mmm

I lied to someone today. Not to any of you who read this. But... it was an odd feeling. I was sort of struck by the permanence of it. Like, ok... with this topic, this is just how its going to be for the rest of my life. But... *it* is a small thing. Nothing that will kill me if it stays this way. It just caught my attention today.

ACKKK gaggg ick plbbbffttt...

I just ate a really disgusting jelly bean. It tastes like Windex. Take that Harry Potter Jelly Bellies!

I just read the first paragraph again... I guess I should explain myself. I had to lie to this person. Telling the truth would be admitting to myself that my life is screwed up. No, that sounds too harsh. Telling the truth to this person would lead to tons of questions and ultimately this person telling me I'm not living my life correctly. So to avoid the hassel of the stigma in West Milford, I've decided to let everyone here believe I'm living like a West Milford girl. But in reality, I've become a New Brunswick girl. But they can't know that. And I can't go back to life as a Milly girl. As much as I sometimes long for momma's apron strings, I can't.

I can't even explain what it means to be a New Brunswick girl. You have to come here and try it to see.

So yeah its complicated. And the issue in question can't be mentioned here, so its even more enigmatic. Sorry if I've totally confused and/or made everyone curious out of their minds. This isn't a plead for someone to interrogate me. Its only a place for me to express how I feel, in this case, how I feel about lying.

Its sad. But necessary.