didn't need, which rendered his old one also unneeded. Yaay for consumerism!

And lastly, read this:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8321110/?GT1=6657

I'm not sure I want to know how much it cost for Snapple to fail. But, to think, it was made only 15 minutes down Rt. 1. How close we are to history in the making. 200 years ago, people could've said that about the making of the Constitution. Now I'm saying that about a giant melted popsicle. Again... yaay for consumerism! Only this time my yaay was sarcastic. At least before it was genuine.

Am I being too cynical? I think its cause I'm short on sleep. I think I'll go take a nap. After a giant bowl of ice cream that was on sale. Yaay for... ok. Bye.

confession

Ok... so a really bad thing happened today. My teacher was talking about Corneille (a French playwright in the Renaissance) and about how he was offended when the French Academy didn't like his play, so he stopped writing for three years. Discussion turned to honor, and how anybody back then was willing to fight each other or die for the sake of honor, and about how there was less of that in the United States, even back then. "However," Letwin continued, "There was one famous duel in the States, can anyone tell me who was involved?"

Ok so the bad thing that happened was this... testament either to my lack of knowledge of US history, or to the fact that I'm obsessed with the 19th century western American frontier history... the first thing that popped into my head was the gunfight at the OK Corral between the Earp brothers, Doc Holliday, and the Clantons and McLaurys. Thank goodness I kept my cowgirl mouth shut. The real answer is the duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr that happened 77 years before that...

At any rate, I felt compelled to share that with whoever cares... and if blogger would let me insert aim smiley faces, I would at this point insert :-[ that one. Try it in aim, you'll see the rosey cheeks...

Random bits of nothing

Ivan suggested I do this every once in a while... so here it is. The theory on why global-warming is nothing more than a scare:

There are places on earth where exposing bare skin to the open air for even a fraction of a second will lead to frostbite. However, even in the hottest locations on earth, excluding volcanoes, there is no place where exposing bare skin to open air will lead to an instant burn, sunburn, heatstroke, etc. Therefore, the cold temperatures are more extreme than the hot temperatures, assuming that extreme can be defined in an egocentric way and that the limitations of the human body define "extreme." If the cold temperatures are more extreme then they affect the overall temperature of the earth by absorbing the heat. Therefore, the earth is not as hot as it could be. And global warming is not yet a threat. Because the earth is relatively cold. And I'm cold a lot, especially in the winter. And its all about me. Egocentric.

Having proven that the earth is cold, one can deduce that camels are physically incapable of eating strawberry poptarts. Shall I continue? Ok, so the earth is cold. Therefore its not hot. Therefore there is not enough natural heat to toast a poptart, since of course camels cannot use a toaster because they do not have fingers. And of course, you can't eat a poptart without toasting it. That would be ludicrous. So camels can't eat them. Test my theory. Have you ever seen a camel eat a toasted poptart?

Ok right... so this is totally just sad. I am avoiding reading Tartuffe, by Moliere, for Theater History. I have to go find other senseless things to do. Because I'm just not going to make it as a scientist.

...

So, I ended up going to the wake... It was odd. We got there before a lot of people arrived, so when we walked in, T almost couldn't believe we were there. It felt strange... because we're growing up. He lives in California now, teaching snowboarding. My mom talked about having a reunion some time with all the people from my class, but they'd all have to travel really far to get there. The answer to that would probably be to meet somewhere where everyone actually wants to go, like Cancun. In which case, snowboard instructors and theater majors like me wouldn't be able to go. Which would defeat the whole purpose of a reunion, if no one shows up.

Anyway, it was cool how the teachers from school were there to support him. The gym teacher, the third grade teacher, the eighth grade teacher, and the principal were there. It was cool to see how they are still involved. It must be neat to be a teacher... seeing your students grow up, knowing you have made some kind of influence in their lives.

So, that's what I did today... Yet another blast from the past. This whole weekend has been full of them.

news from home

So... I'm home for the weekend. Have you ever had one of those experiences where you come home and feel like you are being bombarded with news of things that happen while you are away? Like maybe you shouldn't have left because the stuff wouldn't pile up like that and ambush you all at once?

So anyway, here's what happened. I went to a small elementary school for 6 years. I was pretty close with all of my classmates, though now that I'm out I realize it wasn't as close as I once thought. Anyway, today I found out that T's mother died, and I feel awkward because I don't know if I should go to the funeral or wake. I spoke with another of my former classmates, who said he wasn't going. On the other hand, I did go to E's dad's funeral just after September 11. I'm having trouble deciding how loyal of a friend I'm supposed to be, after seeing someone no more than 3 times since the 8th grade.

The next bit of news is that my elementary school gym teacher was at a graduation party that I attended today. So my past is bombarding me. Her twins that I last saw when they were in diapers are now about 6 or 7 years old, and she has another daughter that I didn't know existed, who's 3. It was good to see her again. She was one of my favorite teachers. I remember once, the girls' gym class was missing almost all of the girls for some reason, and so the three remaining girls and the teacher just sat on the gym floor and played "Mandible" (ie, flap your jaw while you have girl talk). I remember she told us about how her husband proposed and we all thought it was "sooooo romantic!"

Final bit of news, also involving someone I met through my elementary school, only he also went to my church so we kept in touch and I think of him as one of my big brothers, additionally, he's engaged to my cousin. Anyway, he's been in Iraq for quite a while now (serving there for the second time) and I found out today, he is finally home, the last of my three "big brothers" who went to Iraq. So now I don't have to spend more time awake, praying and thinking about any of them, at least until the US gets involved in some other entanglement.

One more thing to say that really isn't breaking news, its just what's on my mind. I saw someone at the graduation party, and we just talked, catching up on stuff. It was the most natural thing in the world to talk, and yet felt so strange anyway. Because, in the back of my mind was the question, does he think about me the way I think about him? Does he feel like he is over it? Does he realize the distance I am beginning to put between us? How would he react if I started dating again? And yet, despite all that stuff in my head, I realized I care about him in a different way now. I will stick up for him, I will defend him with my life, if need be, the way I would with all of my friends. There's not a whole lot that sets him apart from my other friends in my mind. I still don't understand why the pain had to happen, and in some ways, the pain is still there. But its irreversible, and I think for a long time I had been hoping that the pain was only temporary. That somehow, I could go back in time. I can't. The only thing left to do is heal the pain, not pretend it had never happened. I am grateful that I can count him in my list of friends. Just friends.

God

So, I haven't been writing anything about God lately. Mostly that's because God and I are having issues... and I don't know how to lean on Him like I should. Also, I can't talk about a lot of things here, I've been writing more often and finding that the things I want to say, I can't say, because certain people read it here. But this I can say...

Yesterday, my theater history teacher was talking about the Protestant Reformation and the religious wars that resulted from it. He said, "Who here considers themselves religious or spiritual in any way?" I think I was one of the only people who raised a hand. He asked what religion, I said Protestant, he said, "If someone came up to you and told you to convert to Catholocism or be burned at the stake, what would you do?" I thought, "As if my life doesn't have enough hard choices..." But the more I thought about it, the more disturbing my answer seemed. "I would probably convert outwardly, but still have my own personal beliefs inside." It might show how much my faith means to me to say I'd choose the stake, but really, it would not have been the truth. The reason that disturbed me is it seems cowardly and unzealous. I've mentioned this before... why do Muslims take their faith seriously enough to blow themselves up for their cause? I don't see very many Protestants with that level of commitment. I suppose part of the reason for my answer is that Catholics and Protestants worship the same God. If the question had been different and completely antithetical to my beliefs, such as, "Convert to Satanism or be burned at the stake," I'd choose the stake. But its somehow disturbing to me that Catholics and Protestants have in the past been so violent towards each other, when really, they only disagree on a few points that don't have much to do with actually worshipping God.

Anyway, enough of that. Yesterday, Anissa, Andrew, Brittany, and I went to get in touch with our childhoods. We went to see a 3-D movie called The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl. It was kind of fun to think like a child again. And yet, it was sort of a laugh-at-the-humor-not-with-it kind of movie. I thought Shakespeare used a lot of puns. But this totally topped him. Still, I got a cool pair of glasses out of it.

After that we went back to my apartment to make tortellini, corn, and garlic bread. By some freak of nature, all the food finished cooking at once, so nothing was sitting on the back burner getting cold. I guess that's not really possible since anywhere on the stove is pretty warm when its in use, but... you get the idea.

After that I did some heavy thinking that got me nowhere. In the bad puns of the above-mentioned movie, I wrecked my train of thought when I burned the bridge over the stream of consciousness. Yeah that was really bad humor. I'll have to change the subject.

I went to bed and had some insane dreams. I wonder if Andrew snuck anything into the tortellini? Among other crazy insane elements of my dreams, I was pregnant and in labor, and when I had the baby, I named it Asherah, someone took it away and I didn't care (some mother I'll be someday) and a little toddler needed his diaper changed and didn't have a mother, so I grudgingly changed it, figuring that I'd need the practice, since I'd have to change Asherah a lot when who-ever-it-was gave me my baby back. And in another part of the dream, Anissa was there, speaking in German, but I could understand her because for some reason in my dreams I've always been able to understand foreign languages. And now I'm awake, and class was cancelled today because my teacher is really sick. So I'm going to go use this time to catch up on my homework. Bye!

taking a break

So... I've been taking a break from my homework all weekend with various things. Particularly a carnival, shopping, a party, and my jujitsu notebook, all of which I may comment on here.

The carnival was Andrew's brainstorm. He seems to have a lot of good ones. Andrew, James, Brittany and I went and had a good time... I did anyway, I won't speak for everyone. We did the hangliding ride, which reawakened my desire to go hangliding for real, though I hear its really expensive. Maybe if I win the lottery or something. That'll be hard since I don't buy lottery tickets. We also stood around debating the best deal on tickets, and whether or not there really was a woman with the body of a snake. We did a really spinny ride, and got good and dizzy, and I overall enjoyed myself.

Shopping was relatively non-eventful. We got a couch for the apartment. Just in time, because the housewarming party was that night. Which was also really fun, but towards the end, with the late night... something started playing with my emotions. Perhaps I just started thinking too much... and surprisingly, it was not about the past. The party was actually better than I expected, and easy on me, since I didn't have a huge hand in the planning.

Today I cleaned the apartment, since it was tidy after the party, but not really clean. Then I worked on my jujitsu notebook, because you know, that's infinitely more important than the history of Rennaissance theater. For those of you who don't know, a jujitsu notebook is a notebook where I write every new technique I learn. No one can advance to the next level in jujitsu without a notebook. I've been falling behind in copying my scribbled notes into the computer, so I did that for hours. And now I need a break from that, so I decided to write a blog entry. I may just have to start reading theater history eventually though... I'm running out of things to do.

Cyrus stopped by today. I'm sure he doesn't want me to make a big deal about his leaving, but I will anyway. He mentioned as he was headed out the door that I might not see him again before he leaves. I don't think it really sank in until that moment. I'm sure that moment was worse for other people, not 'cause I don't care about Cyrus, but because there are a lot of other people who know him better than I do. But it still leaves me kind of sad and makes me wish the earth were smaller so places would be closer together. It also makes me think of other people who are now really far away. Oregon, Michigan, Arizona, Texas, South Korea, England, Austria, Canada, Tennessee, Georgia, California, Iraq... Heaven... I kind of wish they were closer to my backyard. But anyway... I guess that's what the internet is for. Well... except Heaven. But what I meant was the internet can bring Taiwan to my bedroom. Or where ever my computer happens to be. At the moment its my bedroom.

Anyway, that's a little bit of my rambling thoughts. The rest I have to keep to myself. Can't tell you all everything in my blog. What would I have to talk about when we're together in person?

clarification

So... my last post probably didn't make any sense to you. Me either.

I had this dream. There was a bad monster who had taken over the body of a good guy. I was with a group of people and we had to kill him to, I don't know, save humanity or something like that. Somehow, I can't remember how, we did something to defeat him. As he was dying, his body began to change between what the monster looked like and what the good guy (human) looked like. He was also slowly becoming monochromatic, and his limbs were contracting until he became a small black and white ball. The last thing to be absorbed into the ball was his head, so that he could still talk to us. As he was dying, he wanted us to find a guy from Boston, and he gave us a name or initials or something. When he died, we realized he had a human son, and also that he wasn't permanently dead.

So we had to find the guy from Boston to find out how to make the monster permanently dead. We did CIA-style research and found a woman who was a school teacher and during the summer takes part in a Salem Witch Dance on the beach somewhere. The guy from Boston was a friend of hers and played a "tire-guitar" in a New Age band, that had once played music for this witch festival thing. They both knew the guy who had become the monster because it was at the festival that the change had taken place, and I think that they may have been responsible for it.

The woman tried to make the monster permanently dead by conjuring up her image and an image of the man. She was trying to use her conjured image to manipulate the past so that the man had never existed. There was an old dead tree, the sky was dark, and her image was lit with purple and blue lights and there was fog and wind... typical horror flick. I had to stop her because changing the past would mess up the present and the future. If the man never existed, then he never would have been able to have the son, and he was a perfectly innocent little boy who deserved to live, and was there with us, begging them not to do it. So I had to stop her. I, and the people I was with, had some sort of other power, and I had to put myself between her and the conjured images, and put my left hand on her eyes and my right hand on her neck.

Then somehow, she and the guy from Boston realized that it was not good to change the past, and so they were looking for ways to keep this monster dead. They turned to me because they had been trying for years to kill this thing and hadn't succeeded where I had (with my group). They brought me everything they could think of that might help, mostly charms and things the man had once touched because there was some sort of power in them. Or something. It made sense to the woman and the man, but to me, they were just objects. I picked up a grey mallet of some sort and suddenly all of the items began to vibrate. The woman screamed that the monster was coming back to life. I think that's where I woke up.

So, that's the dream I was talking about before. I think its about a lot of different things. But if you take it just as a story, pretend its not a dream, pretend its a bit of folklore or something, there's a moral involved. Don't try to change the past, don't regret the past. Its over, there's nothing you can do about it, you just have to focus on what's in front of you and what the future holds. And in my earlier mumbojumbo about the road of life, I was starting to look at what might be ahead of me and I was starting to get afraid of it, but now I know that its the only thing I really have any business looking at. I read something from a book once that "only a fool walks into the future backwards." And it makes sense. You can walk into obstacles if you are not watching where you are going.

Which makes me wonder... did I walk into an obstacle and not realize it? Or am I supposed to be here, where I am right now?

hypothetical question

Suppose I'm on the road of life and I've reached path A. Suppose also that from where I'm standing, it looks like mile marker B is near, but I can't tell because my eyesight isn't perfect. It would be an enjoyable trip to reach mile marker B, but once I've reached it, there's a good chance that there will be pain involved for 2 people who will remain unnamed and uninitialed. Logical common sense would be not to reach mile marker B. But stopping on path A, or turning off path A or turning around and running in the opposite direction would also mean pain involved for 2 people who will remain unnamed and uninitialed. So, in this supposition, who is more important, and which pain is more devastating? And where do I stop for gas? And will the person pumping the gas be mexican, chinese, or indian?

And I just had a freaky dream this morning. I wrote the above last night, and I now realize the dream might be about that. The dream was about a monster that was both good and bad, and I wished it never existed, but then I realized that if it never existed, the young and innocent son also would not exist because changing the past affects the present and the future. And the young son has a right to live and exist, so the bad guy also must exist. And now I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm late for class. I'll have to analyze my life later on. Look for a post.

kazushi kidnapping

So... Friday I was informed that I should pack because I'm getting kidnapped for the weekend. I had no idea what Andrew had in mind, but since usually no one does, that didn't bother me much. I trust him... if you held me at gunpoint and told me to guess what we were doing, I'd probably come up with something involving Sam at the shore, since it is almost summer. But that's not what happened. I've given up on trying to predict things if Andrew is in any way involved.

We went to Camden, to the Tweeter Center, to a big, all-day country music festival. It was awesome, though at times I felt a little lost because, while I love country music, I haven't been exposed to it much, or should I say, I haven't exposed myself to it much. But I still had a really good time and enjoyed the music.

The other part of the kidnapping was that the 6 of us went to dinner in Philadelphia and had dinner at an Irish pub that serves Mexican and Cajun food. I haven't had Mexican food in so long, so it was tempting, but I figured if its an Irish pub, they probably do best with their own culture's food, so I got fish and chips. It was a really good choice. Anyway, then we spent the night at Andrew's friend's apartment, trying to ignore her cat Ollie. Ollie has this problem where its absolutely horrifying to him to think that humans actually sleep at night. He spent 10 minutes keeping me awake and then would move onto the next person, and visit each of us in succession, until we gave up trying to sleep.

Anyway, it was a fun weekend. Andrew kept me on my toes the whole time because everything was on a need-to-know basis. I'm usually not good with spontaneous, not figuring stuff out before hand kinds of events, but I managed it ok and I'm still alive and I did enjoy myself a lot. I think the mystery of it was a big reason. Mystery is fun if you're not totally stumped. Anyway, I had a good time.

It was good not to think about other stuff this weekend. I've had a lot on my mind lately, and actually, when I came back, I sat down and wrote a 12-page journal entry which helped me clear my head even more. Maybe I'll tell you all about it sometime. Maybe not. We'll see. Anyway, I gotta go back to my apartment. I still don't have internet, so you might not see a new post for a while, since it involves a trek to the library, only at certain hours, etc. Anyway, ciao a tutti!

trying to make this short

Ok so I'm trying to make this short, since I'm getting up early tomorrow, and I'm staying with Anissa, and I'm on her computer. This weekend was amazing. Thanks to Cyrus, Anissa, and Andrew who came over and helped me avoid packing. We made pizza and sundaes and did all sorts of cool stuff. Then on the last night of the Power Team, I went for the 4th time and watched them do their stuff. It was different from the other nights (as they promised), but it was alike enough that I was able to let my mind wander.

I realized that the one guy on the Power Team, Matt, is 23. That's a little over two years older than I. That means, here's a guy who is in full time ministry, doing something he feels God has called him to do, and touching people's lives in ways I could only dream of doing. It makes me kind of feel like a slacker. I mean, I know, I'm making a difference at college, and I know I would wherever I go, but I still feel like I should be stepping towards that one thing God must have created me for, that ultimate purpose. I just don't know what it is yet. Its making me a little impatient. Patience isn't really a strong point for me.

But I gotta cut this short. Today at jujitsu, we did trust falls. Last time I did them, I got dropped in the mud. No effort whatsoever on my catchers' parts. Just drop. So it was definitely a stretch for me. But it was such an amazing feeling to just completely let go. We did more than just your average trust fall. We did lean-off-a-balcony-and-let-go kinds of falls. And I discovered why Cyrus said something along these lines once: "Sometimes with jujitsu, I have to just let go of the thought that I'm gonna die, and do what needs to be done." Cyrus, if you read this, I probably horribly misquoted you. Sorry. But anyway, I discovered why he said that tonight. You totally can't do jujitsu trust if you are thinking about the fear or the height or the people. You have to let go.

And that's going to lead me down memory lane. I've had an object lesson similar to that presented to me in the past, about jumping off cliffs. Tonight... there's not so much regret anymore. I'm glad I jumped then. And I'm glad I let go tonight. Like I've said before, what happens physically often happens spiritually as well. For me anyway. I think for a lot of other people too, but not very many people notice it. Anyhow... bottom line tonight, I'm glad we worked on jujitsu trust. It felt closer somehow.

And now, I'm tired. I should go to bed. Goodnight.

powerteam

K... this morning I got up at the buttcrack of dawn because my mom signed me up with a driving school... I guess cause it lowers insurance or something. So sleep or the lack thereof was a big influencer in my mood. And the rain... weather always influences my mood too. And I'm pms-y. Sorry I know I have guys who read this too... but at the moment I don't care. And I spent the day "substitute" tutoring Krystal because my mom was exhausted and fell asleep, and Krystal needed to learn her division. So by 5:30, I was about ready to push everyone out of the house into the rain, starting with Krystal, lock the doors, and listen to Michael Buble sing Moondance on repeat for hours.

Instead, I got in the car with my mom and Krystal and my brother and we went to church to help set up for the Power Team. Or rather... my brother was helping, my mom was doing ushering, and I was trying to keep up with Krystal (what was that conversation we had the other day about quantum leaps? something about electrons that are so energized they go from point A to point B without ever being anywhere in between... yeah Krystal did that a couple of times today).

Finally, the Power Team started their thing. I sat in the second to last row to watch. The first thing they did involved pyrotechnics... and as I predicted, our stage is not made for that, probably not the foundation either, because I could feel the tremor when they dropped the tree trunk (2nd to last row). I was a little aggravated... I consider it my stage, since I'm the only one who remembers performing on it in a full-length show. Also as predicted, the curtains caught fire. Not big, just sort of smoldering... I didn't even see it, my brother told me because he was backstage. His job was removing cinderblocks and broken bricks. Anyway... the breaking, bending, folding, ripping, popping, and blowing up was pretty cool... and they said each show will have different stunts, using a car analogy, tonight was first gear. Tomorrow is second, etc... not that they will do the stunts faster... just, cooler. These guys did dangerous things that very few other people could do. And one of them holds five world records and used to wrestle with WWF. I think tonight I heard "don't try this at home" more times than I have ever heard in my life. And they're huge. I mean, we've got some fairly big guys in jujitsu. I'm 5'8" and the 4 jujitsu guys in this picture are all taller than I am, and are pretty well built:



Next to the Power Team, Scott (above, next to Erica) is a dwarf. Its a little freaky actually. Jujitsu is all about gentleness. You can be unconscious before you are even aware that your opponent is about to kill you. These guys are not gentle. If they wanted to kill you, be sure they can't get their bare hands on your skull to crush it.

So... I'm typing all this stuff to make it sound cool... but you've probably noticed its a little dry and I'm not gushing over them. This is because there is no feat of strength or power or might that will impress a pms-y woman. And that's that. There are still 4 more shows of the Power Team. You all still have a chance to see them. I guarantee that unless you are pms-y, you will have a great time.

...

BOO!

Did I scare ya?