Post #1 tonight

This is an update. I have two posts I have to write tonight, instead of reading a French philosopher talk about existance that was assigned for a class about monsters. Honestly. The two have nothing to do with each other. And since this is my last semester, I plan on getting a decent grade in the class without actually learning a thing. Partly because the teacher doesn't teach anything. So how can I learn it.

Anyway... I got up and went to church where Anissa played her violin. It was a good service. I miss being able to feel like I belong in a church. Christ Community is nice, but its not my home church. And I don't always feel welcome in my home church anymore. So... I miss belonging.

And then Anissa and Steve and I had lunch before going to a memorial service for Darlene, one of the black belts in our dojo. I never met her because she left long before I got there (maternity leave and then cancer). However, when she died, Barb said something in class about being able to let go completely, and not hold on to anything, is demonstrated to its full extent in death. A lot of people will slip into a coma and most of their body dies but one system still functions, like the kidneys or something. They are holding on. Darlene didn't do that. She let go in life, but since I didn't know her, letting go in death was what touched me more. So I felt like I was sort of obligated to come to the memorial. Even though we never met, she still caused Barb to say something that affected my life. I even had "sutemi" and "let go" as the greeting on my phone for a while. That's a legacy for a black belt- even when she's gone, people are still learning from her, because she's not completely gone.

So, Barb did a little ceremony for her during the memorial service. It was... interesting. In a powerful way. From the moment I got to my seat, I could feel a sparkle in the air. The room was... spiritually charged. If I ever had any doubt that jujitsu is more than just a physical art, I could point to today and say, "look at that." Barb had all of the jujitsuka stand at the front, and she lit candles, tracing the flame from the founder of jujitsu down through the senseis to Darlene, with her black belt in the center. After explaining a bit about who, what, why we were doing that, etc, Barb counted to 3 in Japanese and we kiaied.

First of all... Scott and Rob, who knew Darlene well, were fighting tears throughout the ceremony. It was... not disturbing. But something to note. I guess, I know them well, I care about them, and they sorta take care of me, keep an eye out for me. So to see them like that... I wanted to just take them and hold them and then shake them and tell them to stop fighting, tears aren't bad. But, it was the middle of the service.

And then the kiai. When they translate it "spirit yell" I think it couldn't have been better named. Most of the time, I do it wrong, when I have today to compare to. Because I didn't know Darlene, I'm not exactly grieving for her. But a lot of the jujitsuka are. And the kiais that I heard today... they were releasing their spirits for a brief second and I felt all that pain in their hearts manifest itself as a physical shout. And mine was... one of the strongest I've ever done. I guess in a sense, it was my way of being there for them. Most of the time, their kiais (because a lot of them outrank me) are stronger and more experienced than mine. Today it was different... they were still strong. But the pain alongside it was there... and... I don't really know how to explain what I'm trying to say. But that kiai is definitely one of the more memorable kiais I have heard/felt.

All in all... I spent a lot of my time in church today. And then I went to jujitsu. So its like I spent a lot of my time overlapping church with jujitsu. Which is also an interesting concept. It got me thinking... If you're reading this... and it just so happens that you end up outliving me... tell my family I want a nod to jujitsu at my funeral. You don't have to bury me in my gi. You don't have to be all elaborate, or say anything about it on my tombstone. But kiai for me, so I can hear you all the way to where I am. Even if you have to fight for it. Fight tooth and nail to get that at my funeral. That'd be awesome.

And after you do... perhaps what will happen will be something like what happened today. There was a sort of release. Our ears were sort of ringing from the shout, and in that time of pausing, there was a giant sigh, but not from my physical body, from my spirit. And then... that was it. The energy charging the room was released, even though the service still went on.

So... that's post one. Today was a really intriguing day for me.

Oh... and jujitsu seems to be getting better. My old injuries are back to their old tricks again, so I feel more at home. No more losing control of my focus while working out. Nothing triggering that. S'all good. Except that when I roll I wince in pain. And I can't stand up after I take a fall. And it hurts me more than it hurts my Uke when I'm doing a choke. But... that's normal haha.

Ok. On to post #2.