THE FUTURE...

...ooooh... make breakfast spooky... spooky eating toast.... yum yum yum... human hand.

Hmm

So school ends and all of a sudden I have the time to think again. Funny how that happens every semester.

I thought about a lot of things. Needed to cry and got that out. Needed to chat and got that to happen too. Needed to... not necessarily make decisions, but at least lay the groundwork so I'll be able to. Did that until 8 am this morning.

I'd like to say I think education is amazing. 4 years ago, I could only speak and understand English. Now, Doug is iming me in Spanish, I'm answering in Italian, and then going to another AIM box and speaking to Steve in English. And... as a part of a potential future schooling opportunity, this morning I seriously considered the possibility that I might need to learn French.

And it all started in Jujitsu. Where I'm getting a couple words here and there in Japanese. And through the people involved, getting exposure to Mandarin. And German. And Hindi. And Malayalam.

But anyway, back to jujitsu. Since winter break, I've not felt like going. I sort of go out of habit now. I couldn't imagine breaking that habit until a few days ago. Then suddenly I realized I'd felt this way since the winter and why didn't I notice earlier? Barb mentioned last week about moving from the heart. She was speaking with a physiological viewpoint because the lines and angles between the heart and other body parts are crucial. But I took it mentally as well. I can't move from my heart because my heart's not in it. I think I've mentioned that before.

Yesterday at jujitsu, it was good. Barb pushed me to conquer a fear I've had. And it was good. I got over it. I'm sure it looked messy when I did it, but I did it. Actually two fears. One of them looked REALLY messy. But whatever. I got a lot out of it. But I didn't care. I didn't have a sense of elation that I'd conquered my fear. I didn't care because I was not interested in being there. I kept wondering what time it was. When would it end.

My brother said something to my mom about how when he comes to Rutgers, he's not sure if he wants to join jujitsu, because its my life now. And he doesn't want to be that closely connected to me. But if he only knew what's going on in my head... maybe jujitsu IS my life now. Maybe that's making me resent it.

At any rate... maybe I need a break from jujitsu. I think part of it is, over time, my eyes have been opened to things in the dojo. Maybe I just need a break so I can accept the fact that I'm not wearing rosey glasses anymore.

So that's what started a whole slew of things. Because one thing leads to another. And in the end, I ended up allowing myself to dream about the future. I'm not done with school yet. Just done with school at Rutgers.

Whoo hoo! I'm graduating in 8 days!!!