God...

So, this entry might actually fit the original purpose of this blog, that is, to share the ways that God is a defining factor in my life.

Yesterday at church, I was miserable. For some reason, I haven't been sleeping well in the past couple of months, and Sunday morning (while not as bad sleep-wise as this morning) wasn't such a good day. During the worship service, I felt as if it was just some guys playing music. Worship is intended to bring people into the presence of the creator of the universe, and I didn't really feel that yesterday. I guess it was kind of a blah feeling. It wasn't the fault of the musicians at all, its just that I've been struggling to really get into it anyway. I got really tired, not just in body, but in spirit. I'm tired of a lot of things in my life. So I sat down, because it was also affecting me physically and I felt weak from lack of sleep.

I still sang along a bit, and tried to worship, but I let my mind wander. Then, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was one of my theatrical mentors from way back when. He knelt down and told me all about how God told him to talk to me, tell me that things may seem kind of flat right now, but to keep pressing on, because things are about to get exciting, so don't give up. Then, I noticed the tears in his eyes. Ok, it sounds a little inconsequential, but I've always had a thing about guys crying. Tears in a man's eyes are more powerful than in a woman's because they are more rare. Not to be crude in this example, but Hitler brought tears to his eyes in many of his speeches, and look at how many people he convinced of his cause. So, I thought, "Maybe this is God's way of getting my attention. Maybe I wouldn't have taken it so seriously if I hadn't seen his tears." So bottom line is, God hasn't forgotten about me, and he does care about me, even though right now I feel like a puddle in the summertime, all set and ready for that green algae.

So that's what God is doing in my life for the time being.

so cold...

Well, I feel the need to write tonight. But no real inspiration is coming.

Our hot water heater broke and spilled 1/4" of water across the basement floor. And we don't really have a small basement either. So that's lovely. My uncle the plumber didn't come today, so I just took a 50F shower (we have a digital thermometer- I checked to see). It was a little bit warmer than my heart.

Special blessings on my big "brother" who got engaged last night. I'm very excited for you, and I feel bad that my emotions don't show through the mask that most people call my face.

Yes, you read that right. Mask. I don't know why, except that maybe it is because spring is coming. Of all the bittersweet memories in my life, I'd say a good 90% of them occurred in the spring. Although, Damn Yankees occured in the spring too, and that's far from bittersweet. And there are a few other things that are good about spring, but for the most part, I don't like opening up all those wounds again.

And, I'm at the age where all of my friends are getting engaged. I'm not going to say any names, 'cause one or two of them are quite recent. I'll let them tell you if they want you to know. And it opens up some more wounds in me; as happy as I am for them, I'm masking my own pain. No wonder I'm a theater major. I do this so well. I guess this blog is one of the worst (or the best) things I could have done to myself, because now my friends know I'm not exactly the person they see.

I had a convo with a friend the other day. It was about God, and how I'm sort of impatient with Him, and how I'm not really trying very hard right now when it comes to really knowing Him. Here's one of the things this person said to me:

don't wait on (God) because you want an answer for something but wait on (God) because you want to know him more and to have greater intimacy with him

And it got me thinking. Intimacy with God is what my church teaches we are supposed to be striving for. And a few years ago, I could have taught a class on intimacy with God. But I got sick of it. It sounds weird, but I guess I hit a point where I got tired of the "I love you's." I guess we said I love you so often that it sort of lost its meaning for me. That's funny 'cause the same thing happened between Kevin and me. I've lost the meaning of I love you, and now, I can't figure out if I'm pining for Kevin or for God. Most likely both. My relationship with God has changed as well as my relationship with Kevin. And now, the sun seems to have gotten a little bit dimmer, and flowers aren't as cheerful, grass isn't as green, no matter whose side of the fence its on.

Maybe I had too much hinged on my relationship with Kevin. But its my belief that one can never have too much hinged on a relationship with God. And now that both relationships are... whatever they are... I'm feeling down about placing so much stock in them.

Yeah, so I'm not sure if this entry made sense, even to me, so I guess that means, Shut Up Meg And Go To Bed. Goodnight.

what??

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

I learned something today about being single. It makes you more susceptible to chick-flicks.

I watched Moulin Rouge today. I guess I should have suspected something a few weeks ago when I watched Titanic and had that tremendously sappy post to put here right after it. But of course that's only hindsight. I didn't notice it the first time I saw Moulin Rouge (nor did I get sentimental) but I realized why (despite the apparant raunch that sent my mom out of the room) that movie is MY movie. I believe that it, in a sense, captures acting as it really is: every actor creating drama for themselves, whether on stage or off. This can be a good thing, and a bad thing. Good because creation is good, and because feeling emotion brings you to life. Bad because someone is always lying. Satine lies to the Duke and says she loves him, or she lies to Christian and says she doesn't love him, the whole time lying to the world because it doesn't matter who she loves when she's lying dead on the stage. No pun intended. The tango with the narcoleptic Argentine seemed to say it all: don't fall in love with the prostitute. But there's another aspect they missed. Don't fall in love with the actress, because you won't ever be sure its really love.

I'm sure that doesn't help my chances of not being single... not that it matters to me at the moment. I'm making myself depressed. I'm typing this and at the same time I am having an im conversation, cheerfully joking about Valentine's Day. Which part of me is acting now? Am I lying to myself by writing such depressing thoughts? Or am I lying to my friends by being cheerful?

I suppose anyone who has seen Moulin Rouge will understand why I'm so torn up about it. I've lived it, getting caught up in my emotions and not knowing whether I'm acting or really experiencing it. Why I cried in the end, not because I'm emotional per se, but because the events on the screen tied my heart up in knots and created physical pain like a rock in my chest.

And I had more to say, but it seems to have escaped. If this blog is supposed to reveal a little glimpse into my inner life, I'd say the window is pretty spic and span right now. I think the view is usually much more clouded, and I suppose I've surprised even myself. It won't last long though. Look at that, the window is closing and the curtain is going down... goodnight.

ps... i have no idea why i'm up this late.

I CAVED

Ok... I gave in to temptation. I copied a quiz from someone's livejournal. And I'm about to put it here.

1. what did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before? survived a break-up... wait, survive? maybe.
2. do you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? the only new year's resolution I made and kept was to start a journal in 7th grade, and I'm still keeping it. irregularly. this year I made a new year's resolution but I am not sure if I was joking or serious.
3. did anyone close to you give birth? my cousin's wife I think. and Jim and Patti. oh but that was in January. and my other cousin Geena.
4. did anyone close to you die? no
5. what countries did you visit? my mom and I drove through Canada to get to Michigan. but the only thing we visited was a Tim Horton's
6. what would you like to do in 2005 that you didnt do in 2004? no clue.
7. what things from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory? being props mistress for damn yankees, going to cape cod with my aunt, breaking up, going to a restaurant in NYC for my birthday with my friends, people losing their minds over politics, and I think I'm just going to erase the fall semester from my memory.
8. what was your biggest achievement of the year? surviving a history class
9. what was your biggest failure? not being the friend I'd like to be to a certain person
10. did you suffer illness or injury? yeah, love is a cancer.
11. what was the best thing you bought? tickets to the Lord of the Rings symphony orchestra at NJPAC
12. whose behavior merited celebration? Eric.
13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? they might read this here.
14. where did most of your money go? christmas gifts for people I think
15. what did you get really, really, really excited about? having all my friends come home for christmas
16. what song will always remind you of 2004? you can't hide beautiful by aaron lines
17. compared to last year are you:
a) happier or sadder? bittersweet?
b) thinner or fatter? visibly I don't know. but 2004 was an active year (working at the farm, running, hiking, jujitsu), and muscle weighs more than fat so maybe I have gained weight.
c) richer or poorer? every year of my life I feel more enriched, but monetarily... I had a job, which is better than last year.
18. what do you wish you’d done more of? running
19. what do you wish you’d done less of? pining
20. how did you spend your Christmas? xmas eve I went to Kim and Matt's, then church, then Kim and Matt's for desert, then wrapping gifts... xmas day I dropped gifts off at the Glatz's and then went to my aunt's where that side of the family could either ignore me or tell me how to live my life while I'm having an allergic reaction to the five cats in the house.
21. did you fall in love in 2004? no, I stayed in love... assuming I know what love is.
22. how many one-night stands? none!
23. what was your favorite TV program? off
24. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? no
25. what was the best book you read? possibly the Light of Eidon, but the one I cried through was Journey of Desire... but that doesn't count because I am still reading it
26. what was your greatest musical discovery? a demo cd that Adam made and Cindy gave out to people at church and my brother loaned to me. I have to get a copy of it.
27. what did you want & get? lots of music for Christmas
28. what did you want & not get? how about I leave that one alone
29. what was your favorite film of this year? Troy or Passion of the Christ, for vastly different reasons
30. what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? turned 20. I was in cape cod with my family and my aunt. I got up, my dad took me sailing, I went swimming with my aunt and brother, I got ridiculously sunburned, my mom started a triple chocolate cake that my aunt finished, then we went to a nice restaurant and then back to the cottage to open gifts and play cranium.
31. what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? despite some painful experiences, I would say I am pretty satisfied with the year.
32. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? in the summer it was: old t-shirt, jeans with holes in the knees, and farm boots, all covered with hay, dust, garden dirt, cedar chips, manure. when not working, it was: whatever looks better than the work clothes. at school it was: jeans without holes, and a school shirt (long or short sleeve depending on the weather). which gradually progressed to: roll out of bed, make sure you are fully clothed before walking out the door.
33. what kept you sane? Kevin... I don't think I would have survived the fall semester without his presence of mind and common sense.
34. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? fancy? what are we in the 1920s? ok... um, I realized how so many people don't give Johnny Depp due credit for being a decent actor. all they care about is how he looks.
35. what political issue stirred you the most? well we had a presidential election, so I should have cared about that, but I sort of stopped caring because I felt like no matter which sources I turned to, I wasn't going to get the truth about anything. if we can't trust our media, then we may as well be in Russia. at least there they know for sure its a lie.
36. who did you miss? Adam, Eric, Melissa B, Melissa R, Rick, Rachel, Rachel, Anthony, Mike and Jen B, Jim and Patti, Brittany. Everybody moved away.
37. who was the best new person you met? hmm... thats tough. Ivan maybe. its hard trying to remember which people I met when.
38. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: pay attention to your thoughts attitudes and actions in the present. it controls what you do in the future and how you view the past.

recent silence

I apologize for not writing recently, as I'm sure I have people who wait for my posts with baited breath haha. JK. I'm not actually sure how many people read this, if any besides Ivan, Jordan, and Brittany. Ha. That kind of strikes me as funny, seeing as how all of them are very outspoken, politically, and I'm not. I wonder what would happen if I put up a controversial political statement. Well, I'm not going to incite murder. New topic.

The reason I haven't written recently is this... I started this as a way for me to keep a record of what God is doing in my life. I saw something similar to this that someone had on the facebook, and I thought it was a cool idea. So... I haven't really been in open communication with God lately, which means He can't really do anything until I open up to Him. The stuff I AM open about, is kind of personal and not stuff I'd put out there for everyone to know about. Not that I have some big secret thing I'm dealing with, but there are little things. You know what its like to have an inside joke with a friend... its kind of like that. Certain things were meant to be about having an inside joke with God.

Anyway, I'm writing today because I have two nagging questions that I'd love for someone to answer. #1: Why do we get 3 months off school in the summer, and 1 month off for winter? Originally, this system was practical because when everyone owned a farm, all the kids were needed to help with the farming in the summer, so they would get those months off of school. Now that we have supermarkets, and machines that grow all our crops for us, it seems a bit wasteful to get the summer months off. We should have 3 months in the winter to hibernate, and only one in the summer to go on vacations that college students probably can't pay for anyway.

Question #2 is a bit harder to answer; even though its directed at Jersey girls, I am female, and I can't figure it out. Today's windchill factor puts us in the single digits or below. So why, oh why don't you put on some stinkin' clothes?! Does it somehow speed up the dating process and allow you to find Prince Charming that much faster? Does dressing seductively in arctic temperatures attract men? Do they find purple skin and chattering teeth beautiful? Your lips are more exciting when they are shivering- its like a moving target. What about gangrene from frostbite? I'm sure that's stunningly attractive. The black on your fingernails brings out the color of your pupils. Honestly, if you can bring me results, prove to me it works, maybe I'll try it sometime. But your results had better include "rich, famous, charming, good-looking royalty that loves my mother as much as I do." If it doesn't include all of those elements, its not worth it. I'd rather be warm and patient for the man of my dreams than lie in a hypothermic coma in the arms of Mr. Wrong.

disclaimer: the man of my dreams is not "rich, famous, charming, good-looking royalty that loves my mother as much as I do." That's just what I would require as sufficient results for the kind of treatment girls are giving their bodies.

Ok that's all... if anyone can answer those questions, please do.

The pastor's message tonight was about looking ahead to the new year. But I disagree. Sure, we should make plans for the new year, but no one can really know how it will turn out. Every December 31, I like to look back, rather than forward, and see if I'm leaving the year the way I want to leave it. Usually, I can't wait to start on a fresh slate, but 2004 was not really too bad of a year. It was not the best, but it was not horrible. So naturally, in the past couple of days SOMETHING had to happen, just to make sure I appreciate that clean slate.

In light of that, I've been thinking lately about the things I've done... just random stuff that I can tell my kids or grandkids when I'm older. I remember my mom used to tell me bedtime stories about the trouble she got into, playing with her cousin and accidentally pushing the car into gear, trying to look stylish at school by wearing all the slips she owns underneath her skirt to make it "pouf," trying to shave her face like her dad, leaving a dysfunctional family at age 18 and moving to the other side of the country (Miami)... It makes me wonder what kind of things I'll tell my kids about myself. It would be just random things- not accomplishments, but things I've done for the sake of being able to say I've done them.

I've played the clarinet and the piano, taken swing lessons and ballet. I've choreographed dance and mime pieces, performed in showcases, musicals, and straight plays. I've performed a short play in Italian. I've taken horseback riding lessons, art lessons, acting lessons, and jujitsu. I've ice skated at sunrise and seen the rainbows in the ice. I've been rock climbing and rapelling, snorkeling, kayaking, canoing, sailing, and tubing. I've been on a cruise, and have watched a commercial cranberry harvest. I've watched an illegal fireworks show set off just for me, being the only female in the group. I've volunteered giving therapy horseback rides to handicapped children, jumped off a cliff into a lake, and gone skinnydipping at midnight. I've beaten Kevin at chess, and the youth group at manhunt (by hiding out in the open, where no one would think to look). I've biked around Macinac Island, Block Island, and Martha's Vineyard. I've hiked to the top of Cascade Mt. (a 49-er) in the Appalachians. I've seen a moose, an alligator, and a blue whale- in the wild, not in the zoo, and have hand-fed a seagull in midflight. I've seen Da Vinci's David in person, and the mosaic of Justinian and Theodora. I've crossed an Indiana Jones-style suspension bridge with planks missing in Utah, and I've ridden a camel (if only at the county fair). I've published a poem in an anthology, and written an un-published novel (though it's far from perfect). I've become a hero in a little girl's eyes, and I've given up sleep and comfort so some children in England would feel like they are loved. I spent 8 hours in Zurich sitting next to my guardian angel, and have felt God's presence like I've never felt it before in an out-of-the-way cathedral in Venice. And the most recent, I've skiied an intermediate hill with virtually no experience (yesterday). Most important right now, I've done those 20 years of things completely sober.

I hope that to anyone reading this, it will not appear to be bragging. These things, after only 20 years of my life, are things that will one day become bedtime stories for my children. And it is these things that cheer me up tonight, because they remind me that my life isn't bad, even though it sometimes (like now) feels really horrible. To the people who've made it that way, I love you still. I hope you enjoy your alcohol tonight. To Jordan, Kevin, Brittany, and Melissa, thank you for being true friends.

Here's my new year's resolution: Make some friends who value me more than they value alcohol.

YEAH... isn't this lovely?

Ok so for various reasons which will become obvious later on... or now if you prefer... I can't go into details about this because I'm spitting mad at people who might stumble across this.

Some people I know need to grow up. You're acting like high schoolers and I KNOW you've been out of school for years. Drop the stupid cliques and the in-crowd. You don't need that in the real world of life. You have to accept the fact that you have to live on the same planet with people you don't particularly like to deal with. Well, you know what? DEAL WITH IT. The people you remember them being are not the same people. We all change, why can't you realize that and let them change without hanging the past over their heads like a bad nightmare? Why can't you realize that people improve with age, like cheese, wine, and savings bonds? THEY MATURE. Duh. It's a fact of life. Will you ever let them mature without EXPECTING them to act in the same way they have been acting?

And now that I've done all that in defense of my outcast friends... here's a little rant for myself. It'd be nice if some people would just be polite and say you aren't interested, rather than smile and say that sounds nice. Really, "that sounds nice" and "that doesn't sound nice" mean the exact opposite. Just in case you didn't know that. I don't know what it is that drives me to maintain friendship, keep forgiving and forgetting, and continue to love certain people as much as I do despite the pain they cause.

I refuse to attach to a clique, but hanging in between four of them is wearing me thin. You are all hurting each other, can't you see that? And because I'm not in any one clique, you are all hurting me.

I've had some strenuous exercise today. I think my exhaustion is touching a little too hard on my emotions right now. If you've read this far, thank you for caring... perhaps you can spread that care to some people who need to take this to heart.

Just a small postscript... I think Disney captures my feelings quite well right now:

I don't know if You can hear me or if You're even there. I don't know if You would listen to a gypsie's prayer. Yes, I know I'm just an outcast I shouldn't speak to you. still I see Your face and wonder were You once an outcast too?

God help the outcasts hungry from birth. show them the mercy they don't find on earth. God help my people we look to You still. God help the outcasts or nobody will

I ask for nothing. I can get by but I know so many less lucky than I. please help my people the poor and downtrod. I thought we all were the children of God.

the latest scoop

Ok first of all, I feel like I'm never going to get warm again in my life. I've decided I'm moving to Ecuador. Or at least, Death Valley. I need to keep warm. I'm one of the few people each year who eats Christmas cookies guiltlessly because I'm trying to add an extra layer of fat just to keep warm. I feel like I'm part squirrel or something. If it gets too cold I may have to hibernate.

What I wanted to write was the latest theological revelation from my pastor at the Christmas Eve service: "This summer, Susan and I went to Alaska for our anniversary. We learned a lot about reindeer. We learned that both male and female reindeer have antlers. The males drop their antlers in early fall, when they mate with the females. The females spend the winter pregnant, with a full rack. So, just to throw a little glitch in your common (mis)conception of Christmas... Dasher and Dancer all the way down the line to Rudolph either were all females, or the illustrations of the antlers are wrong. I mean, that's gotta be a tribute to feminity right there, that those girls can drag a fat man in a velvet suit all the way around the world in one night and not get lost." My pastor is the coolest. Now that I think about it though, what male reindeer would have a name like Vixen or Cupid? At least some of the reindeer must be female. Rudolph, I admit, is most certainly a male name. But Rudy... that could go either way.

Anyway, obviously my pastor talked about more than just reindeer tonight, but I think I'll save that for another time. Not everybody who reads this celebrates Christmas. I was so happy tonight. All the people I care most about... at least a lot of them... are in town. Adam's back from British Columbia, Greg and his new wife from Kentucky, Steve from one of the Carolina states... wish I could remember where. Rick from Philly, Eric from York PA, Cathe from her 50 bazillion jobs. Growing up with these people draws you close, but then they go elsewhere and you feel stretched out like silly putty that can only go so far. If for no other reason, Christmas should be celebrated so we can put our silly putty back in order.

Well, its after midnight, so officially its Christmas. I have some wrapping to do... I just bought some gifts today. Nothing like a last minute shopping spree. And I still have nothing tangible for my mom. That's not good. She doesn't want much though. She told me to print out my transcript and give it to her. We'll see. Gotta go. Merry Christmas to all you who celebrate it, and if you don't, then have a Merry Saturday!

dead-end dream

I had a dream this morning. My uncle has a house down at the shore; its built on a man-made, three-pronged peninsula that sticks out into Barnegat Bay. There is a road that goes down each "prong," and his house is on the center one. So, in my dream, I was bicycling with some people, supposedly friends of mine, but I don't remember who they were. We got to the crossroad where each prong joins the main road. Some people went left, some went right, and some went straight. I waited at the crossroad, because I knew each one ended in a dead end, and I knew they'd have to come back, so I waited for them. When I woke up, I thought, Yeah, that's my personality. Practical and precise. If I know a given option is going to land me in a dead-end, I won't waste my time on it. But then I started thinking more about it. Surely the other people must have known also that it ended in a dead-end. At least, the ones that went down the center road would have known- they could see the end. So why did they do it when they knew the road would end? It must have been because they enjoyed it. They were getting something meaningful out of the path they chose. What if my methods aren't as practical as I think? What if I'm so afraid of hitting a dead-end in my road, that I am more interested in sitting at the crossroads waiting for everyone to come back and tell me about it, instead of going out and experiencing it for myself? What if this dream is making me think too much?

feeling pretty in my dress

Today I came home and got dressed up and went to church to cater food at the youth group semi-formal. I remember when I was their age, and it was such a big thing to get all dressed up. I would spend hours on it- planning what I'd wear, how my hair would be, doing my nails... Today I came home from Rutgers and spent an hour doing Missy's hair. I spent about 15 minutes on myself. I did that last year too, with Brittany and Diana. I've gotten pretty good at managing my hair (its long enough) so now I can do stuff for all my little sisters. It was fun making this night special for them, and taking tons of pictures as they danced, not to mention the awesome DJ! Next year, however, we definitely need someone with a videocamera. Still shots sometimes don't explain enough. Like Billy doing a very good impression of N'sinc, despite the fact that they are a group, and he was dancing alone and doing just as good a job. Or Dan, "blessing" people with his scepter... I've always thought he'd make a good successor to "Bishop Adam." If anyone understood that last comment which smacked of inside-joke-ishness, post a comment, we'll reminisce.

Anyway, I had a sort of epiphany right before we started cleaning up. For anyone that reads this who doesn't know, the church youth group has been through hell and back again. Or at least, I think they are working their way back. Its been a long, tough road. So, I've grown accustomed to sudden announcements such as "So-and-so is now your new youth pastor." Or worse, "So-and-so is moving to somewhere out of state..." People have been coming and going for so long that I feel my heart is stretched all over North America. And actually, one of the former youth interns is now in Iraq, so that's beyond North America.

Anyway, after much rambling, my epiphany was this: there's a young couple in the church that sometimes helps out with the youth group, and I have a feeling that, whether anyone knows it yet or not, they have a big potential for youth pastoring. They are getting their feet wet now; they'd better be careful. Sometimes working with the youth group is like that scene from the Matrix where Neo sticks his finger in the liquid mirror and it won't let go, but slowly works its way up his arm. Sometimes there's no getting out of the rabbit hole. Anyway, they are awesome and if our church were a democracy, I'd vote for them for youth pastors. But, its more of an oligarchy, and they may not be ready just yet anyway. Still, sometimes my epiphanies are correct. The future will tell. Ooh another Matrix analogy- the scene where Tank tells Neo "if you are the one, WOW, we've got exciting times ahead." Well, ok he doesn't say "wow" he says something else. I don't know why I keep thinking about the Matrix. I didn't particularly care for it. Although, it was 500x's better than "Matrix Rebooted" and "Matrix Regurgitated."

Anyway, thats my blog for the night. Mostly, I wanted to write about my epiphany, because youth pastors are something I've been asking God to bring to those kids for so long now. They need someone to be there for them.

tell me something...

"Tell me something, is it really that hard to know what you desire in life?"

I refused to enter into something with only half my mind made up. I was tearing myself apart inside. Say it, just say it Meg. Say yes and get it out. Its what you've been longing for. Say it!! But I could feel the check inside, holding back. I won't say yes while my heart is waging a civil war inside. So again, I risked losing something so dear to my heart. Again, I walked away alone. One of these days its going to bite me. When am I going to learn?

The OTHER Director's Scenes

So, last night it was dir. scenes for the BAs and tonight I went to see Alex perform in "Frank and Juliet" for Cabaret's dir. scenes. I didn't really know any of the other actors, but Greg and Jill did a good job directing their scenes too. Anyway, after typing a couple of things and then deleting them, I think I'm gonna keep my opinion on some stuff to myself. That's what my private journal is for anyway. So, yeah... there was some good acting, there was some bad acting, there was some good directing, and some bad directing. I don't know what to say about it, so the only thing I feel safe saying in an open blog is that Alex has a certain level of charisma and stage presence that was riveting. My mind wandered for several different scenes, but Alex held me glued... so... bravissimo, Alex! I think you have some very promising talent.

director's scenes tonight

Let's try this again. My computer deleted the first post I tried to put up.

Tonight, after much rehearsal, Ben and I performed for Joe Hart's directing class. I should add, much rehearsal OUTSIDE the actual performance space. Because of course, the BFAs are better actors than us BAs and from that, naturally, it can be derived that they are also above the rules of common courtesy, namely, the rule that says "if you reserve a room for 6:30, you are entitled to it at 6:30, not 7:05." Still, it went well, and Sarah deserves a really good grade, because she was an awesome director.

I'll admit, it went differently than I expected, for me anyway. Rehearsal prepared me for the lines, character, and blocking, but not for acting itself. I'm way out of practice; its like exercise. You sit too long, and your muscles atrophy. Or however you spell it. Anyway, it was clear to me that I've been out for too long. For my high school years, I was homeschooled, so I had the time to perform a lot. I practically lived onstage. But it feels like I moved out, and now coming back home for a 10-minute scene, I feel out of place. But several people told me I should act more often, which I suppose is a good thing.

I just don't know when or where I would do it. I don't sing anymore, so LTC is out except for backstage stuff, which is just as thrilling as being onstage, to me anyway. Cabaret, there just weren't any plays that jumped out at me. Well, Crucible did, but I chose backstage LTC and then Crucible died anyway.

What I would love more than anything is to be a part of a group that does the classics, despite (and in defiance of) the fact that classics are usually overdone, and usually everyone tries to be the famous movie star that had that particular role. Streetcar Named Desire, Hamlet, Midsummer Night's Dream, Oliver. Well, okay, you need young kids for Oliver. But seriously... half the people I know at RU are actors who act like young kids anyway. And if Hillel Theater Company can get away with completely selling out Willy-Wonka, I think Oliver is at least a possibility. But I guess we have enough BA theater competition at Rutgers anyway (Cabaret, CAP, LTC, Hillel). Still, the classics are so overdone that no one does them anymore. So maybe it would work.

Anyway, bottom line is, I would love to act more. I've been saying that a lot lately. I wonder how long its going to take me to do something about it.

Last thing, special thanks to EVERYONE I know that came. I know that some of you came to support me and some came to support multiple people, but its so nice knowing there are people out there who care.

is this bad?

Lately, I've been wondering how I'm doing. I mean, people keep asking me, and I try to tell them, but I don't know what to say. Usually, its a pat answer: "I'm doing alright, happy to be finishing up classes for the semester." But really, I don't know how I am doing myself. I've been rehearsing with Ben for Sarah's scene, and honestly, I feel as if it has brought me to life, something acting has always done. I never realize how much theater grips me until I start acting again. When I stop, I forget, in theory. More like, I sort of bury it, but its still there, reaching for me. So in a sense, right now, with rehearsals almost every night, I'm more alive than I've been in a long time. But for some reason, there's a little difference somehow. Melancholy, despite the breath of life rehearsals give me.

It came out in its true colors yesterday, as I waited for a phone call inviting me to a callback audition that, apparently, I'm not invited to. Yesterday I realized how actors have to be tough. Some can't handle the rejection when a director isn't interested in them. I'm different: I can't handle it when I reject myself. Telling myself I'm not going to get a phone call, why should I believe I will? I don't care what the director thinks of me, what I care is what I think of me, and yesterday was crushing, because I (no one else) killed a dream... again. Before the director started making any phone calls to anyone, I decided he was not going to call me.

But this feeling was there before the auditions. Yesterday was only a catalyst. There was something more hidden in me, before those auditions. I don't know what it is. I can't listen to Jordan's Beach Boys cd, because I get depressed. I know, that's an oxymoron. But it bothers me knowing that no matter how much I listen to the Beach Boys, they are the only ones in the room that are cheery and carefree. They can go to "Bermuda, Bahama come on pretty mama", but they can't bring me along no matter how hard they try. And its not because of them, its because something in me is not letting me. I can't explain it. Maybe I just need winter break to get here soon.

In other news, I discovered where I got my name. I've always thought I was named because my mother had a dog named Meg growing up, who in turn was named after Queen Margaret (the one who died last year) of Finland. Or Holland. Or Norway. Whatever, It didn't explain why my parents picked the Irish spelling Meghan over Meg short for Margaret, and why my mom originally wanted to spell it Meghann. But then, my mom told me I had to read a book called The Thornbirds, because it was a "really good love story" or something like that. And I discovered that the main character's name is Meghann Cleary, whose nickname is Meggie, a name I've often heard my mother call me. Incidentally, though my parents couldn't have known this at my birth, Meggie and I both have long hair, had childhood issues with lice acquired in a crowded school, and are left handed. So, my parents are redeemed!! They didn't name me after a dog after all! Still, it would have been cool to be named after a queen. But I don't like Margaret as much as I like Meghann.

STRESSED OUT

So, I have to write a 7 page paper, due tomorrow for native american history. I have been thinking about it and doing all the readings and stuff. But I didn't start writing till yesterday. And now, I'm freaked out, because my grade in this class is so important to me, not just to prove to myself that I can do it, but because my closest Rutgers friend is a history major. I guess I kind of feel like I need to measure up. Thats not really an accurate way of describing it, but that was what came to mind, so I typed it. I have now spent most of today typing, deleting, and typing it again. And deleting again. So yeah, I'm coming up with all these ideas, but I'm not actually acheiving any length. The paper is just staying at its lame, 2-page length. I prayed, "God, how am I EVER going to finish this? I don't think I can do it." I thought, sure why not, I've done practically nothing all day, I may as well stop this and go read my Bible. So I opened to the psalms, the most-read section of my Bible, and started skimming a bit, skipping chapters that I knew from previous readings did not apply to this current life-or-death dilemma that I'm getting all worked up over. When I turned to the 46th, I read this:

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

I thought, oh yeah, some of the other chapters that I passed mentioned events like that too. The major disasters, earthquakes, floods, famine, plague, enemies on all sides, the valley of the shadow of death, being hunted by foes and wild animals. And then it dawned on me. My history paper is not earth-shattering. The mountains are not going to fall into the heart of the sea because I got a low grade on this paper... though it will be disappointing. But I'm making a big wild creature out of it, when its really not. Like that song about paper tigers following me. So, now that I have that perspective on the paper, I'm going to go give it another try.

Gollum

So, I went to the NJ Performing Arts Center to see the NJ Symphony Orchestra and the MSU choir perform parts of the score for the Lord of the Rings. Just to set foot in a theater like that was incredible. The music was amazing, and the vocals... I could go on all night. What I wanted to say here was what went through my mind when the soloist sang Gollum's Song. I remembered my dream last night. It was extensive, but there was a little bit of the dream where I was trying to talk to Gollum. He was wearing a Rutgers sweatshirt, and he wouldn't believe that I wanted to be his friend. He just wanted to sit in his misery and feel sorry for himself. When Gollum's song began, my dream flashed into my head. I listened to the lyrics, and felt my eyes welling up:

...we will weep to be so alone/ We are lost/ We can never go home// So in the end/ I'll be what I will be/ No loyal friend/ Was ever there for me// Now we say goodbye/ We say you didn't try// These tears you cry/ Have come too late/ Take back the lies/ The hurt, the blame!// And you will weep/ When you face the end alone/ You are lost/ You can never go home/ You are lost/ You can never go home...

I thought about the people I know, most being from Rutgers, and how many people there are that are like Gollum, outcasts, not necessarily as bitter as Gollum, but people who've lost friends because of a mistake, or simply the way that they are. Those people that, no matter what they do, get negative comments, get ridiculed, or made fun of. And after a while, they can only handle so much before they break. Where are their loyal friends? Where are the friends who won't simply use them to get what they want? I think that was what the dream was about. Gollums need people to befriend them. Really befriend them, not just to get something.

Its funny how a symphony orchestra can inspire life lessons.

Phonecall from God

So, in Theater Practice on Thursday, the advisor's telephone rang. The number programmed in read "God." So, they started teasing her about getting a phone call from God. It was very Bruce Almighty-esque. Someone mentioned how when God calls him its usually bad news. But its been on my mind ever since. I wonder why, when bad things happen, God gets the blame, but we never notice all the little calls God gives us that are good. Like icicles. Early morning frost. Pine trees. White Christmases. Or when you go ice skating early in the morning, the rainbows penetrating deep into the ice. Spring flowers surrounded by snow. Thunderstorms. Fog. Lazy afternoons. The smell of fresh cut grass. Friends. Family. Puppies. Moonlight. Newborns. The game of chess. Autumn colors. Pumpkins. Dreaming about friends who are far away. Sunrises. Shooting stars. Those things don't HAVE to happen. There are places in the world where those things don't exist. Well, barring moonlight and sunrise. But even then, we don't see moonlight and sunrise every single day. But when those things happen, "wow that's cool." But not, "wow a good call from God." I don't recognize God in my everyday life as often as I should. But I try. Just something to think about.

And as far as dreaming about friends who are far away... I went to Iraq in my dream this morning. I saw Eric and Anthony; it was a special, cherishable dream. I don't think they know how special they are to me.

I guess thats it. That's what's been on my mind the last few days. That and my history paper.

church

When I started this blog, I intended to talk about what God is doing in my life (cause I do believe He has an active role in what we do- some people just don't take notice.) Incidentally, that ended up being on a weekly or twice a week basis, which isn't bad for someone in college, given the number of other things I could be doing. So, I was thinking about what I could write as an update, and I don't really have anything. Frankly, church yesterday was... well, except for one little blip on the church excitement radar, I've never been more bored in my life. Well, no. There's one exception. But no one would believe me if I talked about it. But that's beside the point. The point is, God is cool, and sometimes church is not. The sermon was based on the verse that says that new wine cannot be stored in an old wineskin because the new wine would break the skin and both would be ruined. The message was that God is doing something new and the church needs to change to accomodate it, being that different denominations need to start working together, and people need to stop sticking with "I'm Methodist/Baptist/Presbyterian/Episcopalian/etc, so I'm going to live and die that way." Maybe the rest of the congregation got something out of it, I don't know. I started in a strict Bible Chapel where no one stood to worship and clapping was frowned upon. Then I went to a Baptist church which was more exciting. Then I switched to an Assemblies of God church, which is borderline Pentecostal/Apostolic sort of... even within that church, there have been significant changes all along. So the fact that he was preaching about change makes no sense to me. I hate change, but I know its the only way to live. I've known that for quite some time now. Its not easy- I still resist change when it comes. But to sit through a sermon on it... thats hard. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I keep doing this? Why even try? The answer came last night in a dream. God woke me up to tell me to pray for someone I know. That feeling of obedience, that "whatever you ask, I'll do" mentality. That's what keeps me going. Because as much as I may feel at church that "God's not here, I'm not getting anything out of this," if I know that someone is asking me to do something, then I know that that particular someone exists. If someone exists, and I can communicate with that someone, then I can have a friendship with that someone. If I have a friendship with them, then of course, I want to do the things they ask of me, to the best of my ability. So, that was a sort of roundabout way of saying that God is exciting, and church may or may not be exciting, but having a friendship with God is what keeps me going there.

Not like anyone really asked me why I keep going to church... I just thought I'd ramble again. See if anyone is interested. If you got down to here, you must have been interested. Thanks for reading.

that's interesting

I really have no clue how many people read this, but thanks to all of you who do. And thanks to Ivan for bringing up a good point. Our upbringing has a lot to do with how we view the world. But it doesn't have to be set in stone. Take, for example, my past. My past is a part of my life I don't really talk about a whole lot:

I spent 3rd- 8th grade in a Christian school. While this school has a fond place in my heart, I am able to look back and recognize some fundamental flaws, that really took me a while to overcome after I left. While there was an emphasis on Bible knowledge (facts, important names, dates, where to find things, memorizing verses), that was as much as the teachers could do for us. The school enrolled students of multiple denominations, so to avoid offending one denomination or another, we were not taught how to get close to God, because that would step on some religious toes. There was nothing spiritual about the school; it was only about knowledge. Which is not strictly a flaw, but it made it so that there wasn't much difference between that and a public school, except that there were more rules.

My family is one of divided beliefs, as my father is agnostic. I can't really say I had a whole lot of spiritual support as I was growing up, because my mother had problems with depression, and also (my personal opinion) she did not want my father to feel distanced just because he doesn't believe God has anything to do with us as humans.

In all honesty, and looking at the circumstances in my past, I don't know where my hunger for God came from. There isn't a whole lot of reason for it. Its one of those things that just happened. I have tried to do things on my own, without God's help, and its when I'm completely alone like that, that I felt the most vulnerable and lost, like nothing in my life at that time was going right.

I'm curious about the people who do things in life "because they willed it." It seems to me that either (1) they are much stronger-willed people than I am, or (2) God's working in their lives anyway, whether or not they recognize it or want Him to.

Anyway, I've just let my mind wander over a couple of different points. I think I'm done, but I may return to this topic later.

friends

Today and yesterday were interesting. I learned the importance of friendship. A friend of mine has been having difficulties lately, and she's been calling a lot. I don't mind that, and don't mind listening to her talk. But it gives me an added weight that sits on top of all the reading I have to do for class, the two papers I'm working on, and keeping up with the readings for my other classes. Not to mention a test last week that I didn't study for because I was talking to her, other friends who all seem to have their crises every time my homework starts to pile up, and of course, I have my own issues to deal with. It never fails. Every semester, there's something that happens during the last week around Thanksgiving and before Christmas. I don't know what it is, but for some reason my friends feel compelled to create some drama for themselves at this time of the year. Maybe its the angle of the sun and the amount of daylight we have... or something. Anyway, I'm not a psychologist, but everyone seems to think so.

But then, a friend I haven't talked to in months sent me an IM completely out of the blue. He doesn't know anything about what's happening in my life, but he really hit the nail on the head. He said this: God has an awesome plan for you. Don't stop seeking after God, for He said, "Ask and it will be given unto you." So believe that God can do all things no matter what circumstances you are in. God sees through everything, Meg. Last word I'll leave with you is this: "Live your life to the fullest with out regrets." Goodnight. God wants to give you a sweet dream tonight, Meg, so be open for God to speak to you tonight, for you are his daughter and he wants to tell you a story through the dream tonight. Jesus loves you so very much and don't ever forget it. Goodnight Meg.

And I realized how important friends are, and how right he was about the sovreignty of God. I did have special dreams that night, and I know that I can find my strength in God. Which is why I didn't hang up on the phone call I got at 7:30 this morning. And why I went to my 9:50 Meteorology class today, instead of skipping, since I knew the teacher would just go over the test. And why, when we watched a 45-minute video on weather systems, and I started crying through it because of all the stories about people dying in the hurricanes and tornados, I knew I'd be ok once I crawled in Abba's lap for comfort.

It amazes me how people can say, "God's just not for me." Or, "I can't do that religion stuff." Because if they truly experienced God like I have, they'd know He can't NOT be for them. He's there for everyone, but some people have never experienced the ultimate comfort He can give. I don't know how people can survive without God. I'd be suicidal by now, if I didn't have a God to whom I could give my pain. Maybe people don't survive without God and that's why there are so many suicides and crazy people in America.