Why am I here?

Lately, I've been wondering what my next goal is in life.  When I expressed this, someone played devil's advocate, because you know, that's a fun thing to do.  He said, "In a way, I think the human race wants something more, better, bigger, and their souls are unnecessarily restless.  In a way, I feel it induces unnecessary misery, higher divorce rates, etc.  I am all for betterment of one's self.  But what is also wrong with "I have arrived and am content"?  Just playing devil's advocate."

I suppose I just feel that I have arrived in many ways.  I am sort of content, but mostly I am trying to figure out, if I am past my prime, why am I still here?

So that restlessness led me to commencement speeches, where I can pretend I am a part of an audience who still has huge goals for their futures and who still would welcome some mildly cliched but mostly inspiring speeches from famous people.

Here are some of my favorites:

Dolly Parton's Commencement speech at UT:  "Do not confuse dreams with wishes.  There is a difference.  Dreams are where you visualize yourself being successful at what's important to you to accomplish.  Now dreams build convictions because you work hard to pay the price to make sure that they come true.  Wishes are hoping good things will happen to you, but there's no fire in your gut that causes you to put everything forth to overcome all the obstacles.  So, you have to dream more, and never ever ever blame somebody else if it doesn't happen."

Bill Cosby's Commencement speech at Carnegie Mellon:  "Nerd:  a prepared person who doesn't give a damn about the dance."

Ellen's Commencement speech at Tulane University:  "Thank you to all of the graduating class of 2009; I realize most of you are hung over and have splitting headaches and you haven't slept since Fat Tuesday but you can't graduate 'till I finish so listen up.  When I was asked to make the commencement speech I immediately said yes.  Then I went to look up what commencement meant... I had to break the word down myself to find out the meaning.  Commencement.  Common, and cement.  Common cement.  You commonly see cement on sidewalks, sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back.  So there's that.  But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.  I ... didn't go to college at all.  And I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity."

Meryl Streep's Commencement speech at Barnard:  "Pretending is not just play.  Pretending is imagined possibility."

Randy Pausch's Commencement speech at Carnegie Mellon:  "We don't beat the Reaper by living longer.  We beat the Reaper by living well and living fully... It is not the things we do in life that we regret on our deathbed.  It is the things we do not... Your passion must come from the things that fuel you from the inside.  Find someone [whose] happiness is more important than [your own]."

Steve Jobs had a similar speech to Randy Pausch's, except it was slightly less eloquent but basically the point was that we should ask ourselves "If today was my last day on earth, would I want to be doing what I will be doing today?"  If the answer is "no" multiple times in a row, you need to make a change.

Perhaps I need a bucket list.  Anyone want to share theirs?

A Full Life

So, you all probably know about Harold Camping's prediction that the Rapture will be tom- orrow.  Although I don't believe he is correct, I do hope and pray for the return of Christ.  Its all in God's timing, I know, but if it were in my timing, I'd go with sooner rather than later.

But that being said, if enough nutcases predict the end of the world, the chances increase that one of them may accidentally be right.  So, I started out my potentially-last-day-on-earth with style:  I went to see the Pirates of the Caribbean 4 midnight showing.  My life has been enriched for having seen it, so I truly believe I've made my time here worthwhile.

The other things that give me peace in the face of the potential end:  I have loved, lost, learned to heal.  I have "made love without a touch," in the words of a Grammy-winning country band.  I have chased a shooting star and caught it and been burned.  I have hoped and dreamed, I have made a future, lost it, gained it, lost it.  I have cried, I have laughed, I have danced, I have fought.  I have lived a complete life, and if the world ends tomorrow, I'm ready, knowing I've made the world better in some way.  However, if the world doesn't end tomorrow, awesome.  I have more time to accomplish more things.

To my family and friends, I love you, you have enriched my life.  Enrich yours in whatever time you have left by going to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

That is all.

The Flaw in my Argument

"If you find someone for whom you would walk out of any relationship with any other person, you should not be in a relationship with that other person."

The flaw in my thinking can be seen when I break this sentence down into simpler terms.  It basically says, "I can't date you because if my ex comes back to me I would leave you for him and I don't want to risk your heart like that."

Breaking that down even further, "I can't date you because if (a completely unlikely event ever happens), I would leave you for him and I don't want to risk your heart like that."

And further: "I can't date you because if a clown rides up on a purple and green polka dot rhinoceros, I would leave you for him and I don't want to risk your heart like that."

Its worth the risk of loving if the alternative is living in fear of a purple and green polka dot rhinoceros.  And yet, for some reason, Nicholas Sparks' characters actually find that stupid rhinoceros and leave their second love to go back to their first love.  I hate Hollywood.

Journal Entry

I don't know for sure if I'm going to end up publishing this.  I have experienced pain in my life before and I always found some outlet for it.  Sometimes I would quote mopey song lyrics in a cryptic way (silly me, wrote this whole entry out and only just remembered what my previous entry was), so that those who cared could try to decipher it.  But that is an easy way to be misunderstood and so I got bored with that (apparently not).  Other times I would just vent to my friends, but there's only so much you can say before you feel you are repeating yourself.  When I felt there was no where to turn, I would go to my journal; I started it in 1997 and kept it up until a few weeks ago, fourteen years and 4 months.  Granted, in the past couple of years I have written sporadically, sometimes going months without writing.  I've been too busy enjoying life.  My journal ended on a happy note, despite the pain and uncertainty I was feeling at the time, despite the pain and uncertainty that some part of me thought was in store for me in the near future.  I had chosen, that day, to see the silver lining.

Today I see the clouds, and thanks to a dream I had, I see the tornado in my storm.  But I also see a greater good coming from the tornado, even though I don't know what that greater good is yet.

But I can't help but sit here tonight and think about Nicholas Sparks.  I haven't read any of his books but I have seen some of the movies.  Either he is an idiot or Hollywood is, because real relationships don't get made into movies.  Real relationships are gritty, real relationships are boring most of the time and like soap operas 10% of the time and like war the rest of the time.  But there is one thing they highlighted that is important to take note of.  In the movie, The Notebook, the guy and girl are kept apart by a force in the plot (doesn't matter what it is, there has always been a force keeping the lovers apart ever since the ancient Greeks organized theatrical plot lines).  Time passes and they find other people.  Then they find each other again, but things are different now.  There are other commitments, someone is engaged to another person.  And what do you think happens?  The actor who plays Cyclops in X-Men gets left behind by the girl he loves because she loves someone else.  And in the movies, that is okay.  The story is not about him, so we do not see the pain he will feel.

If you find someone for whom you would walk out of any relationship with any other person, you should not be in a relationship with that other person.  But does that necessarily mean you should be with your someone either?  What if the force keeping you apart is just too great to fight?  Should you risk someone else's heart by being with them when you would walk out at any moment if the force is suddenly surmountable again?

And is it wrong sometimes to feel like a martyr?  Is it wrong to say to yourself, "my dreams for myself are not as important as the future happiness of the one I love" and then allow the pain of what you've just given up in your heart to wash over you, day after day?  And is that person, as flawed and unright for you as they are, worth the pain you are feeling?  Obviously, somewhere inside, your heart thinks that person is worth it.  But where does that thought come from?  How does your heart know so assuredly that this person is worth your pain and the years you spend waiting?

How long is too long to wait?

EDIT:  Crap, I just found a flaw in my argument.

Brooke Fraser

My current infatuation, a great song that was passed along by a fellow blogger:

In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

[CHORUS:]
I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE:]
I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

Family

So, a year ago today, I went out with my mom and dad and grand-father, to celebrate his birthday.  I showed up at my grandfather's house, wearing black slacks and a shimmery white blouse.  When he saw me he said, "Oh, pfff, you don't have to dress up, its just a birthday."  He didn't like a big fuss, but he liked to know the family was getting together, and he liked restaurants.

Today, he's not with us, but in honor of him, my aunts and uncles, parents, and I went out to eat at a place called Momentos.  It had a very enjoyable atmosphere, and reminded me quite a lot of some of the nicer places I went to in Italy.  I enjoyed talking to my family, which, if I had said that to the teenage me, or even the college-age me, I would not have believed you.  There was a time when I believed they were all insane.

But just like how in college, my mother suddenly became a wise and amazing woman in my eyes, somehow over the past 5 years, my view of my family has expanded to include the things they mean, rather than just the things they say.

It is interesting how time, experience, and memories of the past allow us to form and re-form our ideas.  It is amazing that we are all still growing, even when we are done growing physically.

I'm not exactly sure what the point of this is, except to say that I'm glad that what made my grandfather tick still beats in the hearts of the rest of his family.  I didn't get super dressed up, but I did wear a skirt, and as I was getting dressed, I did hear his voice in my head, "Aww pfff, you don't have to do that!"  Well, I want to.  It shows I care, to make a nice fuss over someone.

Happy Birthday Grandpa.

Random thoughts on internet sensations

• I never really cared much for Justin Bieber, but I give him credit for maintaining a decent voice while going through puberty.  Next to Rebecca Black, he looks like a legitimate musician.
• Rebecca Black is pretty gutsy for asking Justin Bieber on national television to do a duet with her.  However, "I have Bieber Fever, Justin if you are watching this, will you do a duet with me? That would totally make my life"  is not something he should take seriously.  In fact, that makes her just like every other 13 year old girl out there.  Justin Bieber should file a restraining order against all girls ages 8-18.
• Rebecca Black needs to fire her songwriter, management team, and her singing instructor.  Think of her like a rough-cut diamond.  Or, lets go with something softer, like a piece of glass that is supposed to be a diamond-substitute.  Whoever conceived the music video scratched the glass all up with a diamond.  Then the singing instructor took a hammer to the whole thing and shattered it.  Then the songwriter took the entire mish-mosh and put it on Sesame Street.
• What is the deal with musicians these days who sing three verses and a chorus of a pop song, then have a rap artist come in and sing the bridge, then go back to the pop sound?
• I surprised myself by really liking this video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z5-P9v3F8w&feature=relmfu

Fasting, Beer, and Mr. Right

So, this Sunday started the latest series at Liquid church.  It is about fasting.  I couldn't watch it because the internet was crappy Sunday so I found it in the archives on Monday (today).  I think one of my favorite quotes is from Pastor Tim:  "Do you wanna know what the fastest growing church in America is?  St. Arbucks, there's a temple on every corner."

The other great quote needs a little back story.  The Bible teaching came from the book of Daniel.  The Babylonian army had scattered the Hebrews and carried some off into exile to Babylon.  They were given food from the king's table- comfort food, rich delicacies.  So to illustrate, Pastor Tim brought out a shopping cart full of comfort food:  baby-back-rib-flavored potato chips, marshmallow fluff, cake, cookies, whipped cream.  Then he went back to the verse:  "Food from the king's table, and wine!  Well, we don't have wine, but oh- look at that, we do have the king of beers right here!"  He pulled from the shopping cart a 6-pack of Budweiser.  "I'm just gonna leave that on the table and let all the Baptists go crazy!"

Yes, beer in church on a Sunday morning.  Totally made my day.  Except my day was Monday, as I stated.

The message was actually more fitting for me on Monday than it would have been had I watched it Sunday.  I believe God shut off my internet so I would hear the message at the correct time for me.  Why did a day make a difference?  Well, Monday morning, I woke up, and learned something about an acquaintance that really got under my skin.  Not that this person irritated me, but that what I learned just acted as one of those little bee stings that sometimes grabs me and makes me think about my life.

And of course, when I'm thinking about my life, inevitably, I wonder what my future is like and am I ever going to be settled in the relationship department.  I have come to a startling realization.  I am not the type of girl that the type of guy I'm attracted to, would be attracted to.  I am not Mrs. Right.  I might be Mrs. Right, for someone.  But that someone is not the type of person who would be Mr. Right for me.  And that's a problem, because something has to change to correct that.  Is it easier for me to change my personality, or my attractions?

So that is what was running through my mind as I watched this sermon.  And what I got from the sermon was that we fast because our physical bodies and our spiritual lives are deeply connected.  Sacrificing physical desires jumpstarts a spiritual hunger.  Historically, those who fast experience a powerful move of God in their lives.  Esther fasted with her people in desperation and ended up stopping a holocaust.  Daniel fasted with three buddies.  Daniel received the gift of prophecy and a miraculous angelic rescue from hungry lions.  His three buddies walked with Jesus while a tyrant was attempting to martyr them- and survived.  Jesus fasted before starting the most influential ministry the earth will ever see.

So I began to wonder, "Should I fast something, as a way to push through, as a way to realign my relationship with God and realign my desires and attractions with the Mrs. Right God wants me to be?"  And if so, what would I fast?  I need fats and proteins and carbs because I'm still 4 pounds short of my woefully small weight goal.  So I can't do the same fast the church is doing (a Daniel fast- 21 days of nothing but fruits, vegetables, and water).  I can't fast caffeine or tea because I haven't been indulging in them much anyway.  Its not a sacrifice if you already don't consume it.  I haven't even been eating much chocolate lately.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized:  I only eat or drink when my body needs it, I rarely self-indulge.  I am already tithing my time to God in many ways, and have slacked off on the tv watching.  And further, I have felt closer to God in the past month and a half than I can remember being in a long time.  So it would appear that I have no need for a fast- I am already doing so without even knowing it.  If that is the case, why do I still feel that my priorities are so out of line that they will prevent me from finding a good match?

Aid for Japan

I am both proud and disgusted by my country.  The moment there is a crisis, global or here on our own soil, news agencies put little alert notices everywhere saying that if you text a certain number you can donate money to help in the relief of the crisis.  Whether the recipient is a 3rd world nation, or one of the leading, technology-driven countries of the world, does not matter.  What matters is that they are in need, and we instantly have the opportunity to use our cell phones to donate $10 to the relief fund.  How wonderful that we are so generous and caring and willing to help out instantly.

At the same time, isn't it sort of like blind sheep jumping onto the bandwagon of the latest fad, regardless of whether that country actually wants or needs our help?  Should we wait until the country has actually requested aid?  When I fall down, I don't want 15 people to come help me stand back up again.  I want to do it myself.  But, if I ask for help, I want to know and have faith that my 15 friends will come help me when I know I really can't do it myself.  I just like my independence.  And I think there are a lot of nations out there who like to know that they are not financially beholden to the United States, or any superpower.  Are we using generosity as a form of imperialism, since true imperialism is generally frowned upon these days?

I am not saying we should not be sending aid to Japan.  Japan sent us aid when we were dealing with chaos after Hurricane Katrina.  We should send them aid to help with their tragedies.  But they did not send us money because our economy was such that we could not generate the funds to rebuild.  Nor should we send aid to Japan because their economy is such that they cannot rebuild.  We should send aid to Japan as a show of our friendship and support in a time of need, as they did for us.  Haiti, on the other hand, although they need our friendship, actually did need our money, and still does need money as they continue to deal with a destructive event that happened more than a year ago, and which we forgot about roughly 11 months ago.

On an different note,  I saw a headline today in which a mother of a student in Japan wrote to the mother of a student in NJ.  Their towns are considered sister towns, and the students correspond with each other in a form of cultural exchange.  The Japanese mother said, in broken English, basically that with enough earthquakes, there won't be anything left to fall and they could endure shaking, but what scared her most was nuclear meltdown.  She hoped the United States would be able to send scientists and physicists who know how to deal with nuclear meltdown.

Now, yes, the United States was the first to develop radioactive materials as a form of energy.  But we used it for a bomb.  If you really want help with controlling a nuclear power plant, ask the French.  Many European countries run entirely on nuclear power, and many of those countries contract the construction of their energy plants to the French.  The United States has nuclear power plants, yes.  But nuclear power in the United States is so restricted that we are running on technology put in place in the 70s.  Even plans to upgrade a nuclear plant in the US are fought over as ignorant people develop stronger aversions to the same energy that powers a "nucular" bomb.  We, as a people, only understand carbon fuels.  If you had a problem with a leaking oil well, we've got tons of experience cleaning that up.  But for all your radioactive needs, check with a country that actually educates their people about the benefits of nuclear power and has years of experience in keeping it safe.

More Star Musings

A little while ago, I blogged about the constellations.  My post made the argument that the spiritual story of the world can be told through the study of the stars.  This post builds on that a bit.

I watched a video a while back called "Beasts of the Bible."  By interviewing several marine biologists and historians, they came to the conclusion that the large fish that swallowed Jonah was likely to be metaphorical since there is no fossil record indicating there could have been an animal like the one described in that place and in that time.  Such animals did exist and some still exist today but the time period and location do not fit.  So when some aspect of the Bible does not make sense, the next logical question arises:  "Is this a metaphor, and if so, what is it describing?"  They turned to the stars for the answer.  Somehow (I've forgotten how but it may have been based on records of Jonah's arrival in Ninevah) they determined that Jonah would have been in the water at the time when a large fish constellation would have been dominating the sky.  In the lore of the day, that constellation would represent darkness, reflection, and repentance for deeds.  So they concluded that that particular animal of the Bible was not a real animal but a metaphor depicting Jonah's mental state.

Now, I am not intending to represent this as truth, or that I believe God could not provide a real, physical fish to come swallow Jonah despite the fossil records.  But I admire that when one part of the Bible appears to contradict science (which is equally as important for understanding our world), the response is not to throw out scripture or science, but to keep searching until a suitable reconciliation can be found for the two.

I believe the same concept can be applied to other confusing parts of the Bible.  Lets take Revelation.  Chapter 12 mentions a sign in heaven:  a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, 12 stars on her head, about to give birth to a son who will rule with an iron scepter.  Later in Revelation the one ruling with the iron scepter is said to be Jesus, so this woman might represent symbolically Mary, or the entire people of Israel, who gave birth to Jesus, or something else entirely.  But just as things here on earth have symbolic meaning spiritually, couldn't things that happen here also be reflected in the stars?  Could something happen that would cause the constellation Virgo, Andromeda, or Cassiopeia to appear more brightly than usual, with the moon by her feet, a group of 12 stars near her head, and something unexplainable in her belly?  Perhaps a supernova or some other celestial occurrence that does not happen often?

Later, another sign appears in heaven- a dragon.  We know from later passages that this represents Satan.  But just as the symbol of the dragon represents a real entity, could the constellations represent a real event here on earth?  Could Draco appear near Virgo, waiting to "devour" the supernova in her belly?

Perhaps I've been living in my fictional world of Sendreluna for too long.  There is a part of that story in which people receive messages from the dreams they have while lying under the open stars.  Perhaps my imagination is simply too active.

Rant

If my current business doesn't pan out...

Just because I am not "employed" does not mean I do not work.  It is so hard to be an entrepreneur these days.  On surveys, there is never an option for "I started my own business."  The options are: "employed," "unemployed and not looking" (aka on disability even if your disability is laziness), "unemployed and looking," and "prefer not to say."  As capitalist as our society is, you'd think we be more accommodating to those who choose to work for themselves.

People who ask about my massage business follow up with, "You should see if any chiropractors are hiring."  Not, "Its great you have the clients you do have, I will tell all my friends about you and recommend they call you if they are looking for a massage!"  Its as if it is completely taboo to be independent from a larger establishment.

Several months after the bookstore went out of business and before I "officially" started my massage practice, my mom asked me if I needed any money.  She didn't know what to say when I said no.  I think she thinks I'm completely destitute, but I'm not.  I live simply and don't buy stuff for myself that I don't need.  In the time that I have lived with my parents after college I have never asked them for money.  At times, mom tries to pay for things for me, but I do not ask, because I do not need it.

Now, I am a little frustrated because I've discovered certain people consider me "unemployed."  I am not unemployed.  I made $500 last week alone.  Just because I have more time at home than you do is no reason for you to knock my profession.  If you are jealous that I do all my office work in my pajamas and meet clients in a uniform that feels like pajamas, that's your problem with your own lifestyle choices, not mine.  Go start your own business.

K, I'm done.

Relationships

Almost ten days of silence so I thought I should put something up here.  I'm still alive.  The massage business picked up for a bit so I've been busy with that.  It is nice to know that although I consider blogging an addiction, when real life steps in, I am able to focus on what's truly important.  I was beginning to wonder if I was wasting time on blogger, but now I see that I was merely filling time, keeping myself from sitting still and twiddling my thumbs.

I've had a few things on my mind the past few days, and a good portion of them have to do with relationships.  I'll get to them, but for the sake of flow, I'll write the non-relationship story first.

As you know, I've been on a higher-calorie diet, trying to put a few pounds on.  Although I have gained and lost and gained again and lost again, I am currently 3.5 pounds heavier than when I started in early January.  Some of weight gain may be in ab muscle, since I've been doing yoga and pilates as well.  I generally dislike the carbs that will help me gain, and I love nuts, proteins, and vegetable nutrients.  So, I've adjusted my food plan so that I am gaining some weight in fat and some in muscle, while simultaneously raising my metabolism a little so I feel warmer during the day as well.  It has helped.  Although taking a snow-bathing-suit picture was still pretty darn cold.  I still have bruises from that day too.  I've learned that I have probably been pretty malnourished for a while.  Since I began eating more calories, my fingernails grow faster, my face is clearer, I feel healthier, and I have virtually no menstrual cramps.  And here I had no idea I was starving myself.  Still... its been a struggle to gain more than 3.5 pounds and keep it on.  Its like my body doesn't want to do it.

Ok, on to the relationship stuff.  The two churches I attend with any form of regularity are both doing a relationship series.  It is interesting to compare the two.  I'm still not sure exactly what point the one church is trying to make.  I believe it has to do with "becoming a better you" so you can become Mr. or Mrs. Right for someone.  The other one has a lot to do with the ways men and women communicate or fail to communicate.  To be honest, the first church is sort of "relationship advice for guys and gals" while the second church is "relationship advice for men and women."  I feel I sort of relate to the second one a bit better, but the first one has its merits.

I recently read a friend's blog about traveling to Vermont with 23 youth group kids for a ski retreat.  Her husband is the youth pastor, and although she takes a less active role in the church than she used to, she still gets involved with the kids and attends the winter retreats.  Her photos looked like everyone, even the adults, had a lot of fun.  I remembered the days when I used to chaperone on winter retreats for my home church.  It was a lot of fun, and yes, the adults have their own camaraderie going on that the kids probably never notice.  I sort of miss that kind of thing, but would also like someone to join me in that.  In fact, I might miss church relationships in general... it might be time for me to get involved again with a church, although which one, I am not sure.

I also have been the recipient of an unexpected friendship.  I say recipient because I am a golden-retriever personality type in the Smalley Personality Test.  A golden retriever is someone who is extremely loyal, to the point of death, to a relationship she has chosen.  However, a golden retriever cannot be forced into a relationship.  They will never turn and bite because they have such good temperaments, but you cannot force them to love you.  So, I have received friendship from someone who I am reluctant to give back to.  Part of me feels bad, and the other part of me says, "I don't care, you can't make me, I won't do it."  I can be quite stubborn like that.  When I was in high school, this way of thinking would have been fine, just a part of my personality.  But now that I am older, I feel that I am being immature.  I should lay more boundaries in this friendship, but I hate conflict (another golden retriever quality) and so I avoid it.  Am I misleading this person into thinking our friendship is a great one?  Or can they read the non-verbal signs I am giving (such as the total non-interest in hanging out, complete lack of enthusiasm for the moments we do hang out, and the refusal to speak the same language)?

Going back to the church discussion of relationships, our homework last week was to write a letter of respect to one guy in our lives.  (Guys were supposed to give 45 minutes of their time to a woman by listening to her talk).  I really struggled with my homework, and actually, I didn't do it.  Although I feel respect, I don't know how to verbalize it.  I think that my way of expressing respect is to show love.  I don't know how to simply say, "I respect you for ____."

Plus since I am not currently dating anyone, its a little iffy about who the recipient of this letter should be.  Married folks were to do their homework for their spouse, and dating people presumably would do that for their significant other, especially if the relationship is struggling.  But me... I don't know.  The apostle Paul says it is better not to marry, but I feel that singlehood is just as complicated and confusing as marriage.

I am inclined to agree with the church that says men and women speak different languages, rather than the church that says, "You're single because you have baggage."  I'd like to speak from personal experience, the one time in my life when I was struggling with baggage was when I found a really great guy and he dated me despite the baggage.  I have since let go of that baggage, have none, and am now single.  So poo on you, crazy church.

(Headed there as soon as I publish this, for some unknown reason.)

Freemasons

So, I have an acquaintance who occasionally mentions his meetings at the local Mason Lodge.  Up until his Freemason-related Facebook statuses began, my only "knowledge" of the Freemasons was that they are all conspiracy theorists (thanks Dan Brown) and cannibals (thanks Bones).

Now, you're probably going to get all uppity because my "knowledge" isn't even correctly drawn.  Dan Brown's novel supposedly reveals secrets kept from society (making them the target of the conspiracy theorists and not the conspiracy theorists themselves).  But as all prejudiced thinking works, I have drawn easier connections in my mind so that through the novel, the Freemasons = a society for conspiracy theorists to come together to discuss all the things our government is hiding from us.

And about the cannibalism bit- to be fair, the TV show Bones never stated that Freemasons are cannibals.  They just made a fictional secret society that uses architectural clues and symbols to encode information and give off the aura of being the Freemasons, with one exception, and that being that they have also incorporated cannibalism.  So in my preconceived notions of Freemasonry, we've got conspiracy theorists and cannibals.

Enter my friend, who seems to be a level-headed guy not prone to conspiracy theories OR cannibalism.  His Facebook references to the Lodge triggered curiosity.  Well, if they are not eating each other, or discussing whether or not the US put people on the moon, what are they doing?  A quick Wikipedia search revealed nothing useful.

It seems that the Freemasons do not gather at their meetings in order to organize charity fundraisers, sponsor kids, or set up scholarships in any way.  They don't get involved in philanthropy or humanitarian efforts; they don't seem to benefit society in any form at all.  They also don't seem to be a "club" with common interests such as being veterans, involvement in local politics, model airplanes, or quilting.  Nor do they seem to be a white supremacy group.

Does anyone know if this group has a purpose?  And if they do not, how have they managed to be around for so long?  Do they go to their lodge so they can sit around with other men, drink beer, and shake hands?  If so, doesn't that kind of resemble a version of Calvin and Hobbes' club "G.R.O.S.S." but for grown men?  And isn't that kind of ridiculous?

Can anyone clear this up for me, because I really would not like to associate my acquaintance with cannibalism.  Thanks.

Whyyyyyyyy?

Ok, I really did look for a picture to put here with my post.  But I couldn't find anything about the evils of love that wasn't bitter.

I'm not bitter.  On a whim, I dug into my top drawer and pulled out a little leather-bound book of poetry I've written.  I don't really write poetry much anymore but there was a time when I was writing quite prolifically about the things in my heart.  As I browsed the pages I remembered the relationship moments that inspired the poems.  And I realized something.

It does not matter whether the relationship was over before it began, burned like a candle from both ends, was long-lasting and peaceful yet slowly faded away, was deeply intimate like the poetry of Song of Solomon, or stormed through two lives like the weather at the ocean's shore.  Somewhere in the course of the story, whether in the beginning, the middle, or at the end, that relationship will hurt.  That is what love does.

Do people seek love because it improves the impact of their poetry?

My weight-gain diet...

The Mifflin-St. Jeor Equation:

RMR = 9.99w + 6.25s - 4.92a + 166g-161

The Mifflin-St. Jeor Equation explained:
RMR: Resting Metabolic Rate
w: weight in kilograms; if you know your weight in pounds, divide by 2.2 to get your weight in kilograms
s: height in centimeters; if you know your height in inches, multiply by 2.54 to get your height in centimeters
a: age in years
g: gender; 1 for males, 0 for females

RMR = 9.99*56.81 + 6.25*173.99 - 4.92*26 + 166*0 - 161
RMR = 567.5319 + 1087.4375 - 127.92 - 161
My Resting Metabolic Rate = 1366.0494
Calories to maintain weight: RMR*1.15 =  1570.95681
Calories to gain weight:  1570.95681 + 500 + 180 (lost during my 30 minutes of yoga , pilates, cardio) = ~2251

Actual results over the past 3 weeks:  Gain two pounds, lose two pounds, gain two pounds, lose two pounds, gain two pounds, lose three pounds, gain two pounds.  I just don't have the time to continually count calories, but instead I have focused on larger portion sizes, whole milk, whole grains, balanced meats, and more meals throughout the day.  If this gain-lose cycle keeps going I may have to be more strict about it.  My weight has not fluctuated this much in the past decade and even if it is only a few pounds, I'm not sure its healthy.

Phil

Ok... seriously?  I knew that some- where out in Penn- sylvania, on February 2nd every year, some people get really excited about a rodent I usually view as a nuisance.  I also knew that people across the country base a major superstition on the actions of this rodent.  But when I went to the weather channel today (because I was hoping the next inevitable snowstorm would be sometime this coming week), I happened across a video of the whole groundhog event, which I did not know was a camera-worthy event.

You mean to tell me that my whole life, men in Pennsylvania have been dressing up one day a year in "tuxedos," gloves, and top hats in order to proclaim from a scroll the actions of a large garden pest, and I am only finding out about it now?  And why does the guy holding Phil look like Bill Engvall?

And phooey on him, he predicted an early spring, which everyone cheered about, which means I, by force of nature, must disagree with the "incrowd" and hope for six more weeks of winter.

Grammar Problem!!

"Wars are terrible and destructive...but there their for more than one reason."

Ok, people are having a hard time knowing the difference between "they're," "their," and "there."  I get that.  I don't know why it is such a hard concept, but I get that it is a common problem.  But do you have to screw up twice in one sentence?  Seriously?

At least this person didn't say "I realize people don't like the rules of grammar, but there their for they're own good."

Media Hype Alert!

So, I'm pretty tired of all the doomsday crap.  We had winters like this when I was younger, we had a winter like this last year, and we'll probably have a winter like this next year.  And yes, the roads are icy and will continue to be icy, and some people may die on them, maybe even me.  Its not the end of the world, it just sucks to be you.

While browsing some blogs, I came across one written by "TheBigShowAtUD."  I felt he made some pretty good points:  "I confidently believe that the lot of you are reasonable persons who've been expert pattern-spotters since diapers, bottled juices, and animal pajamas. I know. Just humor me, though. Not everyone in the contiguous United States understands that it SNOWS AROUND HERE when the temperature drops, you know, as it always does at this point on the calendar. Someone's mind was blown just now, and that person is responsible for the over-time news coverage of The Biggest Winter Storm Ever, every night. If it's you, then you probably thought Y2K was a big deal, but it's okay. I won't tell."

The author also discusses the media hype and coverage of all these snowstorms, especially when they come from meteorologists who finally feel they are getting their moment of fame on TV (my take on it, not his).  Here's what he says:  "Let's define 'de-icer,' because the name, itself, isn't obvious. That's how it works. If it's not the President interrupting my show with 'Things are about to get better,' then it's the local meteorologist in a tailored suit saying 'Things are about to get worse.'"

That about sums it all up, in my opinion.

EDIT:  I have just discovered that the month of January for the north Jersey area where I am saw below average precipitation and above average high temperatures, despite having 12 days of snow and at least one snowstorm a week for the whole month.  I realize lots of places in the country have had people seeing snow this year for the first time in their lives, but seriously... I really don't think snow is something that warrants more than 5 minutes on the news at night.  Unless its snowing in Iraq.  Or Cairo.  Or Mars.

Musing about my weight problems

If you don't know, my body has a certain weight it likes to be and that is the weight I am going to stay.  When I went to college, I lost weight, followed by my body's lame equivalent of the Freshman Fifteen.  It was more like the Freshman Five and a Half for me.  I may waver slightly depending on whether I've gained food-weight from Thanksgiving, lost water-weight sweating in the summer, or spent the day puking my brains out with a flu.  But I always bounce back to my normal weight once the food is digested or I have re-hydrated.  I have been the same weight since 2002.

With two exceptions.  In the case of the simple exception, I was taking six classes and doing intense physical exercise 5 nights a week, in addition to walking to all my classes.  Also, this was before I was pretty close friends with Navin, so I was more or less a chicken-sometimes-but-no-other-meats vegetarian.  I pretty much wasted away to nothing, went to some event for my class and found myself daydreaming about steak.  I went to Wendy's that night for as much protein as I could get and managed to keep myself alive another couple of days, when classes ended at Christmas.  I came home for Christmas dinner and was back to my normal weight in no time.

The other exception is more complicated and kind of a secret I kept for a while.  Once, when I had different life goals than I do now, I wanted to lose six pounds, for no other reason than that I liked how the numbers (of my goal weight) sounded in my head.  I set my mind to it, knowing there was no medical reason I should be losing weight, but wanting a different weight none-the-less.  I managed to accomplish my goal, and when I did, a friend who hadn't seen me in a while asked me if I had been sick for very long.  Sigh.  End diet, return to normal.

In the past few weeks, I have been struggling a lot with the cold, and even struggling to keep my body temperature up while I'm indoors.  This is not due to a weight loss, but it seems that as I get older, it is becoming harder for me to cope with the cold than it used to be.  (I sound like an old geezer!)  So, in an effort to both raise my metabolism (warming me up) and add a little insulation (FAT!) I've put myself on a weight-gain, increase-your-caloric-intake diet.  I still intend to eat healthy foods (limit donuts and fried foods as usual) but eat foods that will help me gain weight.

Here's what's happened so far:  Gain two pounds, lose two pounds, gain two pounds, lose two pounds, etc.  Ideally, I will be gaining 5 pounds and losing zero.  Going off the generalized healthy-weight rule of 100 pounds for the first five feet and five pounds for every additional inch in your height, I'd still be 12.5 pounds underweight.  But I need to take baby steps, and 5 pounds is a more reachable goal than 17.5.

However, I've been gathering information about gaining weight (hence, my previous porker post) and I have discovered I have an aversion to carbohydrates.  It is a struggle to force myself to eat them, however, I don't have this problem at breakfast.  At breakfast, I love an egg on toast, hot cereal, granola, waffles, pancakes, a bagel.  Carbs galore!  But lunch and dinner, especially at restaurants, I find myself cringing at the thought of carbs.  Not that I consciously don't like carbs, but when I scan a menu and pick out things that look delicious and things that don't, the things that don't tend to be carbs- sandwiches, pasta dishes, potatoes, rice.  The things that do look good tend to be salads, soups, meats- things with nutrients and animal fats and protiens and water!  (Thats another thing- despite my love of tea helping with my morning fluid intake, I think I am usually dehydrated.)  So the foods I naturally love are not fattening foods, and the foods I do not favor are the carbs I need to add a few extra pounds.

Perhaps people are not "naturally thin" or have a "genetically high metabolism."  Perhaps it just has to do with what foods are pleasing to their palates.  And if that is the case, is that preference genetic?

A Game of "What If"

What if you were a farmer?

You would probably have something like this:

You would want to turn him into something like this:

So, to fatten him up, you feed him some of this:

Those are grains, in case you didn't know.  Grains form the foundation of an American's diet, because someone gave us this:

And then, after learning in school that grains are the most important part of our diet, we look like porkers and someone has the audacity to put in the newspapers things like this:

Why on earth is obesity a surprise?  And WHO is the farmer that's trying to fatten us up for the slaughter?  Make no bones about it, one of these days, we're going to wake up and realize we're just being farmed by aliens.