story

I might be posting a story here... I might delete it before I hit the "publish" button. We'll see.

The main character doesn't have a gender. Well... that's not true. But by choosing a gender, I feel like I'm alienating the half of my readers who aren't that gender. And the English language has no pronoun that includes both genders. "It" I feel excludes both genders. So, when I can't avoid the use of pronouns, I'm going to borrow one from the Italian language. "Loro" is a 3rd person plural pronoun today. But in the past, the Italians used Loro, capitalized, when addressing royalty... sort of a "royal we" in a sense. Because I think so much of you, as you read this, that I want to use a pronoun that doesn't denote gender, but royalty. Because this story is for you.

Well you know what... it was a nice idea, but Loro isn't working for me. I feel like it alienates the English speakers... and that's a bigger percentage than alienating one gender or another. So... its going to be a male pronoun... mostly because... I can think of more guys who read my blog than girls. Sorry, girls. Its still for you too.

He crawled into the corner of the room, head sagging, tears streaming down his cheeks. He didn't want to carry it anymore. He didn't want to hide Them anymore. He took a shuddering breath like one who has worked long and hard to hold back the tears. He swallowed painfully, like one who has kept the tears in the back of his throat for far too long. His body doesn't like that. Tears are meant for the eyes. He looked at his arms, studying the curve of his bicep. It was strong. In his attempts to hide Them, he had done many things. He had used those biceps. He had made life better for others, because he could not do so for himself. His gaze shifted to his hand, palm down on the floor, bracing his weight to keep him from dropping facedown on the floor. He wondered what would happen if he did. Would he get up eventually? He flexed his hand, watching the skin stretch across the veins underneath. How perfect that hand is. Opposable thumbs, fingernails. How useful. His hands had gotten a lot of use. He had injured, he had healed, he had helped, and he had allowed them to lie useless. He had explored with his hands. But never himself. He had never explored his own body. Because of Them. Well, what would happen if he stopped hiding Them?

Slowly, he dragged his hands across the tiles, and pushed himself upright. The water streamed into his eyes, and he closed them. No, keep hiding. Take a deep breath. Let the warm water cover your face, let it make you forget there are tears there too. Tears. What are those? There's nothing on your face now. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. Stabilize. Take a deep breath. But what about Them?

He kept his eyes closed. He didn't want to open them. Slowly, without realizing it, his hand moved up to his chest. It hovered there for a split second. Then, with a shock going through his body, his fingertips brushed his chest.

Now he could open his eyes. He looked down to where those hands, those perfect hands touched Them. His imperfect chest with rough lines crowding around the sternum. His fingers moved slowly, as if horrified. He touched a lump of scar tissue, and followed the jagged line across his heart, and down to his stomach. He put both palms on his chest and slowly dragged them down it, to the base of his stomach.

He remembered the appendicitis scar. He knew where it had come from. He didn't mind that one so much. His gaze went to the one over his heart. He remembered its pain, but he didn't know where it had come from. He looked at a short one that fit neatly between two ribs. It was close to his back; he had to twist a little to see it. A friend with a knife isn't a friend. He turned to a patch of ripply, discolored skin. Burns are some of the worst ways to scar. It has ugly shapes and faces that stare back at you out of your own skin, smiling and laughing and taunting you. His breathing quickened, and his face began to burn as red as the scar. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Open them. He looked at a swirling, lumpy scar. That one was unique. His father had the same scar on his chest. And his grandfather had it too. He'd never met his great-grandfather, but he guessed that scar went way back. His fingers traced the shape of it. Unlike the other scars, this one still hurt. When he touched it gingerly, he felt an arrow deep in his chest. The scar had been there on the day of his birth, irritating him, reminding him whose family he was from. And it was still there. And it would be there until he died.

He turned off the water, reached out for a towel. Cover Them quickly before you see yourself in the mirror. But... not today. What would happen if he looked in the mirror? What would happen if he stopped hiding Them? He was in front of the mirror now. Should he do it?

Before he decided, there was a knock on the door. Probably someone waiting impatiently. How long had he been in there? He had lost track of time. The knock came again, but no one called for him. No one wanted to know how long he would be. He assumed he could take as long as he wanted. That was nice of them. He figured, he could be nice back.

He opened the door and looked into the hallway. He didn't see anyone. But he felt better. He felt a slight breeze as the hot steamy vapors rolled into the hallway. It was refreshing, that cool breeze. He smiled. That person loved him. That person wanted him to feel the breeze. Thank you. He loved that feeling of being loved. It made him stand straighter. It made his chest tingle. It made his pain disappear. He closed the door again, and turned back to the mirror. His eyes were red, but his face was dry.

He lowered his eyes to the large towel wrapped around his body. What if? His hands moved to where the towel was tucked into itself, and slowly undid it. He braced himself for the horrible sight. What he saw in the mirror shocked him. The towel fell to the floor, forgotten.

His hands went to his chest. He repeated the motions he had made before. Palms down, at the top of the sternum, slowly (but not quite as slowly this time) bring them down that smooth, clean skin. What on earth had happened? Where- what. Wait. His mind failed to comprehend the idea that was slowly trying to form in his mind. Where had the scars gone?

Scars are scars forever. They can't just up and leave. And yet, they had. He remembered the tingle he'd felt when he opened the door. But... no. Well... maybe. Nah. He smiled. Ok. Sure. He would give the person the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they took Them. Why not? They loved him enough to knock. He looked at his chest again. The smooth skin stretched over his pectoral muscles. He hadn't noticed them before. They looked good. He flexed. It felt good, and he knew he had used his muscles well. Hiding Them had also hidden the beauty of those muscles that had gotten so much use over the years.

Sorry guys... I wish I could go on, but... I stayed up way past my bedtime to do this. I'm getting up in 4 hours to catch a train to NYC. But this has been stirring inside me for a while and I just now figured out how to get it out. So this had to be done before I lost it. Goodnight.

forgot to mention....

hmm... who would walk 1.3 miles barefoot to cheer me up... that's interesting.

yeah... my blog entries have been shorter lately. Or at least less about what's going on inside. Not because nothing's going on but because I'm expressing it differently. Its ok. I'm sure no one misses the novels.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh

I am SOOOO ITCHY everywhere below the knee!!!

following Anissa's lead

I slept really late today because I had a rare nightmare that exhausted me.

There was stuff before the scary part but I don't really remember much because this sci-fi-ish part sort of overshadows it. But I was calling a meeting of I guess it was Star Trek crew and Star Wars crew. (Not the fans but the characters from Star Wars/Trek.) I knew they didn't get along but we couldn't do the job we had to do or be safe until everyone was united.

There was a pool with a grate covering it, as if to keep some fish or dangerous water creature from jumping out. That was where we gathered, and the tension was high because the two groups were isolating themselves. They weren't human though... some of them were humanlike enough but they all had special powers and abilities. I could tell they were uneasy being near each other and sort of intimidated by each other's powers. I told them that they had to kill the enemy in the youngest stages of its life. This stage was when the young were little plant-like babies (not little cabbage patch kids, but cute like that, and definitely plant-mammals that grew).

They each had sunflowers that looked like little colorful brussel sprouts and we had to take them away because this would prevent the growth of the young. It was hard because they were cute little guys but we knew they'd grow up to be monsters. The sunflower things had flies inside acting as guardians, so we also had to kill the flies so the mature monsters wouldn't know we were attacking the young ones. My brother killed some, but missed a couple of flies, who bit me and got in my socks and clothes, along any part of me that had clothing close to the skin, and it pricked and itched. I killed some of the flies but I knew that meant that the parents knew we'd killed some of their children so they were coming for us. I ran into my bathroom where my dad helped me get my clothes off and find all the flies' bodies. I was going to shower later but my mom was still in the shower so I had to wait for her. My dad left, and I felt something brush past me and I knew it was an adult monster coming into the bathroom.

That was when I realized I'd forgotten to warn my crew that the adults are invisible. My mom opened the shower curtain to grab her towel and saw me reaching out to find this monster and saw me wrestling an invisible enemy. She was puzzled because she didn't know what kind of danger it was. I knew exactly what to do. As soon as I realized I had the monster by the throat, I held it up to the mirror in the bathroom because then I could see it. He was blue, and had an octopus-like head, beady sort of eyes, and weird lips. No skeleton, just sort of octopus-like cartilage/muscle. If you're a Star Wars geek and know who Admiral Akbar is, it sort of looked like it might be a blue relative of his.

I twisted the head around several times using the mirror to guide me, until his neck which was like silly putty got too tight to support his circulatory system. He withered and became visible and I was sort of holding an empty shell of his body. I looked at my crew, who were there suddenly, wide-eyed, and I said "I forgot to mention that the adults are invisible" and told them they had to hold their enemy to the mirror in order to fight them. Then the bathroom door burst open and I knew that at least two more adults had entered. I tried to get them in front of the mirror but it was hard. I woke up reaching for them and my heart was pounding and I almost felt as if they were still there (I've had this sensation before, of the dream feeling like it had materialized in my room as I woke up). I started praying because I'd never had a dream that was so far-fetched and still believable at the same time (usually in the far-fetched dreams, I am aware that I am dreaming but can't do anything about it.)

I need to chill

So, my mom came to see the play on Sunday and commented that it looked like I'd lost weight. I guess it was just the stress of the show combined with lack of sleep and homework and not having a meal card to get a quick easy dining hall meal and substituting healthy food with four chocolate chip cookies.

But I decided to sort of check up on myself, and looked up some symptoms of really stressed out people. Here's what I discovered that I can remember experiencing during the rehearsal weeks.

Sleep disturbances. A couple of times, the most notable being when I spent the night on Busch with Andrew and got really irritated and woke up to have one of the worst rehearsal days ever.

Back, shoulder or neck pain. Ask Cyrus, Steve, and Anissa about this. I had more knots than a fisherman.

Upset stomach or cramps. And here I was thinking Cyrus' tofu stomach was just contagious.

Weight loss. I lost 5 pounds, but then I came home for Thanksgiving.

Fatigue. A couple times I thought I was going to die in my modern dance class, and I had to avoid jujitsu to some extent because it wore me out.

Shortness of breath. That's what I consider fatigue, so see above. Well, fatigue I guess is low energy too.

Cold feet or hands. Well yeah but thats a given. I have that from October to April every year.

Skin problems. The creases of my knees broke out in a rash. Really wierd.

Relational problems/conflicts/overreactions. Uhh...

Emotional. Nerves, moodiness, depression, memory problems, lack of concentration. I had to have a little planner and if I didn't write something in the planner then 3 minutes later it was gone to the same place deleted files go once they leave the recycle bin.

So, this is a warning to everyone reading this. Do lots of activities, but don't kill yourself to get things perfect. I think the reason this was so stressful is cause it was my first time stage managing and I wanted things to be just right. So yeah thats what I learned from all this.

But... its theater. It was worth it. :-D

sigh

There are things I still don't understand, still things I think might have happened differently. But nothing's a fairy tale. I'm not going to push it. I'd rather stay happy and celebrate the fact that no one got hurt. Mourn for what's gone, but celebrate the memories.

No regrets?
None. I would do it again in a heartbeat, even if I knew it would end the same, with the same amount of tears. How can anyone regret living? How can you regret catching a shooting star? How can you regret learning how to fly? How can you regret being free? The ending tears are the price of freedom. Freedom always has a price. Shooting stars are fiery and hot. But its always worth the burn. And if the star comes by again, ok. I'll go for it again. And if it doesn't, ok. I'll still be happy.

thoughts

So, I've noticed a pattern. At every highly influential or emotional point in my life, I've been inspired to write. And quite often, even if I pour it out in poetry, or paintings, or dance, I still feel compelled to put it into a piece of long fiction (medieval fantasy type thing) I've been working on for 4 years now. I had reached a point where I couldn't go any further in my novel, but now, I seem to have found some inspiration. I just have to find a time to write. Maybe over winter break, I'll find some time. We'll see.

In other news, I have officially found out my worth in monetary value (see humanforsale.com): $2,099,000. And I lost $10,000 for having a size 10 shoe :-( such is life in my gene pool I guess. My mom's whole family has big feet.

Jujitsu, my first day back in a long time, was today. I knew if I went I would either have my mind totally not there at all, or I would go to completely forget everything off the mat and have one of the hardest workouts I've had in a long time. Fortunately, for safety's sake, it was the latter. Jess and I worked together, and we got through all of the Yawara list (wrist escapes), and all but one of the Nage (throws). By the end, my eyes were sort of glossing over, and I thought I might fall asleep midthrow. It was more a sort of mental and emotional exhaustion than physical, but when those two are exhausted, they sort of drag the body along too. It was good. Sorta reminded me of when I worked at Betty's farm last summer though. Extreme physical workout to get my mind off other things. But it was good, and productive. I'm glad I went to jujitsu today.

I'm glad that a lot of things happened today.

emmylou harris

As I travel on life's pathway, knowing not what the years may hold, as I ponder, hope grows fonder, precious memories flood my soul, precious memories, how they linger, how they ever flood my soul, in the stillness of the midnight precious sacred scenes unfold...

I've quoted that song before. But I love it, especially now, cause... just cause. I'm having lots of memories for lots of reasons. I've been meaning to post this in some form for a long time. I finally know how to phrase it though. Simply.

Italian festival fireworks
Midnight strolls
Dancing or substitute dancing
Petting zoos
Getting lost, studying maps
Campgrounds
The White House
Camden
Batman
Cowprint
Philadelphia twice
Lee Greenwood
Vanilla peanut butter ice cream
Aida
Gummy bears
Turtles
Strawberry Wafers
Omega
Trying to hide a blush
Ferris wheels
French
Mancala

These things make me so incredibly happy.

apologies

The show is over. I was good until last night. I skipped out on the cast party, dropped in bed, got 9 hours of sleep and woke up exhausted. Then I got to the theater late, and spaced out for the last bit of the show. I identified with the part of the show where the characters feel like the machines they run at the luggage factories. I ran through the show, called all the cues, etc, like a machine. And why not? Its the 5th show. I have everything practically memorized.

So, I'm really spaced out and loopy. So this is my public apology to everyone I talked to today, either on IM or in person. I know I wasn't all there. I don't even have an excuse. Everyone else can blame the cast party. Steve came over to kill time before work and to give me a massage, and I am not completely sure I remember everything about what I said... I do remember the massage though because I was tense and didn't realize it... but I'm sure whatever came out of my mouth must have been really odd.

Anyway... here it is: my apologies. Now I'm off to bed. 'Night!

addendum

When I walked up to the table, your eyes lit up. I haven't seen that in a while, but it makes me happy to know that your eyes light up when I walk up. I don't know if I acknowledged it. I'm sorry.

just a little something

So this was my away message today:

"I got an email saying that at 6:33 today someone will tell me something I've been waiting to hear. well... at 6:33 tonight I'll be in a theater on opening night, surrounded by lighting designers who are doing last minute things, actors who can't find their costumes, and directors who've poured sweat and blood into this thing for the past two months. Which means at 6:33 someone might say something to me, but it will not be something I've been waiting my whole life to hear spoken aloud."

So, at 6:33 tonight... I was backstage making notes from the script and talking to myself haha. I just get a kick out of that.

BTW the show went well tonight. No last minute crises. But there's room for improvement.

something else I stole from Cyrus...

I'm a little theif now. Cyrus has this google game in his xanga where you type your name followed by the word needs and hit enter. Here's what I need:

Meghan needs no introduction
Meghan needs a cup of vodka (do I ever!!)
Meghan needs a savage beating
Meghan needs to gain weight
Meghan needs to call me
Meghan needs to understand all the facts about her situation
Meghan needs an ear
Meghan needs some cheer in her life
Meghan needs help um... sledding
Meghan needs something I can't give her
Meghan needs you the most
Meghan needs a favorable break (totally!! its called thanksgiving!!)
Meghan needs to be tied
Meghan needs a boy. the end.
Meghan needs to get nekkid too
Meghan needs to let go
this was in caps: MEGHAN NEEDS TO SHUT HER MOUTH
Meghan needs to learn how to wrench
Meghan needs to shut the &%$@ up
Meghan needs to be banned from here for her dirty mouth
Meghan needs to leave now

Well then. Ok. I will shut up, if that's how the world feels about it.

note

there's a reason this is in my blog not my xanga.

As an unperfect actor on the stage,
Who with his fear is put beside his part,
Or some fierce thing replete with too much rage,
Whose strength's abundance weakens his own heart;
So I, for fear of trust, forget to say
The perfect ceremony of love's rite,
And in mine own love's strength seem to decay,
O'ercharged with burthen of mine own love's might.
O! let my looks be then the eloquence
And dumb presagers of my speaking breast,
Who plead for love, and look for recompense,
More than that tongue that more hath more express'd.
O! learn to read what silent love hath writ:
To hear with eyes belongs to love's fine wit.

~William Shakespeare

Wooooo Hoooooooo!

New flash:

The musical I am working on has moved into the theater space in College Hall. This means that we will have no more rehearsals in wierd places like Yorba Lounge and the lobby of the Dean's office. Because we will be in the student center, and the student center has offices that need to be locked up at certain ungodly hours of the night, that also means that when the student center is locked up, we have to leave. Which means, absolutely under no circumstances not pertaining to acts of God will we have rehearsal past midnight. Which makes me extremely happy.

Also...

This show is one that allows the working man to speak to the audience. Which means 24 characters tell their life stories to me in rehearsal every day, sometimes twice a day. Often its things like, "I've had a hard life, but I'm making things better for my daughter." I'm worn out, but the houses I've built will stand years after I'm gone. I've given my body and soul to this factory so I can't go anywhere else. I'll just keep doing it, but don't ever let me meet the guy who owns me now. I had so much going for me but circumstances changed all that and now I'm here, but at least I have something to point to. I get this over and over, and even though the show has a theme of hope running along those sad lines, its an emotional rollercoaster for me, and today I was about ready to have a breakdown. I sat down and I started writing a letter to someone I needed to write to but who will probably never see the letter. Then I called Anissa. And we set up a dinner date to have girl time and then Steve came over with a movie and even though I may go short on sleep, I really really needed that time to undo my emotional pent-up-ness so I was very glad it happened.

Now that its over, I need to go to bed. There's no rehearsal tomorrow, just set building, so I don't have to sit through more emotions either. Its a needed break I think.

10 Rules For Living Together

1. Don't lock the door at night. If someone tries to get in while we are sleeping, locking the door would mean he'd make a lot of noise and wake us up. We all need our beauty sleep.

2. If garbage pickup is Tuesday mornings and Friday mornings, make sure to get the garbage out of the kitchen by Wednesday and Saturday. But only do it if the garbage has been there for at least 10 days. No sense making the garbage man work for a couple of measly cans. That's our tax money he's spending.

3. If Molly's litterbox smells, spray the entire bathroom with ammonia.

4. Don't do dishes. Its a waste of water.

5. Plan parties. Invite me a couple of days before.

6. Instead of turning the heat down, open every window in the house.

7. Bring plants into the house, but don't water them. See number 4.

8. Don't clean unless there are people coming over. Its a waste of water and cleaning solution.

9. Don't feed Molly. If she's hungry enough, she will catch mice and bugs and protect us from bad creepy crawlies.

10. Don't put the phone back on the charger. When the batteries die, we'll have peace and quiet from all those wrong number calls we've been getting.

**disclaimer**
this blog entry is meant to be funny or at least somewhat satirical. i love living here. don't take this the wrong way.

thursdays

Thursdays are officially the day skeevy guys have chosen to point their radar at me, find me, hit on me, and creep me out. No one ever hits on me on any other day. Only Thursdays. At first I thought it was the fact that I walk through New Brunswick on Thursdays, but I didn't today, and still got hit on.

So the story is this. I went to my make-up class, which by the way was amazing. I did my fantasy project, an autumn woodland fairy. Afterwards, my friend wanted to go to the library but didn't want to be the only one still wearing makeup. So I went with her, and the guy next to me at the computers did a double-take. That was interesting. We walked to the library with Mickey, who was a My Little Pony -style unicorn, complete with silver hair dye.

When I got back to my apartment, with several double-takes from passers-by, I really didn't want to take the makeup off, but I knew it would just get smeared in jujitsu, and anyway it would distract the kids in the kid's class. So Cyrus and Anissa came over to get pictures (Cyrus is moving soon, BOOOOOO) and from there, Cyrus gave me a ride, so I didn't have to walk through skeevyguyville.

I had to be at rehearsal at 9:30 though, so I had to leave jujitsu early, and stop in the student center to get dinner. On the way out, there was this guy. Ok. So, go back to the November 2 entry, the part where it says: "avoid the creepy guy from class last year who invades personal space and smells like BO only when he opens his mouth which is all the time." After he dropped out of that class halfway through the fall semester last year, I saw him once on the bus, and once in the summer when he came into Subway and talked to Allan, and then that incident on the bus to Livingston where he sat down almost on my lap and wouldn't stop talking because he couldn't handle the fact that I was reading the Chronicles of Narnia instead of giving him attention (BTW why do I attract needy people? they should get a psychological study going here...). The one time I didn't mind his presence so much was the time in the summer when I was surrounded by over 10 people who outrank me in jujitsu, 95% of which were guys.

So I'm rushing out of the atrium area, dinner in hand, and I hear, "HEYYYYY how are you?" as if we're best friends even though neither of us knows the other's name. I slowed and smiled and waved. "Hey, are you going off to eat by yourself?" In the theater world, we talk a lot about subtext which is... what the person REALLY means when they say a line. His subtext was, "Hot girl, no guy around to stake a claim, I can't even make a decent sentence because all I'm thinking about is that she's female." I said, "No, I'm actually headed out to catch a bus." He said, "You have to go, RIGHT this minute?" (Subtext: "Hot girl just rejected me, I have to try harder to affirm myself." I said, "Yeah I have to go over to Livingston for rehearsal, so I'm gonna eat there. I don't want to be late." And I hope my subtext was, "I don't give myself extra time because I try to have excuses to avoid people like you." But I don't know if it was. He knew I was involved in theater stuff because he interrogated me while he was sitting on me on the bus over to Livingston last time he saw me, and totally snubbed the theater world, another reason I'm being a bit more hostile in this blog than I was towards the other skeevy guys. So he said, "Oh yeah for that show I'm not going to see." Which made me grit my teeth. When I finally separated them, I managed a polite, "Ok I'll see you around."

So anyway... that's my Thursday now. Somehow similar to several other Thursdays. I wonder why its only Thursdays.

Anyway, I haven't written about jujitsu lately because I've been in a bit of a slump. The stuff I've learned is becoming very practiced, and the more I practice, the worse I get. I lose heart because I'm tired of seeing my techniques go to pot. But in jujitsu today, Barb gave a bit of a lecture. She said, often, jujitsu corresponds to your life. There are mountains and valleys and plateaus and sometimes dead-end walls. And it really hit home, the correlation between jujitsu and personal life. Several of our jujitsuka have had serious problems in their lives and it has influenced them in terms of jujitsu, in some cases, delaying their testing for another rank. Others have gone through a period of personal growth, and this is also reflected in jujitsu. In Sam's words, "things are moving" in the dojo right now. Steve, Andrew, and Cyrus just tested. Doug, Sam, and Dhaval are almost there. It makes me think about what that reflects for us, as a group. But it also makes me think about my life. My jujitsu has been headed for the valley... but if I analyze my life at the time my jujitsu was going up the mountain, things were really good. I was close with God, and learning so much about myself, God, friendships, and my past. Now, well its hard to analyze a time period while you're still in that time period, but if my jujitsu now is where it is, it makes me think about where my life is. I'd say its in a valley, but I don't know why. I think its one of those things I have to move beyond before I can get a clear idea of what it is and what it looks like. But anyway... that one little thing that Barb said really made me think.

And thats it. I'm done thinking for tonight. 'Cause its really morning.

PS... as if this weren't long enough. For some reason I just wanted to add this:

Oberonious: the leaves are beautiful, are they not?
Me: they are so beautiful that i'm glueing some to my face in makeup class today.

Me: k... i'm off to turn myself into an autumn fairy. i'll talk to you later
y oyo81: !

Me: i have theater major plastered all over my face. literally.

Signs you're an LTC stage manager

First, check this out. http://www.geocities.com/Broadway/Stage/2203/theatrejokes.html

1. You go to log into a Rutgers computer and instead of typing your Rutgers id, you type the LTC username.

2. Your phone rings two hours before rehearsal and you answer it because you automatically assume its a cast member with a crisis.

3. Your family forgets what you look like.

4. Your friends are shocked when you tell them you have two whole hours to hang out.

5. You can't remember the last time you were asleep before midnight.

6. You spend the weekends in the nearest location you can find to the rehearsal space so you can get there on time.

7. You can't remember what number 7 was because you forgot to write it down in the prompt book and cue yourself to type it.

long overdue congrats

Cyrus tested for Ikkyu in Jujitsu on Thursday (and passed!). So, this is a little late in coming, but here's public recognition and congratulations!

As for me, I've been stressed out about stuff lately, and after jujitsu today, Cyrus, Steve, and I went to Anissa's for massage. It was sooo amazing and relaxing, and after that, Anissa had me take a hot bath, which was also amazing. Topping it off with ice cream and warm fuzzy socks, I now feel like I can make it through the next couple of days without jumping into the hole they are digging to China over on Livingston.

Speaking of which... that hole is kinda creepy. On Halloween night, the first night of the hole, the walkway was dark because they had taken out some of the lights during the construction process. For some reason, maybe a busted pipe or something, there was steam rising from the hole, with some distant lights sort of backlighting it. It looked like a hole to hell or something. But it was in the wrong place... the hole to hell is somewhere else on Livingston that I can think of. LOL but I'll be polite and not say anything else haha.

Ok, I'm relaxed and energized, so even though I have class early tomorrow, I'm not ready to go sleep yet.

:`(

I'm sitting here, and Molly seems to have decided that her present mission in life is to make me smile. Somehow, she always knows I need cheering up, when no other human does. Makes me think if cats were human they'd make a really tough audience for an actor, because they'd see right through you to who you really are.

I'm stage managing for LTC, and its stealing my soul. LTC isn't the same company it was last time I worked on a show with them.

I was thinking today, about the first drama teacher I ever had. Well, not technically the first, but the real first was more like musical theater, not straight acting. Beth... she was so outgoing and quirky. But she poured her life into producing theater. In August she would write the script, September begin gathering actors and costumes, October begin props and lighting, and November build the set. She designed everything, she directed everything, she organized groups of people to help her build and paint. In December, the show would open. After strike the actors had a week or two off, but she would spend it writing the next script. Our theatrical season ended in April, but she wouldn't finish putting costumes away until June. Then it was time to think about the next season. It was crazy.

And in all that I wondered why she was single. Now I'm working for LTC, and I know. Your friends can't possibly maintain the patience unless they too are crazy about theater. I say crazy and mean it. If I hadn't put 3 1/2 years into a theater major, I might change it just to keep my sanity.

Don't get me wrong. The show is awesome. The music is good, our choreographer is incredible. But everything else makes me want to throw bananas at people.

ps

Next week in makeup class is fantasy or an animal.

I'm torn between Molly, or the Autumn Fairy from Fantasia.

Any ideas anyone?

run run run

Today, I went to my makeup class. The topic was injuries. So, I made myself up to look like Dorothy. Upon arriving in Oz via Air Kansas, my pilot landed on the Wicked Witch of the East. The Lollipop Guild, Local #417, was secretly in league with Ms. East's sister, West. Fearing a political assassination, the Guild boycotted, but quickly escalated to a riot. I was stabbed in the leg by a lollipop stick. Upon bending over in pain, I was struck in the head by a lollipop, causing bruises and lacerations to the face and temple. The force of the blow broke the lollipop, pieces of which were then forced into my mouth, and could not be removed except surgically. Sitting next to me was a girl who was attacked by a werewolf. Next to her was a guy who had a sizzling fajita plate dumped on him. His makup came complete with slices of cheese and meat stuck to his face with liquid latex. It was cool.

Anyway, I rushed back to my apartment and actually had time to eat sitting down today. The downside of that is it would only have filled Anissa's stomach. I rushed out with my jujitsu bag, and decided to play a game. It was called the "Lets-see-how-many-old-guys-can-hit-on-
Meghan-before-she-loses-her-cool-and-stabs-one-with-a-lollipop?" Game.

Remember last Thursday? The crazy guys? Yeah I think the police missed one. Either that or every guy over 40 in New Brunswick is, as the Germans say, "heiss." Sorry to disappoint you all, but I can't write a script like I did last week because there was no dialogue. I was carrying Anissa's lollipop and gripped a little tighter, but I don't think he even knew I heard him.

Anyway. If someone doesn't do something about the traffic in New Brunswick, I'm going to have to keep walking to jujitsu on Thursdays. And if that happens, and New Brunswick still has men in it, eventually I'm going to lose it and (most likely not physically but verbally) lambast someone. Ha! I did it. I've always wanted to use the word lambast in a sentance. I don't know if I used it correctly though. Or contrapuntal. This pizza is contrapuntal.

Ok right. So now that you are shaking your head at my pitiful attempt at humor, I might go to sleep. Or stay up taking OkCupid tests.

ironic

So, several days ago, I took two Okcupid tests. The Sesame Street personality test. And the What kind of weapon are you test. So I found out that I am both Big Bird, and an HK-91 rifle.

You are very organized, more abstract, and more extroverted.

Here is why are you Big Bird. You are both very organized. You almost always know where your belongings are and you prefer things neat. You may even enjoy cleaning and find it therapeutic. Big Bird is never sloppy and always under control... pretty good for a 6 year old bird living without a family.

You both are abstract thinkers. Big Bird is a dreamer who always wonders what the world is like. You definitely are not afraid to take chances in life. You only live once. You may notice others around you playing it safe, but you are more concerned with not compromising your desires, and getting everything you can out of life. This is a very romantic approach to life, but hopefully you are also grounded enough to get by.

You are both extroverts. Big Bird gets along with everyone. He makes friends easily and always has a positive attitude. You definitely enjoy the company of others, and you don't have problems meeting new people... in fact you probably look forward to it. You are willing to take charge when necessary or work as part of a team.

AND

Of German Design, Heckler and Koch puts out some of the worlds best weapons ever made. You have been battle tested and proven many times over by several european nations. Your also very complicated to fully disassemble and are very finicky about what type of ammo you will use. using the wrong ammo can make you a very dangerous person, so make sure you get your facts right before launching an attack.


So, two complete opposites all inside my personality. Thought that was kind of interesting.

update on my day

CyViR: heyas, howdid your day go?
arwenundomiel9: it was: get up, run to the post office, pick up a class schedule for next semester run to the lab, print homework, run to work, run to class, run to the bank, run to the other post office, meet with mike from chi alpha, run back to my apartment, act like a vegetable for a little bit, eat dinner, run over to livingston for rehearsal, avoid the creepy guy from class last year who invades personal space and smells like BO only when he opens his mouth which is all the time, run back from rehearsal and do a paper that is now due in 7 hours.

I also have a project due Thursday for theater makeup- the topic this week is injuries. This is evidence of hicksville.

arwenundomiel9: i have to have pictures of similar injuries too... so i'm thinking of using a picture of my brother's back after he and a friend played blow-for-blow
arwenundomiel9: but thats only one injury
CyViR: hrm.....
CyViR: what is blow for blow?
CyViR: dare i ask?
arwenundomiel9: i hit you, you hit me. common courtesy is equal strength blows.
arwenundomiel9: but its not a fight its... i will let you hit me, you will let me hit you.
CyViR: ......
arwenundomiel9: its a totally stupid game
arwenundomiel9: idiotic
CyViR: sounds captivating
CyViR: i real time waster
arwenundomiel9: but its west milford and there's nothing better to do
CyViR: sigh, your brother needs to take up board games or something
arwenundomiel9: haha... his latest project is exploding arrowheads

another shameless ad

Ok... everyone does this. But you are cordially invited to come see LTC's next show, Working, at which I am the stage manager. Working is a musical whose basic theme is to give a voice to the working man. Its about people with careers, hardships, and accomplishments. Opening night is Nov. 17 (Thursday) at 8 pm. There will be a show Nov 18 at 8 pm, Nov 19 at 2 pm and 8 pm, and Nov 20 at 4 pm. LTC is constructing the set a little bit differently this time around, so there will be slightly less seats than normal, and the cast is slightly larger than normal, which means that seating is limited and tickets are already being reserved, so I'd suggest you plan and get your tickets while you can. Let me know what day you'll be there, and I'll come out and say hi after the show.

what christians do to amuse themselves

I hung out with some old and dear friends from home tonight. It was a good time, despite feeling like we've changed and/or grown apart a bit. I had to share this little clip of what happened:

Guy on a Christian TV station: And if you just call the number on your screen, you can sow a financial seed in preparation for the blessings God has in store for you. We have a testimony of a man who chose to sow a $58 seed for each member of his family, for 12 months, believing that God has great blessings in store for each of them. So we encourage you to just call up the number on your screen.

So, my friend decided to call up the number just for kicks. I didn't hear the first part of the convo but then he put it on speakerphone.

Girl: So, we greatly encourage what you are about to do because God has promised to richly bless you.
Adam: Well umm how does this work, how do I give to God?
Girl: Well, we take checks over the phone or credit card-
Adam: But umm what do I do if like, I can't pay my rent, will I still have to pay the $58?
Girl: No, you would then call customer service and have them cancel it for the months that you can't afford to sow the financial seed. Would you like to give to God tonight?
Adam: I would love to give to God, I want to be blessed.
Girl: Well we want you to be blessed too. Can I have a zip code please?
Adam: Well, isn't there a book involved?
Girl: Yes, when you sow a financial seed, there is a book included as a way of showing our appreciation and asking God to bless you.
Adam: Well, good, I'd like God to bless me, I just don't know, 'cause of, you know, the rent, I don't know if I can do it every month.
Girl: Well if you would like, I can give you the mailing address here and you can sow your gift whenever you have the money. Would you like to do that?
Adam: Well, I don't know, I mean, is that easier?
Girl: Sometimes its better for people who are concerned about sowing that regular financial seed of $58 a month.
Adam: But I mean, if I can't pay then how do I cancel it if its in cash like that? I don't know. I don't know if I can pay the rent.
Girl: Well, sir I don't think I can make your decisions for you, but we certainly don't want to ask you to risk your house. You do what you feel God telling you to do.
Adam: Yeah, but I really want to sow my seed. This was a hang-out time for college age kids, and we all made eye contact at this. I will leave you to your own imagination about how capable we were of stifling any reaction from this comment so she wouldn't know she was on speakerphone.
Girl: We would love for you to sow your seed too, because this isn't about us, its about you reaping the blessing from God after feeling release and sowing your seed.
Adam: Can I talk to him on TV?
Girl: Well, I can't promise anything, but I can give you the number to call, and you can talk to him or someone in his office. I'm sure they can also help you in your decision. But tonight (here, she had obviously decided he was too concerned about money and that she wasn't getting any, so she decided to wind up the convo.) why don't you just pray about it and make a decision later when you feel ready?
Adam: Ok, thank you so much.
Girl: Goodnight

When he hung up, he told us about how on another of the Christian channels he (the pastor's son) and two friends (youth counsellors in the church) decided to call one day and "get saved." *sigh* In that sense they haven't changed. I miss them and wish I could hang out with them more. But... there are subtle differences. What's that saying about new friends and old... one is silver, the other gold. Something like that, I don't really remember. I guess what I'm trying to say is. I like silver better but I'm allergic to it, and gold is more valuable. Wait. That's not what I was trying to say. I don't know who's silver and who's gold. But either way, its not the same silver and gold that it was a year or two ago. I think I interact differently with people now. Well anyway. I'm tired and not making much sense, so I'm gonna save the speculation for another day. Night.

Extra Extra!

I found this in the Home News Tribune.

"This Thursday morning, around 10 am according to the police report, a group of 4 psychological terrorists entered the mental ward of St. Peter's University Hospital. Together, they conducted experiments on the patients, during which they showed the patients images of several Rutgers College students. The patients became so overcome with the beauty of one of the photos in particular. This girl will only be called Meghan, to protect her safety. Upon seeing the picture, the patients attacked and killed the terrorists, who were intending to use the mental patients to take over the rest of the hospital. They then attacked the nurses and doctors, and forced their way out of the building with one thing on their mind: to situate themselves in such a way that their pathway would cross with Meghan's. Police have attempted to contain the situation, but three subjects are still at large."

So yeah. I came across those three today while walking to jujitsu. I will use my theater degree to write a short script of the incidents. Unspoken lines will be in parentheses.

First guy: Hey babe, you got a cigarette?
Me: (Do I LOOK like a smoker?!)
Meghan keeps walking, making no eye contact or acknowledgement of having heard.
Guy: Ok then. Guess not.

Next scene, literally 5 minutes later.

Second Guy: Hey baby do you have two dollars?
Me: (I'm so not in the mood to be hit on right now) No, and I'm late; I have to go.
SG: Awww, one dollar?
Me: I'm a college student, you expect me to have money? (As if I would carry it around in Downtown New Brunswick anyway.)
SG: How 'bout a kiss?
Me: (eww.) (If he tries anything, like that guy did with Anissa... I'm not in the mood to settle for just a sternum rub.) No.
Meghan looks impatiently for the walk signal to change.
SG: No? Come on...
No response.
SG: Aww come on, just one? No? Pause. Okaaaaayyy. Just remember baby. I'll always love you. Always.
Me: You do that. (Oh thank God! The light turned.)

Next scene, two minutes later.

Meghan is walking down the street. There is a guy carrying a bag and dressed down. Very down. Like, paint all over dirty clothes kind of down.
Third Guy, in a really good imitation of a police voice: Hey you!! Yeah. You. The guy running!
Meghan looks, there is nobody running.
Me: (What? Why do all the crazy people come out now? Why can't I just get to jujitsu?)
TG: Hey! I'm telling you to stop! I got my eye on you! Yeah, I'm talking to you!
No one is paying any attention. Meghan walks faster.

So, there you go. I hope you liked my script. I'm sorry I had to play the lead though. I would have been happier being an extra. Or perhaps a prop. No, the only prop used was that bag in the arms of the third guy. I think I'd freak out if I were in his arms. *shudders.* Its not good when jujitsuka freak out.

Long...

So... modern dance today. I'm going to write something good, because this was the first class where I truly enjoyed myself. For the other classes, I'll admit, I haven't been bored. But today it really felt like play rather than work. We were each supposed to find a partner, and my partner was Tomm, a guy I had basic acting class with at the end of sophomore year. What we were supposed to do is- one person moves into a shape. Any shape- more like a pose I guess. And then the other person moves into a complementary shape. So you could move into a mirror image of the partner, or if his hand is out you could move into an opposing image, etc. I'm not exactly sure what I liked about it, but for some reason, I did. It felt like human sculpture, I guess. Anyway, then each group of two joined another, so we had 4. It was neat to work with so many other people. And then we did this thing where you strike a pose, and only come out of it when someone else comes to join you. Then you go and find someone else to strike a pose by. That was when one of the guys likened it to speed dating, and someone said, "what if no one comes to join you?" and Paulette said, "Well, that's something we all deal with in life so we'll see how it feels." And then this girl said, "I haven't been on a date in two WHOLE weeks." And when the snickers and strange glances subsided, Paulette made us get back to work. And that was cool too because you never knew who was going to come along to be your sculpture partner.

I came back and made tuna salad. I followed Anissa's lead and got my frozen, chopped habañero peppers from the freezer and put little tiny pieces in with the other spices. Those peppers are so hot, that when I took it out of the freezer, as soon as I got a whiff of it, my eyes dried up, and my lips started to tingle. But in the tuna salad, mixed with the mayo, they aren't so bad because capsaicin is oil-soluble. But apparently it got on my hands and an hour later I rubbed my eyes and that was a mistake. My eye started to burn like crazy and I wished we were near a chem lab so I could wash it out at the eye station. Instead I went to the bathroom and soaped up my hands with hot water. My eye eventually washed itself out with tears but that was an odd experience. I'll have to be careful with the peppers in the future.

Anyway, I'm not entirely in the greatest of moods. I found out that I can't go to jujitsu on Sunday, which is depressing because I've missed a lot of classes. At the rate I'm going, I'll reach the next rank by the time I'm 30. Ok that's an exaggeration.

Also I'm cold. And cold makes me grumpy. And my knees and ankles don't like cold too much. And my stomach's been grumbling at me for the past couple days. Maybe tofu stomachs are contagious.

On the good side, I'm glad my midterm is over with the really hard class with the really bad teacher. I don't think I did too horribly. Anyway, I guess I'm done complaining. Well, no I'm not, but I'll keep the last one to myself. Thanks for listening. I had to get all that off my chest. I'm not quite as stressed now. K bye.

hehe

"Takeru Kobayashi
Sport: Competitive Eating

Career Highlights: The five-time winner of the Nathan's Famous frankfurter eating contest held each Fourth of July at Coney Island in Brooklyn, New York. In 2004, he broke a contest record, eating 59 hot dogs in 12 minutes. In 2002, he won Fox's Glutton Bowl 1, and in 2003, he just barely lost to a Kodiak bear in a hot dog eating contest on Fox's Man vs. Beast program.

So, why are his opponents scared of him? Have you seen this guy?! Only 131 pounds, Kobayashi is an eating machine. The legend of the sport (and yes, this is a sport!) uses the innovative 'Solomon Method' technique when digesting his dogs. A master of the eating style, Koboyashi breaks each hot dog in two, then stuffs both halves in his mouth at once. NFL great William 'Refrigerator' Perry tried taking a stab at Koboyashi in 2003 but failed miserably. The 1985 Super Bowl star ate four hot dogs in the competition; Kobayashi had 44 1/2."

Fascinating. I know some people like that.

forgot

I forgot to say some stuff. But first, as I type this, Molly is asleep in my lap. And her whiskers are singed. So they are curly now haha.

Ok next order of business. I'm taking a theatrical makeup class. Next week's project is "transgender." I could either paint myself to look like a man, or paint one of my guy friends to look like a woman. Any guys out there want to get in touch with their feminine sides?

Next: I'm learning who I am through OkCupid. I've been delinquent in dutifully informing you all of my scores in the past couple of weeks, so here's a little just to catch you up. In the "what punctuation mark are you" test, I am a hyphen. Quotation marks intimidate me. I am also an "eternal virgin" and, the verdict's out- I am most positively not going to die while having sex (yes, they have a test for that, in case someone was worrying their heart out over it). And in a religion test, I scored higher than 94% of other girls my age on the variable "freaknut." Makes me feel good about myself there. I'm a freaknut. My personality is closest to Michelangelo (out of the four Ninja Turtles).

Ok. Useless information. Great! Kangaroo! Goodnight.

today in meghanland

Ok so... I can't do arm circles because whatever limited stuff I did at the jujitsu seminar made me sore. And I went to dance class today. Wow. So the teacher came in and looked around to make sure the floor was clear. She said, "Oh, there's a plastic bag on the floor like someone left a baby there." I'm thinking, "Ok, the stork story, baby in a bag sort of thing, how cute." People were looking at her funny so she explained herself. "You know, like when you're in the parking lot and you go to pick up a plastic bag and find that someone abandoned a baby there." Yeah, Paulette. It happens to me all the time. Those plastic bag babies are really getting to be a nuisance. People were still looking at her funny (wouldn't you?) and so she had to clarify. "I've never found one, I was just saying... cause I've read about it. I don't know from personal experience."

Who says that? WHY on earth would that be the first thing she thinks of as being inside a plastic bag? When you see a plastic bag in a dance studio, don't you think, "Maybe someone's dance shoes are in there" or a water bottle, or a leotard or something. But a BABY?

Anyway. I think I'm gonna die now. Or rip my muscles off. Physics and anatomy aside, moving would be so much easier without them.

Oh one more thing before I go shower. I feel really bad. Mel was cooking, and Molly jumped up on the stove and burned her paw. I feel really bad for her. I've never seen a cat move faster. We pinned her down and put ice on it, but she didn't like that. Technically, you should never put ice on a burn, always cold, still water. But I think Molly would have liked the water less. Now she sits and licks her paw all the time.

Ok, now I'm going to bring some acorn squash over to Anissa's and have a feast. But first I gotta shower. Bye all!

crazy weekend

Ok so... In addition to being a Mason Gross School of the Arts theater slave this weekend by working the patchpanel and dimmer switches backstage, I also am participating when I can in the bi-annual jujitsu conference at Rutgers. So my planned schedule for Friday looked like this: 10:30 bike over to College Ave to help set up mats. 12:00 bike back to Douglass, be at class by 12:30. 2:00 leave class, bike to College Ave by 2:30 in time to see Andrew/ give well-wishes to him before his black belt exam. Do jujitsu at the conference until 5:30. Bike back to Douglass, be at the Jameson Theater by 6. Prep for the show. Show starts at 8. With clean-up, get out by 11.

That was planned. What actually happened: 10:45 call Anissa to say I might be late. get there a little after 11, help with mats. A little before 12, run to the student center to get food, leave it with Anissa, for later. Bike back to Douglass for class. Outside the Wachovia, pop a tire. Lock bike up to a signpost, go into Wachovia and deposit checks. Call a classmate to tell the teacher I'll be late. 12:55, walk into class 20 minutes late and wet from the rain. 2:00 bike over to Anissa's to get the lunch I left with her. Sit and stare in a daze, and wonder why its so cold and rainy today. Debate going to jujitsu. I miss it. But with the start I got on the day, there's no telling what kind of weird injury I'll end up with. 2:55 watch Anissa catch Steve's contagious panic over not having cups for the water buckets at jujitsu. 3:00 leave with Anissa for the nearest store. Begin praying together for Andrew's test, and other things. (I really liked that part of the day.) 3:30 drop off the cups. Answer Sensei about why I'm not staying. And why Anissa's in the car waiting for me. (yeah, Anissa and me... the delinquent jujitsuka) 3:40- 4:10 get lost in New Brunswick. We've only lived here for how long? 4:15- 5:50 debate with Cyrus (also delinquent from jujitsu because of a tofu stomach) about going to jujitsu later, and whether or not we should do something special in honor of Andrew's big day. 6:00 get to the theater to prep for the show. 8:10 the show begins. 10:02 the show ends. 8 minutes early because the actors kept skipping lines. 10:20 leave cleanup early because on weekends we don't have to put the set pieces away in the closets so essentially we were all set for the next performance. Run back to the apartment to drop stuff off. Get picked up by Anissa, go to Andrew's, go to Omega for blueberry blintzes that tasted like chicken grease. Argue about paying since he can't just let people treat him to things which I'm going to find a way to cure him of. Go back to Busch, decide by a flip of a coin to stay overnight with Cara, Andrew, James, Eugene who I just met.

That brings us to today. The planned schedule was similar but irrelevant since as I have just proven, plans were invented so circomstances can say "screw you." Since anytime after midnight is today, the coin toss was technically today too. So we went inside and I argued with Andrew about where I was going to sleep... skip a few details here cause... just cause. I acted like a skootch and I feel bad about it. Get up, run to jujitsu, take a class on games for kids, in which we roll around on balls (picture a somersault sort of roll but hugging a giant ball instead of your knees), dive onto balls, roll from standing, catching plastic footballs, etc... It was a fun way to practice the skills needed in jujitsu. After that I went downstairs for a class in Iaido, which... if you saw The Last Samurai, the scene where Tom Cruise and some Japanese guys are sparring with wooden swords (bokken/bokuto), dressed in navy blue robes. That's Iaido. Well, to be more specific:

"The art of drawing a sword out of its scabbard, as fast and clean as possible, with evident naturalness and fluidity, being the main objective to cut the enemy long before he is able to draw his own sword or use any other type of weapon. The great masters of this art have gotten to be able to draw the sword and sheathe it back again with the speed of a lightning. Iaido is a sister art to Kendo, and is recommended when having certain experience in the latter."

So Tom Cruise was probably misrepresenting Kendo, which INVOLVES some form of Iaido. 'Cause you can't very well practice Kendo while the sword is still in the sheath. But anyway, now that I've taken this class, I am better prepared should I ever have to defend myself from someone swinging a sword at me. Provided they haven't drawn yet. Or if they have, provided they only attack with a swing over their heads. And somehow, even with a smooth, well sanded wooden sword, I managed to cut my knuckles of all things. It would be about the equivalent of a basketball player saying he got a cut from his basketball. Its a smooth object with no sharp edges. How do you do that?

So, anyway, I left for the theater about 12, got in at 12:30 and the stage crew are all freaking out because someone moved all our set pieces, and had a scene set for Streetcar Named Desire, which we are not doing. We rush to put everything back, the show starts etc. Show ends, and I have to hang around for "45 minutes" to help with a photo shoot. Which ends up being an hour and fifteen. 5:15, I am just about to turn the dimmers off when a wire pulls loose from one of the pins. To which the lighting designer cursed the building and the day it was built, the wire, the patch panel, the Jameson project in general, and anything else she could think of to curse. at 7:40, the soldering iron still won't solder the wire back in place, because the solder she has is for copper wires which, you guessed it, this particular patch panel does not use copper wiring. So its raining. The show starts in 20 minutes, and the audience wants to be allowed into the theater. And we still don't have the stage lights plugged in yet because if we do, Laura will get electrocuted. Finally we plug two lights into one patch on the panel, and kept checking the warning lights to see if we're exceeding the voltage. By this time, I'm exhausted, and emotional because of 1) last night 2) conversations with God 3) lack of sleep for the past week. So for the first 3 scenes of the play, I sat alone in the dark patch room with my headset, getting all my cues, but crying to God. Something cool happened. I thought of Aslan, and the scene where he comes up, and bends his head over Shasta, licks his forehead like a big cat and says "Tell me your troubles." And it was so comforting. So, the show ended and I came home and scrubbed the kitchen floor Cinderella-style cause I just don't think swiffer's gonna do the job this week. It was disgusting. Four buckets of black water.

And then I took a shower and ate ice cream. And now I have to go to bed, because, yes. There's jujitsu in the morning, and a show in the afternoon and then more jujitsu in the evening, and Andrew leaves for England. I'm so jealous. I want to go to England. I miss it.

But in summary, the highlight of Friday was praying with Anissa for all our friends. And the highlight today was playing with swords, specifically blocking Cyrus' attack, and turning the blade inward (so if it had been real, it would have cut him), disarming him, and then having him demonstrate with his fingers what his guts would look like as they are falling out. With a big grin on his face. As if he's happy his imaginary guts are falling out.

On that note, good night, and sweet dreams.

letting the leash out a little

I normally keep my mind occupied because I know sometimes it can be dangerous letting it run loose. Tonight I'm going all over the place... though I do have a leash. Its going to be the first blog entry in a while that really goes deep inside me.

Someone suggested to me that I'm not over him yet. Which I disagree with. But she's entitled to her opinion. I just don't think that she is basing her opinion on fact, because, she doesn't have all the facts, because I have some inside me that no one knows about.

I've never known a greater pain than when we broke up. I was suddenly empty, like having my arm cut off. We'd been together so long that I couldn't remember a time when he wasn't there. But when arms are cut off, there's usually a reason, such as infection beyond repair. I know there is a reason we were together, and a reason we're not now. And the only pain I have is in my memories. There's no more pain in my heart. Only fear of more pain, which is why I'm trying to protect myself. So in that sense, no. I'm over the pain of losing him, but not the fear of losing him. Or someone like him.

I've said all that before I think, right here in my blog. And I've mentioned Momiji, the character from FruitsBasket, whose mother had her memories erased, and who said that even his bad memories were worth keeping because they influenced his life. Of all possible outcomes that I could have relating to him, the one thing I don't want is for me to waste all the knowledge I gained by dating him. And I realized that tonight. And that made me realize that right now, as is, I'm wasting some of the knowledge. And so, there are things I have to do and people I have to talk to, because not doing that is like erasing my memory of it ever happening. And I can't do that because its like the country song where the girl keeps a box of memories of all the guys she's dated not because she isn't satisfied with the current guy but because they each helped shape her into who she is today and she has to remember all the trials and triumphs and mistakes involved in getting her to where she is.

So, I'm sorry we don't talk anymore because you(1) helped me get to where I am, and we learned together and I hope you got something out of it too. And I won't try to erase your(1) memory. And, after your(2) test tomorrow, we should talk. Its nothing you(2) would consider bad. But I don't want to waste this knowledge I've been given. It elimitates the pain and joy I went through to get it, and it deprives you(2) of something special too. So... lets talk sometime. I think we'll be glad we did.

Sigh, on a new topic, when you're feeling a little down, there's nothing like a kitten to come and chew on your shirt and cheer you up.

thoughts to ponder

Have you ever wondered why animals have tails? I mean, humans don't have tails, so its not like tails are completely necessary to survival on earth. But now that my roommate has a cat, I've discovered the reason God played pin the tail on the donkey with his critters. Did you ever find yourself sitting on the windowsill watching the birds and cars pass by, wishing you could stalk them? And then suddenly, you just have this urge. "I want to stalk something. Anything. And this window on the second floor is keeping me from all those pigeons on the roof next door. Ooooh I wish I could grab one of those pigeons and gnaw on its head." But there are no pigeons you can reach. And there are no bottle caps, tin foil balls, paperclips, strings, ribbons, phone wires, curtains, hair, or feet that you can attack either. But lookie there, God gave you a tail. A built in playtoy! GREAT!

I think the reason God kept the tails off the humans is so we wouldn't chase our tails and would be forced to make our own enjoyment. So we made computers. Go figure.

plug

Ok so I have to advertise. I'm working on a show called The Shape of Things, and everyone should come see it at the Jameson theater. There is a free preview on Tuesday night at 8 pm. Shows are Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday at 8 pm, Saturday and Sunday at 2 pm. Tickets are discounted for students but I can't remember by how much. But for general admission, its no more than $10. The show is good, I liked it when I saw the runthrough, and Jameson always has some pretty good shows. But if you go, you won't see me till afterwards cause I'll be in the back dungeon electrocuting myself. Or patching electricity through to the lights. And the cool thing is I get to wear a headset. Yay! To get there, drive towards Douglass on George Street. Make a right onto Jones (by the Jameson dorms.) Find a parking spot wherever you can. The theater is in the basement of the end dorm (Jameson D) Ask me if you need more detailed directions.

quickie

Ok so i haven't really given an update on what's going on lately. Most of its been stupid stuff like okcupid. I'm the stage manager for a musical called Working, at the Livingston theater company. I've been keeping busy. And for a theater class, I have to be on the crew for a Mason Gross show. So I'm doing two shows at once and I think I'm insane. The MG show i get to have a headset and basically patch the electricity in to the lights when they need it so we don't blow a fuse. Its fun. But I sit in a little room for the whole show basically. So I have a lot of time to do homework. We had 11 hours of rehearsal today. Another 11 tomorrow. And a fire extinguisher fell on my ankle yesterday. And I bought fitted sheets at Walmart instead of flat. Silly me. Now I have to return them. And Brittany's bike, which I am borrowing, stopped holding its gears. Now when you bike, you can jump from 2nd to 5th without intending to. Andrew says its easy to fix. And that's pretty much an update on my life. You can see why I don't update very often and have to supplement it with OKStupid. Its late. Good night.

Scared

Like... halloween scared. Okcupid again... I know, I should probably get therapy for this. But I noticed that a ton of people on Okcupid were taking a test called "Are you ready for children?" I thought "Of course I'm not ready for children" and went on to another one. But it kept popping up so finally I decided to see why everyone was taking it. It asked me really important questions, like do I own a house, have a steady income, know how to change a diaper, etc. Most of which I answered in such a way that might suggest to me, I'm not ready. But, end result... "Probably Ready" I scored 65%, which in school terms isn't good, but still passes. " Wow, you could actually be pregnant. You might have some things left to learn, but I'm sure you'll do fine!" whoever made that test would make a great horror filmmaker. I'm all ready for halloween cause I've got my are you ready for children test right here in my goodybag. Whoever made that test is insane. I just had to rant. I'm gonna go now. Bye

ughh

So... I went to bed last night at 3:30. I was planning on sleeping till 11:30. A decent, 8 hours of sleep. I woke up at 1 pm and realized, not only did I set my alarm for 11:30 PM rather than am, I've also slept through half of class. I stay in bed thinking and praying about something that a friend from home emailed me last night. Then I get up and realize that the apple cider I accidentally left in the microwave last night was poured down the sink by my roommate, which is understandable because it was out all night, but also frustrating because I hate wasting food, especially apple cider which is sooo good. So I was kind of mad at myself. Then I realized I'm standing on some sort of gross mess on the kitchen floor, which reminded me that my roommates and I still don't have chore assignments, and some of our dishes have disappeared, one of which doesn't belong to me, so I have to try and figure out where it went. Then I talked to Anissa and she cheered me up a lot by sending me a song in which the singer wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and one of the bad things that happens is that they are pulled over for going 85 in as 55. So it made me realize that things for me could be worse. So I'm having a pajama day and taking okcupid tests. According to a Harvard study (why Harvard puts their tests on okcupid is beyond me) I'll be dead by October 2068, at the age of 84.3. But look on the bright side, I will have lived 7.2 years longer than my life expectancy. Its 54% probable that the cause of death will be heart attack. But, it could also be car accident (24%), loneliness (13%), drowning of the lungs (5%). Anyway... for some reason that cheered me up. And now that I've spent the whole day in pajamas, with a pretty kitten sleeping next to me, and a sandalwood candle burning, I feel a lot better.

modern dance

You: Hey, Meghan how's it going?
Me: Oh hey, yeah good to see you.
You: How've you been? How's modern dance going?
Me: Oh, its going.
You: Yeah, more seafood shapes?
Me: Well, today we didn't focus so much on the marine biology crap, but she did mention it.
You: Heehee your teacher must be so funny
Me: Yeah, she's crazy.
You: Can you describe her today in one sentence or catchphrase?
Me: Yakko Wakko and Dot on crack.
You: They aren't already on crack?
Me: Not compared to her today.

i wonder

I mailed a secret to postsecret.com because seeing other people's secrets makes me wonder if its invigorating to get the whole thing off your chest. A batch of new secrets is posted every Sunday, so now I can't wait. I wonder if mine will be there, and if so, how will I react? Will I tell anyone here? Or will I keep it quiet, knowing that now that I've sent it, I can move past it, ragardless of who knows?

sigh

I'm not feeling so great. Physically I'm mending from a cold or allergies or sinus infection or whatever it was, I'm mending from jujitsu and dance, in which I feel like my body is just going to fall apart most of the time, and I'm mending from feminine crap. You know... sorry guys who read this but this is my blog and I'm not in the mood to censor it. Being female can be such an annoyance sometimes. I did the Tour de Rutgers on Sunday with my period and cramps. It was an enjoyable bike ride, it would have been twice as good if I didn't have a constant reminder that I'm female and of child-bearing age.

But I really wanted to write about inside. I'm not feeling so great in there. My self esteem has dropped for some reason. I don't know why. I don't respect myself anymore. In group settings, I've been closing myself off. But when I'm alone, its too quiet in the room. I have to have my music on a lot, so I won't convince myself of something that isn't true just by thinking.

I've wondered if its not just me, being worn down by school. I've been taking classes since the end of January, with the exception of two weeks in May and two weeks in August. For a breif minute the other day, I wished I would develop mono, so I could take the semester off, and spend a lot of time lying in bed figuring my life out. Or maybe its figuring out why God has me here. Or getting things straight with Him.

And then for a brief moment today, I thought about all those people I learned about in General Psych, who one day, just got up and left town, moved to another place hundreds of miles away and lived for a few months under another identity. For a minute, I envied them. I wouldn't want to be gone forever though... and that's the thing about these people. They leave, but something like 98% of them come back within a year.

Don't anybody get worried. These are all passing thoughts. Its nothing I would seriously consider. Its just that sometimes... its an appealing thought.

...

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down;you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. [...] Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

~Psalms, chapter 139


Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

~1 John, chapter 3, verses 18-20


When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

~Luke, chapter 7, verses 37-38

house parable revisited

I'm not saying this is necessarily the truth. But what if the house has a built in security system, so in a sense, its not that I disable it, its that I choose not to hear the alarms. It puts a lot more responsibility on me. If robbers steal everything and burn the house, its my own darn fault. I guess it was that way to begin with, but wording it this way seems like a much stronger way of putting it. I don't know if I like that or not.

parable with a question

So... let's say that you have this house... its a fairly expensive house, perhaps a townhouse in NYC. You bought it as a fixer-upper, but now that you're done fixer-upper-ing, you are proud of how your work turned out, and know that the house has drastically gone up in value, and you have belongings that are not incredibly expensive, but still worth a bit. One day, someone offers you the chance of a lifetime to have something you've been wishing for and thinking about and dreaming about for a long time. I don't know what it is, you can come up with something, as long as your heart skips a beat when you think about it. But the catch is, you can't have this thing unless you disable the security alarm for a week. You think, "well, I've never had a break-in before." But then you think about that one night, when you fell asleep without setting the alarm and then woke up in the middle of the night hearing noises. You contemplated getting up to check the alarm but never did. No one broke in, but in the morning you thought about how maybe it was silly not to check the alarm. This is NYC after all. And it is your house, the one you put so much sweat and tears into fixing up. So, what do you do? Do you get the thing you've been longing for and risk losing your house? Or do you play it safe and keep on dreaming and longing, knowing you might not get the chance again? (I say might, because its still possible for the chance to come again, but not predictable that it will.)

thought provoking

So, I was talking to someone online, about the Dalai Lama, and how he seems to be a very holy and wise person. This phrase was used: "to really be Holy, there's something more that most people don't have... or can't attain." And I got to thinking about holiness. And what exactly is holiness, and why can't people attain it, when other people like the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa can. So, my friend Merriam W. said this:

1) exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness 2) divine 3) devoted entirely to the deity or the work of the deity 4) having a divine quality

So, based on the first two definitions, I guess holiness is unattainable, since I am neither perfect nor divine, and by the same token, the Dalai Lama isn't either, because he's still an imperfect human too. But then I started thinking, and digging deeper, and I came across this:

1 Peter, chapter 2, verses 7- 10

7 Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe, "The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone," 8 and, "A stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall." They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for. 9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

And I latched onto the part about the holy nation. Because that means that people CAN be holy. But I kept digging. And I found out how and why:

Hebrews, chapter 10, verses 5- 14

5 Therefore, when Christ came into the world, he said: "Sacrifice and offering You did not desire, but a body You prepared for me; 6 with burnt offerings and sin offerings You were not pleased. 7 Then I said, 'Here I am—it is written about me in the scroll— I have come to do Your will, O God.' " 8 First he said, "Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings You did not desire, nor were You pleased with them" (although the law required them to be made). 9 Then he said, "Here I am, I have come to do Your will." He sets aside the first to establish the second. 10 And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. 11Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. 12 But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God. 13 Since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool, 14 because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy

It was fascinating to me, because... well, I'd known it all my life, I was tested on it in grade school, I heard it so much that I sort of took it for granted. And now, when I started questioning it, I was hit in the face by its meaningful-ness. I guess you could say I've understood it all my life, but tonight, I understood it. I appreciate my religion that much more now. And that's the way a lot of my religion took root in me. I started questioning things, and no amount of explanation by anyone else could explain it. I had to figure it out for myself.

So... that's just something really cool that I stumbled across. Somehow, I feel like its buried treasure or something.

just a random thing

http://ushotstuff.com/Heat.Scale.htm

!

I've discovered a new happiness activity. Things like bobbing for apples, and trying to eat powdered donuts without inhaling the sugar and getting lung cancer are things that make me happy. I have a new one. Eat a pepperoncino (pickled hot peppers) and then follow it with one Hershey's kiss on each side of your mouth. That makes me happy.

Also naps make me happy. I was late to class this morning because I was up late last night. I gotta stop doing that. But if I don't, I won't have a need to take a nap. So maybe I shouldn't stop. I'm gonna go take a nap.

[edit: above, I don't mean to imply that getting lung cancer makes me happy. Eating donuts without inhaling the sugar prevents sugar-granule-induced-lung-cancer, or at least a painful experience. And trying to do that gives me this breathless feeling. And that makes me happy.]

[edit 2: Oberonious: Watching people take on silly dares to eat a habenero for 20 bux makes me happy.
Oberonious: :-D
arwenundomiel9: hehe sadist]

darling

Darling looks out on the world
From her perch on the second floor
She sees the past coming down the street
Knowing its the last thing she wants to meet

Darling doesn't know
What's knocking on her door
She has no idea
What on earth she's looking for

She hears the past barging in
Don't bother with formalities.
He'll get what he wants and he doesn't care
Take her, break her, leave her lying there.

Darling doesn't know
What's knocking on her door
She has no idea
What on earth she's looking for

Darling builds a wall around her heart,
Closes the door with a bang and starts
To cry and scratch and pound the wall
Knowing its her fault she can't get out at all.

Darling doesn't know
What's knocking on her door
She has no idea
What on earth she's looking for.

hiding

This is stupid.

I just tried to write a poem, but I'm out of practice now. I deleted it. Prose doesn't express me anymore. I tried to go back to poetry but that didn't work either. I need to find a new medium. Perhaps sitting under my tree at Passion Puddle is a good medium.

Anyway... Stuff's happening. And {certain group goes here} jump to conclusions about things, or otherwise act in ways that I figure they have good reason to act that way, but I had always hoped they wouldn't. And its not nice when people simply don't understand my reasoning and I feel incapable of explaining myself and my actions.

But other people understand. That's good. That's a really good comfort to me.

I went home this weekend. It was strange at first. I felt like a stranger in my room, and like any minute, the person who really lived there would come in and ask what I was doing in her bed. I realized as homesick as I can be for West Milford, my home right now is New Brunswick. And I was kind of sad and happy with that. Added sadness when I graduate and move back to West Milford. If that actually happens. I mean... I'm pretty sure I'll graduate. But maybe I'll move somewhere else. I don't know where I'm going. Or if I want to go. I'm glad I'm getting a degree in theater, but I don't think I really want to use it. I think I want to do something that comes naturally to me, like cooking or cleaning, or babysitting. Yeah, I don't particularly like babysitting because I'm not fond of kids, but they like me, and I won't show them I'm only tolerating it. Maybe I'll do that. Its what comes naturally. I don't have to work at it like I do with acting. Notice that's a lazy way of thinking. Maybe I'm just having a lazy day. Tomorrow I think I'll change my mind again.

I will say this... I'm pretty proud of myself that I started at Rutgers intending to do theater and have made it to my senior year at Rutgers, and will graduate as a theater major. Not to have changed my mind after almost four years is a big thing. Maybe I should find a way not to be such a butterfly.

Ok that's all. I'm gonna go shower off my jujitsu sweat and go to sleep.

jujitsu promotion

Just a note here to say congratulations to Steve, who tested last night for Yonkyu, a green belt. Good job; that color looks good on you! :-P

(For those of you who don't know... the colors are: white, blue with two stripes (my rank), blue with one stripe, green, brown with three stripes, brown with two, brown with one, 1st degree black, 2nd degree black, 3rd degree black, etc.)

That's sort of all i have to say right now. Its good to be back in the normal school jujitsu routine, instead of the summer schedule. It feels more natural. And I'm now in the intermediate class that's closed to white belts. How special do I feel? Hahaha.

I've decided I think my favorite part of jujitsu is promotions, seeing people move on to new levels. I think its cool because so often, I see people move on to new levels in other ways. Emotionally, spiritually or whatever, and that's exciting. So its neat to see a physical image of that. Kind of an object lesson. And I can't wait until I see a black belt promotion, 'cause from what I hear, its a little different from the others. So when I hear that people are about to test, its exciting.

Oh! And congratulations to Cyrus, who gave his thesis defense today. Its all behind you now, so you can breathe again! YAAAAYYY!

Ok, I'm gonna go do some things... bye!

she made me feel special...

This first part may be a little out of context, but this comment just came in:

"That's psychotic, Meghan, you're the bestest friend ever!"

So, while it DID make my day, I can't really explain to you why being a good friend and psychosis are together in the same sentence.

restless

I'm kinda tired... but I can't sleep. I don't want to. I want to stay up and think about things I shouldn't think about. I guess... its kind of... cause I'm a little bit bored. The classes I picked for this semester are great, but they don't require a whole lot of out-of-class work- at least not yet. So I sit around and think. And ordinarily that's good, but tonight its not. I guess I'll just go to bed, even though I don't want to.

change to my blog

If you've noticed, I've been getting splogged and blammed. (Blog spam!) So, I'm changing the format of my blog. Now, if you want to leave a comment you have to prove you are actually a functioning human being and will have to type the word that you see. Since automatic systems don't see things, they obviously can't pass the test. So if you are blind, sorry, you can't leave messages either. Although, how you manage to get a braille computer screen in the first place is beyond me. Sorry for the inconvenience.

forgot one thing

So, I wanted to say something with vindication in my voice. Last week, I really needed some mints. So, before class, I went to the vending machine and put in 60 cents, punched in the numbers, etc. The mints never came out, and my friend said something like it was not stocked correctly, so you have to watch for them and if it looks like its not stocked properly, don't put your money in because it won't come out. I asked my teacher who I should go to to get my money back, and she said some office on college ave, which is more effort than 60 cents is worth. She also said she wasn't going to stop me from giving it a good hard kick on the way out, which I seriously contemplated.

Then today, I was in the same building, in front of the same machine, so you'd think I would learn not to bother with those things. But I was looking at a key lime, white chocolate almond joy that looked sooo good. And it was close to the front, and looked like it was stocked properly (for all I know about these things) so I got out my 75 cents. And guess what happened? The stupid machine gave me TWO almond joys, which means I not only got my 60 cents back from the mints, but I essentially got 15 cents as well. So I decided I got my revenge on the machine-with-a-mind-of-its-own. And that's my triumphant story.

I'm sure you cared.

dance

Ok... this is going to sound strange to some of you who know me best. I'm a dancer. I love to dance, but I've never had any formal instruction, aside from a month or two with a couple of broadway dancers from my church. And now, my big revalation is this: I hate my dance class. Well, not hate exactly. But I really dislike it. The odd thing is, its not really going to be something I'm going to dread every week either. I'm just not into it for some reason, and I'm not going to look forward to it every week. Not only that, but if I were to stick through it for the exercise... well, I sweat more during jujitsu. And I stretch more during jujitsu. And I breath more in jujitsu. And my heart rate is higher in jujitsu. And... you get the idea. I'll give dance class one plus though... I can learn rhythm better in modern dance than in jujitsu. But when I dance, I've never had a problem with rhythm. Anything I learn about rhythm in this class, I probably won't apply to my dancing but to jujitsu, because that's where my rhythm is always a little off.

Anyway... its kind of a weird revelation that came to me today. And it confused me for a bit because I know how much I like dancing. But I'm guessing that because I've never had formal training, now that I'm getting some, I'm just not used to being unable to "do my own thing" independently. Oh well. I'm gonna stick with it... I could use the credits. If I'm grouchy Mondays or Wednesdays, its 'cause I got a work out without having fun.

So, having said that... I don't know what else to write about. There are a lot of things I could say, but I don't know if I want to. I'm enjoying life, but there are also things unexpectedly going wrong.

And I really want to go home. I miss my hometown and haven't been there for a lazy weekend since mid-May. I want a lazy weekend. I guess you could really say that now, in my 4th year of college, I'm starting to be homesick, something I haven't really experienced too much of.

So that's a genuine update... no wasting time on okcupid hahaha.

hrmmm

Ok so those OKCupid tests were pretty useless. But this one that I just took was actually fascinating. Its the Ghenis Khan Genetic Fitness Test. The introduction is really interesting, in my opinion.

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=6936188936100731841

Paraphrased so you don't have to read it to understand, its all about how success at life on planet earth is all about propagating genetic traits, and by that standard Ghengis Khan is the most successful human. Then they test you to see your likelihood of living long enough (healthy, not smoking, etc), to have children, family history and fertility rates, etc. So my results?

273,290 descendants after 32 generations (which is the amount of generations Ghengis Kahn's family has had). I'm more genetically fit than 52% of the current population. Here's what they had to say:

"Not bad. You're no Mongol warlord, but to have that many copies of your genetic code running around 800 years from now is pretty impressive.

You're in the lower middle of the scoring spectrum, but, honestly, when you consider that the cheaters, swindlers, and football players of this world are statistically best-equipped to create children, scoring low is something to be proud of. As you'll see below, some of your lines will die out, but nonetheless your genetic material will thrive here on earth for a long time to come.

A close friend of mine created a program to generate family trees for this test. It's based on your unique answers. We accounted for sterility, birth rates, death rates, disease, drug abuse, nitwitism, and accidents and came up with this, for you:"

The family tree was interesting. It shows my three children will all make successful matches, but since it is only supposed to track by gender (ie: girls track matriarchal lines, guys patriarchal) one of my children's lines will end because they will have a male child, and another's lines will end in someone fitting the "sterile, malformed, incompetent, bungee-jumping, or otherwise genetically useless descendent" category. The third child has two kids, one of whom is also a bungee-jumper. After the third generation, the little people symbols get too small to really see, but I was counting, and I'm pretty sure the program accounted for all 273,290 of them. Hehehe. Anyway. I am done reporting on my descendents. Though... I kind of hope the world won't last for 32 more generations. Its going to pot already, I think it would be hell for the people alive 800 years from now. Anyway... maybe another interesting test is in order. I'll let you know.

whatever

Have you ever talked to a brick wall? Actually, sometimes its more like talking to a black hole. At least with a brick wall, there's some sort of echo. Some evidence that you are actually speaking, as proof to yourself that you said what you thought you said. Or sometimes its like a German going to an Italian opera. Non ho capito. Actually... come to think of it, when I was in kindergarten, my teacher would whisper "Jessica swung the bat at the ball" in someone's ear, and then that person would whisper in someone else's ear, and then when everyone had been whispered at, the last person would come up with something like "just string the cat up in the hall." And then the teacher would say, "I never said that!" And then all the kids would get a good laugh. That's kind of how it is now. Only no one's laughing. And I'm the teacher. And we're all playing kindergarten games. And growing up is too much work.

Ok so I got that off my chest. I don't know what it did yet. But its here for me and now I can come back and read it when I need to.

dancers who dance...

I'm thinking of a song. Actually a couple of songs.

I haven't been writing in this blog lately about God and what's happening between him and me. So... here goes. Lately, I've been seeking His guidance for a lot of things. I've been relying on Him to help me with decisions and always to remind me that He's there, to keep me in line. I've been getting closer to Him.

The next thing I have to say may or may not be controversial, but... I believe Satan hates that. I believe he's attacking some areas of my life, and trying to distract me from God. But God gave me people who will keep me on track, which is what happened tonight. We prayed together, and God came and watched over us while we prayed. And it was amazing. And I came to the realization that all the problems I've been having can be patched up, one by one. I decided I had a lot of emails to send to people. Then I came back from jujitsu, and I had an odd experience.

Well, one that made me remember some things that happened to me once. One that resembled a time in my life when I was under the most pressure from Satan. And I once again gave God the power, but I got angry, just like before. Fuming mad at Satan. And he's not a guy to pick a fight with. So I'm trying to cool down here.

I'm still going to go ahead and patch my problems up though. 'Cause its evident someone's trying to stop me. But God is now the owner of my problems and my progress. If Satan wants to sabotage that, its between him and God. I can't get involved in this, as much as I would like to. Cara's always telling me to grr in jujitsu. This is it. I'm grring now, only its not jujitsu, nor is it safe to to so.

Well then. That's it. I'm not afraid of threats. Fear gives a threatener power over me. I can't do that because God already has power over me.

And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

i'm back

Well hello. Its been a while because I went to Michigan to visit family and there's no internet... not to mention cell coverage either. There's nothing up there but a dirt road and a lake where I had lots of fun in the sun... err rain. Now that I'm well rested, school starts today haha.

I was supposed to have good dreams last night. I had a disturbing one. It involved violent animal experimentation, using a product to see how well they would heal from serious injury. I was disgusted. There was a dog with his belly slit, a man with his head chopped off, and a cat attacking a rabbit. The dog and rabbit healed just fine. But the man grew another head and the head grew another man. It was strange. Then I dreamed I finished writing my book, but there was one person I didn't want to read it, for spiteful reasons. And then someone who will remain unnamed came over to see me. And I treated them poorly, and they treated me poorly. And it was kind of like being awake because we normally don't treat each other very well. And the whole time, I felt really badly because it was worse treatment than I've ever given them in real life. We don't have a good relationship. And I went back and they were crying because they couldn't have what they wanted out of me. And I said, I don't regret our relationship, but... X... and they said, then I have to go. And I started running after them, saying, That's it? You're just going to walk away and I'll never see you again? And they said I have to. I said There's so much to talk about, and they said I can't. So I stopped running, and watched the person leave. And I didn't feel like crying because I'm done with tears for them. But my heart was tearing into shreds inside. And then I said one last thing, whispered, knowing they wouldn't hear me. And then I woke up.

This is all cryptic. I can't say who the person is, or what was said... Only what happened. So its not as strong emotionally as it was in my dream journal. But I had to share it because if you see me today and there is heart shrapnel coming from my chest, you will know why.

On a separate note, someone didn't do something for me, and then later they did, saying they felt badly about not doing it. Now I'm in their shoes, only things are slightly different and I want to do for them what they didn't do for me, but I don't think I have the guts to do it. And its going to bug me all day.

So if classes today are boring, I'll have a lot to think about.