Travels

I haven't written much in a while.  Between Anissa's wedding, a vacation in Cape Cod, house sitting in two houses, entertaining an out of state guest, visiting my grandparents, tending my garden, an earthquake, and a hurricane, I've really not had time for much of my "extra-curricular" stuff like blogging.

But I have had a lot of time opportunity to reflect on things in my life and heart.  I have known for a while that my current city is not the right place for me to live.  It is a wonderful town and has been a great place for me to grow up, but beyond that there is no future for me here.  I have been pondering what kind of place I could move to, and what kind of adventure it would be, but have not taken great steps in leaving just yet.  I thought I would share a few ideas.

Last year, I thought about the possibility of moving closer to my grandparents (which would include most of my mom's side of the family).  They are all in Michigan.  But last summer, I went out to visit -don't get me wrong, I had a great time- and returned home feeling that it was not a place I could ever live permanently.

I have had invitations from people offering to open their homes long enough for me to find a job and a place to live in their areas.  This includes San Francisco, Atlanta, Las Vegas, and Maryland.  I had even briefly considered moving closer to my grandparents via their winter location of coastal Alabama.  I have visited San Francisco, and enjoyed the weather, the people, and the youthful, athletic atmosphere.  However, I am pretty certain that a state like California is not for me.  Atlanta and Alabama I have never visited, so I can't rule them out completely, but they don't grip my imagination the way other places do.  They do not seem like adventuresome places to live.  Las Vegas has a lot of cons.  I've never been there, but I've been to its retarded little cousin, Reno.  (Yes, I used the "r" word.  It would be an insult to handicapped and disabled people if I were to use the politically correct term to describe Reno.)  Here's what's wrong with Las Vegas.  1) I dislike large cities.  2) I live in a humid coastal state and am always dehydrated because I forget to drink.  If I moved to the arid steppes of Nevada, I'd probably have headaches constantly from the dehydration.  If I died there, the embalmers would probably give a steep discount because half their job would already be done.  3) I do not want to be surrounded by people who have lost their children's inheritance in a casino.  It seems like a depressing place to live.  Lastly, Maryland.  Like I said, I dislike large cities, but a proximity to both Washington DC and Baltimore would be a plus for me.  I have been to both cities and would love to live near them (not in them).  I cannot rule Maryland out.

Finally, I vacationed in Cape Cod this year, and while walking along the pier with my family, wind whipping the salt through my hair, making the rigging of the fishing boats whistle and clang, and thinking about the rich colonial history surrounding the eastern seaboard, I had a sudden realization strike me.  You know how you just "know" things, in a way that makes you wonder whether the thought came from you or some ethereal "something" from beyond?  Maybe not, but that is how I get sometimes; perhaps it is just me being weird and/or dramatic.  This thought came to me, "Meg, you are a coastal girl through and through."  I knew what that meant without a need for an explanation.  I grew up in the rural mountains of NJ not 20 minutes from real farm country, true.  But even there, the ocean breeze permeates things and that air has got me.  I'm in love with it.  I can never go very far from it.

So on to the last thought.  My parents plan to retire in Virginia.  Although I don't want to live too close to them (in the same town in Virginia), I could feasibly see myself living somewhere else in the state.  After all, it is a big state, with coastal areas, mountains, farmland.  Not unlike NJ.  And a state that has a catch phrase like "Virginia is for lovers" is not a bad place to be.

So what have I been getting at all this time?  I am not sure.  It basically boils down to, "Maybe I'll stay in NJ, maybe I'll go to Maryland or Virginia, or maybe I'll go somewhere random, like Portugal."

But what triggered this?  There are two places I want to live which I have not mentioned, because I believe that they are greater in my head than they are in real life.  In my mind, there is some sort of romantic mysticism about them, probably some silly whim I got from a novel somewhere.  But I am afraid to visit them "to see" because I know that they are better in my imagination, and I do not want my bubble burst.  Oh to be able to create reality from my imagination.  But, I am not God, so I live in fear of seeing the place on earth that I really want to live, fear that it is not what i imagine it to be.

I suppose the omnipotence of imagination is why some people write books.

Morning Visitors

It has been a while since I've posted.  In the past month, I've house-sat for multiple homes, gone on a trip to Cape Cod, worked massage jobs, been a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding, and tended my garden.  Today, I woke up in a beautiful mansion, fed the 7 cats, sat down to a breakfast of tea and biscotti, and then answered the door to Matthias and Hezekiah or something like that.  Jehovah's Witnesses.

I have to say, this is the first time in my life I have actually talked to a Jehovah's Witness (not counting the one in Italy who thought I would still benefit from hearing his speech even though I hadn't yet gotten past a 4th grade understanding of the language).  Not that I have turned them away at the door, its just that my street is too dangerous to have witnesses walking around on it.  They've never come to our house.  Mom says it is because God keeps them away, but I like to think they are human too, and just don't want to die in a pedestrian-car accident.

Interestingly enough, Hezekiah didn't say anything I disagreed with.  I didn't fully understand the connection between the two topics he discussed but he opened with an explanation that evolution is being taught in schools (duh) and that creation is also being taught in schools (duh) and that it is a controversy (duh duh).  Do I have any opinion on that?  I replied no, I don't.  I didn't share the idea that I can accept- that the creation account in the Bible describes the big bang theory and the theory of evolution precisely as they would have happened and that neither account excludes the other from happening.

I didn't share those thoughts because in actuality, I don't care how we got here.  Arguing about the creation-evolution debate is like finding yourself at Six Flags, and instead of riding the rides, you stand around arguing with people about whether you came by car or by bus.  Six Flags was created so that you can ride rides; by standing around arguing, you are negating the entire purpose of the amusement park's existence, as well as your own purpose in being there.  The same is true for the debates about the end of the world.  In my opinion, it doesn't matter HOW we go, what matters is that someday we will leave the amusement park, and it would be a total waste to stand around and argue about how or when that time will be.  Why not just forget the argument and do what you came for?

But anyway, Hezekiah then jumped into an explanation that the kingdom of God is coming, and though I'm not sure quite what that has to do with evolution, I couldn't disagree.  The kingdom of God is coming, though no one knows the day or hour.  I suppose in some ways, though there are points in their belief system with which I disagree, I should definitely give them kudos for making the most of their time here.  There is no other church or religious creed that proselytizes to the extent that the Jehovah's Witnesses do.  At any rate, they were quite polite and well spoken, though I felt a little self-conscious standing at the front door of a mansion with neighbors I don't know, wearing my pjs with no bra on underneath, and Matthias a good-looking guy roughly my age.

On another note, for someone of a Protestant background, is it within my duty to try to convert them as they are trying to convert me?  If so, I failed at that part.  However, I accepted their polite behavior and returned it in kind, and hopefully we each represented our belief systems well to the other.

The new V-Day-esque photo.

Although this was put on the website Winning at Every- thing.com, there is actually a story behind this, which many people have already heard.  But I like it, and feel compelled to repeat it here.  The couple in the photo did not intend to be in the middle of a riot.  But for various reasons, they were and when things started heating up, all they wanted was to go somewhere safe.  But the girl was knocked down when the riot police began sweeping through the crowds.  The guy followed her to the ground, and as the line of police moved away from her, he tried to comfort her.  It was a scary moment, and she was dazed, so he acted on impulse and kissed her, suddenly making worldwide headlines.

Ok, yeah, it is a little startling at first, seeing the girl's butt-side-cleavage.  But come on.  She just survived a riot.  Her state of undress could have been worse.  And how many boyfriends out there, seeing their girlfriends in a state of terror think, "Now would be a good time to make a move"?  But he made the move and he committed fully, and I think that is what captures people's attentions.  Here is a guy that knew what he wanted (his girlfriend to be "all better"), made a spur of the moment plan (even if it was a crappy one), and then did it without hesitation about whether it was the right plan or not (see the plan through, and if you fail, fail with confidence and with all your heart).

Guys, women don't care if you fail.  We care if you are too unsure of yourselves to even risk the failure.

Another blog about kids

As you know if you read this blog regularly, I don't care for kids.  Some are cute, a lot are just evidence of major parental failure, and/or condom failure.  There are a handful of kids whose parents totally rock at parenting, who I totally love.

But I was browsing blogs today and one of them caught my eye.  The gist of the blog was "Shut up, your kids are not THAT cute."  But there was some interesting information in the blog:

Statistics show that 90% of your kids are going to grow up to become just like everyone else - and five percent of them, will grow up to be less than everyone else. Average citizens performing average jobs, with an average income, average intelligence and average achievements. There's a one-in-two shot that they'll end up divorced, with two-point-three children, there's a one in seven chance they'll be unemployed, and there's a one in twelve chance that they'll be too poor to survive without government subsidies during most of their childbearing years.

Three percent of your kids are going to be pregnant before they're out of high school, twenty percent are going to fail miserably at managing their credit, and while twenty-two percent of your children will be able to name all five of the Simpsons, less than one tenth of a percent will be able to name the 5 freedoms given to them by the first amendment and less than one hundredth of a percent will make any significant contribution to anything worthwhile within the scope of human history.

People seem to forget that these kids grow up to be adults, and the national averages aren't exactly on the rise.

 

The statistics can sometimes be depressing, or overwhelming.  But instead of thinking, "Why bother bringing a kid into the world with all the trouble we have here?"  Why not see the statistics as a challenge?  They're right, parents naturally want their kids to be great because, after all, a kid is a genetic reflection of a parent.  But ok, so my kid might not be that great.  But I know I am great, and why shouldn't I challenge myself to be a better parent than most of the parents out there?  Assuming, of course, that I find someone I can love, who is worth the effort and scary cliff-jump that is a wedding and then work my courage up to start a family.  There are a lot of steps between here and kids, but it is comforting to know that if the oxytocin fails to make me think my kids are the best thing since the invention of fire, that at the very least, I will enjoy the challenge of beating the odds to make myself a better parent.

Well, this is awkward...

Today's sermon was about forgiveness.  I feel a sort of incongruousness (I tried to write incongruence but spell check doesn't think that is a word, which is ridiculous).  But anyway I feel weird because the tables are turned.  Most of the time you hear about people who want God to forgive them but then struggle to let go of the hard feelings in their heart when it comes to forgiving someone else.  For example, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

But I seem to be having no problems forgiving the people who have hurt me.  I am just struggling to ask God to forgive me.  Why?  I don't know.  I know I need God's grace, always, in my life.  But today I am sitting here talking to God and yet I can't seem to bring myself to partake in the communion elements sitting in front of me.

Isn't that what talking to God is about?  Communing with him?  Why can I talk with him, yet not take communion?

On a completely random side thought, isn't "awkward" an awkward word?

A letter to men everywhere.

Leopold helps walk the dog.

Dear Men:

Even if you are not in a relation- ship with a woman, you still have female friends.  If you want to be a true gentle- man, you will treat everyone with the same courtesy and respect.  Although you do not have to stand when a woman enters or leaves the room, as Hugh Jackman did playing Leopold (Kate and Leopold), you should still channel the respectful mentality presented in the movie.

Admit when you are wrong.  Notice small details about a woman, and if she is your significant other, notice sexy details.  Display altruism.  If you do good deeds, it will inspire those around you to do good deeds as well.  Share with others your five-year-goals.  You may not know how you want to get there, but affirming it out loud solidifies in their minds and yours that you want something enough to tell others what you want.  It will inspire you to chase your goals, and inspire them to cheer you on.  Put your family first.  They will appreciate the quality time you spend with them, and when they are gone, you'll have no regrets.  Don't dress like any main character in any Judd Apatow movie.  When you dress confidently, you feel confident.  When a woman is dressed sexy, she feels sexy.  When a kid is completely naked, he runs around feeling completely free.  The clothes determine how you present yourself.

If you do these things, I can't speak for all women, but I promise to notice.  I promise to pay a compliment where a compliment is due.  I promise to admire your good points and if you ask for help on your bad points, I will be there.

Thank you in advance for being a gentleman.  Chivalry is not dead, and I do want it in the world.  Any girl who doesn't want it in the world can go live somewhere else.  This is my land now.  In my land, people will be respectful and courteous to all.

Sincerely,
arwenundomiel9

Convo

Person one:  Well, I was thinking you would need a gasket for the oil pan, to keep it from leaking.
Person two:  [Technical mumbo jumbo that I wasn't listening to because on the word "gasket" my brain went elsewhere.]
Person one:  Oh that's true, I didn't think of that.
Me:  You know what I thought of?  "A tisket, a tasket, a green and yellow gasket."
Person two:  That's great.  You should go to engineering school.  You're a natural.  You'd fit right in.

Why am I here?

Lately, I've been wondering what my next goal is in life.  When I expressed this, someone played devil's advocate, because you know, that's a fun thing to do.  He said, "In a way, I think the human race wants something more, better, bigger, and their souls are unnecessarily restless.  In a way, I feel it induces unnecessary misery, higher divorce rates, etc.  I am all for betterment of one's self.  But what is also wrong with "I have arrived and am content"?  Just playing devil's advocate."

I suppose I just feel that I have arrived in many ways.  I am sort of content, but mostly I am trying to figure out, if I am past my prime, why am I still here?

So that restlessness led me to commencement speeches, where I can pretend I am a part of an audience who still has huge goals for their futures and who still would welcome some mildly cliched but mostly inspiring speeches from famous people.

Here are some of my favorites:

Dolly Parton's Commencement speech at UT:  "Do not confuse dreams with wishes.  There is a difference.  Dreams are where you visualize yourself being successful at what's important to you to accomplish.  Now dreams build convictions because you work hard to pay the price to make sure that they come true.  Wishes are hoping good things will happen to you, but there's no fire in your gut that causes you to put everything forth to overcome all the obstacles.  So, you have to dream more, and never ever ever blame somebody else if it doesn't happen."

Bill Cosby's Commencement speech at Carnegie Mellon:  "Nerd:  a prepared person who doesn't give a damn about the dance."

Ellen's Commencement speech at Tulane University:  "Thank you to all of the graduating class of 2009; I realize most of you are hung over and have splitting headaches and you haven't slept since Fat Tuesday but you can't graduate 'till I finish so listen up.  When I was asked to make the commencement speech I immediately said yes.  Then I went to look up what commencement meant... I had to break the word down myself to find out the meaning.  Commencement.  Common, and cement.  Common cement.  You commonly see cement on sidewalks, sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back.  So there's that.  But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.  I ... didn't go to college at all.  And I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity."

Meryl Streep's Commencement speech at Barnard:  "Pretending is not just play.  Pretending is imagined possibility."

Randy Pausch's Commencement speech at Carnegie Mellon:  "We don't beat the Reaper by living longer.  We beat the Reaper by living well and living fully... It is not the things we do in life that we regret on our deathbed.  It is the things we do not... Your passion must come from the things that fuel you from the inside.  Find someone [whose] happiness is more important than [your own]."

Steve Jobs had a similar speech to Randy Pausch's, except it was slightly less eloquent but basically the point was that we should ask ourselves "If today was my last day on earth, would I want to be doing what I will be doing today?"  If the answer is "no" multiple times in a row, you need to make a change.

Perhaps I need a bucket list.  Anyone want to share theirs?

A Full Life

So, you all probably know about Harold Camping's prediction that the Rapture will be tom- orrow.  Although I don't believe he is correct, I do hope and pray for the return of Christ.  Its all in God's timing, I know, but if it were in my timing, I'd go with sooner rather than later.

But that being said, if enough nutcases predict the end of the world, the chances increase that one of them may accidentally be right.  So, I started out my potentially-last-day-on-earth with style:  I went to see the Pirates of the Caribbean 4 midnight showing.  My life has been enriched for having seen it, so I truly believe I've made my time here worthwhile.

The other things that give me peace in the face of the potential end:  I have loved, lost, learned to heal.  I have "made love without a touch," in the words of a Grammy-winning country band.  I have chased a shooting star and caught it and been burned.  I have hoped and dreamed, I have made a future, lost it, gained it, lost it.  I have cried, I have laughed, I have danced, I have fought.  I have lived a complete life, and if the world ends tomorrow, I'm ready, knowing I've made the world better in some way.  However, if the world doesn't end tomorrow, awesome.  I have more time to accomplish more things.

To my family and friends, I love you, you have enriched my life.  Enrich yours in whatever time you have left by going to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

That is all.

The Flaw in my Argument

"If you find someone for whom you would walk out of any relationship with any other person, you should not be in a relationship with that other person."

The flaw in my thinking can be seen when I break this sentence down into simpler terms.  It basically says, "I can't date you because if my ex comes back to me I would leave you for him and I don't want to risk your heart like that."

Breaking that down even further, "I can't date you because if (a completely unlikely event ever happens), I would leave you for him and I don't want to risk your heart like that."

And further: "I can't date you because if a clown rides up on a purple and green polka dot rhinoceros, I would leave you for him and I don't want to risk your heart like that."

Its worth the risk of loving if the alternative is living in fear of a purple and green polka dot rhinoceros.  And yet, for some reason, Nicholas Sparks' characters actually find that stupid rhinoceros and leave their second love to go back to their first love.  I hate Hollywood.

Journal Entry

I don't know for sure if I'm going to end up publishing this.  I have experienced pain in my life before and I always found some outlet for it.  Sometimes I would quote mopey song lyrics in a cryptic way (silly me, wrote this whole entry out and only just remembered what my previous entry was), so that those who cared could try to decipher it.  But that is an easy way to be misunderstood and so I got bored with that (apparently not).  Other times I would just vent to my friends, but there's only so much you can say before you feel you are repeating yourself.  When I felt there was no where to turn, I would go to my journal; I started it in 1997 and kept it up until a few weeks ago, fourteen years and 4 months.  Granted, in the past couple of years I have written sporadically, sometimes going months without writing.  I've been too busy enjoying life.  My journal ended on a happy note, despite the pain and uncertainty I was feeling at the time, despite the pain and uncertainty that some part of me thought was in store for me in the near future.  I had chosen, that day, to see the silver lining.

Today I see the clouds, and thanks to a dream I had, I see the tornado in my storm.  But I also see a greater good coming from the tornado, even though I don't know what that greater good is yet.

But I can't help but sit here tonight and think about Nicholas Sparks.  I haven't read any of his books but I have seen some of the movies.  Either he is an idiot or Hollywood is, because real relationships don't get made into movies.  Real relationships are gritty, real relationships are boring most of the time and like soap operas 10% of the time and like war the rest of the time.  But there is one thing they highlighted that is important to take note of.  In the movie, The Notebook, the guy and girl are kept apart by a force in the plot (doesn't matter what it is, there has always been a force keeping the lovers apart ever since the ancient Greeks organized theatrical plot lines).  Time passes and they find other people.  Then they find each other again, but things are different now.  There are other commitments, someone is engaged to another person.  And what do you think happens?  The actor who plays Cyclops in X-Men gets left behind by the girl he loves because she loves someone else.  And in the movies, that is okay.  The story is not about him, so we do not see the pain he will feel.

If you find someone for whom you would walk out of any relationship with any other person, you should not be in a relationship with that other person.  But does that necessarily mean you should be with your someone either?  What if the force keeping you apart is just too great to fight?  Should you risk someone else's heart by being with them when you would walk out at any moment if the force is suddenly surmountable again?

And is it wrong sometimes to feel like a martyr?  Is it wrong to say to yourself, "my dreams for myself are not as important as the future happiness of the one I love" and then allow the pain of what you've just given up in your heart to wash over you, day after day?  And is that person, as flawed and unright for you as they are, worth the pain you are feeling?  Obviously, somewhere inside, your heart thinks that person is worth it.  But where does that thought come from?  How does your heart know so assuredly that this person is worth your pain and the years you spend waiting?

How long is too long to wait?

EDIT:  Crap, I just found a flaw in my argument.

Brooke Fraser

My current infatuation, a great song that was passed along by a fellow blogger:

In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

[CHORUS:]
I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE:]
I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

Family

So, a year ago today, I went out with my mom and dad and grand-father, to celebrate his birthday.  I showed up at my grandfather's house, wearing black slacks and a shimmery white blouse.  When he saw me he said, "Oh, pfff, you don't have to dress up, its just a birthday."  He didn't like a big fuss, but he liked to know the family was getting together, and he liked restaurants.

Today, he's not with us, but in honor of him, my aunts and uncles, parents, and I went out to eat at a place called Momentos.  It had a very enjoyable atmosphere, and reminded me quite a lot of some of the nicer places I went to in Italy.  I enjoyed talking to my family, which, if I had said that to the teenage me, or even the college-age me, I would not have believed you.  There was a time when I believed they were all insane.

But just like how in college, my mother suddenly became a wise and amazing woman in my eyes, somehow over the past 5 years, my view of my family has expanded to include the things they mean, rather than just the things they say.

It is interesting how time, experience, and memories of the past allow us to form and re-form our ideas.  It is amazing that we are all still growing, even when we are done growing physically.

I'm not exactly sure what the point of this is, except to say that I'm glad that what made my grandfather tick still beats in the hearts of the rest of his family.  I didn't get super dressed up, but I did wear a skirt, and as I was getting dressed, I did hear his voice in my head, "Aww pfff, you don't have to do that!"  Well, I want to.  It shows I care, to make a nice fuss over someone.

Happy Birthday Grandpa.

Random thoughts on internet sensations

• I never really cared much for Justin Bieber, but I give him credit for maintaining a decent voice while going through puberty.  Next to Rebecca Black, he looks like a legitimate musician.
• Rebecca Black is pretty gutsy for asking Justin Bieber on national television to do a duet with her.  However, "I have Bieber Fever, Justin if you are watching this, will you do a duet with me? That would totally make my life"  is not something he should take seriously.  In fact, that makes her just like every other 13 year old girl out there.  Justin Bieber should file a restraining order against all girls ages 8-18.
• Rebecca Black needs to fire her songwriter, management team, and her singing instructor.  Think of her like a rough-cut diamond.  Or, lets go with something softer, like a piece of glass that is supposed to be a diamond-substitute.  Whoever conceived the music video scratched the glass all up with a diamond.  Then the singing instructor took a hammer to the whole thing and shattered it.  Then the songwriter took the entire mish-mosh and put it on Sesame Street.
• What is the deal with musicians these days who sing three verses and a chorus of a pop song, then have a rap artist come in and sing the bridge, then go back to the pop sound?
• I surprised myself by really liking this video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z5-P9v3F8w&feature=relmfu

Fasting, Beer, and Mr. Right

So, this Sunday started the latest series at Liquid church.  It is about fasting.  I couldn't watch it because the internet was crappy Sunday so I found it in the archives on Monday (today).  I think one of my favorite quotes is from Pastor Tim:  "Do you wanna know what the fastest growing church in America is?  St. Arbucks, there's a temple on every corner."

The other great quote needs a little back story.  The Bible teaching came from the book of Daniel.  The Babylonian army had scattered the Hebrews and carried some off into exile to Babylon.  They were given food from the king's table- comfort food, rich delicacies.  So to illustrate, Pastor Tim brought out a shopping cart full of comfort food:  baby-back-rib-flavored potato chips, marshmallow fluff, cake, cookies, whipped cream.  Then he went back to the verse:  "Food from the king's table, and wine!  Well, we don't have wine, but oh- look at that, we do have the king of beers right here!"  He pulled from the shopping cart a 6-pack of Budweiser.  "I'm just gonna leave that on the table and let all the Baptists go crazy!"

Yes, beer in church on a Sunday morning.  Totally made my day.  Except my day was Monday, as I stated.

The message was actually more fitting for me on Monday than it would have been had I watched it Sunday.  I believe God shut off my internet so I would hear the message at the correct time for me.  Why did a day make a difference?  Well, Monday morning, I woke up, and learned something about an acquaintance that really got under my skin.  Not that this person irritated me, but that what I learned just acted as one of those little bee stings that sometimes grabs me and makes me think about my life.

And of course, when I'm thinking about my life, inevitably, I wonder what my future is like and am I ever going to be settled in the relationship department.  I have come to a startling realization.  I am not the type of girl that the type of guy I'm attracted to, would be attracted to.  I am not Mrs. Right.  I might be Mrs. Right, for someone.  But that someone is not the type of person who would be Mr. Right for me.  And that's a problem, because something has to change to correct that.  Is it easier for me to change my personality, or my attractions?

So that is what was running through my mind as I watched this sermon.  And what I got from the sermon was that we fast because our physical bodies and our spiritual lives are deeply connected.  Sacrificing physical desires jumpstarts a spiritual hunger.  Historically, those who fast experience a powerful move of God in their lives.  Esther fasted with her people in desperation and ended up stopping a holocaust.  Daniel fasted with three buddies.  Daniel received the gift of prophecy and a miraculous angelic rescue from hungry lions.  His three buddies walked with Jesus while a tyrant was attempting to martyr them- and survived.  Jesus fasted before starting the most influential ministry the earth will ever see.

So I began to wonder, "Should I fast something, as a way to push through, as a way to realign my relationship with God and realign my desires and attractions with the Mrs. Right God wants me to be?"  And if so, what would I fast?  I need fats and proteins and carbs because I'm still 4 pounds short of my woefully small weight goal.  So I can't do the same fast the church is doing (a Daniel fast- 21 days of nothing but fruits, vegetables, and water).  I can't fast caffeine or tea because I haven't been indulging in them much anyway.  Its not a sacrifice if you already don't consume it.  I haven't even been eating much chocolate lately.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized:  I only eat or drink when my body needs it, I rarely self-indulge.  I am already tithing my time to God in many ways, and have slacked off on the tv watching.  And further, I have felt closer to God in the past month and a half than I can remember being in a long time.  So it would appear that I have no need for a fast- I am already doing so without even knowing it.  If that is the case, why do I still feel that my priorities are so out of line that they will prevent me from finding a good match?

Aid for Japan

I am both proud and disgusted by my country.  The moment there is a crisis, global or here on our own soil, news agencies put little alert notices everywhere saying that if you text a certain number you can donate money to help in the relief of the crisis.  Whether the recipient is a 3rd world nation, or one of the leading, technology-driven countries of the world, does not matter.  What matters is that they are in need, and we instantly have the opportunity to use our cell phones to donate $10 to the relief fund.  How wonderful that we are so generous and caring and willing to help out instantly.

At the same time, isn't it sort of like blind sheep jumping onto the bandwagon of the latest fad, regardless of whether that country actually wants or needs our help?  Should we wait until the country has actually requested aid?  When I fall down, I don't want 15 people to come help me stand back up again.  I want to do it myself.  But, if I ask for help, I want to know and have faith that my 15 friends will come help me when I know I really can't do it myself.  I just like my independence.  And I think there are a lot of nations out there who like to know that they are not financially beholden to the United States, or any superpower.  Are we using generosity as a form of imperialism, since true imperialism is generally frowned upon these days?

I am not saying we should not be sending aid to Japan.  Japan sent us aid when we were dealing with chaos after Hurricane Katrina.  We should send them aid to help with their tragedies.  But they did not send us money because our economy was such that we could not generate the funds to rebuild.  Nor should we send aid to Japan because their economy is such that they cannot rebuild.  We should send aid to Japan as a show of our friendship and support in a time of need, as they did for us.  Haiti, on the other hand, although they need our friendship, actually did need our money, and still does need money as they continue to deal with a destructive event that happened more than a year ago, and which we forgot about roughly 11 months ago.

On an different note,  I saw a headline today in which a mother of a student in Japan wrote to the mother of a student in NJ.  Their towns are considered sister towns, and the students correspond with each other in a form of cultural exchange.  The Japanese mother said, in broken English, basically that with enough earthquakes, there won't be anything left to fall and they could endure shaking, but what scared her most was nuclear meltdown.  She hoped the United States would be able to send scientists and physicists who know how to deal with nuclear meltdown.

Now, yes, the United States was the first to develop radioactive materials as a form of energy.  But we used it for a bomb.  If you really want help with controlling a nuclear power plant, ask the French.  Many European countries run entirely on nuclear power, and many of those countries contract the construction of their energy plants to the French.  The United States has nuclear power plants, yes.  But nuclear power in the United States is so restricted that we are running on technology put in place in the 70s.  Even plans to upgrade a nuclear plant in the US are fought over as ignorant people develop stronger aversions to the same energy that powers a "nucular" bomb.  We, as a people, only understand carbon fuels.  If you had a problem with a leaking oil well, we've got tons of experience cleaning that up.  But for all your radioactive needs, check with a country that actually educates their people about the benefits of nuclear power and has years of experience in keeping it safe.

More Star Musings

A little while ago, I blogged about the constellations.  My post made the argument that the spiritual story of the world can be told through the study of the stars.  This post builds on that a bit.

I watched a video a while back called "Beasts of the Bible."  By interviewing several marine biologists and historians, they came to the conclusion that the large fish that swallowed Jonah was likely to be metaphorical since there is no fossil record indicating there could have been an animal like the one described in that place and in that time.  Such animals did exist and some still exist today but the time period and location do not fit.  So when some aspect of the Bible does not make sense, the next logical question arises:  "Is this a metaphor, and if so, what is it describing?"  They turned to the stars for the answer.  Somehow (I've forgotten how but it may have been based on records of Jonah's arrival in Ninevah) they determined that Jonah would have been in the water at the time when a large fish constellation would have been dominating the sky.  In the lore of the day, that constellation would represent darkness, reflection, and repentance for deeds.  So they concluded that that particular animal of the Bible was not a real animal but a metaphor depicting Jonah's mental state.

Now, I am not intending to represent this as truth, or that I believe God could not provide a real, physical fish to come swallow Jonah despite the fossil records.  But I admire that when one part of the Bible appears to contradict science (which is equally as important for understanding our world), the response is not to throw out scripture or science, but to keep searching until a suitable reconciliation can be found for the two.

I believe the same concept can be applied to other confusing parts of the Bible.  Lets take Revelation.  Chapter 12 mentions a sign in heaven:  a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, 12 stars on her head, about to give birth to a son who will rule with an iron scepter.  Later in Revelation the one ruling with the iron scepter is said to be Jesus, so this woman might represent symbolically Mary, or the entire people of Israel, who gave birth to Jesus, or something else entirely.  But just as things here on earth have symbolic meaning spiritually, couldn't things that happen here also be reflected in the stars?  Could something happen that would cause the constellation Virgo, Andromeda, or Cassiopeia to appear more brightly than usual, with the moon by her feet, a group of 12 stars near her head, and something unexplainable in her belly?  Perhaps a supernova or some other celestial occurrence that does not happen often?

Later, another sign appears in heaven- a dragon.  We know from later passages that this represents Satan.  But just as the symbol of the dragon represents a real entity, could the constellations represent a real event here on earth?  Could Draco appear near Virgo, waiting to "devour" the supernova in her belly?

Perhaps I've been living in my fictional world of Sendreluna for too long.  There is a part of that story in which people receive messages from the dreams they have while lying under the open stars.  Perhaps my imagination is simply too active.

Rant

If my current business doesn't pan out...

Just because I am not "employed" does not mean I do not work.  It is so hard to be an entrepreneur these days.  On surveys, there is never an option for "I started my own business."  The options are: "employed," "unemployed and not looking" (aka on disability even if your disability is laziness), "unemployed and looking," and "prefer not to say."  As capitalist as our society is, you'd think we be more accommodating to those who choose to work for themselves.

People who ask about my massage business follow up with, "You should see if any chiropractors are hiring."  Not, "Its great you have the clients you do have, I will tell all my friends about you and recommend they call you if they are looking for a massage!"  Its as if it is completely taboo to be independent from a larger establishment.

Several months after the bookstore went out of business and before I "officially" started my massage practice, my mom asked me if I needed any money.  She didn't know what to say when I said no.  I think she thinks I'm completely destitute, but I'm not.  I live simply and don't buy stuff for myself that I don't need.  In the time that I have lived with my parents after college I have never asked them for money.  At times, mom tries to pay for things for me, but I do not ask, because I do not need it.

Now, I am a little frustrated because I've discovered certain people consider me "unemployed."  I am not unemployed.  I made $500 last week alone.  Just because I have more time at home than you do is no reason for you to knock my profession.  If you are jealous that I do all my office work in my pajamas and meet clients in a uniform that feels like pajamas, that's your problem with your own lifestyle choices, not mine.  Go start your own business.

K, I'm done.

Relationships

Almost ten days of silence so I thought I should put something up here.  I'm still alive.  The massage business picked up for a bit so I've been busy with that.  It is nice to know that although I consider blogging an addiction, when real life steps in, I am able to focus on what's truly important.  I was beginning to wonder if I was wasting time on blogger, but now I see that I was merely filling time, keeping myself from sitting still and twiddling my thumbs.

I've had a few things on my mind the past few days, and a good portion of them have to do with relationships.  I'll get to them, but for the sake of flow, I'll write the non-relationship story first.

As you know, I've been on a higher-calorie diet, trying to put a few pounds on.  Although I have gained and lost and gained again and lost again, I am currently 3.5 pounds heavier than when I started in early January.  Some of weight gain may be in ab muscle, since I've been doing yoga and pilates as well.  I generally dislike the carbs that will help me gain, and I love nuts, proteins, and vegetable nutrients.  So, I've adjusted my food plan so that I am gaining some weight in fat and some in muscle, while simultaneously raising my metabolism a little so I feel warmer during the day as well.  It has helped.  Although taking a snow-bathing-suit picture was still pretty darn cold.  I still have bruises from that day too.  I've learned that I have probably been pretty malnourished for a while.  Since I began eating more calories, my fingernails grow faster, my face is clearer, I feel healthier, and I have virtually no menstrual cramps.  And here I had no idea I was starving myself.  Still... its been a struggle to gain more than 3.5 pounds and keep it on.  Its like my body doesn't want to do it.

Ok, on to the relationship stuff.  The two churches I attend with any form of regularity are both doing a relationship series.  It is interesting to compare the two.  I'm still not sure exactly what point the one church is trying to make.  I believe it has to do with "becoming a better you" so you can become Mr. or Mrs. Right for someone.  The other one has a lot to do with the ways men and women communicate or fail to communicate.  To be honest, the first church is sort of "relationship advice for guys and gals" while the second church is "relationship advice for men and women."  I feel I sort of relate to the second one a bit better, but the first one has its merits.

I recently read a friend's blog about traveling to Vermont with 23 youth group kids for a ski retreat.  Her husband is the youth pastor, and although she takes a less active role in the church than she used to, she still gets involved with the kids and attends the winter retreats.  Her photos looked like everyone, even the adults, had a lot of fun.  I remembered the days when I used to chaperone on winter retreats for my home church.  It was a lot of fun, and yes, the adults have their own camaraderie going on that the kids probably never notice.  I sort of miss that kind of thing, but would also like someone to join me in that.  In fact, I might miss church relationships in general... it might be time for me to get involved again with a church, although which one, I am not sure.

I also have been the recipient of an unexpected friendship.  I say recipient because I am a golden-retriever personality type in the Smalley Personality Test.  A golden retriever is someone who is extremely loyal, to the point of death, to a relationship she has chosen.  However, a golden retriever cannot be forced into a relationship.  They will never turn and bite because they have such good temperaments, but you cannot force them to love you.  So, I have received friendship from someone who I am reluctant to give back to.  Part of me feels bad, and the other part of me says, "I don't care, you can't make me, I won't do it."  I can be quite stubborn like that.  When I was in high school, this way of thinking would have been fine, just a part of my personality.  But now that I am older, I feel that I am being immature.  I should lay more boundaries in this friendship, but I hate conflict (another golden retriever quality) and so I avoid it.  Am I misleading this person into thinking our friendship is a great one?  Or can they read the non-verbal signs I am giving (such as the total non-interest in hanging out, complete lack of enthusiasm for the moments we do hang out, and the refusal to speak the same language)?

Going back to the church discussion of relationships, our homework last week was to write a letter of respect to one guy in our lives.  (Guys were supposed to give 45 minutes of their time to a woman by listening to her talk).  I really struggled with my homework, and actually, I didn't do it.  Although I feel respect, I don't know how to verbalize it.  I think that my way of expressing respect is to show love.  I don't know how to simply say, "I respect you for ____."

Plus since I am not currently dating anyone, its a little iffy about who the recipient of this letter should be.  Married folks were to do their homework for their spouse, and dating people presumably would do that for their significant other, especially if the relationship is struggling.  But me... I don't know.  The apostle Paul says it is better not to marry, but I feel that singlehood is just as complicated and confusing as marriage.

I am inclined to agree with the church that says men and women speak different languages, rather than the church that says, "You're single because you have baggage."  I'd like to speak from personal experience, the one time in my life when I was struggling with baggage was when I found a really great guy and he dated me despite the baggage.  I have since let go of that baggage, have none, and am now single.  So poo on you, crazy church.

(Headed there as soon as I publish this, for some unknown reason.)

Freemasons

So, I have an acquaintance who occasionally mentions his meetings at the local Mason Lodge.  Up until his Freemason-related Facebook statuses began, my only "knowledge" of the Freemasons was that they are all conspiracy theorists (thanks Dan Brown) and cannibals (thanks Bones).

Now, you're probably going to get all uppity because my "knowledge" isn't even correctly drawn.  Dan Brown's novel supposedly reveals secrets kept from society (making them the target of the conspiracy theorists and not the conspiracy theorists themselves).  But as all prejudiced thinking works, I have drawn easier connections in my mind so that through the novel, the Freemasons = a society for conspiracy theorists to come together to discuss all the things our government is hiding from us.

And about the cannibalism bit- to be fair, the TV show Bones never stated that Freemasons are cannibals.  They just made a fictional secret society that uses architectural clues and symbols to encode information and give off the aura of being the Freemasons, with one exception, and that being that they have also incorporated cannibalism.  So in my preconceived notions of Freemasonry, we've got conspiracy theorists and cannibals.

Enter my friend, who seems to be a level-headed guy not prone to conspiracy theories OR cannibalism.  His Facebook references to the Lodge triggered curiosity.  Well, if they are not eating each other, or discussing whether or not the US put people on the moon, what are they doing?  A quick Wikipedia search revealed nothing useful.

It seems that the Freemasons do not gather at their meetings in order to organize charity fundraisers, sponsor kids, or set up scholarships in any way.  They don't get involved in philanthropy or humanitarian efforts; they don't seem to benefit society in any form at all.  They also don't seem to be a "club" with common interests such as being veterans, involvement in local politics, model airplanes, or quilting.  Nor do they seem to be a white supremacy group.

Does anyone know if this group has a purpose?  And if they do not, how have they managed to be around for so long?  Do they go to their lodge so they can sit around with other men, drink beer, and shake hands?  If so, doesn't that kind of resemble a version of Calvin and Hobbes' club "G.R.O.S.S." but for grown men?  And isn't that kind of ridiculous?

Can anyone clear this up for me, because I really would not like to associate my acquaintance with cannibalism.  Thanks.