Dear God...

I looked at my life today, like through a dirty window. Its been so long since I even acknowledged that the window was there. I couldn't see much, but it was still a window. I saw enough. I saw that there were so many times when I thought I'd lost you. There were so many times when I cried out into the night saying, "God isn't next to me anymore." I was upset that I'd gotten so close to you, and upset that "the higher you climb the farther you fall." And then I didn't care. I didn't care that I was in a valley and you weren't there next to me. That was the worst. Not caring is the worst feeling in the world.

But I looked in that window and I discovered something. When I wanted you to walk beside me, you weren't there. I couldn't see you anymore. I couldn't hear your voice. I couldn't feel your touch. Where were you?

And you know what I saw? While I was walking blindly without you, you were farther on ahead, building the path I was walking on. And your path took me so close to monsters. And cliffs. And directions I didn't want to be on. But each new twist in the path was planned in your lesson book. I see now that you took me past those awful landmarks in order to add another patch to my vest, another kyu to my rank. Barely even noticing, you were taking me to places I could not have gone if I had you next to me to hold my hand.

Thank you for making me work to get here. I've never had to work so hard at life before. It hurts, but in the end, I'm stronger. And I've learned some things. And now I can see things coming around the corner, and I wonder where you're taking me next. And I long for the day when you won't have to go ahead of me and construct the pathway but will walk beside me once again and keep me by your side. Until then!

Your Girl,
~M