gears turning...

So... there's been a lot of stuff happening lately pertaining to my future. Not my permanent future, like career-wise. But just... the near future. Like in the next year or so. Well, in reality, a lot of ideas, but not a whole lot of anything else.

There's one that's been on my mind. I can't even remember who came up with this idea, maybe it was me, but I don't know. But it was suggested that all of the people who are looking for a place to stay next year should get an apartment together. That would mean a lot of jujitsu people, plus a couple of others. And initially I thought, "Wow, that would be really awesome. They're all awesome people."

And now I'm thinking about it for real. And I'm thinking about my roommates now. And trying to project things into the future. And I'm thinking... when one of us forgets to put the garbage out, or leaves dishes in the sink... well, we all have our quirks. And most of us would know jujitsu. ("Put that dish away!" *Does Ashi Karami*) We would all kill each other I think. But y'know what? We would have SOOO much fun doing it!! And we would have no dishes left.

Maybe I'll stay with my parents and work at Frank's Italian Restaurant. I need a break from theater. I should try and do that summer stock theater internship that Karen wants me to be involved in. But I don't have the drive right now. My theater lover is low on fuel. Honestly, theater is awesome. But I could just as easily see myself cleaning and cooking for people. Any people. Not necessarily starting a family. But not behind the scenes hotel-type work either. Just something interacting with people, and helping them out. There's nothing I really want to do for the rest of my life. There are tons of things I want to do. But eventually I will want to move on.

What am I saying... eventually, I will come back to theater. I have left it so many times and still I find myself walking back behind that curtain again.

What about missionary work? I once believed I might one day care for orphans in a foreign country. Surprising... Me, the girl who doesn't like children. And look at me helping at the jujitsu kid's class, and loving it haha. And my first job was as a mother's helper. And I babysat for years. And still... I didn't like children.

I just want to be happy. Honestly I could be happy in a lot of places, doing a lot of things. But will they be the right things?

Ok... I haven't mentioned God a lot on this blog in the past few months. Its 'cause... well I'm not sure why. But... I know He put me here for a reason. I know He put me here to influence people's lives. But how, in what way, in what capacity... I haven't figured that out yet. I haven't been listening properly. Because... well... I don't know why. I guess I could use the word jaded... but that's not really a good excuse. In a sense... there is something scary about stepping into the shoes you're supposed to wear. Especially if you don't know what size they are, or how long you'll end up wearing them, or how big the footprints will be, who will see them, how far will you walk.

Has it been fear keeping me from hearing You all along?