books and jujitsu

pseudo-title: "If I let you get your hands on my heart, I know there'd be changes you would want to make. It frightens me to let down my guard. 'Cause I know how easilly a heart can break."

So... I went book shopping today. I'm taking an Old Testament class (tomorrow morning) and the books are awesome. In addition to a certain version of the Bible, I also have a book on Prophecy, and Ancient Hebrew Culture and Near East something... I'm really excited about this class, which I didn't think I would be. Of course you'll hear me complaining two weeks from now. Oh well.

Then was jujitsu. I discovered that something happens when I am annoyed with people, or worried about someone. Even though the source of my emotion is outside (the other person), for some reason, I respond inwardly. I drop my energy, and put up a wall inside. I've seen this happen a couple of times, but tonight was the only time I could really kinda put my finger on it.

So, when we did some freestyle, I was horribly frustrated with myself, because my dropped energy slowed my mental powers down, and I either did the same things over and over again, or just stopped short just before, so that I WOULDN'T do the same things over and over again. Which frustrated me more... it was one of those snowballs rolling down the mountain that just gets bigger and heavier. I wanted to stop myself, take myself out of my body, beat myself for a little bit, put myself back in, and continue with the freestyle. I think it might have helped a bit. Wouldn't have hurt much inside since... well... since it already does anyway.

*Sigh* On the upside... I had one interesting experience. I had to kiai (spirit-yell) for one of the techniques... well, I guess it should have been all of them. But... I've never done a kiai quite in that way before... it sort of felt like something. Most of the time when I kiai, its because I need to do it to protect myself (it focuses your mind and lessens the impact of a fall/technique being done to your body). This time, it was something else. I'm not trying to be morbid, but it felt like there was a trapped animal inside me... one that's been wounded... White Fang. And when I kiai-ed, I let him out of his corner, and he wasn't sure what to do with his freedom, but used the energy of springing from the trap just to sort of explode out of me... anyway, I'm not sure if that's a good way to describe how I felt.

And from here... I'm not sure where to take my blog. There's some other stuff on my mind that I can't write about. I'm worried about someone. And there's nothing I can do about it. So, the end.